Ode To the Crap My Wife Won’t Throw Away

Pieces of paper, things you refuse

To ever dispose, or file, or use

They sit on a table for you to ignore

Bank receipts, love notes, junk mail and more

Magazines, gas bills, receipts from the mall

Piled up on the table until they start to fall

On the floor. And then do you decide

To take care of it? No, instead you hide

The stuff in grocery bags or dump in a drawer.

And don't bother asking what you keep the stuff for

You couldn't reply because you haven't a clue

If the stuff in these piles are worth something to you

You never look through them, just pile up more

Till you fill up your desk, and every drawer.

And then, at that point, when all spaces are filled

With nothing but crap, at that point will

You finally go through all of this junk,

Take what's important, throw out the bunk?

Of course not. That's when you go to the store

And buy up big bins so that you can store

Your crap in the garage, never to be touched

By the eyes of man, until there is too much

Of the boxes around, these boxes of whatever

Letters, cards, bills, mail – stuff that will never

Be preserved, or treasured or even gazed upon,

Much less sent to the landfill where they belong

Or burned in a bonfire that leaps up to the sky

Now that's a vision enough to make me cry

Tears of joy, thinking of watching this shit

Being sent straight to hell, but knowing that it

Has about as much chance of taking place in this life

As your lame ex boyfriends have of getting a supermodel wife.

...you saved their pictures, cards and letters, too,

There scattered amongst those giant piles of poo

That I'm straining my back to move to their next place

Which, tragically, happens to be my storage space!

Yah, that's right, fuck me, fuck me like a slut,

Turn those boxes sideways and shove them up my butt.

Because if I get sick of the packrat shit, and really had enough

And, God forbid, I throw stuff out – now I'm violating your stuff!

 

So I am now the owner of your steaming piles of poo,

Because I decided to say "I do,"

So fuck me, fuck me, up the ass, until I split in two.

 

So here I am, stuck in this craptacular life

Living and breathing amongst piles of shit, thanks to my stupid wife

And things will crap along like this for maybe years or more

But there will come a time when I can't take it anymore

And at that time, on my way out, I'll have these words to say:

"If you want to keep a man, then next time, THROW YOUR SHIT AWAY!!"