The SPG Life

Desire for Masculine

2009-11-12T13:40:00.001-08:00

This surge in sexual confidence is awesome! The changes and commitment to making more change is astounding, simply incredible

Last night I gave my wife a sensual massage… with a happy ending! The whole experience was so rich and beautiful. I was lost in the moment and felt so in command, confident and fluid. I totally "breathed her in" and felt her energy in a way I haven't before. It was almost a spiritual sexual experience, I actually grew from it. And it's only getting better – this is the beginning!! I can tell this is just the very first few steps on a bold new journey of change. Soon even this SPG will be a distant memory, a speck on the horizon. And I really dig this guy!

Today I'm feeling this desire to bring more ferocity and masculine energy into this change. I'm wanting to feel the "real man" in me – dominant, fearless, confident, bold and assertive. I'm ready to own that. I rewrote my mission statement to include that element, I'm doing some new self hypnosis affirmations to embody this and I'm actively practicing BEING that man – living my life as the "real man" I'm wanting to be.

I can see a cycle to this growth, but the movement is in days from wave to wave, not weeks or months, and the movement is more dramatic, accelerated and certain.

I wonder…

2009-11-11T17:06:00.001-08:00

I wonder what changes will be happening in my life now that's I've crossed over into my own identity?

I wonder how my relationships will change now that I've finally allowed myself to be the sexy, sexually confident, attractive man I've always wanted to be up to now?

I wonder what new things will come into my life as I live my dreams.

I wonder what, if anything, from the life I've been living, the life I've just today let go, will come with me to my new life?

I wonder how different this new life will be from the fantasies I've had of this life.

This is the Real Deal

2009-11-11T17:04:00.001-08:00

I can actually feel the difference in my sexual confidence. I keep having the crazy dreams. This morning, I'm feeling pressure in my head and in my chest and a weird, uneasy feeling. So I do self-hypnosis to let go of the fears and resistance and allow myself to change. It produced a very strong shift and a surprising result – I felt sad!

I was disappointed that my wife and I didn't make love this evening, and a little disappointed at the sex last night – it felt like she wasn't there with me. Usually that sort of thing makes me feel angry, not sad. And it's not a hurt sad, it's more of a morning sadness, like I'm saying goodbye. I'm saying goodbye to the old SPG, my old life and seeing the disappointments of my marriage in the context of who I am now and what I want in life.

I've been doing a lot of these challenging shifts and self-hypnosis things and it's been amazing the results I'm getting. I've been feeling a little frazzled, but that's really where I want to be. I want to mix things up really good so nothing can ever go back to the way it was in my mind. And I'm going to do the same thing with my whole life.

Today I felt like a "new man," it felt very peaceful, and sad, and new. I felt like my voice was new.

Tonight I'm going to find some time to meditate, to get centered and find my guiding purpose. This is an exciting change and it's going to be a whole new life. I don't even know what it's going to be like, whose going with me, or what I'll be doing. But I feel like I'm getting prepped for the journey right now, washed clean of all the old BS and moving forward. I know it's going to be amazing – this is the real deal!

Transformation Underway

2009-11-10T12:39:00.001-08:00

I'm not ready to sing the praises of my latest evolution system, but let me share what's happening so far:

A DRAMATIC increase in sexual confidence. Old negative beliefs are fading away, I feel amazing, connected and I'm noticing a very surprising change in the attraction I'm receiving from and sharing with women;
A new and growing sense of purpose and meaning in my life. I don't feel rudderless anymore, I can see now what I want, I can see a purpose in everything I'm doing and a growing desire to make massive changes to align myself with this purpose;
A growing and unshakable desire to cast off the old BS life and completely start anew;
Inspiration to really listen to my affirmations, read and visualize my mission statement and study the lessons that are being presented to me that are guiding me to my higher purpose;
Wild dreams, nightmares, tumultuous sleep that is signifying an integration of the changes, casting away old beliefs and setting the groundwork for even more dramatic changes;
Questioning everything – Am I happy being a father? (Honest answer – no.) Have I fully separated myself from my parents? (No, the pull is still there, but I'm committed to cutting this cord.)

There's a lot going on here, but it's so early in the process. Things are changing and I'm committed to that, but whether this process I'm doing is going to put me all the way "over the top" remains to be seen. I have to say, so far, I'm impressed, to the point of finding myself saying "wow" at the person I'm being, how I'm feeling and the reactions I'm receiving. At any rate, this is accelerating me along my path.

Redefining My Reality

2009-11-06T13:04:00.001-08:00

My sexual confidence has been skyrocketing this week. I actually found a self-hypnosis system that works, and I can literally feel and see the difference. I've been really busy this week and hadn't been doing much aside from my work, workout out and work on myself in the form of reading my mission statement and self hypnosis exercises to instill positive beliefs and habits. I've felt really different, though - so much more grounded and masculine. Everything about sex and my sexuality just felt GOOD. I've noticed more attraction from women and just feel so muc more comfortable around women and present with my attraction.

Then I looked in the mirror. I could SEE a difference! I'm the same guy but a MUCH different vibe, it's wild.

So I've been going through "Redefine Your Reality," made my mission statement and here's the great part of this, it demands ACTION! You don't just sit back and wait for "the universe" to take care of everything, you take action to CREATE what you want, let go of the beliefs that you can't and just do. I found out that my inaction and excuses were my way of dealing with the voices that said I can't. Now I've got that "drill sergeant" inside pushing me to act, because I CAN!

Then I found some killer information on improving my sex life and started reading it. Then I found some killer self-hypnosis techniques for eliminating limiting beliefs. These plus the whole "Redefine Your Reality" program put me out, like $60, since some of the stuff was free. Things are finding me as I'm going through this program. I'm on the right track.

Last night my wife attacked me and I felt such a rich enjoyment and growing confidence – everything is feeding off each other. Today this cute girl at the gym who I'd spent months making eye contact with and not talking to stopped me in the parking lot and invited me to work out with her sometime. She remembered my name and everything. Just going about my life, things are happening.

Oh, and today, for the first time since 2003, I'm DEBT FREE!

And I can tell this is just the tip of the iceberg. I've never felt this GOOD! Seriously, those days of worrying about what my wife said or what she's feeling seem like distant specs now on the horizon. All I can see is just potential and abundance everywhere. I LOVE my wife! I could see things becoming amazing and growing into something fantastic that I WANT, for a change, no more of this whining about what I'm not getting, just challenging myself, believing in myself, and going about getting what I want and deserve, and everybody wins in the process!

I can already feel the abundance in my life and I've been dedicating to this for not even a week!

So maybe the marriage will evolve into something incredible, maybe I'll evolve away from the marriage. Either way, where I'm at right now feels incredible and I see this amazing future that I don't have to worry about one bit.

And I haven't even finished the RYR ebook; I've barely gotten through 1/3 of the awesome sex manual; I haven't even finished the entire self hypnosis training.

A Weekend Alone

2009-11-02T17:02:00.001-08:00

I got through an interesting weekend, one which brought home some powerful truths. This was the weekend when my wife had made plans to go to San Diego with her friend, when I thought we were having a family trip. This led to a big fight and eventually culminated in a very big fight that almost ended the marriage.

As a result of that last fight, I faced and overcame my intense fear of being cheated on and realized that, if that ever happened (and it hasn't, just to be clear) my life would be okay. I also faced the possibility that the relationship would end and I'd also be okay. And I faced the reality that I'm not "broken," which is something I've been carrying around for most of my life. In fact, that part of me I thought was broken is actually amazing. My wife has believed in me more than I've believed in myself, and that really got to me.

I opened up and started really loving myself, and I saw my wife in a different light, too. I really saw just what an incredible, vibrant woman she is. She really is an incredible woman. And at the same time as I'm falling in love with her more than ever, I can accept that there's a possibility that we might be on different paths and not be compatible – I find it impossible to accept that EVERYTHING she wrote "in anger" and ALL my intuitions are off the mark. But it doesn't matter – things will go the way they're supposed to, and I can enjoy the ride. From this place, it just feels really good.

That realization caused me to rethink everything, why I've been focusing on attracting women, this "fear of being alone," my relating to people, sex and myself. It's caused me to think about what I really want and rediscover my passions in life.

This weekend was a three-day weekend, thanks to my 9-80 day off at work. It started with a wonderful lovemaking sendoff. Then my wife took the toddler and went to San Diego and I watched my older son, whose suffering from bad headaches and having a lot of psychological problems, for the day. So maybe things happen for a reason and all this drama was just fighting the grand design.

After that, I came back to my wife's apartment (it's hers because I moved in with her and it's never been something I wanted in my life, it's another obligation I tolerate) and went to the park overlooking the beach and saw the most beautiful sunset, so clear and colorful and peaceful. It was an amazing experience. Then I turned around to go back and saw this bright, nearly full moon. Then I went to the gym, came home and found these cards and notes my wife left for me that were so sweet, ate dinner, did some meditation and went to bed.

I had written two poems and an erotic writing for her to read, one each day, and she did, and loved them all.

Saturday I had a great workout, came home, ate and had a really amazing masturbation session before cleaning up, getting dressed and watching the football game at a local bar. The good guys won. I decided to avoid the Halloween circus in my wife's neighborhood and visit my parents. It ended up being a nonstop argument all evening, about my son, my ex, my wife, my parenting, my work ethic, how I'm being manipulated, on and on and on, ruined the whole evening.

Then my wife calls and is upset because I didn't respond to her texts – but she NEVER replies to my texts – and giving me attitude. I smoothed things out a little with her, but the whole experience was enlightening. I realized my best time was when I was "alone" and doing my own thing. And I wasn't even doing anything that interesting, I was just going about my life. It felt very real, very fulfilling. When I started worrying that "I was alone" when watching the game, and allowing myself to "miss my wife," and worry that I wasn't attractive, I wasn't enjoying myself.

When I sought comfort with my parents, I found none, and none with my wife, either. And it dawned on me then that I really am my own best friend. I don't need these people, I can't please them, they all seem to enjoy making me hurt more when they see me suffering, and I was perfectly content in front of that sunset.

I don't need to go out. I don't need someone around. I don't need a woman's approval, or to have people take care of me when I'm down. There's nothing at all bad or scary about being alone – in fact, it's kind of a relief and recharging. People can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but I'm good to myself when I'm not listening to other people saying what I should be doing.

It felt good, like from there I can go out or not, I can talk to whoever or not, I can be with whoever or not, and I know whatever I'm doing, whether I'm all alone or with whoever, it'll be fun as long as I'm living my truth. There's no pressure. I don't have to worry about what I "should" be doing. What a nice place to be, and what a nice epiphany.

Sunday was breakfast, gym, me cleaning my wife's apartment, dying my hair, another killer masturbation session and a great night's sleep – alone. I woke up, alone, slept in a little, since the toddler wasn't around, had a great workout at the gym, and I've been thinking about the lessons here ever since. I'm not the same man I was before the big arguments early in October, and I'm not the same man I was before this weekend. Actually, that's not true, either. I'm actually more of the man I always was and I'm that much closer to being that man, and there's no going back.

I’ve Lost All My Attraction for My Wife

2009-10-21T10:10:00.001-07:00

I never thought it was possible for attraction to just end on the spot. In most of my relationships, either the sexual desire died out slowly for me or never died but I wanted to move on for other reasons. Most of my exes I would still find sexually desirable and could, in the right circumstances, could allow myself to be seduced. I can only think of maybe two exes I don't have sexual desire for at some level, one of whom happens to be my ex wife.

So it's never happened where the sexual desire would just die off, especially immediately. Until yesterday, when in a moment I felt all of my attraction for my wife completely disappear.

Our relationship has been rocky, gut-wrenching and downright dysfunctional. There have been a lot of great moments and wonderful experiences, but it's certainly had its' problems. What I believe kept us together was the chemistry and desire. Even though the sex wasn't the white-hot sex I'd been used to with many of my exes, the desire was super strong. I sometimes think I stayed in this unhealthy situation because of the attraction, so the flame was always there.

There were things that challenged my attraction, but nothing that landed. She had an old, unattractive motor cop ex fiancé who I saw as completely not in her league. There was the frustration of not being able to get the sex above the "very good" level and into that insanely awesome category where "best ever" is obvious. There was the recent fight, seeing the crap she wrote about me in her diary. There were challenges, but the attraction never died. I planned to leave, but I knew I wanted her the whole time.

Then yesterday I finally researched this guy who she claimed was her most memorable lover. What a total buzzkill. Turns out to be yet another old, unattractive cop. And in that moment, I not only logically saw that my wife and I are just from totally different worlds, but it landed for me. Maybe the pictures of the other old, ugly ex cocked the gun and this just pulled the trigger, but I actually felt my attraction for the woman I'd been insanely (literally) attracted to die. The desire completely died.

I found myself in a place of peace. It's actually a very nice place. No anger, no jealousy, just a calm, grounded realization that my wife and I are completely incompatible, that we've always been sexually incompatible, and that it's time for us to go back to our own worlds and part as friends. It felt sad that the relationship was over, but also really good that I'd found peace. I was completely over the woman I had been head-over-heels for just that morning.

At first I thought maybe this was fatigue, that seeing her would bring back the spark. When I got home, I felt this weird pressure. There was no desire on my part, but definitely on hers. I found myself doing things to keep her from making a move on me, which I'd never do. I spoke to her as a friend. Kissing her felt like kissing a sister. The feeling was totally gone. I guess seeing the disconnect between her choice in men and the man I am just snapped that wire and the electricity went completely off. I'd never experienced anything like this.

That night, I found myself worrying that she'd pursue me and force me to speak the truth. I really wanted my sleep, and I thought maybe a good night's sleep would reset things. In the morning I was making sure I was sleeping in a way that she couldn't grab me, played it like I really needed my sleep.

This is just a bizarre situation! I'd never felt this non-sexual around a woman. It's actually a good place to be, maybe I could integrate some of this and be more grounded in myself and lose my attachment to sex that I've been swimming in.

In the morning, she kissed me hard. Nothing. I saw her naked body. Nothing. I'm going about my day, thinking of her. Nothing. It's really dead. Huh. My intuition must've been on to something.

And now I think about all the wasted years, all the incompatibility, all the obsession over her. I wish I knew the truth about her – I would have ended this three or four months into this thing and not let any of my other women go. I'm actually ashamed of this relationship – I'm seeing she's not in my league. She can go back to her old cop boyfriends and I'll find some younger, more fit, more attractive, more supportive women who have more normal sense of what's attractive and what isn't.

So how do I end things with my wife? I could write a letter, I could just sit down and talk with her. But right now I'm thinking I'll let this play out. I know what I feel, what I want and I'm going to let the how happen organically. In the meantime, I'm actually enjoying my total non-attraction as a way to detach from my need for sex and validation.

Weird how things turn out.

Reality Check

2009-10-19T11:06:00.001-07:00

This new job has to be the most non-sexual environment I've ever seen. There are seriously two women who are attractive in this place, and the environment is just totally listless in that arena. My last job always had some tension and excitement – young, attractive people, lots of great energy. This place is mostly old, lifeless geeks

Holy crap, it's been a wild few weeks. I had my psychic ass handed to me a few weeks ago. I'm not going to get into the details of it, but it was a very humbling experience that might very well have set me down the right path.

Pretty much throughout my "sexual life" I've been holding onto a fear of being cheated on. As I think on it, what was really scaring me was that I wouldn't be able to handle something like that – I'd be crushed, I'd go crazy with rage, I'd never believe in myself as a man or a lover or whatever. I wasn't cheated on but I got a really good taste of not only what it feels like to be cheated on, but to be held in complete contempt – in other words, total rejection. It felt worse than if I had been cheated on, because there was no compassion or caring whatsoever, just total disdain.

It was coming from a place of hurt and it wasn't genuine, but I allowed myself to let the impact fully hit me, to fully accept the message and how it landed. I didn't allow myself to go to anger, I stayed with the real feeling. And it sucked. It hurt – a lot. I went into the hurt, really felt it an allowed it to sink in. I didn't collapse, but I did really feel the impact, and it was intense.

Later that evening, the pain transformed into this awesome realization that this was something I could handle, that this whole "being cheated on" didn't have to run me. I was a lot stronger than I'd been giving myself credit for. The worst someone could throw at me might hurt, but it wouldn't kill me, and it wouldn't diminish me as a man. In fact, it might actually make me better for the bargain.

I came away feeling very different about everything. I looked at sex differently – I realized I have made something that is not a big deal into a "BIG DEAL." I looked at myself differently – I could see where I've been basing my identity on things outside of me, like my sex life, like being the "best lover," what the woman thinks of me. And I could see that me, the real me, was almost nowhere to be found in all this. I was spending my energy worrying about her fidelity, needing constant validation, needing attraction, and almost no energy on me, what I want, what I enjoy, finding strength and confidence from within.

So I started giving some things up. I have worked on accepting the possibility that no woman would ever find me attractive – not because I believe that I'm unattractive, but because I want my happiness and confidence to be centered on me, and I want to stop seeking anything from women. I'm working on accepting the possibility that I will never be "the best lover," again, not because I want to suck, but because I want to focus to be on me being in the moment and enjoying it, which just so happens to be a hell of a lot more pleasurable for her than me trying to get her to be pleased.

And I am accepting that sex is not a big deal, that I can be sexy and sexual without needing anything from women. This one's been hard for me, because I've made it into this big thing. So I've also had to work on letting go of a few other things – having a girl around is no big deal, being "cool" is no big deal, being accepted by my peers is no big deal, being seen as "the man" is no big deal, basically all the other external junk that's being held up by this belief that sex is a "BIG DEAL" that will get me all these other "BIG DEAL" things.

It's a process. I still feel the charge over these things, the need for validation the accepting outside validation instead of looking at things as they are, so it's still a process of change. But it does feel different, a lot different. More humble, more real. A combination of both humility and confidence based on a more grounded sense of what's real.

Positives and Negatives

2009-10-06T18:04:00.001-07:00

My wife and I had a great talk yesterday, talked about why our sex life has been so great lately, talked about a lot of the good things, talked about being open and honest in this relationship. It was a good talk. We want to stay friends whatever happens, be partners in raising our son, lots of good things. Had a decent sleep, but feel more tired today than yesterday.

Today my feelings have gone between the great feeling of closeness and connection with my wife to the feelings of dead energy and resentment from all those weekend when I was counting the minutes to when I could go back to work. I never thought I'd be in a situation where I was wishing I could be at work, but that's been my life most of this marriage.

At one point, the sex was lousy and nearly nonexistent. I was stuck at home on weekends, on "lockdown." I felt unloved and undesired. I got back into the whole "pickup" thing not so much to find other women (although I was hoping I could find some hot sex to replace my shitty sex life, but I wasn't exactly trying hard) but to feel desired. All I did was develop neediness and desperation. I know I'm attractive and desirable, but when you need it, you push it away.

I switched to getting right with myself, owning my sexuality and being honest with myself. I got more confident and really started owning my life. I threatened to leave her. She responded by being a better wife. I was still being way too needy, looking around, but I was getting right with my sexuality. I owned my desire.

Things really turned around after my layoff in May. I spent a lot of time on myself, on my sexuality, and really got right with myself. I approached the job search slowly, but found something good rather quickly. I started having this great connection with a sexy coworker without any intention of having it go anywhere, I was just enjoying the connection. I'd find myself having feelings and attachments and I'd bring myself back to center, just rolling with it. It was energizing.

And at the same time the sex with my wife became amazing. There was a lot more space and freedom in the relationship, less of a feeling of lockdown, less stress. Things with my older son got better. My finances started turning around after I put my foot down. I started asserting myself about things in the house I didn't like and started saying what I really wanted.

But the oppression of the lockdown weekends, the "worst vacation ever" over Christmas, the calendar documenting the two-times-a-week average for our God-awful sex life, the fights, the terrible treatment of my son, the giving up my skydiving, the spending money, time and effort on a waste of a marriage, those things haven't gone away.

I'm realizing now that I was a total fool to live that life. I never want to go there again. I lived it out of obligation, and it sucked. She got herself pregnant (fucking just stopped using birth control, the idiot), so I have to stop my life to take care of her pregnant ass while she's being a raging bitch about my son. Then the baby's born, so I'm bending over to take care of her and the baby. Then when we get out of the woods, her dad gets cancer and we *have* to pack up the baby every other weekend and drive halfway across the state to deal with this.

Then there was her falling out with my parents. I had to lie and tell them I was sick so I could get out of Christmas and we spent it with her damn friends at some fucking annoying family gathering that I think sucked. I can't BELIEVE I went along with that – what the fuck was I thinking? That was a small part of "worst vacation ever."

For two fucking years it's been the most horrible experience of my life. Two years! This hasn't been a marriage, it's been a prison sentence! I was ready to leave when I talked to my dad earlier this year. Right now it's great, but I have a feeling this is more likely just a flash in the pan then the real deal. In a couple weeks we'll be back to dead energy and I'll be trapped in some other obligation, in a shitty life, counting the minutes until I go back to work. Unless I leave. Unless I look past this "good stuff," see the big picture, and take back my life while I can.

…Finally Over?

2009-10-05T12:19:00.001-07:00

This weekend I took some pictures on my cell of all the crap around the apartment – the closets overflowing with clothes, the space above the closets full of boxes of her useless papers and crap, junk all over that's been sapping my energy and making me hate every minute in this place. I don't know what I planned to do with these pictures, but I took them out of disgust and frustration.

I was showing other pictures to the Mrs. and one of the closet also scrolled up. Later that night she couldn't sleep and went out to the living room. Turns out she was busy out there, going through my phone, my work bag and who knows what else. At three in the morning, she questions me about whether I want to be in this marriage, here we go again. She says she saw the pictures and wanted to know what I'm doing.

I told her how I can't stand the state of the apartment, can't live with her pack rat behavior and can't imagine how she can live like this. I told her how I wasn't going to spend good money on a storage space for my things while she keeps boxes of crap in the apartment. When things got heated and she questioned the boxes, I dumped the contents of the crap boxes on the floor.

Shortly after that, we both agreed we wanted to end this. This time, I think it's a real end. I told her I'd move my stuff out this weekend, that I wasn't going to kill myself to accommodate her by moving out before then.

Later I got a call that she was worried about the baby. Like she has any reason to question my parenting. This is a woman who alienated my son and leaves the home a complete hellhole.

She also accused me of having an affair with my coworker. Must've seen something in the affirmation notes. Not the smartest thing I've ever done, leaving them in the bag, but then again, I'm not all that bummed she saw them. (Kind of ironic since that's clearly NOT an affair and I was actually enjoying how I could feel attraction and not act on it in being around this woman.)

So it's ending. More on the ugly side than I'd expected, and earlier than I'd hoped, but I'm not regretful. I'd been dreading the healing process, but it's time to stop the festering and begin to heal and get on with my life. I've been so unhappy in this for so long that after I get over the initial pain and stress, it's going to feel great to be free of this oppression. And with the almost complete payoff of my debt, it comes at a perfect time for me to quickly get my act together and get on with my life.

Right now I feel kind of in shock and sad. I can feel some panic attacks coming on, but I'm going to face this pain, not run away from it. Nothings going to kill me, I'll be fine. But I'm going to face this with integrity and presence. A new day is starting, one that should have begun a long, long time ago.

Seeing the Light: Almost Out of Debt

2009-10-01T13:22:00.001-07:00

Since my separation from my first wife in 2003, I've been in debt – car and credit card. Some of this was poor choices as far as moving into my own apartment too soon instead of saving some money. Some was paying too much for a car. Some was the poor decision to buy a ring and get married again. Some was overspending on travel, dinners and entertainment on same wife. Some was my own impulse purchases – skydiving lessons, parachute rig, self improvement stuff. Some was flat-out bullshit by my wife – she demanded $5,000 to help fix her condo, claiming this would benefit me, too, but I'll never see a dime from that fucking condo of hers. She also had me go in with her on her stupid Winnebago trip cross-country after I was laid off, real classy.

So for several years now I've been dealing with over $500 a month in loan payments, on top of my child support, on top of daycare for my baby, on top of daily expenses (again, friggin "wife," who makes more than me, invented this idea that I wanted to pay for the groceries "to provide for our family," while she saves money away for her savings and entertainment). Every time I'd start paying it down, the Mrs. seemed to find new ways to suck more money out of me and up it would go again, never to end.

So a couple months ago I snapped and told my ex and my parents that I was completely broke and hopelessly in debt. (I'd said this to my wife, too, but she couldn't be bothered to give a shit, since it's not her money, even though a lot of it was directly attributable to her.) I got my new job and committed myself to putting away at least $1,000 toward debt payment every month, cutting back to the bare bones. I bought a Britta and ground coffee and told wifey that was my contribution to the coffee and bottled water for the household. I stopped buying beer for the "Beertender" that wifey bought me but has ended up being used mostly by her. (Wow, pretty great gift for HER… buy me this cool draft beer dispenser and then have me buy all the beer for it while she drinks most of it!) I cut back on beer drinking and everything else. No more "self improvement purchases."

I also said no to all her travel plans. I don't want to spend the money going halfsies on her expensive lifestyle.

While I was doing this, my parents helped me by loaning me $27,000 to pay off the interest-bearing loan. A zero-interest loan that I could pay off at my pace. I came up with some money and my nearly $29,000 interest loan became a $27,000 zero-interest loan, saving me hundreds every month right there. And I didn't say a word to wifey, I have no trust for her when it comes to finances.

Then the huge surprise came – the ex offered to pay off the loan she owes me as part of the settlement early for $23,000! It took over a month to get this arranged, but last night I got the check from her and today I deposited it in the bank. I'll send the money over to my folks Monday and I'm almost completely out of the shadows on this thing! I danced the happy dance last night!

In the meantime, I put $2,000 toward the loan, cut my monthly credit card statement to about half of what it was averaging before, and put some money away for a rainy day fund. Right now, I could pay off the entire loan, but instead I'm going to keep a cushion and actually build on it slightly over the next two months. I'll have this debt entirely gone by my birthday next month, with a savings cushion to spare!

That's an awesome feeling, being free of this debt and building a savings cushion. I'm going to keep my expenses in line and never look back. And I'm not saying a word to the wife about any of this. I don't want her to come back with some demand for unexpected money from me for her own stupid decisions, or hear whining about how I don't take her to dinner more often, or have her invent some BS about how I should pay for all the household expenses even though she makes more money, because I'm the man (where the FUCK did she come up with that line of crap??? Why did I BUY it?!?!). I'm getting free and clear on this, staying free and clear, and I'll have the freedom to get free and clear from her, too!

A good day.

Focus – Assertiveness, Masculine Sexuality

2009-09-25T16:32:00.001-07:00

This came up months and months ago during my coaching, that I'm the "nice guy" and my edge is expanding out my masculine presence and being assertive.

As I've gone through my latest rounds of evolution, or whatever you call it, that edge has come up again. It's in the other posts, so it's always been there, but I've reached a point where I'm committed to really expanding this edge. I'm going to focus on pushing the assertiveness and masculine sexuality out as far as I can in every direction.

This means taking EVERY opportunity to be as assertive as possible, whether it's how I greet people, how I make eye contact, how I communicate, how I conduct my life, how I relate to myself, everything. This isn't about putting up an "alpha" front. I can feel my masculine presence and sexuality, so there's nothing here to fake. I feel more grounded in my body, more connected to my sexuality and more connected to my masculine energy than ever before. So it's not "fake it till I make it," it's pushing that man I am as far into those uncomfortable, yet very authentic, places as I possibly can.

I ABSOLUTELY have been selling myself short as a man. Up until recently, it's been because I just didn't accept who I was. I'm owning myself, my sexuality, my masculinity now. This is about asserting that out into the world now. It's about redirecting every thought, action, habit, interaction and decision into alignment with assertive masculinity.

This is my world. This is my space. I own it. This is my life, I live it boldly, the way I want to. This is my sexuality, my desire, I own it. This is me, here I am – deal with it.

I'm taking this far into the other extreme. I want it to feel uncomfortable and keep stretching to the point of being obnoxiously macho, because that for me is probably "centered," and keep doing this until that becomes my normal way of being. It's time to step up, step into my role as a real man, and fully own it with boldness and passion. I don't think I was fully ready to go here when the coach suggested it months ago, but I'm ready now, I'm committed to this.

Back Fetish?

2009-09-18T13:08:00.001-07:00

The other day I was noticing my sexy coworker walking in front of me. And I wasn't staring at her ass (although it's an awesome ass, near perfection). She had a top that exposed a lot of her upper back and it was firm, toned, strong and muscular. It was SO sexy, I've found myself going back to that moment, I love the sight of a woman's sexy back. I've noticed my wife as she's lost weight and her back's become a lot more toned, so yummy.

I love massaging her back, kissing it, feeling those firm, feminine muscles, feeling my fingers pressing into them and feeling them relax so gently. I think it's why I've taken such an interest in massage, because I just absolutely love the sensation of relaxing a woman's back. And I love giving my sexy coworker massages – her back is really strong, muscular and firm, she's a hardcore trainer at the gym. Oh, and feeling those muscles relax under my fingers feels SO good… I'm getting turned on thinking about it right now.

Then today at the gym there's one woman who isn't afraid to lift weights. I love that, those women are always so toned and strong and I'm impressed with their dedication. We've been making this great eye contact connection, there's some budding chemistry, so I was checking her out a little more today. She's a little chunky in parts, pretty good shape overall but oh, that back! She was wearing a tank top and I could see some of that sexy back. Delicious. I want to have my hand on that part of her back when she's arching for me. And then I want to dig my fingers into that back and feel it melt in the afterglow.

I don't know if there's an evolutional reason for this turnon or if this is something more unique to me. I had no idea until recently I even had this turnon… but I like it! A woman wants to get into my pants, and get a killer massage in the bargain, forget the belly shirt and cleavage. Instead, hit the gym and wear the low cut back.

I’m Falling in Love??

2009-09-18T12:53:00.001-07:00

After years of trudging through an unfulfilling marriage while focusing on bettering myself, things were bound to start happening, even if I kept myself hidden under a rock socially, which I pretty much have. With the oh-so-little time I have actually spent being in social situations, I can see this would be completely out of control if I were actually being social.

So, right now, I have my wife, who is at times getting a lot better and at times as much of a draining pain in the ass as ever. I've explained my financial and obligatory situation before. Now, there is no obligation, so I've been cracking down on the bullshit. I moved her crap on the tables and elsewhere in the house to her side of the bed. I threw out some old shit of hers. I put my foot down about having some friggin organization and emptied every one of my son's disorganized drawers into a pile on his floor. I threw her stupid paper shredder, old magazines and a useless glass decoration that sits in a corner and is seen by nobody on the porch, get that crap out of my sight and out of the hands of our little one.

I put my foot down on expenditures. No more of her thinking my extra money is hers to spend on dinners and vacations. I said no to her vacation plan. I said no to buying her special expensive crap at the grocery store. She makes more money than me, she can buy it herself or make other arrangements. I explained to her I'm paying off my debt, much of which was accumulated thanks to her stupid lifestyle, and that everything else is secondary.

On the other hand, she's been dieting and going to the gym. She's lost a lot of weight, has a lot more energy, looks fantastic and the sex has been… BEST. EVER. Seriously, she's become this total animal in bed, just attacking me, riding me hard, coming like crazy and just so INTO it! I don't know what this woman did with my wife, but the aliens can keep the other one. I'm becoming addicted to the amazing sex and it seems like the more I commit myself to my own path, the more I assert myself in this relationship and don't put up with her shit, and the less I care if this lives or dies, the better and better the sex gets.

Some of this has to do with my becoming more sexual, thanks to things like the AMP program and getting through my own issues. I'm also connecting better with her by being more open with my own wants, needs and desires, and being grounded. But some of this I'm convinced is driven by my increasing indifference. And when I become more affectionate and do nice things for her, like buy her flowers, it seems to go away. It's like women are only horny when their man is acting like a selfish bad boy and treating them bad. Not very useful for them, but it's working GREAT for me! :-D

I've been spending a lot of time at the gym, a lot of time on myself and a lot of time with my older son. I've reconnected with him and our relationship is improving, now that wifey is out of the picture as far as that's concerned. My physique and mindset are very sexy now.

I've reconnected with my sexuality, my desire and what's true for me. I've embraced my desire for other women and shed the BS notion that I'm obligated to anybody or anything. I'm listening to my heart. I'm not out actively seeking women, but I'm open. I'm starting to attract women and I'm letting go of the lame excuses not to approach and embrace my desire. The result is things like women approaching me at the beach, even when I'm out with my wife and son, women connecting with me at the gym (I'm serious about my workout, I don't make time to socialize, but major eye game), and making connections in whatever other few opportunities present themselves. Like eye gaming in the theater at my older son's birthday party.

And establishing this amazing connection with the woman who I'm replacing here at my new job, and whose been training me. I thought she was hot from the interview when I first saw her, but we're both married, so I just enjoyed the amazing eye contact and open conversation. I savored sitting in my desire and not wanting or needing things to go in any particular direction. Then she starts opening up about how unhappy she is in her marriage. I share about my disappointing married life. Our conversations start becoming more intimate. We text each other, and the texts start getting sexual – not about each other, just in a general sense.

I start finding myself thinking about her a lot. I've been able to gently reframe it to something inspirational, to a belief that there is an abundance of women like her out there, that I'm a lot more attractive than I'd been thinking, that I could be a lot more outgoing and assertive around women and it would work out great for me. Instead of "oneitis," she's been a source of energy for me to keep expanding, to be more sexual, to be more bold and assertive, to think better of myself, to not be attached to her or my wife but to really be right with myself. It's been a great thing.

But there's no doubt I've been feeling more than just attraction. Nothing's gotten physical between us, but things like her putting me in the role of the white night who grabs her by the hair, whisks her away from her unhappy situation, throws her on the bed and gives her what she's been missing for so long. Okay, that one started with her saying she wanted "someone," and then later saying "and then you'll grab me by the hair and whisk me away," and suggesting what mode of transportation I should be using when this happens. Again, nothing's actually happened, but the chemistry's definitely there, and I really appreciate our budding friendship, and I'm seeing why "affairs of the heart" can be so deadly. And, oh, what a beautiful, sexy body – she works out like a motherfucker at the gym and it really shows… yummy.

Then there's the "mistress," my ex whose not completely an ex, who I visit for hot sex, good company and female energy that's so missing in my tomboy wife. I love having a woman in my life who cares for me the way a woman is supposed to care for a man, instead of this independent, second-rate-man shit. The mistress is traditionally feminine – Asian. The conversation isn't as stimulating, but she's overflowing with that wonderful femininity and she knows how to take care of a man, and how to enjoy a man for being a man. Why is it so fucking hard to find white women who get this??

So my plate is full. I've got incredible sex with my hotter-than-ever wife, even if the relationship itself is dysfunctional (too bad she isn't just a gf, I'd be a completely happy camper right now), I've got a sexy girlfriend who treats me like a woman should treat a man, I've got this amazing budding taboo chemistry with a hot coworker and I've got this whole "other world" that I've barely explored full of women who want to be in my life and that feeling of choice, abundance and sexual energy that I've been wanting and working toward for years and years. I feel sexy, powerful, abundant, grounded and excited about life. I also feel uneasy, that it's getting time to make a change in my living arrangement, but limited by financial considerations.

I'm okay with falling for the coworker, as long as my love for myself is greater and I keep moving toward that place of choice and abundance that I really want. I know even if she and I were to have a relationship, I'd want other women. I need to honor that, fulfill that desire and trust my heart in what it wants. The last thing I want to do is get out of one prison and find myself in another. But I do enjoy thinking about her…

Finding Presence Through… Kid Rock??

2009-09-14T13:07:00.001-07:00

A little random and unexpected. Before I went to bed I listened to one of the meditations from Hypnotica's "Reinventing Yourself" set called "Creating Alternatives." The problem I had was wanting to be more bold and assertive in dealing with people. The meditation asks the creative subconscious to come up with three alternatives to deal with the problem.

So I'm lying in bed, nearly asleep, and "Picture," the Kid Rock & Sheryl Crow song, pops into my head. I used to have that song in my head a lot when I was going through the throes of my first divorce. Now I'm going through a lot of the same feelings, as this marriage is going the same way. The accompanying panic attack started coming with it, the old panic attacks I had a lot when I was dealing with my divorce, and which I've been running away from in one way or another ever since.

So I got up, did some stretching to loosen up my still-sprained back, and then decided to face this thing. I got out my iPod and, sat on the couch and listened to the song. The panic attack came up and I got really present with it, breathing into my belly, feeling in my body and reminding myself this is just my mind and not me. And I could feel the panic just melt away. All that was left was this stillness, a light, quiet feeling. When the song was over, I looked around and everything seemed new. My mind was still and in this moment I thought "God is here. Everything is okay." I felt like I was being held and I could let go.

And then I cried my eyes out. It felt really good to just let go, to not have to hold it in. I'd been holding it together for so long, just "doing what I have to do." For the first time in years, I felt held, that I didn't have to keep it together, I could just let go and be me. And that's when the wellspring of pent-up emotion came up. And then my heart felt light again. I felt a presence, a beauty in the moment. Everything was going to be okay, no matter what happened.

I asked for a way to become more bold, to really put my full self out there. And my creative subconscious came up with something amazing.

The Feeling of Nothingness

2009-09-01T12:06:00.001-07:00

There is no pressure or stress. There is nothing to do, nothing to prove, nothing to "make happen." Allow myself to picture myself being this free, this light. There is nothing to do, to prove, to think about, to worry about, to be afraid of, to apologize for, to feel shame over. Just a peaceful, carefree, light feeling of living.

There is no past and no future, only here and now. Allow myself to feel the total freedom of letting my past be and holding myself in the moment. No more having to answer to old ways of doing things, old identities or experiences. Everything that was painful or incongruent from my past is now gone, washed away forever, leaving only me here now. Feel the lightness of realizing there is no past, the freedom of being able to just be here now, not thinking about or answering for anything before. I realize the past was only an illusion and I gently let go of that illusion.

Allow myself to feel the peace and joy of never having to imagine the future. I just do what I have to do now. I focus only on what is. I'm free from imagining what could happen or might happen. I'm free from all worry, just standing here in this beautiful moment, living my life now. I realize the concept of the future was an illusion, and I let it go.

My body feels alive and vigorous. I allow myself to enjoy every sensation in my body right now. Free from distracting thoughts, I can enjoy living in this beautiful body.

I fill my space. I fill the room around me. I fill up my world with my presence. Free from the illusion of worry and fear, free from the illusion of the past , free from the illusion of the future. Free from the illusion of having to do something or prove something. Free from judgment and shame. I allow myself to be in the moment, in the world around me, to fully participate in this arena of life.

I breathe – deeply, slowly, fully, sensually, powerfully. I feel – sensual, loving, energized, joyful, grounded, peaceful. I gaze – openly, lovingly, connecting completely. I move – fluidly, sensually, openly. I connect completely. I love unconditionally. I live here and now. I think when I need to, at my direction. I radiate my loving presence. I treat myself with loving patience, unconditional acceptance and deep honor and admiration for the beautiful, amazing, powerful man that I am.

I allow myself to be, to feel this freedom and joy. I lovingly, gently bring myself back to this place when I momentarily forget my presence. I honor myself and deeply admire the amazing, magnetic, inspiring, attractive, sexy man whose in my essence.

I loving, gently, joyfully let everything else go, until there's just me in this moment.

Aligning Myself With “Real SPG”

2009-08-31T16:14:00.001-07:00

I was really hurt about my wife making plans without saying anything to me. And her checking out for most of this weekend didn't exactly enhance my opinion of the situation. I worked on being present with the sadness and not indulging in the anger, but I was still pissed by the whole week and going into the weekend.

Wifey and I did finally have a talk – after she tried to uninvited me to dinner plans with friends and they busted her on it. I managed to get her to admit to the whole vacation changing thing, which she tried to blame on me in her typical fashion. Eventually we did come to a good place and talk about some things, but the underlying problems haven't changed. Bottom line, this relationship has never been that big of a priority for her. For me, I think it's been more the thrill of the chase than really wanting to be with this woman.

Certain truths are starting to crystallize. A lot of the things I appreciate most in myself are things she hardly appreciates at all. I guess I figured that a college-educated woman would value education and make that a priority in her life. Most women like smart men. She seems to be either totally indifferent or actually preferable to the uneducated blue-collar type, who I never associate with in my life.

The other women I've been with wanted me all the time, to the point I was drained. They'd change their schedules and turn their lives upside down to make sure they had as much bedroom time with me as possible. This one, I'm feeling a lack of intensity. I was beating myself up, taking it personally and really having a hard time with this until I just accepted it and realized this is who she is with me. Maybe I'm not the type of guy she's really into, maybe she's just that way. I can accept who she's being, who I am and what I want without any attachment or emotional reaction one way or another. But it elicits a truth, that I'm not okay living like this.

Then there's the "separate vacations" thing, which is resuming as a regular pattern. And the reality is, I'm happy not being with her, either. It's a realization that feels true and sad at the same time.

So I've been focusing on "What would the SPG I want to be do?" and then being that man and doing those things. It's been a shift full of resistance and roadblocks. There's a part of me that's really attached to that old identity. Even writing this, I see that attachment – this wanting to be "the smart guy," this idealism of relationships, taking her disinterest in our relationship personally (which on the flip side means I was taking credit for the other women who wanted me, instead of accepting the "is-ness" of it all). There's a lot of resistance to seeing me as "already past this issue," so there's even an attachment to the "struggle." But what if I'm just creating the struggle? What if I've always been "past it," because there is no "it" to get past?

And that brought up a "whoa" moment, where I realized that, to be my real self, I'd have to completely let go of everything. Not "I'll let go of everything and then I'll get the bitches," but just let go of it and be ready to embrace that guy I really am, even if he's nothing like the guy I've been imagining I am. That every belief and paradigm I've known is false – they lied to me. Really let go of it all, then turn and embrace this man I am unconditionally. Then turn and embrace the world and the people in it, unconditionally. Then be brave and align my life with that man, who could very well be a total stranger to me. And be prepared to go wherever that takes me.

My first reaction to letting go like this is sadness. If everything I know about myself and my world is wrong, that feels sad to me. But why?? Once I've worked through what's causing pain about letting go, and letting go, alignment will feel a lot smoother.

Seizing the Opportunities, Even When They Seem to Suck

2009-08-28T14:56:00.001-07:00

I've given myself the task of looking at the world and noticing every opportunity. Everything is an opportunity and there are no limitations. Then it's my job to figure out how to seize the opportunity and take action. No matter how unpleasant or uncomfortable at the time, find and take the opportunity.

At first I thought the challenge would be something like "dealing with fear," the whole "go talk to the girl" kind of thing. But the opportunities that have come up have been quite different and actually more painful and consequential in comparison.

The weekend where wifey took the baby and went on a vacation without me was an opportunity. I found separation and reconnected with my son. But that opportunity came with pain – my son said he wanted to change his last name to his mom's and I began feeling the realization that this marriage is deeply unfulfilling for me, while she's perfectly happy. I was actually sad to have her home. Then I injured my back (which is healing quickly, thankfully) and this is another opportunity – to pay attention to my body, to focus on myself and not on my relationship with my wife, to work through intense physical pain and find some presence. This created another level of separation from the wife and brought up a deep-seeded feeling of unhappiness.

I'm coming to a realization that this marriage has been about the thrill of the chase, of me trying to gain her love, win her approval, make her happy, meet some challenge, but it's never been a relationship where I felt happy. My happiness has come from outside the relationship – in me. And the more work I do on that, the more disconnected and discontented I feel.

Then last night I came across a printed email between my wife and her girlfriend. Unbeknownst to me, she and her friend decided to uninvite me to an upcoming family trip and wifey's now going with her friend instead. She hasn't said a thing to me and I'm doubtful she will anytime soon. I let this settle and refocused from anger to the real feelings and I found it really hurts. I feel pain and sadness. Pain that she would do such a thing to me and apparently think so little of me, and sadness at the confirmation that, yet again, the marriage is going in a totally different direction than what I want.

I let myself be in this feeling. I put aside the thoughts that I shouldn't feel pain, because I've been thoughtless toward her, too. I put aside the thought that, if she had asked me, I would have happily given her the weekend and been grateful for the free weekend. It's the way she did this that seems like she kind of detests me, and that hurt pretty deeply. Leaving aside the justification and judgment, it HURTS.

Then there's another feeling, one which had been growing all week. I feel this chasm between where the relationship is, where she wants it to go, and what I want and need if I'm going to be in a relationship. This correspondence only adds to the growing sense of disconnect.

So this is my new "opportunity," to face this issue and take action based on what's right for me. It hurts, it really sucks, but there is a gift here. The universe has given me something I asked for, and it's my job to face these painful feelings and seize the opportunity. It's been a rough week.

The No-Mrs. Weekend – Shifting Perspective

2009-08-24T12:47:00.001-07:00

I'm currently sitting here in pretty serious pain from a back injury inflicted at the gym yesterday. But painful back injury notwithstanding, this past weekend was very enjoyable, very meaningful and very enlightening.

I got to enjoy the most quality one-on-one time with my older son that I've had since I moved in with the Mrs. I got to really talk with my son and see some things from his perspective. I got to have time alone, apart from the wife, and feel comfort in that separation. I got the opportunity to enjoy my weekend on my terms, although less so after the gym mishap, but that's another opportunity as well. And I came out of the weekend with a new perspective on how I see my wife and my living situation.

As far as what I learned, I learned that this situation as it's been since I've moved in has been focused on my wife. My focus has been on either pleasing my wife to get approval, accommodating my wife to avoid confrontation, anger and obsession with my wife's choices in her life, resentment at not getting what I feel I deserve from my wife, or resistance to my wife – push back. Every thought or action seems to be filtered through the prism of my relationship with my wife. This weekend I got to just enjoy being with my older son and there was no consideration of my wife one way or another. I had time to myself where I could just do my thing, whatever that is I want to do. By the end of the weekend, I could look at the apartment from my own perspective, apart from what my wife might or might not think. I threw a bunch of my crap and her crap out. I cleaned things up and changed the sheets. I put a bunch of my stuff away. I thought about what life I want, just for me, without any consideration for her.

When she came back, I was in a lot of pain, but I wanted to be moving, as I think that helps with the healing process, so I folded the laundry and gave the little guy a bath. I asked for help when I needed it. I talked about what was important for me. I listened without judgment or reaction. I just let myself be and let her be. It was nice, a very calm, comfortable place. I didn't feel any need to take action or make an issue of anything, but I also didn't feel repressed or stifled.

At one point last night I started feeling a little panic attack. I was having trouble breathing through my nose, and feeling very restricted by my injury, which makes me very uncomfortable. But I think some of this was my approaching an edge, that I was finding a point where I was operating outside of the usual comfort zone and my ego was trying to regain control. I got up, stretched a little, inhaled some saline mist, went back to bed and slept well. I've come to the conclusion that these little panic attacks are a sign I'm on the right track, that there's the edge, that this is an opportunity to walk through whatever's blocking me and into a new life.

And things are feeling more "edgy" lately. I'd been feeling a strengthening closeness and attraction with my hot female coworker. We'd been spending a good part of our workdays just sitting and talking, often about heavy things, like how our respective marriages aren't working out. There's a part of me that's wanting to pull apart from that, that this interaction is "taking me off track," but I'm not going there. Instead I'm focusing on bringing myself fully into the moment, feeling the feelings that are there, enjoying being with her, while checking in with what's true for me. I don't want to go straight from a marriage into another exclusive relationship. And while I find her very interesting and attractive, I'm not sure I'd want to pursue something long-term with her, even if I was in such a place.

But I don't have to be a no, or even a yes, to some future event. I can just be a yes to what is, and a yes to what I want. Yah, she's hot, she's super interesting and fun to be around, I'd love to fuck her brains out and do fun, romantic things with her outside the bedroom as well. Cool. I'm also cool with the fact that I want to have a lot of options with women and that I really want to expand my choices by learning to be more authentic and bring out more of the attractive, sexy man inside. And I'm cool with the fact it might never work out between me and her. And, instead of just walking away or putting up the wall, I'm totally okay with just letting things be like this and being curious about what happens.

When I find myself thinking about her to a point that's getting in the way of my being present, I use that as a teaching moment to get back to what is. Often I find I'm inspired by her to do more and to take care of some of the things I've been wanting for myself. She's even inspired me to be more confident around other women – hey, here's this hot women and we've got this chemistry, so why not with other women, too? So I'm feeling inspired, finding my edges and feeling good about the whole thing. I'm grateful for the opportunity and see her as a gift from the universe to help me on my way, whatever happens.

SO, the next step is to have that in ALL my interactions with women. Wouldn't that be awesome?? Have these really special interactions that would sometimes be sexual, sometimes not, might even lead to a relationship, or a friendship, or nothing, but they're all inspiring, energizing, enlightening and filled with chemistry, attraction and a positive energy that makes me a better man.

Moments of Presence, Moments of Anger

2009-08-20T15:02:00.001-07:00

I can't deny the anger that is inside. It's time to acknowledge it and let it move through, instead of holding onto it or trying to deny it. Yesterday I allowed myself to feel anger over all the crap that the Mrs. leaves around the apartment – bills, letters, notes, magazines… junk! It's piled everywhere and living with a pack rat like this is causing me stress and grief. So yesterday I looked around and allowed myself to be present with my anger. Anger is the opposite of presence, but anger is there, I was simply allowing it to exist and not declaring war on it.

It was good. I felt anger, I realized I'm not okay with living like this and got right with myself, and then I could just let it be. After that, I felt a lot more presence, I felt more authentic. I wasn't worried about my wife's reaction, I wasn't looking for approval, I was getting right with my anger and allowing myself to be. I was accepting what is true for me.

I have been letting this shit go for far too long and not because I'm accepting of it, but because I've been afraid to face up to the mess and get real with myself and with her. But that's not really letting things go, that's more like sweeping things under the carpet and ignoring the problem. It still comes up. I hate being in this apartment, and the problem is only going to continue as long as nothing changes. Move apartments, the shit will just come with us, unless I put my foot down and really do what's right for me.

I'm finding the path to peace and happiness is not to ignore, fight or deny pain and anger, it's to allow the emotions to be, to ask what these feelings want for me, get real with myself and then the feelings will pass through. But as long as fear and negativity are allowed to control things, nothing will ever change.

Awesome Things Coming My Way!

2009-08-14T15:07:00.001-07:00

Things are really starting to come along in so many important ways.

I had a really great time with my older son the other evening. He was so friendly and happy and talkative and just a great kid. He really made me feel proud and happy and it was just a very enjoyable time.

I'm finding it easier to be present and be a yes to things, to just be happy with myself and my life. This week I haven't been able to really do my affirmations the way I want, but things are moving the right way and I feel pretty peaceful. I got awesome workouts this week – I've been inspired to push myself more, thanks to hearing about the workouts my badass coworker girl does. For some reason this week, my waist is smaller and I look really good in the mirror. I was changing in the locker room and looked over as I was grabbing something and caught a glimpse of myself and thought "wow, this guy looks really good!" That was a great feeling.

But the BEST part of my week was the evening I saw my son. My ex talked to me later and said she wants to pay me for the note I hold that she's supposed to pay me when my son turns 18. This would almost entirely pay off my debt that's been oppressing me for years and limiting my options on what to do with my life. A couple weeks earlier I got a zero-interest loan from my parents and paid off my line of credit, so that's gone now, which right there frees up some money. And this would get rid of that entirely!

So if this debt is paid I have freedom. I could afford to move out and get my own place, without having to live with my parents for an extended period of time (unless I wanted to, to catch my breath and regroup). I can go back to skydiving, I could travel to places *I* want to go to. This is HUGE!!

Then my company announced they're switching to a schedule where we'll get every other Friday off – woohoo!!

I'm feeling moments where I'm in alignment with the Law of Attraction and when I'm in that state, things just flow to me. I've been also feeling moments where I'm feeling really attached to the hot coworker, and it's not congruent with what I want or where I want to be. The "oneitis" is something else going on there. I've caught myself fantasizing about her, which is fine, because she's hot and I'm open to enjoying my desire for her, but there's a closed off feeling for other women, that I'm not open, and there's a lack of presence. So it's crossed a line from healthy attraction into undesirable attachment. But now I don't see these moments as "backsliding." Instead, they're an opportunity to open up more, because it's another edge coming up. Something's there, and it's a chance to learn more about myself, be more in alignment and be more open and relaxed.

I also should explore why LOA is bringing me good financial fortune, but it's also bringing me unavailable women… it's because I'm unavailable… but open enough to attract these women into my life… I would like to open up more and be fully available. It could go hand in hand with the oneitis thing, there's an edge here and I'm shutting down… hmmm….

Anyhow, fucking awesome week. This could be the start of some really dramatic changes!!

Wanting Something… Why??

2009-08-12T14:07:00.001-07:00

I'm not even sure that's the question I want answered. I'm feeling an edge here and it REALLY bothers me. It's a new thing, because before I used to just accept the urge to reach for things without any thought and then wonder why things didn't work out or I ended up feeling weak and inauthentic.

So today, just checking in, I'm feeling that "wanting" feeling. I've got this attractive coworker and I'd been enjoying the vibe and really enjoying just being settled in my attraction without it "going somewhere," things are great, I've got women approaching me and feeling so grounded and happy. Then I start feeling this "pull," this wanting something to happen. I just can't be settled and accept and enjoy the uncertainty, enjoy being the one with the power whose the prize who seems to love uncertainty and sexual tension. I feel myself LEANING.

Something happened. She started talking about how unhappy her marriage was and it started feeling "heavy." But that's her problem, why did I take that on? I went home feeling "off," and the Mrs. rushes out and goes to the gym with this unusually "happy" expression, which seemed fake. And I felt worried. Again, why did I take this on? A headhunter, whose kind of cute, takes me to lunch today and I'm feeling that "hope something happens" feeling. And I just feel off.

I want there to be something, for something to happen, for things to "go somewhere," to get something. Instead of feeling I want to fuck these women and just being grounded in myself and totally happy with whatever's going on, I'm reacting and allowing external things to affect me. Then I'm reaching.

Okay, so handling uncertainty seems to be an edge. I can feel that if there's uncertainty, that kind of unseen, shapeless void in front of me, I seek to fill it. I haven't been able to be a complete yes to uncertainty. I fill it with fear and negative thoughts. But couldn't I just as easily (and more accurately, based on my experience) fill it with positive things. "I don't know what's going to happen, but I know it's going to be really good!" And just be like the kid the night before Christmas waiting to see what toys he'll open. That can happen for me.

What if, when my coworker started saying how unhappy her marriage is, I just held in the moment and thought "I don't know where this ride is going, but I know it's going to be a good ride for me." Because I don't know. I projected. It felt "serious," so I started thinking and then started the whole pattern of reaching/ leaning/ wanting/ losing my power. I had the sense to see where I was going and just separate myself from the source, but what if I could just be in that and accept it and not have to go through that backtracking.

When I went home and got the weird "Stepford Wife" routine, what if I thought "I have no idea what this is about, and I'm curious," instead of filling the void with dread. Couldn't I learn to just appreciate her as she is and appreciate the moment as it is and not try to guess what's behind it or what's coming up? Okay, let's say there is "something up," can't I trust myself to discover it in time and handle the situation? Can't I trust myself and my place enough to know that, whatever it is, it'll be for the best for me? How many times have I been laid off and ended up better off for the bargain? How many times have I pursued a woman, had it go nowhere, only to end up with someone better?

So first of all, this is in itself a breakthrough! I'm seeing around my way of being and realizing… there could be a better way, a way that's more consistent with who I am. I accept where I am, I love who I am being now, and I see how I'm not being congruent. I'm not beating myself up, thinking something's "wrong" with me, thinking I'm "off my game," blaming the women or anything like that. I'm not where I would like to be, but I can see how to get there, and I can see where I am.

So my challenge is to get right with uncertainty – right with things as they are, and right with things changing in ways I cannot control or predict, and which may be outside my current framework of "what I want" and "what's good or bad" as far as outcomes.

The Universe Provides… and General Update

2009-08-07T10:36:00.001-07:00

This mindset shift has been surprising. I've been focusing on bringing my awareness back into my body and into what's true for me. It's been great for addressing anger and fear, because I'm focusing more and more on what's true for me and how fucking happy I am with myself and my life.

For instance, it used to really bother me when my wife and I would go without sex for a period of time. I had all this attachment to the external event. Now I've been focusing my energy back into my body core (tailbone), what's true for me, and the joy and grounded happiness of just being me and living my life. So it just doesn't bother me, and that feeds a loop, because I feel that sense of freedom that sex doesn't control me and I'm happy no matter what the world outside is doing. And being free from attachment to sex has the added benefit of making me available to more and much better sex. (In other words, these opportunities for grounding are becoming less and less frequent ;-)

Last night we had AMAZING, animal sex and then this morning she was distracted by the baby, so I just stopped in the middle so she could do what she needed to do. I did it without even thinking, it was just going with what was true for me – I didn't want to have sex if she couldn't be present with me. And the takeaway was just this good, solid feeling of living my truth.

I'm bringing this grounding into my behavior around women. I realize I've been feeling a lot of attachment and neediness around women which has come out in fear, tension and aversion. So now I just accept my attraction, acknowledge where I'm at and refocus on grounding. Breathe into my balls. Speak from my tailbone. Ground in my truth and my personal happiness. So I can gaze at a woman without feeling the tension or urge to look away when she meets my gaze. I can ride with the energy surge, get back to my breath and just see what's on the other side. Over time, I'm feeling more present and aware of her, and less self-conscious or worried about what she's thinking. I'm committed to my own truth and accept wherever she's at and it's fine. As long as I'm true to myself, it feels great.

It's such a great feeling because there's no sense of fleetingness. It's just me.

So what's happening? Again, the universe provides. Women are coming into my world without me doing anything. I get calls out of the blue from women wanting to take me to lunch. I get connections without even looking for them, those "lightning bolt" kind of connections Cory Skyy talks about that he gets all the time, also known as "eye game." Like this one woman I saw coming out of the supermarket – we were passing each other, having this great connection and after we passed, she let out this huge sigh, a combination of a "that was cool" and "aww, it's over." I could have followed up on that, stopped her and said something about it, but I was in a hurry and I can't recall ever having a woman I just met sigh over me just looking into her eyes like that, so I liked the idea of leaving it there and feeling like a heartthrob for a moment.

I get women approaching me now at the beach (that's NEVER happened) and starting conversations with me at the bar. Usually it goes where she'll offer her name first. I'm not "holding back," I'm being where I'm at and enjoying connecting with these women, but I feel no need to "reach." There's this awesome sense of peace where I can sit there and enjoy the hell out of being with this woman and not need a damn thing.

Like last night, this girl starts a conversation with me, we have this great interaction and it's left as "I hope I see you around again." I used to reach for the phone number, and she probably wanted me to ask for it, but I liked leaving it like that, just this happy, open "let the universe decide" parting.

This is happening in a lot of areas of my life. I can see the man I really want to be and it's this authentic, happy guy who, no matter what happens, is just incurably happy with life and whatever's going on. I like it because old, negative me would be pissed at someone like that. If every time negative me would try to tear me down, I just kept on being really happy, that would drive negative me insane. If I'm so fucking grounded and genuinely happy that nobody and nothing can get to me, and I can live my truth no matter what, what an awesome life! I'm seeing more and more glimpses of this (although I still fall into negative patterns) and it's inspiring.

I can't wait to see what comes into my life the more and more I get right with myself. So far, it's pretty impressive.

Reframing the Shit Out of Myself

2009-07-31T17:24:00.001-07:00

It's a snowball effect. Today I started with this big realization that I saw myself as "selfish." I could actually trace this back to my formative years and it's been an identity of mine all this time. So I went through this whole reframe on it, since I didn't have anything going on at work this morning, and really attacked this. Things came up like how I felt I was annoying and had to be quiet and inoffensive to be loved, all this stuff that stemmed from this false identity. And it shifted. It was a big shift.

Then to add to it, I went through that AMP "Integrator" program, went through the self-evaluation test on sexuality, found all these limiting beliefs and started reframing them one by one. Now my mind's fried. I'm not sure if I overdid it or if I've hit that point where my mind is too tired to resist and the new beliefs will "stick" more easily. I feel like my psyche's been put through the blender, it's kind of cool.

This one on selfishness was big. I have been living with this, thinking I needed to do all these nice things for other people before I could feel free to enjoy myself.

Another thing that was enlightening, although kind of sad, was how I've been seeing sex as a lot of work, that it's mostly about my pleasing the women before, during and after sex in order to justify my enjoyment. I went through it and was really surprised at how unhappy I've been overall. But it's cool, because I'm seeing it and being honest about it. There's a whole lot of room to feel a lot better about myself, to live a better and more authentic life and to just be a whole lot happier.

It seems things keep pointing back to my unfulfilled desire to "accept myself for who I am" and "live my life as I want without the judgment." I've been really taking on this "needing approval and permission" thing and thinking the worst about myself. I wonder why??

Seeing the Approval-Seeking

2009-07-30T17:09:00.001-07:00

Through this current relationship, I've accumulated a ton of debt. Today I went through my cash flow and my "how-I-got-here" analysis of my debt, and I can see the impact this relationship has had on my finances. Between my child support for my older son and expenses for the little guy, there isn't much left for discretionary spending. I don't spend much on myself and I don't have expensive tastes, but still it's tight.

And I noticed that on that "amount left over" line, I had "Left over for dinners, travel, gifts, etc." and on the other side of the number I had "additional pay to go to debt reduction." Now, I'm committed to getting rid of that debt, so this is a priority for me, but I took a step back, looked at this and thought "bullshit!" My wife makes more money than me, and has fewer expenditures, why the fuck should I feel obligated to spend MY meager leftover money on dinners and trips for her? I shouldn't feel bad at all spending that little bit on me – it's MY FUCKING MONEY!!

So I changed that line to read "Amount left over for MYSELF." Damn straight.

Then I thought about other things. I pulled the coffee machine out of the garage and bought some ground coffee, thinking "that's my contribution to the household coffee usage." Then I thought BULLSHIT AGAIN! Look, we both drink coffee. Sure I drink more than she does, so let's say 2/3 vs 1/3. Still, just because I'm no longer going to buy coffee at the coffee shop, and buy her stupid newspaper I don't even want, doesn't mean I should be providing all the coffee at home – she can contribute.

Oh, and by the way, that little mini beer dispenser she bought me – if she's going to drink half the beer, then she can step up and contribute on the replacement kegs, too.

And the last one – I was getting set to buy a Britta filter because I can't afford to buy her stupid Dasani water anymore. But wait a minute. I drink from the tap, my older son uses tap water, even the baby drinks tap water. The only person who doesn't is HER. Why do I need to contribute a God damn thing, unless I think I'll use the filtered water? I checked in and decided I would, so I'll still buy it – for me - and fuck that obligation mentality.

Then what I'd do is swing the other way and blame her for taking all the freebies, which is also bullshit. I need to get a LOT more real with myself and what's true for me. This was a real eye-opener. I see that I'd been doing all these things "for her," at great cost to me, and then getting angry when she wasn't appreciative. I actually get more of what I really want from her and for myself when I focus my resources and thinking entirely on myself and don't do ANYTHING for her. It's getting better, but it's scary how much of my power I've given away. At least I'm seeing it now, THAT'S progress.