Guilt Over Living My Life, Update

Saturday night the wife was asleep so I went out, just to walk around, be in the world and just get a sense of living my own life. I really enjoyed just being out and about, taking in the scene, taking in the natural beauty of the beach. It felt good. While I was out I noticed all these houses and apartments with people inside sitting there watching TV. Here we have this big beautiful world full of amazing things to see and do and all these people are sitting around being lame, right in the middle of it.

And I got angry because I realize that’s been me, too. I’ve been talking about putting myself into the moment, and frustrated that I’ve compromised myself into this lame existence, but I haven’t done anything to start giving myself that life I want and really living it the way I want to.

Lately I’ve been focusing on presence, on really being in the moment, owning myself and my emotions, and being who I am instead of letting my thoughts and emotions control me. This really works well with the Sedona Method, so I’m doing these together, letting go of things that are holding me back and really being in the moment.

I really had to convince myself to go out, and I felt guilty for doing it. I also felt this needy feeling, that I should have accomplished some sort of goal, like meeting new women, instead of just experiencing the evening and enjoying myself.

And it’s these very thoughts that I want to free myself from – these are the leakages of my energy, that suck the life out of me.

Then on the Fourth, again, the wife was asleep ridiculously early, so I went out, enjoyed the multitudes in our neighborhood and watched the fireworks. Again, there wasn’t a goal, just getting out, enjoying myself, feeling the energy of the crowds, appreciating the experience and feeling myself in the moment. When I was not being present, my thoughts were:

If I’m single again, these affirmations won’t work. I’ll just be back to struggling with this like I always do. I really don’t believe in myself.

If I’m going out and really being myself and enjoying the experience, I’ll be happy, and that’s all I want in life. This isn’t about whether or not I get women and it never was. That’ll take care of itself. It’s about living a life I enjoy and really expressing myself.

I felt guilty for going out.

I was afraid my wife would find out and be upset.

There’s a lot of room for removing stumbling blocks. I take the negative thoughts from these experiences as really great opportunities, so I’m grateful. I’m not upset that I discovered these negative thought patterns or that I’m “failing.” I want to be more present with myself and I am – I was listening to my thoughts without internalizing them and making them me. I was observing, even if just a little and in moments. This is great.

Clearly I have a lot of fear, guilt and obligation feelings around my wife, and perhaps this applies to all relationships with women, this “tied down” feeling, this need to please/ fear of displeasure.
I have in my mind an expectation that I struggle with women, that I’m not attractive, that they don’t like me, that I’m not that sexy stud. I expect to be mediocre with women.

Moreover, I expect to be mediocre in life. I expect things to go wrong with my career, to not get what I want, to fall short.

And there’s also a real desire to really express myself, to really be myself and live my life authentically. I’m more in my body, feeling the sensations, feeling my emotions, and that’s awesome. I’m more in the moment, separate from my thoughts and emotions, observing, in touch with something larger. I’m owning my desire. I’m releasing blockages.

I’ve noticed as I’ve gained momentum in releasing negative beliefs and being present that my attitude and behavior has changed for the better. I feel much more calm and confident about myself, more determined to get what I really want in life. I feel much more present and in the moment sexually, which is making the sex much better. And I’m seeing my life from a different perspective. I see where I’m “giving to get,” and where I’m compromising when I shouldn’t, and why.

One reason I compromise when I shouldn’t is when the sex is good. I’m somehow seeing that great sex makes it okay to accept less of what I want in “other aspects” of the relationship, but this is bullshit. Sex is a mutual joy and so is not part of anything as far as compromising goes. Either my sex life is satisfying or it isn’t. And if it is, I don’t owe her a damned thing in any other aspect of the relationship. And if it isn’t, no amount of “other things” I could get in a relationship will make up for it.