Update - Setbacks, Tests and Progress

It's been an interesting three weeks. Most noteworthy, I was laid off from my job. I went through a period of being bummed about this, because I really liked that company, but the commute and the job itself weren't that great. Honestly, I think the things I really liked about working there were the Starbuck's machine and the hot women I got to interact with every day. I can obtain Starbuck's anywhere, I can find beautiful women anywhere (and even act on things, since it's not at work), and I can find a more fulfilling job with hopefully a much smaller commute. So I'm cool with it. I also need some time to sort things out.

The other noteworthy event was a 12-day Bago trip through the US, ending up in the midwest. This was a trip I was dreading. It was a lot of driving, and it was out of obligation. But it turned out to be an enjoyable trip, my obligations are officially over (YAY!!!), and I learned some things about myself.

During that trip, I couldn't work out, I couldn't do my affirmations, I couldn't do my "Code of the Natural" exercises. Hell, I could barely shower for most of the trip. I was crowded on the Bago, lots of driving, little sleep, no alone time. So it was a test in many respects.

I found out that I really am at a higher level. I snapped at one point on the trip, I had a couple periods where I felt down, the combination of losing my job and thinking about the direction of my life to that point. But for the most part, I really enjoyed the experience, even the driving, even being crammed in a Bago with the wife and baby for all that time. Even the fact I didn't catch a single fish on the whole trip.

I enjoyed the moment, savored the experiences without getting hung up on the distractions and negativity. I enjoyed the people and relaxed environment of the midwest. I enjoyed the beauty and cool-ness of Colorado. I was blown away by the Grand Canyon. I enjoyed being with my wife.

So the affirmations and exercises have a lasting effect. I didn't "backslide," I just enjoyed myself. I think I needed the break from all the "work" on myself. Now that I'm back, getting more sleep, back to doing my affirmations, working out and doing my exercises, getting time away from everybody, I feel stronger than ever.

I've been tested and came out better for it. I'm not bummed about my job loss or down on myself. At one point on the trip, I really felt a personal alignment, that I was truly my best friend, that I was only going to support myself from here on out, no more being at cross-purposes with myself or doubting myself.

I started doing some self hypnosis after I got back. I have an induction on my iPod and I give myself instructions that I believe my affirmations and the more I say them and write them, the stronger they become in my reality. It's working! I now feel like I'm supporting my affirmations, not resisting them.

Also, I realized I'm not living the life I want to live. I can dress it up, but this isn't where I want to be and what I want to be doing. The good news, my obligations are over, I've passed the test, and the rest of my life is ahead of me.

Time to go back to the job search...

Believe It's Already Happening

If you want something to happen in your life, believe it's already happening.

 

The times when the affirmations have really clicked is when I was able to feel like the affirmation was already true.  And in those moments when I accepted that this was already my reality is when things really started changing.

 

I recall going through a period with the affirmations where I felt like I was just wishing upon a star, that what I was writing and saying was so disconnected from my reality that I might as well have been making affirmations that I owned the moon or that I was Superman and could fly.  My mind didn't believe my affirmations for a second.  So I refocused.  I did the gratitude and confirmation affirmations and when I got to the confirmation, I started with positive things about myself that I really did know were true - "Women find me attractive."  I'd expand out, each one going a little further out than the last so that things like "I am a sexy stud women love to fuck" was something I could honestly say to myself was true.

 

I also changed my mirror affirmations, repeating one affirmation over and over until I got a shift and it felt real.  This helped reinforce the "believing it's happening now" mentality. 

 

I haven't been able to cross over and just "be" the sexy motherfucker all the time, with the accompanying lifestyle, but I have had real good glimpses of this.  When I wasn't looking and was just accepting myself as being the man who attracts women, then I'd get the attention and attraction, and it wasn't surprising because I already felt inside this was reality.

 

Some people have an epiphany.  For me it's more a series of small victories that build.  I haven't had that major life-changing shift yet, but the progress I'm making feels extremely solid.

 

I wonder, as I start to unearth some areas where I haven't been acting with integrity, and start changing how I do things, if that process might make this other stuff flow more easily.  It could.

Releasing the Wants: First Up, Wanting to Control

I'm continuing slowly through the Sedona Method.  There's a lot of resistance to getting in and doing this stuff, but once I get through that I feel great and make pretty awesome progress.

 

So this weekend and today I worked on releasing the wanting to control.  There's this whole process of making lists and reasing on the underlying feelings, and I won't get into the details as it was a lot of work going through it the first time.  This is about what I got from the exercise, the lesson about wanting to control.

 

The pattern of controlling behavior, and the opposite behavior of being out of control, is coming from a feeling of powerlessness, restlessness, incongruence, feeling that my life is going "off track," feeling like I'm being controlled, bossed around or manipulated and feeling weak. 

 

I've been acting like a victim a lot lately.  I've blamed others  for problems in my life, put my future in the hands of outside events "when this happens, I'll get around to doing this or that thing I want or need to do."  I haven't been taking full responsibility for my life.  But I can, I can choose to take responsibility, to be assertive, to handle my situation and make strong decisions. Instead of wanting to control things, which is coming from a place of weakness, I can choose instead to assert myself, be decisive, be bold and take full responsibility for my life.

 

Releasing on this opened up a lot of space inside and I can see the choice.  I can see where I've been using this want as a way to avoid taking real responsibility and how I use my decision to be out of control or be controlled to hide from responsibility.  It's a huge leakage of energy and personal power, wanting to control or to be controlled.  It boils down to either not taking matters into my own hands or refusing to accept my own decisions.

Finding Peace

Right now I'm focusing on presence, on being in the moment, turning off the thinking and appreciating where I'm at and what I'm doing.  I've been feeling peaceful these past few days and that's helped.  I've worked on meditating, looking at the tree and just being with the tree, really focusing on my affirmations, especially the mirror affirmations.

 

I really felt and gained an understanding that women are very attracted to me, that a lot of very attractive women would be very happy, very excited to get me into bed.  And this is a natural thing.  If I'm not worrying, thinking, looking for it or getting in the way, it happens naturally.  With this realization, I've been able to shift my focus away from women toward being in the moment and appreciating where I'm at.  From there, I don't focus on a woman and expect a reaction for validation or confirmation.  Instead, I'm gazing, as Cory talks about, taking in as much as I can, enjoying the moment, and in the process noticing all the cues women are giving that they're attracted.

 

For example, in the gym, where I'm usually "all business" with my workout, I focus on opening out and just appreciating where I'm at.  And in that state, a beautiful woman decides to work out right next to me, although there was certainly plenty of room for her to work out with more "space," and I can accept that without attachment.    Then today, again in the gym, I make eye contact in the mirror with a beautiful new personal trainer whose busy with a client and she gives me a smile and a big wink. 

 

I realize I'd made myself pretty invisible and kind of gave off an awkward vibe because I'd be withdrawn and checking out women from behind that "shield."  So I just kept focusing on putting myself in front of that mental shield and really participating in the world and in that moment everywhere I go.  It's a struggle, because I'd been so used to withdrawing I didn't even know I was doing it.  But when I've been able to stand outside that shell, I've found it to be a very calm, peaceful place.  I feel naturally confident.  I'll just speak in a normal voice tone, out loud, without any mental rehearsal or worry.  It's nice.  It's what I want for myself all the time.  And it's... unusual.  I'd been living behind this mental wall for so long, hiding in thoughts and fantasies, withdrawn, it was really different to just walk around feeling like a real participant in the world.

 

There's a lot to be gained by going down this path at this point.  I'm struggling with a lot of very real problems, but learning to just be out in the world, to be completely comfortable knowing that women think I'm the big prize and not taking their positive or neutral responses to mean anything special about me (it's rare I'll get a truly "negative" response, aside from the meaning I give non-responses in my own mind), allows me to just live life and not be constantly burdened by what's happened or what might happen.  Over time, I can worry less and have more time like this.

 

The other part of this is that, when I'm sleepwalking through life, I'm also ignoring the cues that this isn't something I want to do.  If I'm resorting to mental masturbation then I can amuse myself when I'm really not doing things I enjoy, or that might even be unhealthy.  I'm also not being aware of what I really want and need.  Turning off the thoughts and livign in the moment helps me appreciate life more and also more readily recognize the things I really don't like and make better choices.

 

I'll admit this is an effort for me.  It's not easy right now, but the times when I've been in the moment have been great and that inspires me to keep working at this.  I can sense, just from the little bit I've been able to live this way, the results from the world (women, other people) will be phenomenal, too.  And it's just such an "easy" way to go about life, it frees up energy and makes tasks easier.  Very cool.  Very peaceful.  I'll keep going with this.