Self-Discovery: I've Been Risk-Averse and Resistant to Change

I can talk the talk but, inside, I haven't been walking the walk, and that's why it's been such an effort to turn things around.

A couple days ago, I went to the beach and did some releasing on my goals. The goals I released on are:

I allow myself to be the sexy stud every woman wants to fuck.

I allow myself to be completely carefree and in the moment.

I allow myself to be the man I really am and live the life I truly want to live.

I allow myself to be the mayor.

I thought about each one separately, felt whatever negative emotions came out, discovered the source of that emotion, and let that want go. What kept coming up was that, even though I talk about taking risks and making changes, and want to change and let things go, instinctively I've been very resistant to change and taking real risk.

And it's this resistance that's been the reason why making real, permanent change has been so difficult, why I'd keep going back to an unhappy situation and doing things I don't want to or don't like. I haven't been seeing myself as the man who is truly good enough to deserve the life I want and to pull it off. This doubt leads to a desire for security, so I gravitate toward the FALSE SECURITY of what's known and acceptible, instead of the REAL SECURITY that comes from being secure in myself and solidly on my true path of happiness.

I've been afraid of risk, because I doubt my ability to handle things, even though when I've been on my path and motivated, I've surpassed even my own expectations for myself. I've been afraid of change because I haven't seen myself as worthy (shame, guilt) or able to achieve my desires ("not good enough"). Well, that's total bullshit, too, and I don't need to spend months to come to that conclusion, it's just not true.

I'm getting more than I expect in life because I don't see myself as the amazing man I really am. And what I'm getting is still far less than I can achieve and what I deserve. So even when I think I'm doing good, I'm still settling!

This was an awesome revelation, because it completely explains my life up to now, how I'd reach "levels" and then "backslide" into mediocrity. The best part is it points the way out of this, that I don't have to keep living in fear of "backsliding" or doubting that I can make a permanent change.

So I began focuing internally on three things:

1. Believing in myself at a deep level. Rejecting and reframing the old "can't handle it/ not good enough" beliefs and fully accept the amazing man I am. This is affirmations/ self hypnosis/ conscious reframing, and very focused.

2. Accept and enjoy risk taking. Refram risk as the opportunity for success, not the risk of failure. Totally turn around the entire concept of risk into opportunity. This is partly affirmations and partly actually choosing risk at every opportunity.

3. Embrace change. Reframe away from the loss of what is to the acceptance of what I truly want. Things are getting better and better every day the more I allow myself and my life to change. This is mostly an attitude shift to following my past instead of worrying about what I don't like or what I could lose.

This process also involved releasing all wanting of security and wanting of approval - keep releasing over and over and over and feel that shift. It's an awesome feeling. Later I'll write about my experiences in this mindset where I let everything go and just be who I really want to be, letting go of all desire for approval and security.