Stumbling on a Truth: I've Always Been Alone

Wow, what a week. Tuesday, my company laid off a big chunk of its workforce. Wednesday, I find out my favorite contact person with one of our vendors is also being laid off. Yesterday my ex wife has her attorney write me and says no more overnight weekend visits with my oldest son. Today my mom and wife met to patch things up and it ended up being a huge, messy fight.

Meanwhile, for pretty much the entire week, the sex life has been nonexistent, so I’ve been struggling with anger and trying to let that go. Then last night I sat on the porch smoking a cigar and worked through the anger to the sadness. I just spent time listening to my affirmations, watching the candles burning, smoking my cigar, drinking beer and mourning the state of my marriage. I still love her, but it’s clear that, no matter how much I wish things would change or which that my changing myself could change things, this isn’t going to work for me. And that makes me sad, because I really do love her and so wished it would work out. No bitterness, no resentment, no anger, just sadness and acceptance.

At lunch I had a wonderful walk around the Santa Monica pier, got myself centered, felt really good about myself and my life, then came back and got a call from my wife, and heard the news about her and my mom. Bottom line, my parents are being completely unreasonable and controlling. What it boils down to is they don’t like the way I’m living my life and they’re blaming my wife. So I had another moment of sadness and realization. I realized that, when they were my parents, I trusted them to look out for my best interest. But now that I’m grown, and even though I turned out great, I can no longer trust them to understand and support my best interest. I have to look at them now not as parents but as friends who are often full of shit.

I had to similarly let go of old beliefs about my ex wife. I realize she’s not a particularly good person, isn’t very good as a mother, and that I shouldn’t listen to her or do anything she wants me to. There is no such thing as finding a balance with her, it’s all about doing things her way, so I just need to live my life the way I want to and give no consideration for her approval or opinion.

In fact, putting together everything that happened this week with the women in my life, the overriding lesson is that I should give absolutely no consideration for any woman’s approval and instead be entirely unfazed by anything women say and do. This doesn’t mean don’t respect woman. Just treat them with respect only so far as I’m not giving them any power or status whatsoever. I love women as women and for the beautiful human beings they are, and that’s it. I don’t do what they say, I don’t seek their approval, I don’t let them affect me in any way. I don’t judge, and I don’t give a rat’s ass what they think of me and the life I’m living.

It’s becoming painfully clear that the choice to live my life the way I want to means giving up a lot. It’s also painfully clear that the stuff I’m giving up was total bullshit. The painful part is realizing just how many of my past beliefs are total bullshit. All of them are.

I can’t accept my parents’ approval anymore because their approval is bullshit and they don’t care about what’s really in my best interest, they just want to be right. I can’t accept my ex wife’s approval because she doesn’t know how to be a good parent, she’s full of shit and absolutely not looking out for my best interest. And I can’t accept approval from women because, again, they’re not concerned with what’s in my best interest, no matter how sweet and caring they may be. This realization is at once liberating and scary – I’m free to live my own life the way I please, but I’m completely on my own and entrusted with the lives of two children. The encouraging thing is it’s always been this way, and I’ll continue to handle it, just without the old delusions.

When I look at it that way, I have nothing to fear from loneliness as far as women are concerned because I’ve been completely alone all this time, with only my self-delusion keeping me company. Did I just stumble on a philosophical truth?

Fucking Drama!

The power went out in my office, so I chilled and did some meditation. I was feeling pretty good, had some lunch and walked around, to just be in the moment.

Stupid me, I checked my emails and there was one from my friggin' ex wife's attorney, saying that she wanted to stop having me have my older son every other weekend. Un fucking believable, the bullshit never ends!

So this week has been a pretty crappy weekend of housework and lameness, followed by three days of no sex, tedious discussions and little sleep, and this! Is my negative thinking so deeply embedded, or is this the residual crap from the old thinking?

I have a lot of this kind of garbage in my life lately, and I know I'm responsible for its being there. But I've been doing so good with the affirmations, I really don't understand. My thinking is so much more positive. Even my reactions toward this are more positive. I feel very peaceful, even despite this.

So the affirmations are making me feel better, that's for sure. What I don't understand is why the negative shit is still coming in. One thought is that my thoughts are still mostly negative - that I'm still "being a no," but that the needle is moving more toward the "yes." So the affirmations are working, but the resistance is intense and this intense resistance is attracting negative things into my life.

As the needle moves over the midpoint to the positive, things should start going the other way, but it's clear there's a lot of negativity inside me and it's just going to take time to work through it. This would also explain why I feel a lot of positive changes internally but am a little frustrated by the lack of external manifestation. I'm still mostly a negative person at this point in terms of my thoughts and beliefs. So while I'm in a better place internally (more positive), it's not enough yet that I'm on the "yes side" where good things just automatically start manifesting in my life.

So bottom line, even though this is shit that's happening, it's a gift. It gives me a chance to see where I am on the map. I'm going in the right direction, but I'm still not in a good place. So keep working at it, be positive about the outcome, and accept that it's going to take a whole lot of work to get to the point where I'm "more yes than no" and can start seeing the results I want.

It's funny. Last night I was lying in bed "trying not to think negative thoughts" about my unfortunate marital sex life, and I heard this voice saying "You know what? This is a gift!"

At first I was thinking the "gift" was learning let go of attachment, which was probably part of the gift, but the other part is seeing where I am, gaining some perspective, and seeing that it's going to be okay. Instead of getting frustrated or thinking that this stuff doesn't work, I can see I've just got a long way to go. I'm still manifesting negativity because I'm still mostly negative.

Also, even though I'm less negative, the negativity is stronger because it's resisting the positive thoughts. So the paradox of all this is that, in the short term, the more I do these affirmations and put positive thoughts into my head, the more negative shit will happen, because the I'm still mostly negative and the energy level is higher.

So instead of getting discouraged and thinking this isn't working, I'll never get it, whatever, I can relax and realize it's just going to take a little longer for me. Keep going, keep doing what I'm doing, but expect more resistance, more fatigue, more outside negativity for a while. I'm rolling a ball uphill and it gets harder and harder the further up you go, but eventually, I'll get to the top, I'll get to the "maybe." Then it gets easier.

In the past, as you can see from reading this, I'd get sidetracked by the drama. Now I'm learning to let it pass through me more. Sure, I get upset, but I don't absorb it, I let it flow through.

Magnetic Mindset, Three Week Update: FUCK YEAH!!

So today marks the end of the third week of the “Magnetic Mindset” affirmation training. Today is a good example of how my thoughts are changing and creating some of a “snowball effect.”

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Friday night was a drunken night, so Saturday I was exhausted. Tried to recover on Sunday but my wife woke me up early because she was on a cleaning jag. I think I drank too much green tea too late in the day, because I couldn’t sleep much at all Monday night. Then last night – brutal – I so wanted to get to bed early and just sleep, to try and catch up. Instead, ended up having another long, tedious discussion with the Mrs. over my older son's situation, my ex's attitude, and all the related negative shit.

Realizing my dreams of a full night sleep were shot to hell, I took an opportunity to excuse myself from the conversational equivalent of root canal, fired up my aromatherapy diffuser and took care of some chores in the kitchen. Then I did about ten minutes of mirror affirmations, to set my mind on the right path, and went to bed.

I slept well, but woke up early. I made great time until I hit West LA, and then the worst traffic imaginable. I was falling asleep at the wheel coming in, the accumulation of lack of sleep catching up to me. I suffered the insufferable traffic, got to the gym, found myself getting really annoyed with the other people there, showered and went to work.

I’ve started integrating some Hypnotica techniques to go with my affirmations. I do a “football field” exercise where I back out of my current state, leaving a holographic image of myself in front of me, then find a good state I want to add to the me in front of me, then back up, leaving a holographic image of that state, find another state I want to add, until I feel complete. Then I walk back into each state, taking the positive states with me and finally stepping back into my “old self” with the new attitude.

So I do that twice, first to get rid of the BS from the morning commute, then to create a “bad boy mindset,” which is No Fear <= Don’t Care What Others Think <= Sexual Confidence <= Love the Moment <= Carefree <= Fun

After that, I do an alignment exercise to integrate the new feeling into my being, maybe say a few affirmations at the end to solidify it, then go about my day.

And it was after that, when I was feeling pretty damn good, but still very sleepy, that I dropped my breakfast shake on the floor of my office, spilling it all over, making a huge mess to clean up, and leaving me with no breakfast. I cleaned it up, got some much-needed coffee, found something to eat and started on my workday.

And it was at that point, after all this shit, that I felt that cool, relaxed, confident, peaceful feeling inside. Somehow, despite all this negative BS, I integrated the good stuff and it was coming out. I went downstairs to get something more for breakfast from the vending machine and found myself easily connecting with everybody I came in contact with. The really cool part was when I locked eyes with an attractive female coworker who just kept holding my gaze and keeping that awesome connection going, to the point where she was caught up in the connection and could only whisper “hi, how are you?”

And it felt SO good, so peaceful, so natural. And I was so sure my day was looking bad the way things were going. But I just didn’t get attached to the shit that happened and the good feelings came back stronger than ever. FUCK YEAH!!

The Asshole

When somebody says “that guy’s an asshole,” everybody knows what that means. He’s that guy in the club with the shit eating grin who just motions for the girl you’ve been talking to all night and ten minutes later she’s out the door with him. But not before he takes a moment to look over his shoulder and give you that cocky grin, just to remind you he’s the bastard who took the girl from you without even moving from his spot. He’s that little shit your girlfriend secretly texts when she’s drunk, the guy she would ditch your mother’s funeral to fuck in the back seat of his car if he just said the word. He’s the motherfucker who on an average evening makes more visits to the ladies room to fuck another woman you couldn’t even get a phone number from than you make to the men’s room to take a leak.

You know the type. He walks around the world with that cocky grin that pisses you off not just because it’s arrogant but because it draws woman like shit draws flies. It also gets him out of any kind of trouble and straight into a woman’s pants. In situations that would get you slapped, punched, arrested or possibly murdered, he manages to come out smelling like a rose. Actually he comes out smelling like the woman’s pussy you can only dream about. You’ll get pissed off at the injustice, get raging drunk, do something crazy and get yourself arrested by some lady cop; later that night, that asshole will be shooting his wad in your arresting officer’s mouth.

He’s fucking proof that life isn’t fair, God’s middle finger to the world with that damn grin slapped on its face. He doesn’t have much of a job, he’s a fucking idiot, yet he seems to sail through life getting everything he wants. People love him. Women fall all over themselves to be his next cum slut. The same woman who you spent hundreds to take out to a fancy restaurant only to listen to her tell you about all the wealthier guys who are pursuing her – after you dropped her off, she raced over to his seedy little pad, shoving the cockroaches out of the way to fuck the asshole on the same set of sheets he’d already fucked six other women on without bothering to change or wash them.

What kind of asshole are we talking about? Did you ever see that cop movie with Richard Gere? There was this scene where Gere was fucking this guy’s wife and the husband walked in. The asshole just looked at the husband, nodded, and finished fucking his wife. That kind of asshole. He’s the guy on “Cheaters” taunting the boyfriend saying he’s giving her what she needs, and ends up landing an audition. That kind of asshole.

And nothing bad ever happens to the asshole. In fact, only good things seem to happen. You’d swear he made a deal with the devil. Then turned around and ass fucked the devil’s wife and sold the video to a porn distributor. He’d fuck the boss’ wife and end up getting a promotion, while you kiss the boss’ ass and get laid off during the next downsizing.

You try to hate the asshole, but he’s so fucking cool. Arrogant. Lucky. Does whatever he wants and gets away with it. Fucks more women in a week than you’ll get the nerve to talk to in a year. He breaks up marriages, he breaks women’s hearts, he cheats, he womanizes and still they come back for more. He’s that immoral, degenerate, shameful shit eating asshole who you pray every night will get run over by a bus.

And I can’t wait to be that asshole.

Weekend Update, Dealing with Anger, Aligning Myself

So last week I began regularly putting myself into alignment. This week I’m getting more disciplined about it. I’m going for three hours a week, which when you think about it, that’s pretty pathetic. So, between the time I spend at lunch break and after work, from Monday through Friday, my goal is three hours of putting myself into alignment, being out in the world, being around people, trying new places and things.

Yesterday I spent fifteen minutes at lunch walking around my business area and hanging out by the fountains across the street. It was very peaceful. In the evening, I checked out Abbot Kinney (parking is lame), went to a different supermarket and walked around downtown Manhattan Beach before coming home. There’s always something I can do, either explore, hang out, do something, whatever. The more varied and out of my comfort zone, the better.

I realize I’ve become a creature of habit lately, but when I make the effort to do different things, it tends to snowball. Last night I fired up an aromatherapy diffuser and did some Kundalini meditation. This is the kind of different I’m talking about, just living my life for me and enjoying the moments I can find.

The weekend was a little of everything. My wife and I went to a concert, which was pretty fun, except she pooped out early, so we missed most of their show. At least we weren’t fighting this time! I realized there are a LOT of desperate women out there and that my standards have gone up quite a lot. I also realized, even though I’m a real catch, I’ve got SUCH an attachment to the outcome, I’ve got my own “desperate” tattoo on my forehead. So I need to train myself to detach from the outcome and not be “looking for something to happen,” just enjoy the moment and whatever happens in that moment.

There was one good thing about Saturday, some “Law of Attraction” stuff working. I went to get my car from the night before and the parking fee was only $3! Proof that a positive mindset brings good things.

The rest of Saturday was utterly forgettable. I had a hangover, wifey had a huge hangover and the baby was cranky most of the day. To make matters worse, I had to spend most of the day cleaning the apartment, which I hate. This spilled over into Sunday, as she got up super early to do all this cleaning because her friend was visiting. Annoying. The visit from her old friend and her husband was really nice and I enjoyed seeing them a lot. After they left, though, I sat there and realized this weekend was a mixed bag at best, and as far as time-wise, mostly sucked.

I will say, whatever problems I’m having integrating the affirmations, despite the resistance, I’m seeing results with the Mrs. She’s WAY more into me lately. And I am a lot more indifferent.

That’s what made last night kind of troubling. It started Sunday, with me being annoyed with my lame weekend and her interrupting my morning, carried over to last night, with me being angry and having the same old negative thoughts of her exes and resentment of her, and into today, where my energy has felt largely off and I’ve had lingering anger.

I sat up meditating last night and thought maybe I just need to leave. Maybe the fact I have to sleep next to the embodiment of my negative emotions, and live in her apartment, is too much, and to really let go of the negative, I need to free myself.

I can let go of all the negative right where I am, and that would be the best. And I need to let go of all of it. I still have these worries about thinking of her sleeping with new guys after I leave. That kind of negative thinking, that kind of attachment, is what I need to let go of completely. And there is a dilemma. Of course I think about it now, because she’s here next to me. Wouldn’t my being apart from the situation eliminate that worry? I don’t obsess over any of my exes having sex. I know they do, I just don’t worry about it. And if I had my own life with my own things going on, I wouldn’t care about my wife, either. It’s the proximity, there’s going to be some attachment.

The source of this resentment is my guilt and shame. Somehow I think it’s wrong to want to live the life I want to live, or that I need to justify it. I don’t. I could come up with a list of “reasons” why I should leave and live the life I want to live, but I don’t need one. I can just choose to live my life. I have a duty to live my life. I can do it without any justification, regret or guilt. I have every right to live my life. Focusing on that will go a long way toward letting go of the attachment and all the accompanying negative emotions.

Thirteen Affirmations from My Explorations

I've been going out and about during lunch break and after work and I've compiled a list of thirteen affirmations, to go along with my other affirmation work, to deal specifically with the thoughts and emotions that came up during my goings on:

1. Uncertainty is my opportunity.

2. I believe in myself.

3. Whatever happens, I’ll handle it.

4. I face all my fears.

5. I face conflict with a calm confidence.

6. I face confrontation with a calm, positive energy.

7. I am unflappable.

8. When women confront me with their energy, I know it’s on.

9. I deserve to live the life I want to live.

10. I do what I want. Fuck what others think.

11. I have every right to be me.

12. I love being me – I love being different – fuck what others think.

13. I play by my own rules.

Two Week Assessment - A Lot of Resistance, A Lot of Results

Here I am at the end of two weeks of this program. I’ve seen a lot of results, but I’m also seeing there’s a TON of negativity inside me. I don’t really understand why – I’m a great looking guy with a good personality and a ton of things going for me. Even in the midst of my worst emotional periods, I got women. The times when I’ve been able to drop the negative shit, I’ve seen the attraction right before my eyes. So there’s no doubt this works, and there’s no doubt in my mind I can be VERY good with women once I finally let go of all that negative shit and am just being me and living a congruent life.

So yesterday I’m feeling really good and good things are happening. I left a note for the big obnoxious truck parked on our street and it’s gone – yes!! I got my hair cut by Monica, I got beer at BevMo, and even went back and paid for a mini keg they didn’t charge me for. I had a great parent-teacher conference with my older son and it was very positive. Traffic was good. Got a barbell pad for doing squats, got the connectors for the beer tap, got hair dye (even got a recommendation on something better to try), got groceries and still came home at a decent time. But for some reason, it felt a little off. That's the internal resistance.

Then last night I had a long, tedious discussion with my wife over my oldest son, went to bed without getting laid or jacking off and without doing any affirmations. I had dreams about being alone and desperate, real bummer dreams. I was super tired this morning and kind of bummed out, feeling a little sad. After some affirmations and coffee, I feel much better. I do feel like this is working, and I was a pretty fucking awesome guy before I started doing any of this PUA shit, so I wonder what it’ll take to just let go of the negativity and accept what I want in life?

I think the discussion with my wife put things on a bad note and I didn’t take the time to end things on a high note so I’d go to bed in a good state. I still have to work very hard to get myself to think positive. The good news is it’s taking less and less effort to turn my thoughts to the positive, so things are getting better. I guess I’m a little surprised that there’s so much resistance, since I was always pretty attractive, so there's no need for the negativity, but I will make the transformation and it’ll be amazing.

One cool thing I’ve noticed is that lately things have been “going my way.” I’ve been getting the little breaks, like getting the elevator, getting a check in the mail, the truck moving, the very successful shopping experience, the bike ride and dinner on Sunday and things at work. It’s been cool noticing how the world around me is reflecting more positively back to me. The Law of Attraction works!

Pulling myself into alignment

One of the cool things that's come about from starting these affirmations is my mind is coming up with ways to bring myself into alignment. Last week I went to the Santa Monica Pier and yesterday I scouted around to see how I could rollerblade on my lunch break. Not so much about getting chicks as doing something fun and different.

Last night I went to the Howard Hughes Center and checked it out - man, what a zoo! Then it dawned on me how I can be in alignment. I can start doing my writing at the coffee places around town. So every day now for at least fifteen minutes, I'm going to find a popular coffee place or bookstore and just sit and write. Gets me out in the world, gets me writing again, doing something I love.

So there's a couple interesting changes there.

There's also a cigar lounge at the Howard Hughes Center, so I'll pay a visit every now and then.

I'm also finding my mind thinking differently. I feeling that old mischevious kid in me coming out again. So I'm going to go with it, find little ways to cause trouble and have fun like I used to do, and just carry that attitude around.

Another thing, I just feel more assertive. There's this big truck some mouth breather parked in our crowded neighborhood. So I left a note saying it's very inconsiderate to park here and suggested a better location for his work truck. I also left my name and address, since I don't believe in anonymous notes and what's he going to do?

My thoughts right now are "I'm a sexy motherfucker," "I'm the sexy bad boy women really want," and "I'm a mischevious little bastard."

Resistence, Results

Wow, I didn't realize how much negative shit I'm holding onto. Right now it's kind of a giant tennis match in my mind. Saturday there were moments it felt really good, I felt a good shift, I was getting attention, I made this great connection with a cute waitress that was just SO easy, and everything's going good.

So Saturday night, I came back from my son's basketball game and I must've been having mixed feelings, because this carload of beautiful girls was checking me out and I ended up getting this weird scared feeling. My energy was all off, but it's obvious the stuff works. It was like - holy shit, this stuff works, and I wasn't ready for it. I didn't feel worthy.

And my wife really wanted me all weekend. She was super horny for me. So it's working, but something in me was off. I came early Saturday and Sunday night, and I haven't had this happen in a while. So my body's rejecting the affirmations, but between that and the results, it's clear the seeds have been planted and starting to take root. But my wife was really INTO me this weekend, so it's working!

Last night I had kind of a restless night. I had a lot of inner turmoil over this lifestyle change, a lot of internal challenging and having to talk to myself and tell myself I am a sexy motherfucker. Just a lot of internal emotional challenges.

I'm just going to work through it, keep going. What's cool is that I still carry a ton of negative shit, but even though I haven't scratched the surface in changing my lifestyle, changes are happening. The possibilities are fucking endless.

Fighting the Resistance: Day Nine of "Magnetic Mindset"

My mind is fighting this, but I can feel that the positive thinking is taking root. Yesterday I went to Third Street and the pier. It was fun, kind of exploring and thinking of fun things I could do on my lunch break sometime. But the “connections” weren’t really there.

Then I went to the grocery store and boom, right behind me in line, here’s this cute girl who starts up a conversation. So it’s working, even though I don’t “feel sexy” right now. A lot of conflict. Later in the evening I went to Sharkeez in MB and a girl came right next to me to get drinks. Again, kind of the same thing, so I feel it’s working somehow but I don’t “feel different.” I feel better, I’m happier, but there’s still a lot of negativity.

Last night I didn’t sleep well. A lot of conflicting thoughts. Now I’m thinking that I should leave my wife, going back and forth on whether these affirmations are ever going to work and whether I can really “be the man,” and thinking that I don’t really take risks. Is what I’m doing “stepping out” or “backsliding?” This is good, because it means the “new thoughts” are getting through and having an effect. The resistance means the thoughts are working. I’m just surprised that, after everything I’ve done, there are so many strong, negative thoughts.

I’m now saturating myself with the affirmations, listening to them in the car and at work. I’ve also started two sets of affirmations, to attack the negative thinking head-on. I’m going to pay attention to the thoughts and refute the negative thinking.

I also make a point now to go out during lunch break, even if only for 15 minutes, to put myself in alignment. I'll go to the bar once a week and go to a Whole Foods/ Trader Joe's or the mall twice a week. Maybe I'll fit a coffee shop in there somewhere. All to be in alignment.

I hope my wife follows through on her spending the weekend on her own. First, I need the autonomy and second, I can spend some time in super deep meditation and really attack this, kind of my own spiritual retreat, to clear my mind and just brainwash myself with these new thoughts.

The thought of her doing stuff like this on her own used to really bother me. I don't want to be in that kind of marriage where both people are so "independent" and doing their own thing, taking their own trips and that crap. Might as well be single, I can do my own thing and get laid, too, instead of having to choose between doing what I want and getting laid. But this doesn't bother me, I'm totally indifferent about it, because I'm pretty stoked about where my life is going, so I'm too happy with my life to care what the hell she's doing. So now I really know what "indifference" is, and can work on this.

One thing that’ll help is to stop “looking for it.” Stop demanding confirmation from the world and being attached to the outcome. Instead, I focus on making eye contact and establishing a connection with everybody, focus on positive thinking, do my affirmations, and put myself in alignment with what I want.

Attacking my own resistance

I'm finishing the first week of the "Magnetic Mindset" affirmations and I feel less confident, not more. I also feel very tired and sleepy. I used to think these things meant I was overdoing it, or that the exercises weren't helping. Now I realize it's my subconscious fighting against me - and it's getting tired of fighting. So I'm trying something to just wear out the part of my mind that's resisting, so I can just relax and accept change.

I started by listening nonstop to Cory Skyy's affirmations, over and over. I'm still doing my own affirmation exercises, too. Then I wrote out this, which I'm reading periodically:

I am tired of my negative thinking.
I am exhausted from struggling to hold onto my old thoughts and beliefs.
I am so tired of fighting these positive thoughts.
I am tired of fighting change.
I can’t hold onto my negative thoughts any longer.
The new positive thoughts are too strong and powerful to resist.
The new lifestyle is too strong and powerful to resist.
My mind is exhausted from holding on to the negative.
My mind is tired from resisting change.
My mind is ready to give up and let in the new reality.
My mind is ready to relax, rest, and let the powerful new thoughts take over.
My mind is ready to let go, to admit it was wrong, and to stop fighting the change.
My mind wants to rest.
There is no stopping the positive thoughts.
There is no stopping this change. It is irresistible.
It is time to relax and let go, to let in the new thoughts, to let go of the old thoughts.
It’s okay. My mind can rest now.
Everything will be okay.
The new thoughts will be great.
The new thoughts will give me comfort and security.
The new thoughts will give me happiness.
I can relax and let it happen.
My new life will be incredible.
My new life will be great.
My new life will provide me comfort and security.
I can be comfortable and secure amidst change.
I can let go and trust the change.
I am exhausted from resisting the new thoughts, so I won’t resist anymore.

I'm just going to wear out the part of my mind that's resisting change until it gives up and allows these new thoughts in. My being tired is a sign that I'm close to letting go. My negative mindset is near its breaking point, so it's time to double down and break it.

Internal Challenge: Do I Really Want This Lifestyle?

As I've been going through these killer affirmation projects, I'm noticing how subconscious is going back and forth between accepting and rejecting these affirmations. It's cool, things are going pretty much how Cory Skyy said they would.

Last evening I had one of those jealousy/ judgment moments, but I stuck with the self talk and rose above it. Then that night I had powerful thought challenging whether this new lifestyle was something I really wanted. I realized this is my subconscious saying "I don't deserve this," so I challenged it directly.

Today I wrote out kind of a "long affirmation," something I read throughout the day to fire me up. It is how I'm commited to this and everything I'm letting go in my life. It's about trusting the process and knowing that I'll become that man, that the dominoes are already falling. It's about focusing me on the things I need to be doing and thinking to get there.

Bottom line, things are really coming along. I know this will work.

Going Through the "Magnetic Mindset" Exercises: Day 4

So I've been doing the affirmations from Cory Skyy's "Magnetic Mindset" CD set for four days now, which isn't much, but since this comes right after I'd made a commitment to let go of everything and live a positive life, I'm more aware of certian things.

One observation is that my dreams have been cenetered around this dilemma of whether or not to accept and believe these affirmations. That's normal, for the mind to try to reject the affirmations. What's interesting is the dreams have become a little more positive every night.

I've had to accept that there's going to be times when the subconscious will actively fight me and It'll feel like "backsliding." There will be negative days. It's part of the process. Just relax and look at those days as opportunities to find more BS to throw out of my life.

One thing I've noticed is I haven't fought lately. I just don't get into that mindset. I'll be firm, I'll call BS when I see it, but I don't feel this overwhelming need to justify myself, I just let it roll and see it as the other person's problem.

Another thing that was interesting was when I was driving somewhere and stopped at a couple places, once for breakfast and once for coffee. In both places I made a connection with the woman behind the counter. And both times I just decided not to make any judgment. One of the women was what most guys would consider "overweight." And in the past I'd react, pull back and not keep the connection, because I'd be thinking this wasn't someone I'd want in my life.

But in this moment, I decided to just be in the moment and enjoy the connection, and it was a nice connection. It didn't matter if she was hot or not, old, young, married, whatever. I would stop thinking ahead and just enjoy the moment. I could decided what to do with that connection later, but just get in the habit of making that connection with as many people as possible throughout the day.

And it was cool. I had a nice connection with her, with another customer, with the much cuter barista, and just lost that whole attachment. I just enjoyed the energy without thinking about it, and it imspired me to try and do more of that on a regular basis, just to get used to being in the moment, not being attached, and not judging.

Another side effect is that I haven't cared whether or not my wife wants to have sex with me, not in the least. Some of that is because I've taken the time lately to learn to please myself better, something I highly recommend everybody learn to do, but a lot of it was just being happy with who I am and with my life to the point where it didn't matter.

Oh, and the side effect of that kind of indifference is - you guessed it - much better sex :-)

So the turning point on all this was when I took my focus off trying to be indifferent and focused instead on loving my life, believing in myself and being in the moment. Then indifference to the outcome seems to come more naturally.

The Sponge vs the Lake

Last night my wife and I had a discussion about my older son, whose been having a lot of academic and attitude problems at school lately. At some point I started feeling a little defensive and annoyed. She started talking about issues we've discussed ad nauseum in the past and I was starting to feel myself getting frustrated.

I had always interpreted these repetitions as attacks, that she was trying to put me down, trying to control me, trying to feel superior. But as I've let go of this illusion of a "game" and started really believing in myself, I saw around this. I was able to shift in the moment a little, recover, and see what the problem was.

I was able to rise above a little and see that this seemingly endless repetition on her part is because she doesn’t feel I’m really listening to what she’s saying. She’s wanting acknowledgment that I have received and appreciate what she’s saying. She needs to feel valued and respected. It’s not about control, it’s about recognition, value and appreciation.

All this time I thought it was an attack, it was really her seeking respect and value from me. She wanted to feel that I appreciate and respect her opinions, that I value her advice and am appreciative of her as a mother.

But up to now I thought these things were about me. I would take what she was saying as insults and either absorb them, degrading myself, or reject them, attacking her. I was being a sponge, absorbing the comments, treating them as criticism and judgment, until I was overfilled and then I'd wrench everything out in a big explosion.

Eliminating the concept of attachment, eliminating the concept of judgment, shame and guilt, believing fully in myself, getting rid of the idea that there's some game or power struggle when I have all the power within me, I could rise above and see that what she was looking for, what we're mostly all looking for, is reflection, not absorbtion.

I was being the sponge when she wanted the lake.

A sponge absorbs until it can't absorb any more. Then it spills out all the stuff it's accumulated in a gooey mess. A sponge is useful, but people don't like sponges and they don't respect them. A sponge gives nothing to the world, only takes, and for its taking, the sponge itself gets nothing but crap.

A lake, on the other hand, reflects. It keeps its shape and nature no matter whether it's the sun, the clouds, some bear or your cheesy coworker with the moustache looking into it. The lake is beautiful reflects its beauty into the image it reflects. A lake is strong, powerful, desirable, beautiful, peaceful and peace-giving. People come to the lake.

She was wanting to see a reflection of herself in me. She wanted to see that I saw and appreciated her as she was and could shine that back to her with my own beauty. She might be talking crap about me, but that doesn't change me. I just reflect back, unaffected, reflecting her back, appreciating her, bringing my own light and beauty into her reflection so she can feel appreciated and understood.

She didn't want control. Most people don't. They'll take it if that's all they can get, but what people really want is to be seen, heard and appreciated. After my little shift, I began to do just that. Pretty amazing.

It’s about continuing to rise above, to value and believe in myself so deeply that whatever anybody says has no effect whatsoever on me. It’s about letting go of my self-consciousness and self-doubt and just appreciating the moment. Then I can truly listen and value what she says.

Letting Go, Building the Momentum

I know it's early, but I'm already seeing a lot of positive effects of this major life decision.

As I've begun to let go of all judgment, shame and guilt, I've found my natural voice - in snippits, but it's there. Like at the gym, I just felt really comfortable, spoke up openly without thinking about it, even engaged in a political debate with a stranger for the heck of it.

At work, I was speaking up without hesitation.

And I've been feeling so much more relaxed and peaceful. I don't think as much, I just do, and I appreciate the awesome day so much more.

So it's starting to build some momentum. I feel better about myself and my life, so I feel comfortable letting go of some of the BS I've been holding onto; letting go of the BS allows a little more of my natural self out into the world; by letting more of my natural self out, I feel better about myself and my life; which leads me back to part 1 of the cycle.

The payoff makes it well worth the effort.

The Biggest Step to Freedom: Lose All Judgment

Do not judge.
Do not judge women or how they act.
Don’t judge whether they’re pure or obnoxious.
Don’t judge things people do which make me happy.
Don’t judge things people do which make me angry.

Do not judge her friends
Do not judge people’s attitudes toward life

Don’t judge things I disagree with
Don’t buy into things presented to me by society

Do not judge myself
Do not judge how other people perceive me
Do not judge how society perceives me
Do not judge what I should be doing right
Do not judge what I should be doing wrong

Let go of all expectations
Let go of all attachment to a particular attitude or action
Be real in the moment
Be real with myself

Lose all concept of shame and guilt
Lose all concept of judgment and indignation
Lose all concept of right and wrong and replace it with in or out – take what I want in life, reject what I don’t, and be completely happy with this choice. No reservations, no regrets. There is nothing to lose except the burdensome and unnecessary concept of judgment.

I am not right. I am not wrong. I am not good. I am not bad. I just am.
The moment I lose my attachment to this concept of judgment and replace it with a mindset that’s aligned with what I really want, that’s the moment I can begin to really live my life for me.
Carefree.

Don’t judge. Ever.

A Complete Break-Down

I was really looking forward to this vacation as a time to relax, rest, meditate and get back to doing some of the fun things I've missed doing. Instead, it became a tiring, disappointing, often boring period on the one hand, and enlightening on the other.

I was able to work out maybe three times during the vacation, and I got into fights over even going to the gym, because I missed a call from my kid's daycare while I was working out. So the exercise idea was a disappointment. I lied to my family to get out of Christmas so we could go to my wife's friends instead, which was fine enough, except for the lying part, which I hated.

And of course, what did my accomodating her by going to her friends instead of seeing my family? Another fight.

I made plans to go skydiving. Didn't go, because the baby might possibly get sick again. So skydiving - no. Another fight? Oooooh yeeeeeah!

Great fucking vacation so far, huh?

Then my wife and baby both got sick - again - while I had to deal with my older son's medical issues (he's pretty much fine, but physical therapy and procedures). Didn't get into a fight with the Mrs. this time, just a text fight with her idiot coworker who has no concept of personal boundaries.

Then New Years Eve, cut short because - yep- wifey felt ill. I got my revenge by getting plastered and throwing up like I was in my twenties.

So pretty much endless bullshit for two weeks. Not a lot of rest, relaxation, exercise and certainly not much of doing what I wanted to do. But I did have some time to meditate, and that may have made this the most important vacation ever.

Early on in the vacation I came to the conclusion that I created all this bullshit in my life with my bullshit thoughts. Everything I've been dealing with - every disappointment, every fight, every wasted day, was a product of my thinking.

In that moment, I finally admitted that I needed to completely let go of everything, that the problems, the "lousy luck," the disappointments, were a product of my own internal BS. I needed to let go of everything, realize that everything I thought I knew was wrong, and just let it all go.

Everything that I think I've "built," has been BS that has caused me grief and sadness. All these thoughts, all this worrying, all this trying to be right, it's all been layer upon layer of BS, and it all must go.

I need to let go of everything - everything. The things I really want or need will come back to me, but I need to lose everything. I need to really have nothing to lose, no attachment, no expectation, no wanting of anything.

I realize that the Law of Attraction is absolutely true. The more I try to control my world, the more karma just kicks my ass for trying and undoes my plans, mocking my efforts. The more I let go, the more comes to me naturally.

So the first step is to undo everything. I wrote some thoughts I put into my iPhone over the vacation. I focused on two things in my meditation: First, love myself and my life unconditionally. Second, let go of everything else.

Here's what I wrote during the two weeks:

Lose all attachments. Lose all wanting. Lose all ownership or need for control.

Everything I think I know is wrong.

There is no game to win.

Let go of everything I'm afraid to lose.

Eliminate concept of approval and disapproval. All approval is from within and lose all concept of self disapproval.

Eliminate concept of being right or wrong. There is no right or wrong, good or bad, just is. Things are either in or out, I accept things or don't. That's it.

Replace all complaining with positive self talk and gratitude

Grow my power from within. Never grab power nor give it away.

Live life with no regrets. Fuck it, just do it.

Completely love and accept myself without the old bullshit I've been hiding in.

Clear mind of all conscious thought. Trust my subconscious mind.

So I started integrating these concepts into everything. I'd read the list, maybe add a little to it, several times a day. I'd stop myself at every negative thought and insert a positive affirmation. I'd think about every fear, what's attached to it, and let it go.

I'm visualizing a life where all that BS is gone, it's just me doing, not thinking, not worrying, and the fog is lifted, and the universe is bringing the abundance and happiness I really want in my life. I picture myself completely living in the moment as I go about getting rid of all the things getting in the way of me and that moment.

I'm reminding myself what a great guy I am, what an awesome life I live, and how grateful I am for those experiences.

So this shitty vacation's turned out to be a gift. It took the crappiest vacation of my life to force me to wake up and GET a life. And for that I'm grateful.