Stream of Consciousness, Going Through A Shift

I feel a vertigo, a thickness and heaviness in my head as I feel myself shifting away from this ego world. Everything is changing in me as I embrace the reality.

I shift between worrying about my job, wanting to contribute more, worrying that I'm going to fail like before, to feeling that none of this is real – whether I'm doing my job, or walk away, or sit here writing one of my books, it's all the same. For the first time I can remember, I feel the shift between feeling powerless in my career and the reality of choice, and knowing I can never go back to that "comfort zone" of feeling powerless in my work.

I shift between the social matrix and an energetic way of living that feels so foreign to me I don't even have a reference point. But I know that energetic model is real, even if I am not yet able to fully absorb it. All of the old ways of being – how I've been relating, my motivation for connecting, how I connect, down to my very emotions, seem to be coming apart at a molecular level. Everything in my world is disintegrating completely and there is some "real" model emerging.

It's this realignment of connection and of detachment. Like all the ways I've been connecting my identity to people or things are breaking away and new connections are forming. I've felt myself breaking away from my wife, from my long-distance girlfriend, from women, from my job, from my identity, from every attachment. And I feel new pathways of connection, energetic pathways apart from the old ways.

Even my relationship with myself and my past is shifting.

Part of me wants to leave everything behind, and part of me wants to leave even that desire behind. I'm feeling these moments of acceptance that remind me of when I was under sedation, except I'm wide awake. And I shift between this and the old way, but I seem to be moving further and further from the old way. I feel this total freedom and peace. I feel like I could let go of everything.

Do I even want to blog?

What will it be like tomorrow when I've gone even further into this? And Sunday? Will I even recognize myself? Will I care?

It's too much trouble to think about the past or the future.

It's a big release. Part of me wants to fall asleep at my desk.

I have zero interest in communicating at all with that long-distance person. It seems like such a boring waste of time now. So does worrying about all the issues with my wife. The girl who was leaning into me on the train yesterday felt really good. That felt real. And I see that energy all around me, I feel it. And when I'm here, all that anxiety seems boring and pointless. Fantasizing seems like too much work. Worrying seems pointless.