Noticing My Ego

Today I had lunch with a female friend and I had these feelings:

• Self-Conscious - noting if people were watching me
• Outside-focus - looking at other people, constantly looking around instead of enjoying her company and being in the moment
• Fear - fear of being seen/ caught
• Fear - fear of looking back
• Fear - fear of looking like I was uncomfortable
• Comparing/ judging - comparing her and judging her in my mind instead of enjoying the experience
• Trying to look good/ appear relaxed
• Unable to relax and enjoy myself

Granted, this is one of those situations where I'd be in trouble, so there's pressure, but I want to be able to enjoy myself and relax in these situations, in any situation. So there's opportunity for reframing and release. The underlying beliefs are worth exploring here, as well as the emotions.

Also caught myself imagining arguments with the Mrs. This came after I found out our son has an ear infection. She gets incredibly needy, demanding and confrontational whenever the baby gets sick, and of course, he's sick, so she has carte blance to crap on me and I'm the devil if I leave. But the imaginary argument thing is a sign of insecurity. It's not the 99% of the time when our character shows itself, it's the 1% when the pressure's on.

Also found myself imagining a confrontation with my ex wife over my older son. In both hypothetical arguments, the same emotions and concerns come up:

• Fear I'll be taken advantage of or have my power taken away from me, either by manipulation or coersion
• Fear of conflict and confrontation/ being emotionally hurt/ lack of sleep
• Fear of disapproval/ shame/ guilt
• Fear of being disrespected
• Anger over possibly being disrespected.

I've done a lot of releasing/ breakthroughs this week and, for a variety of reasons, haven't gotten enough sleep, although I've been sleeping like a rock lately when I have slept. I'm pretty tired, mentally and emotionally fatigued, so I'm going to get back to the "working on myself" stuff. This morning, I thought about just relaxing and not consciously thinking about women or attraction, just putting the stuff aside a little. And I was... hot. I had women checking me out at the gym, one even positioning herself next to me (Cory Skyy calls that a woman's way of approaching a guy, and that's what she was doing), I had women who'd been "cold" all week suddenly acting friendly, lots of little things.

My mindset went to shit at lunch (see above). I'd love to go out for happy hour, but with the sick baby, and with this really nagging cough of my own, that's not a good idea.

I consider these issues that came up to be gifts - opportunities for me to watch my ego in action and make a conscious decision about where I'd like to go in life and in those moments in particular. So I'll see about finishing up the Sedona Method book and applying more of it to my situation and see where I'm at next week. I am grateful for the stressful situations that allow me to see the depths of my emotional self.

Two links on releasing thoughts and emotions

Two links on letting go and eliminting your ego that are FREE and had immediate benefits for me:

http://www.urbanmonk.net/85/the-elusive-key-to-emotional-mastery-is-it-really-that-simple/

http://www.urbanmonk.net/59/what-your-ego-is-and-how-to-stop-it-from-obscuring-your-inner-peace-and-unconditional-love/

These are awesome when dealing with thoughts and emotions. Let me know how they work for you.

Sexual Grounding - Using the Sedona Method and Natural Grounding to Connect With My True Sexual Nature

I decided to start tackling a "big" issue today - sex. The whole thing, from attraction, to feelings about having sex and my own attitudes toward sex and sexuality.

I started by picturing myself seeing a beautiful woman and feeling attraction. I focused on this feeling until another feeling popped up (resistance/ blockages), in this case anxiety.

Focusing on the feeling of anxiety, I told myself that my attraction is natural and healthy, but the anxiety is artificial and based on a belief that isn't real. Then I released the anxiety.

I focused on the attraction again, and this time shame and guilt popped up. I again reminded myself that shame and guilt are impositions I've accepted from society and not my real feelings. I then released the guilt.

At this point, I went to the break room where I encountered some attractive women and allowed myself to feel attraction, which was quickly supplanted by self-consciousness. This is where things get difficult, because this is PRIDE operating, and pride is very tough to remove. Worrying about what others think of me, wondering what she thinks of me, trying to look good, thinking about how cool I'd be if she felt attraction for me, all these things are pride, they're putting my ego ahead of attraction. Pride gets in the way of attraction and the enjoyment of the moment.

So I go back to the office and try a few reframes. I ask myself "is attraction a choice?" No. "So, if attraction isn't a choice, is my attraction for her a reflection of the kind of man I am?" No, attraction is natural and enjoyable. If anything, it makes me a better man. "And is attraction something unique only to me or is it universal to mankind?" It's universal. Billions of people making babies all over the world, it's not unique. "So then, her attraction for me would not be a reflection in any way on me as a unique individual?" No, attraction isn't a choice, it's universal, so attraction doesn't affect my SELF. "So what I'm worrying about, worrying about what she thinks of me, whether she's attracted to me, is that coming from natural attraction?" No. "Is it out there in the real world, is there a 'what does she think of me' that I can touch, see or taste?" No. "So what is it?" It's something created in my mind. "And is it real?" No. "How about attraction, is that real?" Yes. "So can you see how worrying about what she thinks of me, which is not real, is interfering with something that is real?" Yes. "Are you ready to let go of that which is false and unpleasant and accept what is real and enjoyable?" Yes.

And then I let go of the pride. Actually, I didn't.

So then I did some natural grounding, watching Showgirls on YouTube. Then I came back, with my new feeling, and tried again and this time I felt a release.

So I focused on attraction again and this time felt guilt. I released the guilt. I felt fear and released the fear (these were minor emotions after the pride). Then I felt peace.

So I did more natural grounding, focusing on this peaceful feeling of sexual attraction. I felt a release of emotion - laughter, some crying and that cool rush of energy flowing through my chakras. I felt a real sense of sexual groundedness.

So I went out for a bit, to put it into alignment and notice my feelings. I knew I wasn't "cured," this is a process. I noticed only when I was feeling grounded and just enjoying the attraction easily and naturally, and when I was feeling other unnatural emotions instead.

I was quite proud of myself. I walked around for about 10 minutes and was in state during about half the encounters. And it was cool. I knew I was too "in my head," because I was studying myself, but nonetheless, the reactions were impressive. A woman gave me a strong look from accross the street, another did a double-take, practically tripping over herself. I'd been used to women largely ignoring me around the building, everybody seems to walk with blinders on, but there was a lot of interaction.

I could feel the awesome energy flow when I was in state, and the awkwardness of being out of state, self-conscious, nervous, looking for reactions, etc. What made it really amazing for me was in those moments when I felt grounded and accepting of the attraction, my heart was open. I could feel sexual attraction and love simultaneously, without any attachment or need, just letting it be. So the place exists, it's just a matter now of expanding it into my life until it becomes my entire being.

Sedona Method: Two Big Releases Today

I started work using the "Sedona Method." I haven't gotten even a third of the way through the book and already I'm making breakthroughs.

Today on the car ride over to the gym, I was thinking about my wife and a relationship she had in the past with a guy from Montana. For some reason, this really bothered me. Sedona teaches about letting go without having to "solve" the problem. I don't need to know why something bothers me, just let go of the emotions related to the issue that are bothering me.

So I let go of anger, envy, jealousy, insecurity, self-doubt and some others and got to peace, all while driving along in traffic this morning. So now I look at it and... just a calm feeling, maybe some back-and-forth thoughts about whether I'd like to live in Montana, but that's it, no strong feelings one way or another - "indifference." Feels like peace.

The big one was at work, where I went through the feelings related to my wife getting pregnant without involving me in the decision process. I started off by admitting that I hated her for that, that this was a normal feeling, and that I wasn't attached to the feeling, it didn't have to be permanent.

Once I accepted the feelings of anger and rage, I could release them, and other emotions popped up behind them, as the book explains. I kept releasing and there would be anxiety, more anger, ringhteous indignation, and finally this awful pain. At this point, I knew I couldn't just relase this pain, I had to first accept it. I'd put up all the anger and fear to distract and mitigate this terrible pain. I could physically feel it, like somebody had stuck a knife in my chest.

It actually felt dull, like the wound had scarred over. Women, if you're reading this, this is what it does to a man when you do something like this. Yah, you can rationalize that it's your body, so you can get yourself pregnant whenever the fuck you want, but if the man you're with really loves you, you're shoving a knife right in his heart. He might suck it up - we're tougher than you women give us credit for - but he'll never forget who stabbed him in the heart. It's unbelievably cruel and stupid to destroy a human being to bring another into the world. I'll get off my soapbox now.

I used techniques from another book to accept the emotion and the pain became more sharp and defined. I closed the office door and let out the pain while I accepted it more. Then I thanked that part of me that was producing this emotion and began fully accepting the emotion. Eventually, I felt the shift and I could finally release the emotion. At that point, I felt exhausted and just wanted to go to sleep and it was only 10:00 in the morning.

But I had released the emotions for one of the biggest issues I've faced, and felt this ongoing rush of emotion. It was like I had finally taken the knife out of my heart and it could heal and love again. Now I look at that and feel a sense of inner peace and newfound love and appreciation for my youngest son. I'd felt this distance between me and him, that I didn't love him the way I loved my older son. I'd attributed it to the fact I've known my older son for longer, but now I see a lot of it was this pain I'd been avoiding.

What a shift! It's like the tin man from the Wizard of Oz getting a heart.

It's been a great day. But I still feel exhausted - I wonder if that's normal for the Sedona Method?

Packed Things Up, But Didn't Leave

Man, I came that close to ending the marriage for good this weekend. After another round of BS insults from the Mrs., I went to the garage, got the suitcases, packed up and started loading the car. I told her we both deserve better than this, that the negativity was too much and that I loved myself too much to allow myself to be in something like this.

As I was packing my car, I felt this wasn't right. First of all, my wife is sick, and it's not right to her or the baby. Second, something felt off about it, but maybe that's just the newness of the change.

At any rate, I didn't leave, but I didn't give up anything or grovel, either. Interestingly, I didn't lose any sleep over it, instead slept like a log that night. I think the "15 Minute Hell" exercises are doing what they promised, which is amazing. I've slept great ever since I started doing the exercises.

And I don't feel any residual anger, fear or anxiety over it. It's like it was no big deal, it actually felt good. I don't even feel regret or doubt about not following through. I trust the universe will guide me on my way at the right time.

Not Wanting Anything - The Key

I've been doing these affirmations and noticing a lot of shifts and breakthroughs, but not noticing much difference from women. The sticking point was that I was doubting myself and looking for confirmation that "this really works." I noticed when I eased up on the affirmations and did other things, attraction was natural.

In reading and participating in other forums, this seems to be a recurring problem. Some guys just accept the lessons, believe in themselves and don't look for "proof" out in the world that it works. For them, success seems to flow. For others, their skepticism and self doubt gets in the way and you see the "this doesn't work for me" line.

Most PUAs seem to go with the "if it doesn't work, try harder" method. Go out more, meet more women, approach more, keep forcing it. Of course, doing so will get you a lot of experience, mostly at being rejected and feeling like an ass. That's a lot of work and hardship to get laid.

What I've found through experience, Natural Grounding and the affirmations is that attraction, meeting women, getting women, getting laid is not work. It's easy, fluid and natural. If it feels like work, I'm wanting it too much, trying too hard and not believing in myself and the process.

So starting a week ago, I began a new affirmation - actually it's a couplet. The first is:

"I don't want anything from anyone, ever."

I think I got this from KindredEssence on the Bad Boy with a Heart forum. You don't say it like you're angry or militant, you say it like it's liberating. Saying this makes me feel so relaxed and grounded. It's what got me to the state where I've been completely indifferent around women. I can just feel my mind letting go of things every day.

I've heard warnings about putting negatives into affirmations, but I'm convinced the subconscious can deal with negatives. Think about how many of your beliefs you have (all of which you created subconsciously) have negative words in them. The subconscious mind isn't a computer set on binary code, it'll handle it fine.

The other one I do is:

"I am so grounded, so confident, so centered that nothing affects me and I affect other people."

I do this one in my Mirror and Confirmation affirmations. It's too long for a written affirmation. I'll also say it in the car for a few minutes coming and going to work every day. It puts me in a rock-solid state and focuses my attention on what this is about - creating the happy, strong, confident man on the inside who doesn't need outside things to be his best self and live a great life.

The more I've been able to let go, the easier all of this grounding has become and these two affirmations have supercharged that process in only a week.

I've Found the Bulletproof State!

I've been working at this for SO long. I went from lamewad who married an ugly woman, to striking out on my own, to juggling three or four women and finding the love of my life (I thought), and all the while I just accepted that fear and self-doubt are a normal part of life.

I had freakish ups and downs in the marriage, unbelievable episodes of self-doubt and insecurity, conflict and negativity. And some awesome stuff, too.

Many men would either crumble and absorb the negative blows, or take their issues with them, saying "I deserve better," and think they'll be happy when they "find the right women who will treat me right."

Guess what? I'm fucking happy right now. Yah, maybe I could, and should, leave my wife, but that relationship doesn't affect my happiness anymore. I've got issues with my older son that are challenging, but I just enjoy him and my time with him as it is. That shit doesn't bother me anymore.

And the best part? Women don't bother me. People don't bother me. Bosses don't scare me, talking to women doesn't cause any anxiety anymore. I may enjoy the connection and the interaction (or not, as the case may be), but it doesn't affect me like it used to. I don't get embarassed at every little thing. So it's possible to be bulletproof, because I've found that state!

So now, in one post, I'm going to reiterate what's worked for me. Here it is:

So what’s made the difference for me? I just completely let go of all old beliefs and focused on living in the now.

I purchased “Magnetic Mindset” from Cory Skyy (http://www.baboywithaheart.com/), and I’m telling you the affirmations are AMAZING. If you take them seriously and really listen when you hear the negative voice come up and resist, you will not recognize yourself in a few months. I look at women and I can see that “puppy dog” look as I’m walking around. It’s incredible.

I also highly recommend getting a hold of at least one podcast from Brent Smith (http://www.attracthotterwomen.com/), to get a sense of the “I don’t want anything” mindset, and “being the mayor,” two concepts that are surprisingly easy to adopt, don’t require any routines and you can get the gist of the idea for something like a buck if you do it right.

While the concepts are easy, application requires a lot of work on the inside. I’ll reiterate, all game is inner game. I know a lot of guys hate that, but I’ve done ZERO of the Mystery Method and all that other outer game crap. Until you can get rid of the neediness, the self-doubt and negative beliefs about yourself and women, that stuff is a waste of time and money.

For really getting rid of negative emotions, I found this ebook to be absolutely amazing. It’s called “How to Live With Yourself and Automatically and Simply Love Yourself to Pure Freedom…” by David Cameron Gikandi (http://www.imagesofone.com/) It’s woo-woo, but if you just give it a try, you’ll be amazed at the results you can have. You’ll become a much better friend to yourself and learn to embrace those parts of yourself you’ve been hating and make them your ally. I’ve achieved moments of spiritual enlightenment with this book, and the thing costs something like $20.

And when it comes to reprogramming, Hypnotica is the master (http://www.hypnotica.com/ ). I can’t say enough about him. I highly recommend “Ultimate Inner Game” and “Reinventing Yourself.” If you can afford only one, get the first, it’s more practical and you can use it to integrate all the other stuff you’re learning and doing.

If you want to understand women, I’m going to let you in on a secret. It’s really fucking easy. It’s called “Natural Grounding,” and it’s about getting deeply in touch with the true essence of femininity. A lot of guys will reject it out of hand – “how can you get good with women by watching videos of some Thai singer?” Guys, if you can open your mind and really embrace this, you will see women in a whole new light and all this bullshit about bitch shields, all the crap being taught by PUAs, all the negative programming will look like a complete joke. You’ll be astounded when you realize it really is that fucking easy – and you might avoid making the bad choices in marriage I’ve made. It’s http://www.relationalmastery.com/. You can go there and sign up for free, look at some things, play on the forum, get some grounding and leave without paying a cent, so you’ve got nothing to lose.

For presence and grounding, I recommend the free AMP program (http://www.authenticman.com/). If you like that, and have some money, try the phone coaching. You’ll get more out of that than any seduction manual and most boot camps.

I get nothing for recommending any of this. I’m only doing this because I’m really loving my life and would like to see other guys happy. I’m seeing how a lot of the community is so negative, so angry, so unhappy. But there’s so much potential for using this stuff to find happiness. The problem isn’t the community, it’s the groupthink negative mentality, which has been implanted by society. We can rise above all this and be better men.

Here’s a freebie that I stumbled upon just today that rocks. If you want to see how to eliminate a limiting belief in a half hour and just completely see your life in a different way, go to http://www.recreateyourlife.com/ . There are only a few “free” choices, but I did “I’m not good enough,” and… it worked. I’d been holding onto that belief for thirty seven years. It’s gone. I could feel the shift. I’m still processing that one, because that’s pretty fucking powerful.

Okay, a couple more, and these are killer. They’re physical exercises that fucking ROCK, and might even make you sexy. One is “Code of the Natural” (http://www.codeofthenatural.com/). He has stretches and exercises that will eliminate tension, improve body mechanics and, in doing so, give you more sexy body language. Do they work? I’ve been doing the exercises for a week and feel SO awesome. I used to do only weights and was so tense, I can really feel the difference. No, women aren’t raping me when I walk down the street, and no, I can’t confirm if they’re ogling me because I’m naturally good-looking, I’ve got sexy body language or my sexy mindset. But who the fuck cares? This is good for you, you’ll feel good and it’ll definitely help. There’s one technique in there for relieving tension and fear that seems stupid but it works. So you get some NLP in there, too.

Finally, there’s a killer workout called “15 Minute Hell,” which involves a combination of strength training, endurance and flexibility – quite compatible with Code of the Natural. You can find it at http://www.closecombattraining.com/. He’s also got a program that teaches you how to severely injure or kill a potential attacker with you bare hands, which you may find useful, but I’m not recommending it here. With this program comes a CD called “adrenaline” which simulates peak state brain frequencies. I just recently started using these tracks while doing my written affirmations and it’s like affirmations on crack. I feel just rock solid. One of the problems with affirmations is trying to generate the emotional state that’ll imprint the affirmation and these tracks do that. It’s weird, but they really do pump you up.

If it sounds like I’m a self-improvement addict, that’s not the case. I treat this like exercise for my spirit and body, but I’m living my life. And I’m telling you, I’ve been “trying” at this for years. Even in the days when I was juggling three women and then found who I thought was the love of my life (who is hot, and was very sought-after), when I was at a point I felt I’d “really improved,” I NEVER felt bulletproof, not even close. This is a whole new level of awesomeness that’s opened up in the past six months, and really in the past two and a half.

So there it is. And not one cent for my troubles :-) Hope this works for somebody out there. And read my other posts to see how I've worked through integrating these programs into my life.

A New Life

There is no such thing as a life being a "work in progress." It's fucking life, that's it.

It feels awesome to be at that point where I can say that shit's behind me. It's a new day, and a new life. I've gone through a lot over the past year or so (10 months, I think), a lot of inner work, a lot of realizations.

Now I look at things and I feel that "stuff" is behind me. A lot of the whiny, poor-me, self-judging stuff is in the past. I can see what others have said, that it's as easy as just letting go and being myself, but that's also fucking hard because we're trained to carry our shit with us.

I can see how society has fucked everybody up, and that there's a path to escape from the societal BS, to break free and really live life.

Worry, which is self-doubt, is just me oppressing myself. Society wants us to worry, because it makes us weak, easier to control and more likely to spend money on their "way out of worry." The real way out of worry is to stop doubting yourself. It's as simple as letting go (which as I said isn't simple at all).

Anger is useful to correct an imbalance, but most anger is misdirected and is another form of self-oppression. Anger can be redirected into aggression, passion and masculine energy, but you have to let go of the ego and let go of self-doubt. I can see so much misused anger, so much wasted energy in my past.

This whole concept of "self-improvement" is a load of BS. That's right - most of what goes on in the seduction community is only reinforcing societal BS and further oppressing people with the false hope of "self improvement." My real growth came once I accepted that I'm amazing just the way I am and started loving myself. We aren't broken people in need of repair - we're amazing people in need of freedom! As soon as I stopped beating myself up with society's bullshit, accepted myself and started accepting what I deserve in my life, that's when the "improvement" happened.

I've learned to love and appreciate myself and my awesome life. I've learned to be grateful for the wonderful things I have and open myself up to what I want more of in my life.

So then I take a minute to read my blog description and I realize that's not me. I don't know who that guy was who thought he wasn't a man, or needed to kill something inside him, but the man I am loves himself and everything about himself. I've integrated that "inner boy," and even my impending death. I've integrated both ends of the life spectrum.

My life isn't a work in progress - it's fucking AWESOME! So it looks like I've spent a lot of time beating myself up and living under the delusion of society, but that's done. Now it's about letting go, being open, being myself and loving life to the fullest. Anything in my life that takes away from that positive energy will be discarded, and anything not currently in my life that will bring me the positive energy I want, I'll open up and accept.

No more bullshit, no more "becoming" anything. It's about living and loving life.

Natural Grounding, Developments

It's been a struggle finding the time and energy to post here, which probably says something.

Right now, at this moment, I feel fatigued and that achy malaise feeling like I'm coming down with something. I usually very rarely get sick, and this would be the second time this year, within a month!

I've said it before, but it's time to let go of ALL the emotional BS, old beliefs and everything else holding me back. It's time to accept a new reality.

I'm still faithfully doing my affirmations. I've also been going out, "being in alignment," but I've felt that strong "wanting it too much" feeling, that desire for validation and feedback which is throwing off my energy. I'm making progress, but there is a lot of doubt, a lot of obsticles. Also, as long as I'm still with the Mrs., there's going to be some level of disconnect with other women.

So I've realigned my focus to center on being completely grounded, centered and confident, so secure in myself that nothing effects me and I affect others. Back to the basics. Minimal "women want me" affirmations. Going out means being in the moment and being totally open. I want nothing, I need nothing, I expect nothing. I measure my progress besed on my sense of presence, openness and groundedness and I know doing that will naturally bring women into my life.

I've been working on Natural Grounding (I'll post a link later, I feel like total shit now) and I can see that the "woman" I've been pursuing doesn't exist in the real world. I am getting in touch with real feminine energy (I posted a couple links below) and realizing that I intuitively had it right the whole time.

I can also see how, in a sense, I "got it," but at a deeper level I didn't accept it. The women I had the most profound connection with were "real women," so feminine, so bursting with that awesome energy. But I couldn't accept this. I thought what I needed was a "strong woman," an independent woman with a strong personality.

I thought my "problems" with these women (especially my wife) had to do with my own inner issues - that I wasn't being "man" enough. I thought if I were more "masculine," there wouldn't be the power struggles, sex would be better and more frequent and we'd have that ideal "50-50" relationship.

This is what the David DeAngelos of the world told me. I realize now these guys are just playing right into the societal bullshit about who women really are (and who men are, for that matter). Sure their techniques "work," if by working you mean they attract the woman, but all that did was attract conflict and strife into my life.

I was happier with the less physically attractive, more "girly-girl" women who loved to cook (or at least take care of me somehow, even if it was a pedicure), looked up to me and LOVED being women around me. They never complained, never demanded, I felt like a man, the sex was out of this world. I thought it was just me being weak. Maybe it was just me being me.

The "50-50" relationship is possible, but it's a hell of a lot of work. I don't feel my relationships with "strong women" are energizing. They're draining. They're full of strife and anger. 50-50 means half the time I'm not living the life I want to life. Instead of a relationship being an enhancement, it's a compromise - it's less of a life.

In exchange for what? It's not like I don't have options. I was having more sex - and better sex - when I was single. I can remember just lying there and feeling the most blissful state of relaxation, like I was sleeping on a cloud, after having amazing sex. I felt nourished, more alive.

I can see now, as I do the natural grounding and become more familiar with female energy, that I can intuitively feel the feminine energy, but I've blocked it out of my life with fear, doubt and judgment. Even now as I work to become more connected and begin to really feel that beautiful energy in my heart, I can feel the resistance instinct come up and stop it. I can literally feel judgment and doubt.

It'll be interesting to see how things change as I move more and more from a "no" to a "yes," but I'm feeling sad right now. Probably some of it has to do with fatigue and illness (which itself is likely a product of negative thinking) but some of the sadness is also my remorse that I've spent 37 years of my life denying myself what I really want, living in fear and doubt, being a slave to society and it's bullshit demands.

I'm still not fully open and I still don't completely believe in myself. I still don't accept women for who they really are. I still judge. I still think negative thoughts. I just pray that I can reach the other side soon, the positive side, that I can fully let go of this BS baggage and truly live before it's too late.