Just Being Happy

This year's been a strange one, a lot of challenges and feeling like I'm going over the same issues again and again. I am making progess in this journey, though, but it's like switchbacks up a mountain, you go a long ways without gaining a whole lot of altitude, but you're making progress.
I've had a TON of challenges this year. I changed jobs; my father-in-law got sick and passed away (with months of travel, moving him to So Cal, and struggles in between); huge fights with the wife; sick baby; now my older son is having some medical problems, not to mention school issues.

In the midst of this I've been going through the "evolution process" while dealing with all these issues. So on the one hand, I feel like I've been tested more than I ever have, and on the other, I feel like it's been a process of struggling just to stay in place with my goals.

I tried "being the mayor," with some success, but had to stop my training to deal with other stuff. I worked on being more present with my emotions, "being a yes" and being more in touch with my needs, but again, felt overwhelmed with other parts of my life and didn't feel like I could really give my training the attention it needed to take root.

So I went through a period of depression, where I kind of backslid on my social progress. I wasn't very chatty at the company Christmas party, didn't really want to go out, just bummed about things. It doesn't help that my energy level tends to drop during the winter anyhow, but there was something else going on here - I was drained.

Between all the emotionally and physically draining things I was going through, and the hard-core neurology scrambling programs I was undertaking, I was fried. My brain and emotional system was overtaxed and needed a break. It was getting to the point where I just wanted to sleep and do nothing.

I could have been really depressed, thinking that I'm just as bad as when I started, that I'd never really change, that I was destined to always end up the shy, quiet type. But that's not it at all. I was being very low-energy (VERY low enery) at the Christmas party, but without the self-consciousness. I was just there, enjoying my mellow self, enjoying just being there, and not caring about what anybody thought. I knew I wasn't being social and I was okay with myself and okay with what I was doing. I lost the need to force myself to interact, to think less of myself, or to set some kind of agenda. I was just there, having a good time, without any attachment.

It wasn't where I want to be, but I was perfectly fine with where I was.

Then last week I went out and had my own happy hour at a bar in Hermosa Beach. Again, I was just chill, hung out, enjoyed my beer and the vibe, made eye contact with the people there, made a little small talk, and just felt peaceful. I didn't care at all what happened, I really didn't feel like talking or moving around, so I didn't, and I just enjoyed the moment for what it was.

Again, I was just happy being who I was doing what I was doing - which wasn't much of anything - and expecting nothing.

Driving home it hit me. All this stuff about "Being the Mayor," "losing attachment," and the "Law of Attraction" have at their core a strong sense of self-acceptance and a love of life. I could have easily viewed these experiences as failures, that I'm backsliding socially, that there's something wrong with me. Instead, I was happy. I was choosing to be this way and I was perfectly happy with it.

Now, some of you will say that the only thing that's changed is I've evolved into a delusional quiet, shy guy, but that's so not true. I was definately low-energy, but I just didn't treat it as some kind of handicap. I rolled with it and really enjoyed myself in my low-energy state. I didn't give up my power, I didn't need anything, I felt complete.

For me, that's a HUGE breakthrough! Even when I've been "on" I've felt twinges of self-consciousness at bars and parties. Here, none. I wasn't the shy, awkward guy in the corner, I was the relaxed, quiet guy hanging out and laying low. It was a cool feeling, because I used to let my "low energy" moments keep me from enjoying life, but this is a cool shift!

So now I'm focused completely on loving and accepting myself and loving and living my life. And I'm building this on a very strong and tested foundation. I've integrated all the work and all the crap I've gone through this year into feeling really damn good about myself and my life. And I can see how I can reach out from that place of strength and bring into my life the things I really want and need.

So I'm repeating variations of these affirmations every moment I stop and think about it:

I am now living the best life possible, without a care in the world. I feel happy, friendly, relaxed and excited about life.

I realize now I am an amazing, attractive, sexy man who has the world by the tail. I feel happy, loving, secure and proud of myself.