All This BS in My Life Has Me Pumped!

I was starting to feel a little lethargic about my progress.  Hell, I was feeling downright complacent and starting to even question my goals.  Gee, maybe could just be bigger but stay in this marriage, maybe the problem was me.

 

Well, this past week put and end to that line of thinking.  Instead of feeling bummed or angry, I'm inspired!  This was just the kick in the ass I needed to KEEP GOING, and now I'm pushing myself to live larger than life, to go all-out on being the man I really want to be.

 

A couple months ago, my ex wife got an attorney and took away my son's overnight visits.  I've got limited means, so spending money on an attorney to get into something that really isn't for my son's benefit isn't high on my priority list.  And wasting my time on that is never going to be high on my priority list.  So I've been visiting my son on more limited terms and I'll assert my rights at the end of the school year, on my own terms.  To add to the drama, this week my ex wife and I took our son to the psychiatrist and it basically became an hour-long argument of her lying and trying to blame me for everything and me fighting to set the facts straight.

 

Then after that, my son decided he "changed his mind" about going to something with me and my dad.  Instead of backing me up and explaining to our son the importance of keeping a commitment, my POS ex was encouraging him!  I did end up seeing him this weekend, after I insisted on keeping the originally-scheduled time, even if he didn't want to go to what we were doing.  And I made them cancel their "alternative plans" they had made before my son backed out on his promise to me.

 

This came on the heels of my work cutting everybody's pay, which came on the heels of my work dropping the project I'd invested close to a year on.  Which all happened in the midst of this nasty bronchitis I've been suffering with for going on two months now.

 

Then there's the current wife.  Basically, the past several weekends have been me holding down the home front, watching the baby while the Mrs. rests from being tired and sick for weeks on end.  Never mind that I myself have had at least a couple bouts of illness myself during this time and wouldn't think of spending the whole day lying around in bed and having the other person practice being a single parent/ slave.  I'm sure I mentioned her recent ingratitude over this. 

 

I'm actually happy about the weekends, because I've really bonded with my son.  I've also learned to be more present and appreciative and use this time for some training.  But the fact is this is not the life I want to live, or that anybody would want to live.  This weekend I was feeling frustrated at my inability to get out and really enjoy living.  I was feeling the growing disconnect between the man I'm becoming and the lame, boring life of obligation that I've been living lately. Yesterday morning it became clear.  I got to sleep late, having to deal with another long discussion with the Mrs. over my older son and was woken up to the sound of her running the washing machine at 7 in the morning, after being woken up at 3:30 and 4:30 with her complaining about her ailments, and 5:00 through to 6:15 with her noisily dealing with the early-riser baby, who would be my responsibility for the rest of the day. 

 

So, tired and frustrated, I started the day.  Before she went off to have lunch with her friend, I told her I was visiting my parents and taking the baby, which she didn't like, since she and my parents don't get along at all.

 

It was a nice day and a good visit with the folks. 

 

I came back to tired, sick, cranky wife, which sucked all the more since I was tired and still coughing up phlegm myself.  I then had to have a tedious discussion with her about my older son - again.  This time she was on her little rant about how horrible my ex wife is, but not in a supportive way, in a "how-is-this-going-to-affect-me" way.  She decided that when my son starts spending the night again, she's going to take his baby brother and go somewhere else.  How very dysfunctional of her.  And how typical, to bring a conversation about the heartbreaking situation of my child back around to her.

 

And to think I was actually contemplating that this marriage could work out!  Why do I keep trusting people to be considerate and reasonable??

 

So, having been fully disabued of the notion that the women in my life are ever going to reasonable, functioning adults, I excused myself from the conversation and did my mirror affirmations.

 

And that's when the shift happens.  I had let go of the anger and disappointment, stopped kidding myself that things were going to magically "work out," and finally accepted reality.  I also accepted that I have choice in this matter and I don't owe anybody a damned thing.  And I felt appreciation that, whether it was my intention or not, I spent quality time with both my children and my parents this weekend. 

 

So in this state I stood in front of the mirror, looked myself in the eye and said "I am larger than life."  I felt that I'm much, much bigger than all this BS around me and it's time to stand up and really BE that big personality.  Now I feel energized, not motivated out of resistance or anger but inspired by a clear vision of the things around me and a clear view of the man I am.  I AM larger than life.  So why keep this man hidden from the world and keep indluging all this crap?  Fuck that, it's time to stand out and to hell with these idiots standing in my way.  Time to live life, to enjoy life, to really LIVE and not letting anybody tell me what they think I'm doing right or wrong or looking for something from others to prove my worth to myself.  I'm bigger than that. 

 

KEEP GOING.  Keep growing.  Pick up the pace.  Break through the resistance.  Be the Man.  I am larger than life and it's about fucking time I started living that way, too.  Strange place to find inspiration, I suppose, but I'll take it.

 

Happiness: What It's All About

This is a great article that puts "women and dating" in a great perspective:  http://www.sosuave.com/articles/at/powerful.htm

 

He's talking about how attractive happiness is.  In the end, isn't that what we're really desiring, a happy life?

 

The more I fully realize that happiness is an attitude and not a goal or something bestowed on us by others, and the more I can connect with that attitude inside, the better everything is.  Even when "things" in my life aren't going the way I would originally want or expect.

 

The more I learn to accept reality and not fight or deny it, the more I take responsibility for my life and appreciate myself and my world, the more I learn to be in the moment and go with the flow of life, the more I live my life the way I want to and not for others or out of some expectation or obligation, the more I find that happiness inside, and the more awesome things come my way without me doing anything.

 

I'm beginning to see more and more that life is actually very easy.  Life is only truly a struggle when we refuse to accept and fail to see and appreciate.

KEEP GOING

I'm making awesome progress toward being the man I truly want to be.  I'm closer to thinking, acting, talking, walking and doing the things that are true with who I really am.  Every day I'm closer and closer to fully sharing my confident, sexy, amazing self with the world.  Every day, I shedding more and more doubt and fear, letting go of more and more pride, crushing more and more wanting, lust and neediness.  And every day I'm giving out more positive energy, more sexuality, more confidence, more of my true self.

 

More and more I see the truly incredible, sexy, kick-ass man that I am, the one that's been covered with layers of negativity and confusion.  More and more, I believe in myself, in who I am, in where I'm going.  Every day I see the changes taking place and they're awesome, and I know this is real.  Despite all the outside setbacks this year, I'm happier, more grounded and sexier than ever.  Life is amazing. 

 

This year I've dealt with a seemingly endless string of family illnesses that have kept me from doing things I want to do.  I'm dealing with the challenges of my older son, whose very angry with me, and his mom, who is enabling his bad behavior and not letting him take responsibility for things.  I'm dealing with an employer whose gone through two layoffs this year, given me a pay cut, and a major project which I had been working on for a year that the powers that be decided to abruptly abandon, leaving me little to show for my year here.  I've had my own illnesses for much of the year, not to mention other issues, including a huge unexpected tax bill. 

 

Yet the amazing this is all of this shit is just sliding off me.  The world's thrown its share at me, and it's just sliding off.  In fact, I'm evolving into a more grounded, confident, sexy, happy man than I've ever been.  I feel little if any real stress right now.  Life is fucking awesome.  I feel great on the inside.  I'm in better shape on the outside.  I strut through the world confidently.  I have a sexy gaze that I hold confidently.  I get looks and attention from women like never before.  And I've done this in the midst of some of the most intense resistance the world has thrown at me.

 

I've gotten to the point where I can see that a lot of external "things" would have only a minimal impact on my happiness.  A better-paying job would be great.  Less commuting and more time for myself would be great.  A better apartment situation, better parking, and more money at the end of the month would reduce my stress a little.  Getting this situation with my older son resolved would feel much better.  Being on my own, being out of the marriage and free to take advantage of my attractive personality shift would be a lot of fun.  All that would feel better, feel more in alignment and enjoyable than what I have now, but I wouldn't be that much happier, because I'm already super happy right now being me and living life as it is.

 

I've even started to sometimes see the reality that "attracting lots of hot women" isn't a permanent path to happiness and fulfillment, even despite all the efforts I've made.  I do belive that living the life I want, including enjoying an abundance of women, is a part of being fulfilled and living my life in alignement, but it's not an end-all.  I don't need those things to be happy, and having those things won't automatically bring happiness.

 

Still, I'm not "the man" yet.  There's a part of me still resisting.  I can feel the resistance when I go to speak to people, and it either stops me or adds tension to my voice.  I can feel the resistance sometimes work to avert my gaze, or affect my walk.  I'd notice less-than-positive responses from the world sometimes.  I used to see this as "backsliding," but yesterday I saw it in a different light.  I'm getting better, but I'm not "there" yet, so there's going to be transition.  I heard the voice, "KEEP GOING."

 

KEEP GOING.  There are no limitations.  There are no setbacks.  There are no boundaries.  KEEP GOING.  I'm learning to live without relying on my old habits and beliefs, so there's going to be some awkwardness, some transition.  KEEP GOING.  I'm on the right path.  These moments don't mean I'm screwing up or that there's somethign wrong with me, they mean I'm moving to the next level.  KEEP GOING. 

 

Stop noticing how the world is responding, stop looking for feedback from the outside and look within.  Notice if I'm being the man I know I am.  Am I being the sexy bitch, or am I resisting?  Am I strutting through the world like the confident, sexy motherfucker I know I am, or am I falling back onto my old habits based on beliefs that no longert exist?  Am I being myself, living out loud in my own voice, living this life the way I want to live it, or am I thinking about what other people might be thinking or feeling?

 

And when I catch myself not being me, just go back to being me.  There's no need to make a big deal about it or give it meaning, just acknowledge I'm not being me, stop and go back to being myself, that's it.  If my walk starts feeling unsure, walk more solidly, remind myself I'm a confident, sexy bastard.  If I notice I'm speaking feebly, stop, relax and speak in my own voice.  Nothing to analyze or "break down," just catch myself and move back to the path.  KEEP GOING.

 

And the more I do this, the more I just keep going and not look back, beat myself up or overanalyze, the easier it gets to stay on the path, the more I grow, the more cool surprises and positive energy I discover.  I'm on my way.  KEEP GOING.

 

 

I Was Doing the Exercises Wrong!

Here I've been spending three weeks doing "Code of the Natural" exercises and thinking I'm making all this progress.  The stretching exercises were effective, as were some of the other techniques (tennis ball, eye/ TMJ), and I've been feeling pretty loose and attractive. 

 

But I was doing the strength exercises all wrong.  I was finding that the strength exercises were leaving me feeling "tight," and actually seemed to be hurting - my shoulder's hurting again, and it was feeling SO much better when I started doing the "15 Minute Hell" workouts instead of the weights.  I started adding in bench, military press, French curls, rows, bicep curls, squat and Romanian dead lift, but it was the improper tecnique and too much weight with the "Code of the Natural" workout that stressed the shoulder.

 

I reviewed the "Code" again and saw that the way I was doing the hips matrix stretch was wrong - I needed to be really stretching my torso a lot more.  So I did this at lunch yesterday and instantly felt much more loose and comfortable.  And I was not properly integrating my body with pretty much all the strength matrices, except foot, which I was doing properly and getting results.  So I was getting limited results.  Plus, I was using far too much weight which was putting strain on my body, so I was actually going in reverse.

 

So today at the gym I did the "correct" scaupar matrix and realized how much more "open" it feels to do it right.  It's also much harder, it's a real workout!  I also did the squat-press routine correctly with much less weight and it felt good, very invigorating, opening and effective, really involving the whole body.  I'll do "correct" abs and lunge tomorrow and start straightening this out, but I can already feel a big difference.  Basically, the past three weeks of Code strength training was a waste.  The lesson is get the technique right!

 

One thing I have been doing "correctly" is the "15-Minute Hell," and it's pretty kick-ass.  I'm getting more endurance so I can do some weight training, too, which is only super-charging the effectiveness.  I've noticed this week that my trunk is no longer "round" (I was never anything close to overweight, and I have good muscle size, but it's always been a little "soft"), there's a "ridge" of ab muscles and then a dropoff toward the waist where fat used to smooth that out.  In other words, I'm getting just a little definition in my abs.  I can see the faintest outline of abs.  Not a six pack, but pretty damn nice improvement.  My waist has shrunk and all my pants hang lower now.  And it just feels awesome, it's a great workout.

 

Back to exercises I haven't been doing right, I realize that until very recently, I've been sloughing through my mirror affirmations.  I didn't realize how much I was lacking precense and connection until I listened to this:  http://seanmessenger.podbean.com/perfect-eye-contact-the-alpha-dog/ (go to the free podcast, don't waste your money).  It's a great way of looking at eye contact that involves gazing at a tree and being fully present with that tree for five minutes.  It's not easy. 

 

Doing that exercise made me realize I haven't been fully present with my mirror exercises, I've always had other things going on in my mind.  So the past couple days I did my mirror affirmations the "right way," spending a lot of time connecting with myself and being present.  The result has been dramatic.  Coupled with getting the "Code" exercises right, I've been more loose, more confident, happier and better able to connect with people and hold eye contact.

 

Bottom line, I've got to always make sure I'm doing my exercises the right way and not just going through the motions!

15 Minute Hell, Code of the Natural - 3 Week Assessment

With any exercise regimen, I generally give it three weeks before deciding if it's good or not. After three weeks, I can say I've seen some noticable changes as a result of switching to a combination of "15 Minute Hell" (www.15minutehell.com) and Code of the Natural (www.codeofthenatural.com).

"15-Minute Hell" is a series of fairly straightforward body weight and calisthenic exercises that takes about fifteen minutes - it's taken me a bit longer, since I'm learning the ropes. While I was doing this, I ceased all weight lifting, except what I did as part of "Code of the Natural." In the three weeks I've been doing this, I've noticed a significant drop in body fat. I wasn't anywhere near fat before, and in the past three weeks my waist has shunk, my abs are tighter and even my face looks more lean.

And yet the scale shows no change. This means I've gained some muscle to offset the fat loss - cool! I also feel more flexible and just generally physically better - more endurance, more functional strength. I've also noticed that I sleep much more soundly and readily than before, and I'm a bad insomniac, and gone through some stressful things over the past three weeks, so this is impressive.

In addition, I've been doing regular daily stretching with "Code of the Natural," particularly the walking, hamstring, waist, thoracic, foot and chect expansion matrices. I immediately felt more relaxed and fluid and noticed a lot more attention when I'd be walking or carrying myself around women.

aside from stretching, I'm doing the tennis ball, eye/tmj and facial exercises at my desk. Very simple exercises that feel great.

I've also been doing the strength matrices at least twice a week, and this is the only time I've been using weights. After three weeks, I notice my abs are more engaged and my scapular is more properly aligned. I also notice my hamstring is more loose.

After three weeks, I'm adding very moderate, simple weight training - bench, military press, french curl, rows, standing bicep curls, Romanian dead lift and squat. I do them in sets once a week based on muscle group - chest, shoulder and triceps one day, back and biceps another, legs a third. I'll arrange my Code of the Natural strength exercises to conform with these exercises on the days I lift.

So, at the three week mark, these two programs are ROCKING! I could not be happier with the results and I'm looking forward to seeing how weight training can enhance the exercises.

Struggling with Demons, Feeling "Sexy."

I've been focusing on using the Sedona Method to release emotions lately, particularly emotions related to lust, which includes two very big sticking points for me, impatience and vanity (or self-consciousness). I was having some success at releasing these emotions, and impatience is a big one for me, so that's like challenging my identity in a way.

So last night I'm about to fall asleep and *WHAM* I get hit with these heavy emotions out of the blue. Dread, self-doubt, grief, all tangled up in one big emotion that startled me out of a near sleep. This used to happen quite frequently, which is the reason for the insomnia, and also my habit of fantasizing at night to fall alseep (which is an escape, and I'm focusing on releasing that need, too).

This one was different in that it was more intense, and also I was able to stay with it, accept it and release it. My heart was racing - all these fears and unhappy thoughts coming at me at once. My mind was a blur, and this is where I'd go into panic attacks in the past. Now I accepted the feeling, accepted myself, accepted things as they are, and allowed myself to welcome the feeling in. After a while it didn't feel so bad. Then I thanked the feeling from the bottom of my heart until there was a shift and I felt better. Then I could release the feeling.

It was mentally exhausting, but satisfying. I went to sleep, although I didn't have a good night's sleep because the Mrs. was sick, so I was woken up a lot. I was also having weird dreams. The releasing caused resistance and my ability to accept and release those negative feelings created some sort of shift. I still felt agitated when I woke up, but had a very cool connection with my mirror affirmations.

Then as I was coming to work from the gym, I had this realization that these women are sexy, but I'm sexy, too. I got this cool picture in my mind of two very attractive people - the sexy woman and me - enjoying this amazing attraction, and thought how that would make a very cool love story to watch, or like one of those sexy perfume ads. It was an awesome shift and I instantly felt sexier and much more confident and grounded.

I noticed as I was interacting with women at work, I held that image in the back of my mind and I could feel a much more relaxed and powerful connection. I was "vibing" in a way that was very hit-and-miss before.

So that whole episode last night was a turning point where I killed some inner demons that had plagued me for a long time and stepped more fully into my naturally confident, sexy self. Very cool!

Epiphany: "I Am The Creator!"

I was driving home last evening and doing some releasing on things that had been bothering me on a regular basis. I was stuck on the issue of my wife keeping pictures and letters from her exes, trying to get to the point where I could just let the emotions go, not worry about it and just focus on enjoying my own life.

At one point, I was describing to myself what my feelings were pushing me to do and something came out "these letters make me question myself." At that point, something inside rose up and said "I created these feelings and beliefs. I can just as easily destroy these feelings and beliefs. I am your Creator. You don't question your Creator. I love myself and I love my life and I'm not about to question myself, and certainly not because of some thoughts and beliefs that I created want me to doubt myself."

It was a weird sensation. I wasn't resisting, I was actually calling out my ego from a place of centeredness. The tone was one of bemusement, not anger or defensiveness. Then at that moment, I released the thoughts and feelings, and the energy began flowing again.

After that, I felt very present and grounded. I made love to the Mrs. and was entirely in the moment and whenever a thought came in, it just passed through without a reaction. It made for a powerful connection and she noticed the difference.

After that, thoughts and feelings did come back, but I could release them much easier and I could reach back to that epiphany and easily unblock things that had been sticking points before. I now FEEL like the creator of my life. It's quite a shift.

Releasing: Focus on Apathy

I'm working through The Sedona Method and focusing on releasing the lowest-energy emotion - apathy. I'd like to think that I'm so awesome I never experience these sorts of emotions, but I do. I procrastinate at work, I'm reluctant to clean things up at home, I sometimes drift into laziness and carelessness. I'd put negativity, sarcasm and the desire to pull others down under this emotion, too, since the "motivation" for those things is to demoralize others or myself into inaction, to keep from feeling pressured to move to a higher energy state.

As I focus on these emotions, I can feel the weight, the heaviness, the haze, the slowness. These emotions really suck, but I'd never really looked at them as emotions, I always blamed some other event or circumstance - too tired, not enough sleep, burnt out, going in the wrong direction, off my path.

But those are circumstances that don't require lethargy and inaction. I'm seeing now that lethargy and slowness are a choice when I believe I've run out of options - they're "giving up." If I'm tired, I could choose to take a day off and rest. I could choose energizing activities. I could choose to drink a coffee. If I'm burnt out, I could choose to do something else. Instead of collapsing into nothingness, I could make a decision. I could admit what I'm doing is going nowhere and try something else.

Just in the half day I've spent clearing out some of these feelings, I can sense a shift. Just accepting that I experience apathy and really feeling what it is has been enlightening. It's a shitty emotion with no payoff. Grief has some pleasure to it - endorphin release, feeling of aliveness. Apathy is just a walking death.