After a few happy weekends, some real sadness

The past few weekends have been great. The weekends with my older son over have been fun, rewarding and stress-free, something I dreamed of happening but looked like a pipe dream not too long ago.

I've relaxed about the relationship and apparently the "no attack" rule is working and I've been feeling like I can finally relax and enjoy myself in this relationship, that I can kick back sometimes and feel like I'm at home.

Even our sex life has been getting better. I've lost all the attachment and anger related to sex and just relax, go with the flow, and enjoy whatever happens. We've even been having sex when my older son is over, which used to never happen! One change I've made is learning to please myself. I took a task out of the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book and have been giving myself pleasure, just for pleasure's sake. Guess what? It feels pretty awesome!

So all these things were going well, I'm still doing the meditations and going through the books "Non Violent Communication" and "No More Mr. Nice Guy," making real progress. We finally had our first marriage counseling session, and actually had a good discussion.

Then things started turning. At first I came away from the session thinking this was a good meeting, but later had this uneasy feeling that I was resigning myself to a life I really don't want and that I deserve better. It was this nagging feeling, like the feeling I got when I listened to the John Alanis program and wanted to return it, except stronger. The "happy bubble" kind of burst and I started thinking maybe I was being too Polyanna.

Then I got an email from my ex wife - my poor little boy has these awful neck problems from a prior injury when he was a little baby. It made me so sad, because this boy has been through so much. I sobbed when I first got the news. As I thought about it, I realized this is good, because my son can be fixed and live a better life. But he didn't deserve any of this and he's in all this pain and never knew the difference!

So today I've been in a funk, sad because I'm sensing that the reality of this marriage is a life I'm not going to want to live, and sad for my son. I'm going to just be sad until the feeling passes, be really present with it. There's some really deep sadness and hurt around my older son, and around the direction of my own life, too, so this is a good time to just be present, be sad, work though it and discover the lesson on the other side.

I'll be alright. It's a good thing.

Marriage - One Last Try

So the Mrs. and I are going to counseling this weekend. I'm not at all optimistic about things working out with us, mostly because I don't think I'll be happy with this marriage even if we magically solve all the "issues."

It's gotten to the point that battle lines are being drawn. My parents have seen how she acts toward me and my son, and heard some of the stories. My dad was kind of hostile to her when we visited last weekend, which was unusual for him. But they have a great point - this marriage has sucked ass all this time, and I've stayed in it hoping that it would get better after the next "test."

It isn't getting better. I'm more and more resentful and angry, although I'm finally starting to do something about it. I'm not putting up with her crap, period. It's helping me feel a lot better, but it's exhausting calling her out over and over on everything during a discussion. I guess I've been putting up with a lot of crap over this marriage. Yikes.

Back to the battle lines. Not only do my parents see it, but one of my brothers visited in the summer and was surprised to see her "ugly side." Now he's really worried for me, and especially my son.

And now, despite the fact she made this stupid rule about me not sharing details of our marriage with my parents, she's gone and aired our dirty laundry to one of her friends. I actually don't mind, I think having someone to talk to is important and thought the original rule was bullshit, but it's the idea that it's okay for her, but not for me.

On the plus side, I don't have to worry about ever having to waste my vacation time driving up to see this friend of hers, which was always a nightmare. Now I don't ever want to see her friend again, so my vacation time is mine!

All of this points to impending doom for the marriage. At this point, I see no reason to fight destiny on this one. I'm going to go back to living the life I was living before she hijacked it with the unwanted pregnancy and all the other ensuing crap. I'm going skydiving again in two weeks - yay!! I'm reconnecting with friends. I'm starting to spend more time with family. I'm going out to happy hour tonight (because I don't want to face another "discussion" with her, and I certainly don't want to face it sober). I'm not doing nice things for her anymore. I'm absolutely refusing to put up with her negativity, and calling it out everytime I see it. I'm even going back to drinking green tea.

My gut says that this "Big Me" is not going to sit well with her controlling, confrontational nature and this will either become too much of a drain for me or she'll get frustrated and leave. And I'm totally okay with that. Now is the time to live life the way I want to live it and let things either live or die as nature intended.

I'm betting the marriage doesn't make it to March.

A Shift to Assertiveness

I wouldn't exactly call this a great weekend, but I woke up today with a solid internal shift. I feel very focused, confident and assertive, very on my path and unconcerned about the opinions of others. It doesn't mean I've figured out exactly what it is I want to do, but I'm going through my day with a determined focus and a strong belief in myself and it feels very comfortable. Much less touchy-feely and more "aggressive masculine."


And it's not that I'm looking to fight. In fact, it's the opposite. I'm sick of the fighting, the internal and external conflict and the related bullshit. I'm sick of evaluating myself, questioning myself and doubting myself. I worked through the bullshit, found my core, realized it's solid, and now I'm going out into the world as myself with no apologies or excuses with a determination to instill peace and calm in my life and start living my life the way it's meant to be.


It's an aggressive alpha feel, but without the confrontational "wrecking ball" attitude. Just a strong command over my own life and not putting up with bad behavior from anybody, especially myself.


Saturday, wifey and I had a fight at my parents. My older son overheard my dad and me talking and told my wife to be nice to me because I'm under a lot of stress. She then got angry with me and told me she didn't think that was appropriate for a child to say. That's when I found that core. I told her (a little to my own surprise) that I was glad somebody was supporting me and that I was disappointed that she wasn't. I said she should be nice to me, that I am under a lot of stress, and that I was absolutely not going to apologize or grovel for what my son said.


Of course this led to a "discussion," and I finally said that was it, I wasn't going to tolerate any more conflict or argument in this relationship. If she needed to be assertive or confrontational, she'd have to find other avenues because, as of now, I absolutely will not engage in this behavior with her. (Again, I was impressed with myself, I don't know where that came from, but it was good.) We could either discuss things like grown-ups in a mature way or not at all. The next time it started turning into a conflict or attack, I'd simply up and leave the room and she could find me when she was ready to start acting like a grown-up.


Now, I'm not saying it's her fault at all. I don't give a shit whose fault it is - blame it all on me, I'll sign the fucking confession. Just no mas. I refuse to live like this, and that means cutting off that behavior forever and for good both in myself and removing myself from the situation if someone else starts up with it.


And I've got to say, that kind of decisive, forceful commitment felt really good. And she appreciated it! We ended up having a very nice, calm, reasonable discussion, being close the rest of the weekend, and we had peace. By this morning, I felt strong again.


It just took me getting to the point where I could either break or finally stand up and make a commitment to change and insist on it, fully commit to it myself, just say no and walk away from the bullshit, not the person. It's a nice shift.

So now I finally feel like I have my legs under me, that I can focus on myself and my path and not worry about making sure I'm accomodating others. It'll be fine, whatever happens. And I'm going to be determined but patient with myself, allow myself to feel stronger, to build this and allow my path to come to me.

No More Mr. Nice Guy - An Intense Realization

Sometimes the truth can come at you so hard you have to step back. This post is going to be very personal because I got hit in the face this week with a powerful truth. At first, it hurt, but now I feel very hopeful about living an authentic, happy life going forward.

I was recommended the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover (www.monormrniceguy.com) in my last AMP coaching session. At first, I didn’t think it would be that useful to me, mainly because I haven’t been very nice lately. Well, I got the book and I was floored at just how much that book hit the mark.

I’ve found myself underlining two-thirds of the book! So much for skimming.

First, there was the list of characteristics of the “Nice Guy Syndrome,” and the ones that apply to me:

Nice Guys seek approval from others. Most everything I’ve been doing has been to seek outside approval or validation, and I’m seeing just how deep it goes.

Nice Guys avoid conflict. I can’t remember how many times I’ve avoided subjects (especially with regard to my son) that I thought would upset my wife. Oh, but it gets better! Because Nice Guys often use sex as a means of personal validation (something I recently discovered about myself prior to reading the book), they’ll avoid doing anything that might cause their woman to be “not in the mood,” and if she’s upset, they’ll do anything to fix it. I could write a whole post just on this nugget.

Another example, just the other night, I was so afraid to talk to her about my son’s weekend schedule, again for fear of causing conflict. Even though I knew the right thing to do, it was still something I really wanted to avoid. Yes, it did result in a conflict, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and I didn’t give in to the urge to immediately resolve the conflict and make her feel all better. So in the end, I asserted what I wanted, kept my power, let her work through her anger, and felt much better about things. So that was a positive example of “doing the opposite,” and something I wouldn’t have done if I was primarily concerned with making sure I got laid instead of getting my needs met.

Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes. Yep. Can’t let people find out I’m imperfect, or a geek, or whatever.

Nice Guys seek the “right” way to do things. In my case, looking outside to see whose “doing it right” before doing anything.

Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women than to men.

Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority. Or, in my case, even admitting to myself what my needs are.

Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center. Um, yah. Just look at my BLOG!

I had a really intense feeling when I went through that list and found in about 80% congruence with the list. I realized this was ME he was writing about. On the one hand, I felt intense sorrow that I’d been living such a compromised existence and on the other, I felt this realization that I could finally understand myself and get myself out of this situation.

The other thing he talks about - and keep in mind this is just the first chapter – is the “Dark Side” of being a nice guy. And here’s where it got really intense for me. I’d just had a huge fight with my wife and said some nasty things. I’ve felt so much rage toward her lately and been this awful person. So I thought, how can a guy whose so angry and mean-spirited possibly be a “Nice Guy?” Then he goes down the list of the “Dark Side,” and these are the ones that fit me:

Nice Guys are dishonest. They hide their mistakes and say what they think people want to hear.

Nice Guys are secretive. They are so driven to seek approval they will hide anything they believe might upset anyone.

Nice Guys are compartmentalized. For example, separating my past affair from the “good deeds” I’m doing for my wife.

Nice Guys are manipulative. They have hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want clearly, so they feel powerless and result to manipulation.

Nice Guys are controlling, in order to keep their world smooth.

Nice Guys give to get, and expect some kind of reciprocation.

Nice Guys are passive-aggressive.

Nice Guys are full of rage, a rage which tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times.

Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries, and instead feel like victims.

Nice Guys are frequently isolated.

Nice Guys are attracted to people and situations that need fixing.

Nice Guys are terrible listeners because they are too busy trying to figure out how to defend themselves or fix the other person’s problem.

Nice Guys form relationships with partners who are “projects” or “diamonds in the rough.”

Nice Guys have issues with sexuality. They’re dissatisfied with their sex life, have a sexual dysfunction, etc. So, so true. While I know I’m unhappy and have needs that aren’t being met, and while I don’t even want to STAY in this relationship, I STILL can’t get myself to be assertive about what I want sexually. Still stuck.

Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful, and fail to live up to their full potential.

And Nice Guys tend to swing back and forth between the nice side and the dark side.

So, on both the "nice" and "not nice" characteristics, I could identify with 80% of the items on his list.

Oh wow!

After reading through all that, I had to put the book down and come to terms with this realization. It brought out so many intense emotions, thoughts and questions. After a couple days of really getting present and appreciating what I was feeling, I sensed this was the “heart of the matter” that I’d been searching for all this time.

The essence of “Nice Guy” thinking is “If I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be then I will be loved, get my needs met and have a problem-free life.” When it doesn’t work, Nice Guys try harder. Yep, that’s me. Even going through a lot of the seduction community work has been a search to find what others say a “successful man” should do.

Nice Guys also think they can figure it all out on their own and don’t ask for help. Mmm hmm.

The sticking point for Nice Guys is a deep-seeded belief that there is something inherently wrong with them which causes important people in their lives to abandon them. It is a “toxic shame” that one is inherently bad, defective, different or unlovable.

For me, it’s a deep belief that I’m a bad person, unattractive, un-cool and unlovable. That I don’t deserve to have needs and should be ashamed of them, that I don’t ask for my needs to be met, and nobody would ever want to give me what I want and need.

Just seeing that and realizing that this belief was formed very early in my life, before I had a choice, and that I’ve been carrying it around all this time, was profound. I felt sad and liberated all at once, sad because I realize how unfair I’ve been to myself and all the missed opportunities, and liberated because now I could begin to replace that lifelong belief with something positive and authentic.

Using this book in conjunction with “Non Violent Communication” has been amazing. I go through the book, these feelings come up, I can deal with them honestly. I can begin to see the need behind the feeling validate that need and create choice in how I get that need met.
Additionally, my Hypnotica meditations are more profound, because I can reprogram some very deep thoughts.

So what’s changed so far? Well, mostly, I’ve just been wrapping my head around this reality. But there have been a few a-has. First, my fear of other people, this sticking point with eye contact, I can see how my old belief and the approval-seeking behavior led to this fear, so I can give myself some approval and feel the fear just disappear for a while. In those moments, I get the sense “this is what normal feels like,” and it’s liberating and inspires me to keep going.

Another thing I’m doing is directly facing the bad emotions as they come up. Some thought triggers an emotion, and then up to now a response. Now I just allow that unpleasant emotion to stay there and really feel how it feels inside. Usually I’ll realize it’s not that bad of a feeling. In fact, eventually I’ll get bored with the feeling and just go on to something else – instead of responding, I just hold the emotion until I tire of caring about it, and then it slips back, but without the power it used to have.

It’s profound. I’ve been using this on feelings of jealousy and perceived wrongs with respect to my wife and it’s been awesome. I don’t have to “go there,” and these thoughts don’t bother me. Since they lack the power, there will be less and less reason to go back and access those thoughts. This may be a little off the “Mr. Nice Guy” topic, but it’s all blending together right now.

Musings over the Mrs.

It should be no surprise that we ended up having a fight Saturday night. Hey, it’s been a month, we were due, right? My football team had won, we were having a nice dinner before we go to the concert and out of the blue she starts in with this whole “why don’t you feel any joy” thing. But what really pissed me off was after that – she said “I feel sorry for you.”

Now, it would be one thing (still not cool, but better) if she were saying that from a place of compassion, but she wasn’t. I didn’t feel any compassion, just arrogance. She was trying to feel superior by claiming to feel sympathy. There was no caring, only judgment, which is her default, and it drives me fucking crazy.

First, I don’t like that she’s judgmental in the first place, it’s unattractive. Second, she’s not at all in a position to be pointing fingers at others, and it’s so frustratingly predictable that it’s someone who has no business judging others whose the first one to judge. Worst of all, she’s pulling this crap on me. Why would she want to try to be superior and judgmental toward her husband? I deeply resent being dragged into these power struggles with someone whose supposed to be on my team. Where’s the loyalty and devotion?

So I blow her off with a comment that I’m not going to get into arguments about things from the past. If only I could have stuck to my guns!

So then she tries again to be judgmental and superior, this time starting with the comment to me “you shouldn’t be unhappy, you’re very lucky, you know.” Okay, it’s one thing if I tell a woman I’m with that I’m lucky to have her in my life, that’s cool. It’s a whole other thing when someone else is telling me why they think I should feel lucky because they’re in my life. That’s arrogance, and it’s very UN-cool.

Again, I tried to blow it off, because I didn’t want to have an argument on our night out. I told her I would be the judge of what does and doesn’t make me happy in life, and I’ll decide whether or not I feel fortunate and grateful, thank you very much.

I could tell she didn’t like that, but she didn’t have an answer. I mean, what could she say? She wanted to tell me how to feel, but she realized first, that wasn’t going to happen and second, that it wasn’t reasonable to try and argue that point. She tried to keep it going and I added that “I was happy today, happy yesterday, happy the day before and, as far as I can remember, the day before that, too. I’m not going to let this little episode ruin my happiness and I’m not going to argue with you over whether or not I’m happy. Is there something I’ve done that’s caused this sudden attitude tonight?”

It didn’t get much better, and I was getting pissed that a perfectly good evening was being ruined over literally nothing, as this whole thing was a re-hash of an old argument that came out of the blue. Then I went to the bathroom, checked my texts and realized one of them was from our friends who were watching our son, so I came back and showed it to her. She got upset over that, asking if I’d rather be alone.

Things went from bad to worse at this point, because now I was pissed. Apparently, my not checking my texts at the dinner table was grounds for another fight, and it was equally apparent that she wasn’t going to be happy unless we fought like cats and dogs.

Stupid me, I obliged. I insisted we go to the concert and that I was sick of her attitude. I got pissed that she didn’t thank me for the dinner. Eventually I told her off for her not changing her name – telling me she was going to change her name then not following through. She said it was a pretty stupid deal-breaker and I told her it wasn’t her call to decide what is and isn’t a deal-breaker for me.

I told her the whole keeping letters and pictures of her exes and her not changing her name were red flags and I wasn’t going to live with that in my life. I didn’t want our son coming across her old letters and pictures and it’s not appropriate. I went further and said that promising to do something, like change her name, and then not doing it is a form of lying and that I was getting sick and tired of having to call her out on the constant lying and deceit.

So by the end, my brave attempt to refuse to get into an argument slid into my getting very, very hot and the evening being a complete disaster. On the plus side, I did make a strong effort to stand my ground and simply refuse to get into it. And also, there were a few things that needed to be said, so it wasn’t like I totally went off to la-la land. There’s very little of what I said that I take back now.

Interestingly, the thing that bothered her the most was when I called her a freeloader. Now, I don’t think she’s a total freeloader, but throughout this relationship she’s been pretty disrespectful of the fact that I’m on a budget. Through my own bad decisions, but also her inconsiderate behavior, I’ve racked up serious debt to pay for trips, presents, dinners and a bunch of other crap I *never* paid for with other women in my life, at least certainly not to that extent.

And, to be honest, yah, I do think she’s on the freeloader side. She’s said she’s used to guys buying her dinners and buying her expensive gifts. The next day, I repeated that and told her that isn’t cool, that not all women have that attitude, and that it’s “freeloader-ish.” She kind of backpedaled, but I can tell she’s not happy about being told that ain’t happening with me anymore.

At one point in the argument, she said I was “moody.” I thought about this and realized I wish I had agreed with her and defended my emotional nature better. Yes, I am emotionally expressive and emotionally connected. I express a wide range of emotions and I enjoy living life through my emotions and being expressive. I think she sees emotional detachment and disconnectedness as signs of strength, because she’s a cop, and most cops are not emotionally connected, because of their job. But the truth is, she loves the fact that I’m emotionally expressive, as do the huge majority of women. Far from being a sign of weakness, it’s part of being strong and grounded.

Where I’ve not been strong is when I’ve collapsed into my emotions, usually anger. This is an area for improvement, because collapsing really is more a function of impatience than weakness – I’m not being patient with myself and giving myself the time to explore and appreciate my emotional state and realize that I can be happy inside while experiencing this emotion, that I can have choice and not have the emotion run me, unless I want it to.

Now, while I did allow my anger to get the best of me at times the other night, I did feel I had a lot more choice around it and had very few regrets over how I behaved. I’m glad I expressed myself with passion, these were things that were hurting me for a long time and needed to be expressed fully.

So my biggest regret is that I didn’t more fully defend the way I live my life emotionally and be more proud of my emotional nature. Truth be told, my biggest problem with my wife is that she isn’t very emotionally connected or expressive, which again is probably because she’s a cop. She tends to mock emotions in others and I feel that we don’t have a real deep emotional connection, like the kind I need and expect in a relationship with a woman. The really sad thing is I don’t believe she is capable of offering that kind of connection to anybody, except perhaps our son. She says she loves me more than anybody else, which I believe is true, yet I feel such a lack of connection.

I’m not going to stop being an emotional man. Apparently, she isn’t going to start being an emotional woman. Sadly, that’s the main reason this marriage will end and why we’ve never been more than good friends with a strong physical chemistry from the beginning. I wish I had come to terms with this reality about myself and about us a lot earlier.

Ironically, I’m feeling a lot of sadness for her right now.

Blue

The cool calm of summer ocean, whose breeze gently relieves the sun’s afternoon heat. The royal ink rolling from my second-choice ballpoint. The shade of untold depths and unknown heights. The symbol of intelligence, the color of royalty and synonym for the celebration of suffering. I am clean and clear outside in the sky and water; I am smoky and dirty in the bar. The color of Dodger pride, my father’s eyes, my favorite pendant and a recycling box. I see shades in my baby boy’s eyes and wear shades in stripes across my favorite shirt. It’s even the background on my computer screen at work. It’s my color and sometimes my mood. Light and soft like summer sky, dark and deep like the winter sea; calm and peaceful like the lake, smooth and powerful like the river, raging and threatening like storm-whipped waves. Natural and artificial; tiny and endless; warm and frigid. Expressive. Strong. Primary. It is blue. I am blue.