Reframing the Shit Out of Myself

It's a snowball effect. Today I started with this big realization that I saw myself as "selfish." I could actually trace this back to my formative years and it's been an identity of mine all this time. So I went through this whole reframe on it, since I didn't have anything going on at work this morning, and really attacked this. Things came up like how I felt I was annoying and had to be quiet and inoffensive to be loved, all this stuff that stemmed from this false identity. And it shifted. It was a big shift.

Then to add to it, I went through that AMP "Integrator" program, went through the self-evaluation test on sexuality, found all these limiting beliefs and started reframing them one by one. Now my mind's fried. I'm not sure if I overdid it or if I've hit that point where my mind is too tired to resist and the new beliefs will "stick" more easily. I feel like my psyche's been put through the blender, it's kind of cool.

This one on selfishness was big. I have been living with this, thinking I needed to do all these nice things for other people before I could feel free to enjoy myself.

Another thing that was enlightening, although kind of sad, was how I've been seeing sex as a lot of work, that it's mostly about my pleasing the women before, during and after sex in order to justify my enjoyment. I went through it and was really surprised at how unhappy I've been overall. But it's cool, because I'm seeing it and being honest about it. There's a whole lot of room to feel a lot better about myself, to live a better and more authentic life and to just be a whole lot happier.

It seems things keep pointing back to my unfulfilled desire to "accept myself for who I am" and "live my life as I want without the judgment." I've been really taking on this "needing approval and permission" thing and thinking the worst about myself. I wonder why??

Seeing the Approval-Seeking

Through this current relationship, I've accumulated a ton of debt. Today I went through my cash flow and my "how-I-got-here" analysis of my debt, and I can see the impact this relationship has had on my finances. Between my child support for my older son and expenses for the little guy, there isn't much left for discretionary spending. I don't spend much on myself and I don't have expensive tastes, but still it's tight.

And I noticed that on that "amount left over" line, I had "Left over for dinners, travel, gifts, etc." and on the other side of the number I had "additional pay to go to debt reduction." Now, I'm committed to getting rid of that debt, so this is a priority for me, but I took a step back, looked at this and thought "bullshit!" My wife makes more money than me, and has fewer expenditures, why the fuck should I feel obligated to spend MY meager leftover money on dinners and trips for her? I shouldn't feel bad at all spending that little bit on me – it's MY FUCKING MONEY!!

So I changed that line to read "Amount left over for MYSELF." Damn straight.

Then I thought about other things. I pulled the coffee machine out of the garage and bought some ground coffee, thinking "that's my contribution to the household coffee usage." Then I thought BULLSHIT AGAIN! Look, we both drink coffee. Sure I drink more than she does, so let's say 2/3 vs 1/3. Still, just because I'm no longer going to buy coffee at the coffee shop, and buy her stupid newspaper I don't even want, doesn't mean I should be providing all the coffee at home – she can contribute.

Oh, and by the way, that little mini beer dispenser she bought me – if she's going to drink half the beer, then she can step up and contribute on the replacement kegs, too.

And the last one – I was getting set to buy a Britta filter because I can't afford to buy her stupid Dasani water anymore. But wait a minute. I drink from the tap, my older son uses tap water, even the baby drinks tap water. The only person who doesn't is HER. Why do I need to contribute a God damn thing, unless I think I'll use the filtered water? I checked in and decided I would, so I'll still buy it – for me - and fuck that obligation mentality.

Then what I'd do is swing the other way and blame her for taking all the freebies, which is also bullshit. I need to get a LOT more real with myself and what's true for me. This was a real eye-opener. I see that I'd been doing all these things "for her," at great cost to me, and then getting angry when she wasn't appreciative. I actually get more of what I really want from her and for myself when I focus my resources and thinking entirely on myself and don't do ANYTHING for her. It's getting better, but it's scary how much of my power I've given away. At least I'm seeing it now, THAT'S progress.

Coming to Terms with My Past

I was listening to one of the AMP DVDs in the Sexual Power set and there was some story about how the guy took himself on a date and went to "Twin Peaks," which is where high school kids go to make out. That part brought out a charge, and I sat with it. It was that "I-missed-out-on-all –the-fun-stuff-in-high-school" self-pity feeling I've been playing most of my life now.

But I stuck with it and I asked myself "do I want to let this go? Would I really want to be free of this feeling and just let it all go?" And the answer was "No." I knew that was the answer all along, but this was really the first time I accepted this reality. I was getting a payoff for being attached to this "pain" and to this identity of "the guy who was a loser in high school," or "the guy who used to be shy and dateless and had to overcome this," like it was some fucking handicap. Hey, you're in a wheelchair, but look at me, I didn't get laid in high school! Impressive, huh?

So I actually sat down and went through my resistance to just letting this go, to really not allowing this to be a part of my present identity, to not allow it to have any relevance to my present situation. Even more, I thought about really accepting who I was and what happened as "it was what it was. It's no big deal now and, despite this myth I've built around it, was no big fucking deal then, either." So I had to work through this and really confront some long-standing beliefs and issues.

And I realized I was using this false identity, which I knew was bullshit, as a security blanket and a way to avoid taking responsibility for my life now. I convinced myself that accepting reality and being authentic would mean a lot of work and it was easier to think I had this condition known as "I was a loser in high school" that I had to overcome. It gave me a false sense of purpose (something to fight against), it gave me a false identity (so I didn't have to actually be authentic), and it gave me this cool excuse when things didn't turn out the way I wanted.

After I worked thorough my resistance, I went back to "young me" and filled him with the sense of wholeness he didn't think he had, but which he really had all along. Then I carried that sense of wholeness through the timeline to now and brought all that transformed experience into now. Then I cut the timeline.

Finally, I imagined that past me was sitting in a room with a large window and a door which was open. I stood in the doorway and felt the past as if it were happening now. Then I closed the door and pictured myself looking at my past as a scientist evaluating a subject and felt the charge disappear.

And even though I let it go and feel a strong shift, I'm sure I'll have to go through this process a few more times, but that's fine. The more I see that life outside of this attachment is much better and more authentic than where I was, the less I'll want to be where I was and eventually I really will just let it go forever. But for the moment, I can feel the separation from that identity and the old charge I used to feel around this. I do have a little "fish out of water" feeling, but it also feels more real.

A Life-Changing Shift!

Friday was the day that changed my whole life. I realized how I'd been seeing a big part of my life and it shifted into something new and awesome.

I'd been looking at myself and my relation to women all wrong. I'd been struggling against this occasional premature ejaculation and with an identity that I wasn't good enough to have the women I really wanted, an identity which hid itself through jealousy, anger and other forms of resistance. I decided Thursday night that I was going to stop fighting these things and embrace them instead, looking at them head-on.

So Friday I first went through my "jealousy" mindset and found the identity I'd been holding onto that was the real source – "I can't have the women I really want." This was actually a two-part thing, one that I didn't have permission to get the women I really wanted, I had to have permission and approval first, and that I couldn't get the women I really wanted because I wasn't good enough. As I worked through these using the exercise I went through at length a few posts ago, some "a-has" started popping up.

I could see I was instinctively placing a ridiculous amount of importance on women. I was looking to women to give me self-approval, to feel good about myself, to free me from having to answer to Mom and Dad, to give me freedom to live the life I want to live and to find happiness and peace. And a voice came up asking "How can any woman do THAT?"

And in that moment I had one of those feelings like someone just flushed the toilet in my mind and all the shit went out. I just let it go, because I could see the crap I was swimming in and I could see it for the crap it was. Then, poof, it was gone, just like that, instantly. I couldn't access it, because it was no longer real for me. It never was real.

I realized I had all those things I was looking to women for. It was like I turned around and, hey look, here's that pot of gold all along – woohoo! I realized women were not existentially important in the way I was perceiving them. Having women like me, not having them like me, being in a relationship, not being in a relationship, doesn't matter in the big picture. There's no "hole" in me they fill, and they couldn't possibly fill it anyhow! So this is why I kept holding onto these relationships, why I would PANIC at the thought of being alone, why I kept looking to other women, or multiple women, for satisfaction.

Now I could enjoy women for the wonderful things they truly can bring to me, and not the heavy things they can't. At once, the thought of women became far more pleasurable and interesting, and FAR less "important." The thought of meeting women was fun, not a scary obligation. On the one hand, I felt like I wanted to be around women more, because they're so damn fun and interesting, and on the other, it wasn't a big deal whether I was with women or if anything happened.

So I internalized two new beliefs: "I deserve every woman I desire," and "I will have any woman I want," and there wasn't the huge "charge" around them. Then I tackled a big identity issue with this: "I love the part of me that causes me to come before I'm ready." I worked through it until I could fully accept it and it felt like I was reunited with an old friend. I felt more whole in my sexuality, that I could embrace and love everything about me and be happy. And I had to really work through that whole "if I love this, it'll happen all the time" worry. I've been able to see that "what you resist persists" is a truth, so I could stand up to that fear.

Then I went out Friday afternoon, armed with this big new shift and… kind of fell on my ass. Two beers pretty much did me in. I met some cool guys and had fun at happy hour, but couldn't connect with women for shit. Then I went to Target and kind of fumbled around. I could blame this on the beer, but I think my brain was just fried. I ate some Del Taco and wrote out affirmations in the park and probably creeped out a cute female jogger. But the whole experience was fun, I felt weird, but was having a good time.

I watched my older son's Vacation Bible School play, where he had a big part and did well. He was happy to see me, and it was a joy.

I came home and had animal sex with the Mrs., despite my being sleepy from the beer. Then woke up and had even more wild sex – she rode me, which she hasn't wanted to do in over a YEAR! It was g-o-o-d! Wild, loud, animal sex.

And it was on this day - Saturday, after my mind had a chance to process into my subconscious, that things became awesome. I just related to women differently. My gaze was open and flirty. I was just talking and being natural. I went to my older son's birthday party and was chatting with the MILFs like no big deal. They were finding me, just to talk to me about whatever. I was eye gaming a woman a few seats away from me in the movie theater, flirting with the employees, eye gaming women around the mall, it was awesome.

And the best part? I didn't care. It was fun, but it was inconsequential. I was enjoying my son's birthday party and that was it. I was in the moment, not thinking about a thing.

Later I took the wife and baby to the beach and hung out with the baby while my wife subathed, enjoying time with him and just enjoying my desire for the attractive women around me like it was no big deal. It was a blast! There was no self-consciousness, just enjoying the moment. So, just like the eye game is supposed to work, a hot MILF appears with her two kids and starts a conversation with me (I was a ways off from the wife, but pretty much minding my own business), even making sure to tell me her name (and that she goes to that beach a lot) before she had to leave.

I can't even begin to describe the difference – I felt so fucking HAPPY! It wouldn't have mattered if there wasn't a single attractive girl on the beach, I was enjoying myself, enjoying my little boy and enjoying my time on the beach. And I was loving the connection with women, but it felt like another fun thing to do, instead of this big important thing.

That night, fucked the wife's BRAINS out. I seriously don't know where the energy came from, I thought I was too tired from being in the sun all afternoon, but she kept seducing me until I got a second wind, and DAMN! Thought we were going to break the bed.

So this was how the whole weekend went – me just loving life, doing the same things I usually do but just feeling so incredibly GOOD about myself, just loving the easy connecting with women like it's another thing to do and having wild, MIND BLOWING sex with a wife who apparently discovered her inner animal overnight. And I accessed a part of my own sexuality I didn't know I had, I mean… DAMN! I feel like a whole new man.

And if I had to boil down "what happened" it was that I fully embraced the things about myself I was resisting and fully reframed some big identity misconceptions I'd been holding onto for years. Amazing!

Okay, now I'm off to go enjoy hanging out with one of my sexy new coworkers… I LOVE my life!!

Learning to “Be a Yes” to my “Problems”

One lesson stuck out from the AMP DVD set – "What you resist persists."

And this agrees with the release work I've done in the past that calls for welcoming and thanking the "problem" until you simply accept it and then it will just go away on its own.

As I'm going through my day, I'm much more aware of now of what I'm feeling in my body and where I'm feeling resistance. Instead of running away from these things, I'm training myself to be with them. Often there's something more underneath whatever resistance is there. So I'm going back and actually welcoming and loving the things about me that had been bothering me, either habits, thoughts or feelings. As I think about being a yes to this part of me, I feel the resistance coming up and go through the process I've outlined below, reframing each and every one of my areas of resistance, and then loving and accepting that "negative thing" without resistance.

And when I do this, things that are behind this bad habit or thought will arise. I've found that these negative things are masks covering up something I don't want to deal with.

Like for instance, my indulging in feelings of anger toward my wife's ex is a way for me to avoid really feeling what it is about her ex that troubles me. So I drill down – I feel threatened, I feel ashamed, I feel envy, and there's a charge. The envy is because this guy who is so not close to my league had a younger, more attractive version of the woman I married. Drilling down further I can see what threatens me is this thought makes me realize I've been operating under a belief that I can't have the young, attractive, successful women I really want, that I'm not good enough. Picturing the ex challenges this negative belief, so my subconscious fights back with anger and weird shit.

Attacking the limiting belief, reframing and shifting my identity transforms the entire association. When I adopt beliefs that "I deserve to have any woman I want," and "I always get the women I want," it changes everything. There's a tangible identity shift and a feeling that things will never be the same, that something very substantial just happened.

When I accept parts of me that I've been disliking, loving my bad habit, for instance, then there's no resistance, there's no charge around it. If, for instance, I love that part of me that causes me to sometimes come before I'm ready, then it changes the whole perspective.

 

Reframing of Limiting Beliefs for Affirmations

I've started doing this for about a week and the results have been awesome. This is a way to super-charge my affirmations and "feel" them in my body.

Step one: Go through affirmations and find ones with a "charge"

So I'll go through a list of affirmations in my mind until I get to one that generates resistance. This will be my one to work on. I'm going by what I feel in my body – tightness, discomfort, lack of presence, there should be some physical sensation.

Step two: Say the affirmation out loud and welcome the resistance. Ask "what is it you want from me?"

Welcoming the feeling is critical. There is a good intention behind this resistance. Ask these questions out loud and be completely non-rational. It may not make sense because it's subconscious, so welcome this and avoid judgment as much as possible.

Step three: acknowledge the good intention and ask "if I had this (good intention), what would that provide for me that would be even more significant?

So if the original feeling was fear of offending women, and the feeling wants you to be respected, the next step is to ask "If I were being respected, what would that provide for me that would be even more significant?" You'll get an answer, and you keep welcoming the answers and repeating the question until you get to a "base feeling," a point where there's nothing more significant beyond it. You'll feel a solid sense that "this is it."

Keep a list of all the answers in between. You'll need this for the next step.

Step four: one by one, go up the list of answers from the bottom. Bring the base feeling into each of those answers and notice how it transforms and enriches that answer.

Do this all the way until you get to the original concern and notice how bringing the base feeling into it completely transforms the original concern. You've now aligned your concern with your greater purpose, which gives your subconscious the power to release its objection.

Step five: ask the original objection "Has your objection to this process been addressed?"

Step six: Thank part for being so willing to support you.

Step seven: ask yourself "are there any other objections to my adopting (belief) as my personal truth?

You'll get other objections. Take each objection and go back through steps two through six, then say step seven again until there are no objections. You'll feel a shift, perhaps a sense of excitement at adopting this belief, lightness, a totally different perspective. Be sure there isn't the slightest objection, no matter how apparently silly or illogical.

Step eight: visualize the belief, however it works best for you. I imagine it's a ball in front of me, I give it a color.

Step nine: say to yourself "I am now going to take (belief) and make it a part of myself"

Step ten: Take a deep breath deep into your belly. Take the embodiment of the belief and place it in that part of your body that was previously resisting the belief. Exhale slowly.

Step eleven: Inhale deeply. Feel the belief taking hold and moving through your body. Notice all sensations in your body as you feel the belief moving through your system.

Step twelve: say to yourself "If there are no further objections, this change will now be permanent."

Step thirteen: as you go through your day, try not to consciously think about "making the belief happen," but be open to where your body is telling you to do things differently and follow those sensations contentiously. Don't try to make things happen and don't try to keep anything from happening. Just because you changed a belief doesn't mean you'll suddenly act differently. Habits and circumstances still exist, so avoid getting into the "I didn't do what I expected after adopting this belief, so this must not work," give yourself time and space to grow into the new belief and don't force it or fight it.

Step fourteen: add the belief to your list of seven affirmations. Write it out fifteen times a day for a week.

I've started doing this for a week and I've had impressive results. I notice myself naturally changing my mindset on things and even stopping myself in the middle of doing things the old way. I'd find myself asking questions about certain things I do and having new urges to do different things. Be open to the completely unexpected. I've done this reframe around "I am being the love and desire I had been seeking from the world," "I talk to beautiful women like I'm talking to a good friend," and "Whenever I talk to a girl, I know she wants me." I find myself automatically flowing toward certain new behaviors and the challenge has been to allow this flow to happen without stopping myself with "wait, this is different." I also find myself naturally connecting in a much more profound way.

My Daily Exercises

I'm focusing on being in my body, grounding, presence and releasing limiting beliefs.

I do the following exercises daily to open up access to my body and for general health:

Chi Packing – a very cool exercise from AMP that opens up access to the body

Follow with 3 minutes of deep breathing body awareness meditation

Tennis ball exercise – from Code of the Natural (www.codeofthenatural.com)

Walking Matrix – Code of the Natural

Thoracic Matrix – Code of the Natural

Hamstring Matrix – Code of the Natural (I'm very tight in my legs, especially my hamstring.)

Hips Massage – from AMP interview with The Erotic Rockstar

Squat exercise – from AMP interview with The Erotic Rockstar

Eye exercise – Code of the Natural

Jaw/ TMJ – Code of the Natural

Facial exercise – Code of the Natural blog (it's a freebie)

 

This seems like a lot, but actually the whole thing takes about 15 minutes, and I'm fully in my body, aware of tension, aware of breathing and feeling present and alive.

 

My daily workout is the 15-minute hell (www.15minutehell.com)

On top of this, twice a week I'll do the following, broken up into two sets (so four days a week of additional work):

 

Scapular Matrix

Feet Matrix

Squat-Press Matrix

Abs Matrix

Lunge Matrix

Pushup Matrix

 

These add an additional ten minutes to my workout and serve to strengthen unused muscle groups and open up my posture.

 

If I have time, I'll do a chest/ shoulders/ arms weight set and a legs/ lower back weight set.

 

When I was off work, I was doing the full stretching, then going to the gym, knocking out the 15-minute hell, doing one of the matrix sets and a weight routine.  Needless to say, I got in pretty awesome shape.  My body fat is extremely low and I have a lot more access to my body now, especially since I started focusing more on my body through the AMP DVD course.

 

Additionally, I focus on belly breathing and microcosmic orbits throughout the day.  This is where I focus on my breath, breathing deep into my abdomen (breathing into my balls).  I place the tip of my tongue on the roof of my mouth, right behind my front teeth, which completes the energy circuit.  I imagine with every exhale that energy is flowing from my third eye (right between my eyes), down my front, through my heart, through my solar plexus and into my cock and balls.  Every exhale, I imagine the energy flowing from my cock up my spine to the top of my head.  As I'm circulating my sexual energy, I bring awareness to where there's restriction or tightness, or where the energy feels weak or going off track.

 

For self work I do the following every day:

 

Either written or in my head (preferably written), I go through a known limiting belief, feeling it in my body, questioning it and drilling down into the essence.  I then work on releasing what's behind the limiting belief and going as far as I can until I feel a shift, or if I can't get to a shift, I find a natural stopping point.  (See previous post for an example of one of these.)

 

Also either written or in my head I'll visualize what I want in whatever aspect of life that's important to me at the moment.  I find I can't actually create mental images very well, so I use an auditory visualization (aka "a narrative") which is just as effective.  Most men are very visual, but the purpose is to create a feeling of living the dream, so whatever method works.  I am especially searching for those places where the "I can't have this" feeling comes up, where there's tightness and resistance.

 

Based on the places of resistance, I do written affirmations (so visualization and written go together), 7 affirmations 15 times each.

 

During the day, I'll also do my gratitude/ confirmation affirmations and focus on being present to the good feelings coming from this.  I focus on accessing my heart on the gratitude and my solar plexus on the confirmation.

 

I do a cool meditation exercise throughout the day to cultivate presence:  http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Cultivating_Presence_Meditation_Technique.html

Most importantly I do mirror affirmations – 20 minutes a day.  I focus on being present with myself, really feeling what's going on in my body and experiencing my affirmations as deeply as possible.  I don't prescript these affirmations, and I'm beginning to think what I affirm is not nearly as important as the process of feeling it at a deep physical level and experiencing presence in my eyes.  I really enjoy this exercise and consider it invaluable.  During my job search, I used it to see myself as a successful man, to expand out of survival mode into success mode.  Even during this recession, the universe found me a better job than the one I was laid off from, so this stuff works.

 

Throughout the day I focus on being in my body and really experiencing the moment.  I work on feeling and enjoying the feeling of attraction for a woman, and really being with it and owning it.

 

It's been amazing how much more light, loose and grounded I feel since I started this process.  My self confidence is much more solid, I'm more connected to my sexuality, I'm more attractive and far more positive about myself and everything around me.  This doesn't feel like work, it's fun.

 

Digging Down: Today's Self-Talk

This one was on "I can't be a filrt."

 

I notice that guy's a total flirt.  I can't do that.  Why can't I do that?  I'm shy and not smooth.  When I think about being open and flirty with women, what's the feeling in my body?  Tension – in my chest and shoulders.  What is behind that tension?  What am I resisting or holding back?  I'm protecting myself from looking bad and screwing up.  Also, being flirty feels fake to me.

What do I really want?  What's true for me?  I like the idea of being open, flirty, having fun with women.  What's holding me back?  The tension, the part of me holding back.

What if, just as an experiment, I allowed myself to feel that feeling of looking bad and screwing up.  Imagine a time I was flirty and felt that way.  What does it feel like?  It feels like I did something wrong – shame.  Where does that come up in my body?  The pit of my stomach – feels heavy, also in my throat.  I want to hide.

Be with the shame for a moment, the being ashamed of getting disapproval, of being wrong, of exposing my interest and getting shot down or ridiculed.  What is behind this? A belief that I shouldn't do things that are against the rules, that I should get permission first.  So the shame is from breaking the rules, so now I'm a bad boy.

Now check in and ask what it is I really want.  I want to be free from following rules or getting permission.  I want to write myself a blank check, go for it and not feel bad when I screw up.

Now imagine that there are no rules when it comes to women, that it's just a big canvas and I can pain whatever I want, or not even use paint, or the canvas.  Imagine this is my world, I'm king of everything and I just wrote myself a royal decree saying I have permission from the king of the world to do whatever the fuck I want.  How does that feel?  It feels open, light.  I can feel a release.

Now go back to that shame from wanting approval.  Can I let this go? Yes.  Can I let go of wanting permission?  Yes.  Can I let go of wanting to follow rules?  Yes.

Can I accept what I want, to live without rules, to live like the king of my own world?  Yes.  Can I let go of wanting to be restricted?  Yes.  Can I let go of wanting to be ashamed?  Yes.

How do I feel now, thinking about flirting with women, thinking about saying things women might not like, thinking about being a completely different personality?  Still tense around the heart.  I might be doing it wrong and screwing up my chances.

What if I lived in a world where it wasn't possible to have a right or wrong way of doing things?  What if I knew I could make a total ass out of myself all the time and still have an amazing love life?  That there's no way I could ever screw up my chances?  How does that feel?  It feels much lighter.

What if I lived in a world where nothing anybody else thought of me was any of my business whatsoever, that whatever I did was entirely up to what's true for me and I'd always love and accept myself completely no matter what?  I felt a shift, things moved around in front of me.

So imagine a world with no rules when it comes to women.  Imagine a world where I have exclusive permission to ignore every rule with impunity.  In this world, there is no right or wrong and I'm free to be as big of an ass as I want and still have an awesome sex life.  In this world, nothing anybody thinks of me is my business and what people think can't have any effect on me.  As long as I'm true to myself, I can't possibly screw up no matter what I do.  Imagine in this world I'm completely surrounded by unconditional love that never ends.

What if I told you that ideal world is actually REALITY?  That the "real world" is actually an invention and this "fantasy world" is the real deal?  Because it is.

How do you feel now?

…fuck, man.

Are you ready to accept this reality, to really open your eyes and accept the truth?  Letting go of the BS won't kill you, it'll make you happy.  And it's that easy.  Are you ready to accept this reality? Yes.

Can you let go of wanting certainty?  Yes.

Can you let go of wanting rules?  Yes.

Can you let go of wanting to be right?  Yes.

Can you let go of wanting to be judged?  Yes.

Can you allow yourself to accept what you really want and be true to yourself?  Yes.

*Huge fucking cathartic shift*

Two Month Transformation (Long)

The past two months have been interesting – a lot of challenges and a lot of growth.  I've been alluding to my circumstances, but not directly telling my story.

May started with an amazingly crappy week.  I took a day off work to take my baby son to the doctor, spent hours there dealing with tests and everything (he's okay).  On the way home I got a speeding ticket.  The next day my ex wife threatened me with a lawsuit because I questioned her psycho parenting.  My older son still does not spend weekends with me and hasn't since January. 

Then that Thursday I was laid off from my job.  Despite the economy and my liking my employer, I was actually glad for this.  I welcomed my change in circumstances, the opportunity to relax and improve myself, the opportunity to find a better job with less commute, the opportunity to handle a challenge thrown at me.

And my being a yes to my unemployment really bothered my wife.  I posted some things on my Facebook about how I was enjoying my unemployment and she got upset.  This isn't the first time she's complained about things on my Facebook page, and I don't appreciate what I see as controlling behavior.  And that's exactly what I told her, that I thought she was being unreasonably controlling, that there's nothing wrong with my Facebook postings, that I was working hard in my job search, that my unemployment wasn't costing her a dime and that her intrusion into my life was uncalled for.

Immediately after my unemployment my wife, our baby and I took a cross-country RV trip to Kansas to visit her family and bury her father's ashes.  It was an enlightening and liberating trip.  I experienced the amazing beauty of Grand Canyon, saw some cool things in Colorado and Utah, met some wonderful people in Kansas and helped my wife find her dad's old family farm through a random exploration of a town in western Kansas.  These were awesome experiences.  This was also my last "obligation vacation," which meant I was free.

I returned home needing some space from my wife and not really getting the space I needed.  But I did get the space and time to work on myself and really make some changes.  I finished the Sedona Method and applied the exercises to break some old stumbling blocks.  I got a good chunk through "The Power of Now" and felt moments of presence.  I worked through the AMP "Sexual Power" DVD set and discovered this incredible connection to my body and my sexuality, as well as a feeling of confidence and groundedness.

I thought I wanted space from my wife.  Instead we were having the best sex of our relationship and for the first time I really felt present in lovemaking.  We were being more adventurous and there was this incredible energy, which I attribute to my getting rid of the BS and getting right with my sexuality. 

At the same time, I was more assertive about my wants and needs.  I called her out for her bossy behavior.  I asserted what I wanted with vacations and separated myself from her expensive lifestyle.  I took time for me without worrying about her approval, or any needy issues.

I grew closer to my older son and spent more time with him.  I found more moments of presence with my baby boy.  I became more assertive as a father without being argumentative or overly emotional.

And I faced my fears about my job search.  I challenged myself to be bold and confident about my career, to commit myself to being successful, to kicking ass in my job, to believing in myself, to knowing I can do it.  I had great interviews and ended up taking a job offer that pays considerably better than my old job, cuts the commute by more than half and is a great fit.  Now I'm back to work.

I really grew during this unemployment, faced my fears, eliminated some stumbling blocks and came out a better man. I was a yes to my circumstances and embraced the opportunity.  This made all the difference.  I'm much more authentic, sexy and attractive now.  And I'm closer to my real path.  It's been an incredible couple months.

Strength in Vulnerability

I feel a sense of relief.  Tonight I finally confronted that part of me that just wants to go along and please people.  I told my wife I didn't want to go to Napa and Palm Springs.  She says she didn't set anything up at PS, but I could've sworn I heard her say something about it.  I could actually feel that emotion/ feeling trying to pull the words back into my throat.  But I stopped that part of me and owned up to my true feelings.

My wife was okay with it.  I opened up to her and told her how difficult it was for me to do that and this was kind of a new step for me.  I suppose opening up like that isn't in keeping with the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" formula, but fuck it, I want to be authentic, not create another BS persona, so I'll be open and direct, even if it means exposing myself and maybe not looking as good in people's eyes.

I had a cool breakthrough earlier today where I drilled down into my shyness and envy and found the source of my inability to give myself permission.  I felt that small, weak, vulnerable feeling, that feeling of being pitied.  I remember how I use to collapse into this feeling as a kid and how I'd do anything to avoid that awful feeling.

All this tightness, all this closed off feeling in my chest and heart, all this tension is me struggling every day to protect myself from this feeling, to run away from it, to avoid it.  And even when I felt it now, I wanted to run away, to make it never happen again. 

I talked my way through it and realized I'm not that little boy, that I can feel vulnerable like that and not collapse into tears or be the object of pity.  I can stand strong, own my vulnerability and actually make it a strength.  I can go through the fear and be present with this vulnerable feeling.  In fact, this is what I want. 

I felt my heart open up and I could see the mask in front of me.  Things haven't changed completely for me yet, but I know I'll now be questioning everything.  I can own this "weakness" and make it a strength, make it attractive, make it sexy.  I can be authentic with my "soft underbelly."  I don't have to withdraw to protect myself, I can choose how I want to be.

And this led me to assert myself.  It was a strange evening.  The woman who never stays up past seven and often is lying in bed doing nothing after the baby goes to bed suddenly has all this energy.  Lately she's been going to the gym, the tanning salon, going on this diet and acting very different, totally different energy and behavior.

Last week I acknowledged the recent disconnect and she said it was nothing.  Today I again expressed my confusion over her sudden change, with the same "what do you mean" response.  I asked her why she went to the El Segundo gym instead of the Redondo Beach one; I asked her about her sudden interest in socializing at the gym.  It felt good to speak my mind openly and confront her with my questions instead of just letting them fester in my mind like they usually do

I love for her to take better care of herself and do things she loves.  It was this weird, sudden, uncommunicated shift to something I'd never seen before.  That, coupled with her still trying to keep me on a short leash, had me feeling a certain unease.  There was even something odd and unnerving about her spontaneous whistling, which I'd never heard her do before.  I felt a real slippery, irritating, inauthentic feeling from her.

I wasn't being suspicious, but I kept acknowledging the shift that's occurred, and made her aware that I felt the difference.  The thing is, in my mind, I'm less jealous or suspicious than at any time in this relationship.  I'm actually coming from a place of calm acceptance.  But that doesn't mean I'm going to ignore that something's up.  And who knows?  Maybe this is a sign of trouble.  The thing is, I'm feeling myself letting go of needing to rehearse outcomes.  I'll be a yes to whatever is and whatever will be.  I'll also be a yes to myself and what I want, which means I can rest secure in knowing that I won't be misused.  I don't have to complain, just be true to what is and what I want, and know that the feeling of vulnerability is a strength.

Honestly, most of me doesn't care all that much if she were up to something.  In fact, I could see an upside, so long as I'm made aware of it before wasting too much more of my life on a charade.  The part of me that cares is coming from a place of pettiness and competition.  That part of me doesn't want her to get one over on me, or feel surpassed by another man.  It's the same part of me that's obsessed over her ex boyfriend to the point of insantiy.  I need to own that and release it, because that isn't the kind of energy I want to be bringing forth.

It's kind of like building a muscle, just keep doing the exercises.  Keep asserting myself from a place of groundedness.  Be in my body.  Be present to what is.  Be open with feeling vulnerable.  Over time, it'll get a little easier and feel more natural and the success will build on itself.  This is a good day, and a great step toward really being myself.

AMP "Authentic Sexual Power" Lessons Learned

I've had some big shifts from this.  One is this very cool feeling of accessing my body.  I've done some of the physical exercises and also a "Microcosmic Orbit" exercise and I feel so much more in my body.  Another shift happened when I was watching the interview with the "Erotic Rock Star," and I could feel his presence and the fluidity in his movement and especially in his eyes. 

It was this little thing, but a big shift.  I've been doing all these affirmations and really focusing on eye contact, and I could see by watching this DVD that I could bring that into my gaze, and back into my being, just feel more flow and be more a flow.  It's a great shift, it feels like it was the "missing piece" to really being present in my gaze.

I also gained this feeling of really feeling my desire for women and enjoying my desire.  It's brought a lot more energy and fun into things.

One more thing, and this just came up, is drilling down into what's motivating my emotions, particularly the anger that seems to come up without any reason.  Then the shift – being a yes to my feeling this.  So I'm feeling needy, there's neediness here.  Okay, great.  Be okay with neediness instead of fighting it.  Be with the "bad emotion" or "bad state" and let it be.  This is the key to releasing these feelings, being okay with them so there's no resistance.

The other piece I'm taking away is being a yes to the situation or the feeling and then checking in with what I really want.  The reason I'm having relationship troubles is first, not being a yes to the reality and my state and second, not being in touch with what I really want. 

Right now I want to go outside and play.  I'm feeling a sense of obligation to working through the AMP course and for getting ready for my vacation.  I often go toward obligation, or fear I'll lose approval, instead of going for what I really want.  Getting more present and actually observing my thoughts and feelings instead of living in my ego is helping me see this better.

Guilt Over Living My Life, Update

Saturday night the wife was asleep so I went out, just to walk around, be in the world and just get a sense of living my own life. I really enjoyed just being out and about, taking in the scene, taking in the natural beauty of the beach. It felt good. While I was out I noticed all these houses and apartments with people inside sitting there watching TV. Here we have this big beautiful world full of amazing things to see and do and all these people are sitting around being lame, right in the middle of it.

And I got angry because I realize that’s been me, too. I’ve been talking about putting myself into the moment, and frustrated that I’ve compromised myself into this lame existence, but I haven’t done anything to start giving myself that life I want and really living it the way I want to.

Lately I’ve been focusing on presence, on really being in the moment, owning myself and my emotions, and being who I am instead of letting my thoughts and emotions control me. This really works well with the Sedona Method, so I’m doing these together, letting go of things that are holding me back and really being in the moment.

I really had to convince myself to go out, and I felt guilty for doing it. I also felt this needy feeling, that I should have accomplished some sort of goal, like meeting new women, instead of just experiencing the evening and enjoying myself.

And it’s these very thoughts that I want to free myself from – these are the leakages of my energy, that suck the life out of me.

Then on the Fourth, again, the wife was asleep ridiculously early, so I went out, enjoyed the multitudes in our neighborhood and watched the fireworks. Again, there wasn’t a goal, just getting out, enjoying myself, feeling the energy of the crowds, appreciating the experience and feeling myself in the moment. When I was not being present, my thoughts were:

If I’m single again, these affirmations won’t work. I’ll just be back to struggling with this like I always do. I really don’t believe in myself.

If I’m going out and really being myself and enjoying the experience, I’ll be happy, and that’s all I want in life. This isn’t about whether or not I get women and it never was. That’ll take care of itself. It’s about living a life I enjoy and really expressing myself.

I felt guilty for going out.

I was afraid my wife would find out and be upset.

There’s a lot of room for removing stumbling blocks. I take the negative thoughts from these experiences as really great opportunities, so I’m grateful. I’m not upset that I discovered these negative thought patterns or that I’m “failing.” I want to be more present with myself and I am – I was listening to my thoughts without internalizing them and making them me. I was observing, even if just a little and in moments. This is great.

Clearly I have a lot of fear, guilt and obligation feelings around my wife, and perhaps this applies to all relationships with women, this “tied down” feeling, this need to please/ fear of displeasure.
I have in my mind an expectation that I struggle with women, that I’m not attractive, that they don’t like me, that I’m not that sexy stud. I expect to be mediocre with women.

Moreover, I expect to be mediocre in life. I expect things to go wrong with my career, to not get what I want, to fall short.

And there’s also a real desire to really express myself, to really be myself and live my life authentically. I’m more in my body, feeling the sensations, feeling my emotions, and that’s awesome. I’m more in the moment, separate from my thoughts and emotions, observing, in touch with something larger. I’m owning my desire. I’m releasing blockages.

I’ve noticed as I’ve gained momentum in releasing negative beliefs and being present that my attitude and behavior has changed for the better. I feel much more calm and confident about myself, more determined to get what I really want in life. I feel much more present and in the moment sexually, which is making the sex much better. And I’m seeing my life from a different perspective. I see where I’m “giving to get,” and where I’m compromising when I shouldn’t, and why.

One reason I compromise when I shouldn’t is when the sex is good. I’m somehow seeing that great sex makes it okay to accept less of what I want in “other aspects” of the relationship, but this is bullshit. Sex is a mutual joy and so is not part of anything as far as compromising goes. Either my sex life is satisfying or it isn’t. And if it is, I don’t owe her a damned thing in any other aspect of the relationship. And if it isn’t, no amount of “other things” I could get in a relationship will make up for it.