Can Appreciation Reframe Fear of Crowds? Let's Find Out!

I don't know if it's the AMP coaching sessions or what I've been picking up in that Non Violent Communication book, but I'm finding I'm a lot more patient and present in dealing with my hangups. I'll actually take the time to explore them, instead of just trying to push them away.

So today, I go over to Third Street Promenade with the idea of just making eye contact with people. What I was finding was that people were avoiding eye contact with me. I used to think this meant people were being standoffish, but this time I actually took an inventory of where I was at. I was tense, nervous, walking fast, trying to act busy, just really uneasy. No wonder people weren't looking at me, I was giving off "go away" vibes. They weren't looking at me because, subconsciously, I didn't want them to!

So I worked on just relaxing, and it would work for a little while, then the anxiety would come back. I thought about this whole thing and came up with a game plan that I'll try for a couple weeks and see what happens:

When I’m out in a crowd, I feel nervous and fearful. I feel a high level of self-consciousness. When I’m among crowds of strangers, I feel confused and sense that I’m being watched. These feelings cause me to act in a tense, defensive manner. I want to hide or get away. I shut down, walling off my heart and shutting off my vulnerability.

In a crowd of strangers, my thoughts and focus go inward. I am afraid of the crowd of people around me, so I turn my thoughts inside for comfort, shutting the people out so I don’t have to focus on the fear.

My goal is to learn to feel relaxed and vulnerable in a crowd of strangers, to appreciate the people around me and turn my focus outward instead of inward.

First, I need to accept and appreciate my feelings and realize they’re not that big of a deal, to learn to feel the fear and anxiety and still be myself and find enjoyment in the moment.

FIRST EXERCISE – Go deep into the feeling/ be myself anyhow (one week)

Go out in public in places where I’ll feel awkward, nervous or self-conscious for an hour each day.

1. Before going out, focus on being in my body and being fully present to whatever emotion I’m feeling.

2. As I’m walking and standing, notice the emotions and focus on really absorbing those emotions without collapsing. For example, if I’m feeling fear and as a result maybe I’m walking faster, I’ll stop and take two deep breaths and really bring out that fear, and say to myself something like “I’m feeling fear right now, and it’s okay. In fact, it’s kind of cool to feel a little scared and self-conscious right now.”

3. After allowing myself to feel it deeply, then think about how cool it is to be able to enjoy that emotion, no matter how negative, and feel even more myself and more alive as a result. Something that used to hold me back is now actually enjoyable.

4. Take another deep breath, allow that realization to sink in, focus on being in my body, and continue walking about (back to #2)

After a week of this exercise the next step will be to move the focus away from appreciating myself and my own emotions and toward appreciation of others.

Second Exercise – go out to public places and walk around or stand for an hour each day (one week)

1. Before going out, think about being in my body and how I’m going to put myself in the shoes of the people around me, see if I can come up with a story for each person around me

2. When I’m out, make eye contact with everybody and appreciate them for coming into my life.

3. Notice the crowd of people, take a deep breath and accept them as a gift in my life.

4. When I feel fear, nervousness or self-consciousness, stop, take two deep breaths, and remember these are all people just like me doing the best they can, that they were all little kids once with their own hopes and dreams.

5. Open up my feelings of vulnerability and appreciation – feel whatever it is I’m feeling, savor that feeling, let it work its way through me so I’m the one in control, not the feeling, and I can really see where that feeling is coming from.

The goal of this exercise is just to get used to being around a lot of strangers in various environments, and to appreciate the human beings around me. The goal is that, wherever I’m at, I am relaxed, just being myself, and appreciative of the people God is bringing into my life in that moment.

******************************End of Assignment*********************************

So the shift is running TOWARD the "negative emotion" instead of AWAY from it, to learn to appreciate the feeling and realize that I can control this feeling, it doesn't have to control me. This is the alternative to trying to eliminate the emotion, although my theory is that, by establishing power over the emotion and appreciating whatever I'm feeling, then the emotions that are based on false pretenses will fall by the wayside on their own. They have no power over me, then there's nothing to hold onto. If it's false, I'll just naturally let it go.

I'll keep a journal of how this works out.

AMP Coaching Session Review

I've finished my third and final coaching sesson (actually fourth, the first was a freebie). It's interesting how the same themes keep coming up. We're back to the theme "Little SPG is running the show," but from a more evolved perspective. And so we begin again.

That's not to say the coaching sessions are worthless, far from it. This is the evolution pattern, you come full circle but see it from a different perspective and a (hopefully) more evolved place. I'm going to save a few bucks and invest in more coaching sessions next year, the progress has been big and undeniable.

Where I'm at now in the journey is that I've been living a life of priorities I don't believe in. I've been spending a lot of time and energy, getting stressed out and upset, doing things that I think others want me to do, or that are "safe" and won't leave me feeling foolish or that I'm doing something wrong. The thing is I've been living here so long that I don't really know what I really want for myself, only what I don't want.

This realization has left me feeling confused, frustrated, optimistic about the future, and deeply saddened at the thought of all those years spent doing things that really didn't matter to me. It explains why I've been so unmotivated and stressed about my job for so many years. I don't really believe in what I'm doing. This isn't a priority for me. So my heart's not in my work and I'm stressed because, deep down, I know what I'm doing is bullshit.

Sadly, most of my life in bullshit. My first marriage was total bullshit - I married her primarily to help my stupid political ambitions. My career path has been bullshit - I'm doing this for prestige, because it's safe and it pays well, but I don't give a rat's ass about what I'm doing. My second marriage is bullshit, to prove to Mom that I can pick a wife she approves of and be a good husband and father.

I love my kids but I can't stand being labelled a "dad," as I have no interest in associating with a bunch of emasculated, henpecked, wimpy, goofy chumps who put their dreams on hold to accomadate their wives PTA bullshit and other crappy wastes of time, money and human energy. I'm going to work overtime at a job I hate so I can subsidize this bullshit lifestyle? So I can "enjoy" sex twice a week (maybe), and get to take up GOLF, if my wife lets me?!?!?!?! FUCK THAT!!!!!

But, sorry to say, that's been my life up to now (well, minus the golf), doing what I think other people want, waiting for permission to do things, thinking about what's the "right answer," what will make me the "good boy."

In school, I studied hard to get good grades, because that's what you're supposed to do. I learned to do what the teacher asked me to do, to follow directions. I convinced myself I wasn't any good at creative writing or anything like that. I majored in the same thing my dad did, not because he insisted, but because I didn't have the confidence to try something different.

Dating was all focused on making her happy or trying to look good in front of others. I focused on making her happy, on trying to avoid making her angry, putting aside my interests until the resentment built up to the point where I couldn't stand the woman. Then I'd become heartlessly indifferent.

I was afraid to ever introduce anything I wanted or try something that interested me unless I was sure she'd like it. So my needs weren't being met, I wasn't commanding any authority, I was just a frustrated pleaser.

My biggest worries have been whether people like and approve of me, making sure I don't look foolish in front of others, making sure I don't upset people and keeping people happy.

How sad. How terribly tragic that I've lived so many years of this kind of existence, living an unfulfilled life in a small little world, hardly giving any real thought to my passions and desires.

No wonder I've been so angry, stressed and fruatrated. I'm trying to hold together a life that I'm "supposed" to have but that I don't want!

When I was single and juggling, even then I wasn't being authentic. I was trying to please the community and worried about whether people would think my woman was hot enough. Even now I can sense that thinking - "will my mom/ ex/ friends think this woman is a good catch?" What bullshit! What the fuck am I doing? Whose life is this anyway?

Sure, there's reality. I have to pay the bills. I certainly don't have to be miserable about it, though. And I have an obligation to be a father for my sons. But that's cool, because I love my sons! I just need to quit worrying about getting their approval, or their moms' approval, or my parents' approval, and do what works best for me.

My model is the hot, sexy, powerful dad. A leader, a role model, a hero, an inspiration, a strong father who loves his kids, is passionate about life and is a rockstar with the ladies to boot.

Thinking about priorities

One of my assignments for my AMP coaching is to come up with a list of priorities - I think five. (As usual, I'm working on this the day before my call, when I had two weeks to work on it.)

I feeling a lot of anger and resentment as I go through this exercise, and I realize it's because I feel this pressure to list the "right" priorities, the ones everybody says should be my priorities. Things like "career" and "being a good father" are supposed to be high on the list.

And finally I thought "FUCK THIS!"

That's right - FUCK this! I'm sick and tired of making other people's priorities mine. I love my children and I want to see them live a great life. I love helping them grow up and I want to give them a good future, because I put them here on this earth and I owe it to them.

But this is someone else's life, namely the women in my past or soon-to-be past. I was dragged into this to please my first wife, because she was old and it would be her only chance. And my second, well, she was an irresponsible flake who let her birth control run out, so I didn't get a say on that one. If I had, it would have been a big, fat "NO." So I'm working my ass off to provide for something that I didn't ask for and didn't want.

So, no, I don't LOOOOOOOVE being a father. In fact, aside from my kids, whom I do love, being a father pretty much sucks ass. So, no, it isn't one of my priorities. Should it be? Should I feel guilty or shamed? You know what? Whatever. I'm over it.

And my career? PUH-leeze. The only reason I'm here is because of the kids. The bullshit snowball's getting pretty fucking big, huh? I got into this profession because it seemed interesting, but no, it's not that interesting. I want to write, not invest my energy in a career that I hate to make money for a bunch of other people. So fuck that, too.

So far, I've come up with cutting loose and enjoying life, health, family and friends, sex and dating and writing. Since I'm only spending a small fraction of my time doing any of the things on this priority list, I'd say my life's pretty fucking out of whack.

Update

I've been either engaged or married now for the better part of two years, pretty much all of 2007 and 2008. I can safely say these past two years have not, in any way, been the best years of my life. Not even close. 2006 holds the record for "best year of my life," although 2005 was pretty awesome as well, as was 2004 and the second half of 2003 when I was out of my first marriage and making it on my own.

I wouldn't say that 2007 and 2008 completely sucked. 2007 was pretty crappy from start to finish, but I've have worse. I just wouldn't want to eat this shit for a lifetime, I know that. But there were some lessons, and some things that were just unavoidable. There were some good things, though, more toward the beginning of the year when I travelled, before I moved into her place.

2008 is more interesting. While it hasn't been anything close to a "good time," this was the year that I picked myself up off the ground and started making some big changes. I got back into the community, started doing some serious self-improvement and had some very meaningful experiences that I can honestly say are "good for me," even if it hasn't been fun.

There were a lot of changes in 2008. I lost one job, found another, started getting rid of my neediness and insecurity over my wife. A friend of mine suffered a tragedy, losing her baby in pregnancy. I moved myself toward integrity and asserted my life more for me.

About six months of 2008 was spent dealing with a looming family tragedy and the ensuing effects. While this was a lot of trouble, it was overall a very good experience. It tested me, made me stronger and more mature. It taught me some lessons, including keeping death in mind. (There's been a lot of death around me this year, not sure what to make of that.)

I've become a better father for my older son and learned to appreciate fatherhood more. I've learned to let go of my attachment for my wife and start living my life for me. I've taken positive steps to really improve myself and have fulfillment.

Now I'm on the other side of this tragedy. The past two weekends I've had my oldest son have been great, I've been more connected to him, more proactive. I'm feeling anxious to start getting on with my life and feeling my guard up so I don't get sucked into another wife-drama. I'm feeling some anger and frustration over the realization that these past two years I've been working my ass off living a life for someone else, but I'm also working toward constructive change, creating real choice around my feelings and priorities.

So overall, I wouldn't say the past two years have been a waste. Yes, if I had to do it all over again, I would not have gotten married, and I would have pulled out (although I was under the asumption she was on the pill, so that move would have required telepathy). Even now I would still undo everything and be living in my old place with my old life before I moved in with this woman.

But it's not a waste. It's been a growing experience. I'm frustrated and ready to start cutting loose and enjoying life for a change, but I appreciate the lessons of the past two years. Not that I want to go through that shit again, but good lessons anyhow.

Small Steps

I want to develop my personality so that when I am with people, I create a powerful connection where they feel they are the most important person in the world. Through my eye contact, my empathetic listening, my vocal tone, my presence, my heartfelt interest in people and my appreciation for life in the moment, I create a space where we can enjoy a meaningful emotional and spiritual connection.

I don't have to change who I am to do this, I need to change certain behaviors and beliefs and do the things I'm doing right more consistently. A lot of it has to do with my attitude toward people, my beliefs in how I relate to them.

So I'm starting small, focus on one attitude or belief and one behavior, then build from there. So I'm working on eye contact and appreciating people for being in my life.

I strive to look everybody straight in the eye from a place of strength, comfort and appreciation. I look everybody I meet in the eye with a "firm and gentle gaze." Internally, I strive to focus my feelings on appreciating and enjoying the people around me. When I look people in the eye, I'm appreciating what they're bringing to the moment and seeking the beauty within.

I seek to let go of the fear, the need for approval or self-consciousness and replace those feelings with interest, appreciation and a desire for sharing a connection, even if just in the moment. I feel no loss or doubt however the intereaction goes, and seek to just let it go as nature intended, just appreciating the moment.

If it's an attractive woman, I hold her gaze until she looks away. I allow myself to feel attraction and desire and convey it honestly in my thoughts and feelings as I make eye contact with her. I replace feelings of fear and doubt with feelings of desire, attraction, appreciation and human connection. I seek to let go of all needs for some kind of approval or response from her and just savor the moment to the fullest.

Or I could just say "I make firm eye contact with everyone. If I'm making eye contact with an attractive woman, I soften my gaze and hold it until she looks away." But I'm trying to align myself here, dammit!

Say the Magic Word

Imagine me grabbing you by the curve of your hips, just below your thin little waist, and pulling your body against mine. Feel my lips against yours as I kiss you hard, urgently, pressing our lips together, savor that taste as our tongues gently tease each other and I lift up your shirt pulling it over your head in one smooth motion while my left hand runs across that spot where your hips curve in.

You feel me getting hard through my jeans. You grab for my belt as I kiss the side of your neck, tossing the shirt aside and unlatching your bra. We want each other. Badly. You feel yourself wet as you unbuckle my belt . It feels so tight in my jeans, I want you to unleash my hard cock.
I suck on your nipple, drawing it into my mouth and playfully pummeling it with my tongue.

You sigh, frantically pulling down my jeans and underwear in one hard pull, grabbing my rock-hard cock. You help me take off your jeans as I kick my clothes away. I run my hand over your panties and feel your wetness soaking through.

I can taste the flavor change in your nipple, which happens when you’re close to coming. You want me desperately, I can taste it on your skin.

“I’m going to bend you over the kitchen table, pull down your panties and fuck you hard, fuck my little slut,” I whisper in a deep voice through gritted teeth. You moan in agreement. I was telling you what you already knew.

I run my hands up your legs to your hips and spin you around, guiding you firmly and gently to the table. I rub your pussy with my right hand while my left hand runs slowly up to the small of your back and pushes you forward, all the while rubbing my rock-hard cock along the crock of your ass. Half moaning and half laughing, you buck your hips. I lean over and kiss your neck.

“You want to be fucked, don’t you?” I whisper deeply in your ear.

You nod, bucking urgently, your hands reaching for my cock.

“I didn’t hear you.”

“Yes!!” You say impatiently, reaching for my dick and frantically trying to get my cock inside you. You never were much for waiting.

I run my move your long blonde hair away from your ear and give it a gentle tug, to cock your head slightly. You sigh deeply.

“God, FUCK ME!!”

“You didn’t say the magic word,” I whisper in your ear, still pulling on your hair.

You close your eyes, feigning frustration. You secretly love it when I torture you like this. You can feel my throbbing hard dick rubbing against the crack of your ass as you desperately try to guide it into you, but it’s just barely, frustratingly out of reach.

“Please. PLEASE! FUCK ME!!”

Now I Can Have My Life Back

I wanted to make some progress in the self-improvement process over the past four months, and in some respects I have. This whole experience lately gave me a new perspective, some maturity, some lessons. This process has taught me a lot about myself, given me a better perspective on life and made me a better man at a deep level.

I've been going through Hypnotica's "Reinventing Yourself" series and I'd go along thinking these meditations weren't doing anything, then I'd have these cool shifts in thinking that seemed to be organic, but were exactly in line with the meditations. So things are changing at a deep structural level.

The frustrating part for me is I haven't been able to do a lot "in the field." I haven't been able to do much socializing or practicing my "game." I get the feeling that, in terms of outer game, I'm just treading water in terms of development. I haven't been able to be social, I haven't been able to establish my own life, I haven't been able to do any of that stuff because of these big things going on.

And maybe that's the way it should be, that this is part of the grand design. This was the time for me to focus on growth from deep inside, things that wouldn't manifest in behaviors, but will have profound effects on my personality and the way I live my life from a deep level. This was an opportunity to "be a yes," to learn to be more mature, to see my shortcomings, to gain a new perspective about life and relationships before getting to the "instant gratification" stuff.

So I've grown at a spiritual level, made friends with death, learned the truth about relationships, found out some good and not so good things about myself, and become a more mature man. Now I can start moving toward taking action, living the life I want to live, being the social man I want to be, from a more grounded standpoint.

The time of testing is over. It's time to take action.

Relationships: They're Not What They're Cracked Up to Be

I’m here to tell you that the romantic notion behind marriage and relationships is society-imposed BS. Relationships and marriages are not what they’re cracked up to be. Most people – men especially – marry for all the wrong reasons, and most men would be far happier being single. Far, far happier.

I keep hearing this line from guys, “I just want to find that one special girl.” It seems like guys all want to find that one girl that they can settle down with and have that romantic relationship that goes on happily ever after. And it’s not just guys who don’t’ get a lot of dates, guys with a lot of options are saying this. Heck, I was one of those guys – dating three or four women, enjoying a fulfilling sex life and all my freedom, and thinking “it’s time to settle down with a good woman.”

I’ve been on both sides of the relationship fence, from carefree juggling to LTRs, to two marriages. (I’m a slow learner.) I’m not speaking from bitterness, but from a clear-eyed perspective that no men ever read about. If you’re thinking about crossing into “relationship territory,” learn a little about the real terrain first.

I’m not down on relationships, far from it. With the right woman, a relationship has a lot of wonderful benefits. I’m not down on marriage, either. But the real “benefits” of a relationship and marriage are far, far different than what most men want in their lives for happiness and fulfillment. So most men end up disappointed, disillusioned, bitter or worse.

Don’t believe me, check out this site: http://nomarriage.com/ Now, I disagree with their premise that marriage is this evil thing designed by women to destroy men, but read through it and observe the negativity, the bitterness, the anger. These are men who have lost a part of themselves because they believed in an illusion and became bitterly disappointed with the reality.

Most men marry or get into long-term relationships for romantic reasons – she’s so wonderful, we’re so in love, there’s so much passion, the sex is so great, I just want this to last forever. Well, guess what? Those feelings will not last forever, not with any one person at any rate, no matter how awesome you think she is. Over time, attraction wanes. This is just the reality of the universe. Accept it. You can regenerate it in a relationship, but it takes a lot of effort and you’ll never be able to recreate those white-hot feelings. So marrying for love, romance, passion or (if you’re really stupid) sex is dooming yourself to certain – let me repeat, CERTAIN – disappointment. If you need those things, you cannot and will not get them from a marriage or very long-term relationship.

Now, you CAN get love, passion and romance from a long-term relationship lasting two years or less, but be prepared for the reality that there will be an end date and you will have to go back “into the field.” Anything longer than two years and you start getting that “thrill is gone” sensation. Learn to end ALL INTERACTIONS on a high note, even (I should say ESPECIALLY) if it seems counterintuitive. Build your relationship to a high point, savor it for a few months, then exit gracefully, rinse and repeat.

Relationships also offer a short-term opportunity for sexual exploration and fulfillment, because the level of trust and intimacy is high. If that’s what you’re looking for, your optimal time frame is one year. After that, the everyday BS of life starts creeping in, she starts wanting to watch her fucking TV shows again, and sex starts moving down the priority scale. But you don’t have to accept that crap in your life. If sexual fulfillment is high on your needs list, don’t date anyone for more than one year.

If sex is high on your priorities list, I also highly suggest you keep your relationships open (be honest about this, of course). Have a “main squeeze” that you keep around for several months and date other women, so your needs for sexual exploration and variety are both being met.

So what are the payoffs for marriage or a long-term relationship? There are really only three benefits to being married or in a LTR longer than two years – friendship, companionship and raising children. That’s it. You might get little tastes of other things sprinkled in from time to time, but those three things will be your bread-and-butter for the rest of your life.

Now, I think friendship and companionship are great, but they’re nowhere close to my top needs. Raising children is a joy, but for most guys that isn’t their #1 need when they get married. If you’re ready to have children, and those benefits sound good to you (and this is assuming you pick a GOOD woman to marry), then marriage or LTR is for you.

Most guys, however, would rank sex, freedom, adventure and fun ahead of the three things you get from a marriage or LTR, and yet they dive in willingly. And this is because society is lying to people about what marriage and relationships are all about. Things like Valentines Day, chick flicks, most of the crap on TV, they all paint this idea that falling in love and being together is the ideal, the “happy ending.” In real life, that just isn’t true. This is a fairy tale that simply doesn’t exist in reality. Don’t believe me, find some people who have been married 30, 40 or 50 years, and they’ll tell you what I’m saying is the truth.

Society doesn’t want you to be sexually fulfilled. Society says that’s bad. Do you think it’s bad to be sexually fulfilled? Do you think being sexually frustrated and disappointed is an ideal state? Then why jump into something that guarantees you WON’T be fulfilled?

Society has no use for your freedom to live your life as you choose. Most people are pathetic losers – it’s true. They have no future, so they willingly put themselves in these boxes of misery and convince themselves they’re happy. To them, the idea that a person can create a happy life for himself is either too scary or too foreign for their small minds to grasp, so they attack people who take initiative. So why buy into a concept created by a bunch of pathetic losers to insulate themselves from having to take responsibility for their own outcome?

The losers of the world want you to be married because they’re married. And they want you to suffer in your marriage because they suffer in their marriage. And they want you to have a lame sex life because they have a lame sex life. Does two nights a week sound good to you, or does it sound like hell? Well, the pathetic loser MAJORITY is out there convincing themselves that two nights a week is “happiness.” They’re eating bullshit and calling it ice cream.

I’m not saying marriage sucks. I think for most people it does, at least at the point in their lives when they decide to marry, but marriage itself is a great institution so long as you know up front what you want. If you’re going through the effort to make yourself a better man, why are you making it your goal to end up living the same life as all the other losers who did nothing to improve their lot in life? Do you think it’s somehow going to be different for you?

The only way you’re life is going to be different than it is for the miserable masses is if you DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT than the miserable masses. If you want hot sex, great! Make the changes in your life to bring sexually satisfying women into your life and savor it without any guilt. You deserve it. If you want love and passion, find a hot, compatible woman and have a two-year fling. If later you want kids, that’s great, too. Then go find yourself a woman who will be a good mother and loyal wife who will bear you great kids and be your companion as you grow old. Just don’t pick a grapefruit and expect it to be a strawberry.

Bottom line, if you want to be happy, look at what society is trying to get you to do, then do the exact opposite.

The Bad Boy Manifesto

So what’s wrong with being the bad boy? If I can choose between being the sexy, exciting guy who women want to screw and the guy they want to have a relationship with and marry, why not be the fling? I’ve been the guy women want to marry my whole life. Finding girlfriends has never been a problem. Unfortunately, neither has finding a wife. And I’ll tell you, it’s no big deal being in a relationship. In fact, having spent most of my adult life in one long-term relationship or another, I’m convinced a relationship is nothing for a guy to aspire to. In fact, I’m coming to the belief that, aside from child rearing, relationships are detrimental to men (and probably women, too, but I’ll leave that for the women to debate).

So if a man’s best place is being single, shouldn’t he aspire to be the most sought-after single guy? And by that I mean the guy women most want to fuck – period. None of this “holding out for quality” bullshit. Shouldn’t we be striving to be the men women really want to fuck, and nothing more? Wouldn’t that be the most ideal?

I came across some things my wife kept around from her past. (I know, she’s stupid for keeping this shit around, but whatever.) She had a few “dating relationships,” as she referred to them, which were basically sexual and lasted six months or so. Honestly, I’m envious of these guys, because THAT’S what I want! What the fuck is the point of being married to the woman and dealing with all that crap when all I want is to fuck her good for a while, hopefully while I’m fucking a few other women as well, and then move on.

At one point in my life, I was the “bad boy” in my life, but I wasn’t conveying it in my lifestyle. I had three or four girlfriends at any time. Sometimes we’d do things, because there were a lot of fun things I love to do that are more enjoyable with a female companion. Sometimes we wouldn’t. But always it was about sex. They’d come over, we’d do something or not, and we’d have sex. Lots of sex. I had two nights a week that were “off-limits” because I had my son over those night, and I was STILL getting laid ten times a week at LEAST. I needed those nights off for recovery!

And it wasn’t like there was any resistance. They couldn’t WAIT to come over and get it on. In fact, sometimes I was the one trying to hold them off or suggesting we do something outside of the bedroom (or the living room, or the car, or the hotel bathroom). They were always horny for me – calling me, texting me, emailing me, telling me how much they missed me, it was awesome! And these weren’t skanks, they were the kind of women other guys wanted to marry – “good girls.”

So why did the woman I married, who was certainly capable of being the kind of girl these women were being for me, become a “relationship girl?” Because I stupidly became a “relationship guy!” Somehow I thought that, despite enjoying this great lifestyle, that I was really a “wife ‘n kids” kinda guy, so when I met her, I started subtly acting like a husband-in-training instead of a player. A lot of guys fall into that trap, thinking she’s something special, that it’s time to “settle down,” what BULLSHIT!

I can tell you my life would have been MUCH better had I treated her as another “friend with benefits,” gone on far fewer trips with her, made her part of the rotation and kept the relationship mostly sexual for about six months, then move on. I would have stayed better friends with her, had MUCH better sex with her, kept my lifestyle and saved myself all that misery and heartache. But I bought into the fantasy, and it was nothing but misery.

So what now? I’m building a bad boy lifestyle while being a good father. It requires a balance – not exactly a double-life, but putting the fun “daddy things” into those days and saving the “bad boy things” for the other days. It involves a couple FWB’s and enough spare time for one night stands and keeping the rotation fresh, as well as time for my lifestyle that doesn’t involve women.

It’s about taking action and doing what I want. It’s about being honest and congruent. It’s about losing the “relationship scent” and giving off the “bad boy vibe.” It’s about living a life centered around what’s important to me, not around what women want, and not altering it for a woman’s sake. It’s about knowing that I’m the prize, that they want me and they’ll come to me, and letting them come to me on my terms.

Death's Lesson

If one wants to mature as a man, he must keep death in mind at all times. David DeAngelo talks about this in his “On Being a Man” program, which I highly recommend. This week, I made friends with death and the lesson will change my life forever.

My father in law passed away last week. My wife and I have been trying to help him as he was dying from a terminal illness for months, so this has been the closest I’ve observed someone’s death. I actually saw and felt his dead body while it was still warm. He was laying in his bed and looked quite peaceful.

I’ve spent the last several months helping my wife take care of him, move him to nursing home after nursing home, dealing with insurance people and trying to help him find a comfortable, enjoyable place during his final days. I made it my mission to give him as good an exit as possible and give my wife strength and comfort during the process. I did good on the first part, a mixed bag on the second, and learned a lot of lessons.

I didn’t know him as well as I would have liked. I know that I left him with the comfort that his daughter was in good hands and that I did all I could to make his transition into the next life a smooth one.

Although I didn’t know him very well, I learned a lot from him. I learned about life and I learned about death. Observing his death made me realize that it is not scary or something bad in and of itself. Death is a natural process. Dying well can in fact be something beautiful. His time here is over and he is in the next life, one much easier than this one. We will miss him, but he is okay now.

What is scary is not the prospect of death, but the prospect of an unfulfilled life, the missed opportunity to get the most out of life and to fully shine your light into the world. I never saw the man who was a teacher, a mentor, an adventurer, a strong father and great man. I know he existed at one time and that spirit lives in his daughter and grandson. I saw the broken, lost, sad, weak man who married a neglectful woman and convinced himself it was a wonderful arrangement. A man who mortgaged his home and his future to the hilt, leaving himself virtually penniless and in terrible health and quality of life at the end of his days. A man who long ago had given away his power to a horrible woman, had lost much of the respect of his own daughter and left her with a huge mess to clean up at the end of his life.

But before that, he was a man who had students come back years later to thank him for his mentoring and discipline. Everywhere he’s been, people who knew him spoke of his optimism, warmth, intelligence and grace. As I see it, his life was two parts joy, presence and personal power and one part misery, denial, illness and a reversion to childlike thinking. So overall he lived a good life, but he left a lot of cards on the table.

His gifts to me are his daughter, his grandson and the lesson of living life well. This third gift is the one I just got this week, and it’s a wonderful gift. Because of him, I can hold death with me and not feel fear or revulsion. I can embrace it at a natural part of life, like the changing of the seasons or the tides, integrate it into my being, and appreciate life so much more deeply and from a far more grounded and mature perspective. I get what it means to “keep death in mind.”

And because of him, I see both the joy of living life well and the pitfalls of not taking responsibility for your life. Personal power isn’t just something to get chicks, it’s the way to living the best life. Taking responsibility for your life and being proactive isn’t just self-improvement BS, it’s giving yourself the best chance to enjoy and appreciate life. And thinking about death and the lost opportunities inspires me to want to shine my light brighter and to focus on living a life that is mine, that is fulfilling, that is rewarding, that I can fully share with the universe.

Over the next several weeks, I’m going to integrate this lesson into my life. There are going to be some profound changes in the way I think and act.

The Consequences of Being a "No."

Last Thursday I put my "doing my own thing" idea into practice and went out to a nearby bar while my wife was asleep. Since she was asleep, and never got up at night, I didn't leave a note. I also forgot my cell phone and, since she never gets up, figured there was no point in going back to get it. The bar experience itself was pretty fun, although the bar was surprisingly dead. I kind of made friends with some of the guys there, approached some women, had a good time.

Well, wouldn't you know it, the Mrs. DID wake up, and she was VERY worried. At one point, she thought I had either left her or was with another woman. So I came home to a problem.

We had a conversation about this. I said that I was feeling like I was on "lock-down" and couldn't do anything at night while she went to bed at 8, because of her schedule (although she does the same thing on weekends). She felt disrespected and that I wasn't being considerate of her situation, which I wasn't.

She asked if I felt any joy in this relationship and I said I didn't, that it just felt like a lot of work, frustration and disappointment. This upset her, and it upsets me, too, because there's a lot of truth to this.

Since then, I've been thinking about how I've been a total "no" for so long that, until very recently, I'd almost forgotten how to enjoy life. My primary emotions for most of the past year and a half have been anxiety, fear, anger, disappointment, sadness and fatigue. I've been spending all this time worrying about the shit in my life and trying to fix things - either my marriage or myself - and no time enjoying life.

Reading through my diary is just month after month of this kind of thinking. It's sad.

I have a great life overall. That doesn't mean I need to stay in a marriage that doesn't work, or that I can't improve, but that I could easily just look at my life and say "this is awesome" and BUILD on it, instead of looking at the problems and saying "this sucks" and try to "fix the problems."

It's only in the past few weeks that I've made ANY effort to really enjoy life, to see my life as awesome and build it even more. To see myself as an awesome, sexy, fun guy and bring more of that energy into my life.

I think of where I'd be if instead of seeing my life as joyless because I'm unhappy with aspects of my marriage, or worrying about whether my parenting was going to result in a fight with my wife, or worrying that she would leave, or comparing myself to other guys, or being angry because something wasn't going my way, if instead I'd savored all the things that were working and brought more of that into my life.

Just last week (prior to my excursion to the bar) I opened the massage table, fired up the aromatherapy, laid down and listened to my meditations. That's being a yes.

I've chosen to stay in this marriage while her father is in this bad situation. It's a good choice. But I can choose to enjoy what I have and be a "yes" to myself in the meantime. There are so many things I can do to enhance my life, and so many things I already have in my life that I can appreciate more.

I've spent so much time chasing after her, either trying to figure out how to get more affection from her, trying to appease her bad moods or worrying about losing her or not measuring up to her past standards. Wasted time and energy.

Think of all the time I could have spent enjoying life or doing what made me happy if I wasn't trying to adjust myself to accomodate my attachment to her.

And here's the kicker, when I stopped following her or doing things to "make it easier" for us to make love, or worrying that she would leave, guess what? She started showing more interest. She started worrying about me leaving, instead of the other way around.

Man, Shelly really hit the nail on the head when she said I was being a "no," and I can really feel the difference.

But in many respects, like with regard to my marriage, I'm still being mostly a "no." There are still sticking points here. I should be focused on living the life I want to live and taking control of the situation. I should also be appreciating the good things in the relationship and showing appreciation for my wife. I don't want to stay with her, but I should still show her love and not be attached to whatever's going on.

It's hard, though. This weekend we had some hot, passionate sex, and I could feel those attachment feelings coming back. A good reframe would be to appreciate the attraction and the intimacy and focus on really enjoying the feeling and integrating that feeling into my being. In other words, take the good energy from our connection and integrate it without assigning meaning or making it about her.

The feeling of attraction, sexual energy and intimacy is and awesome feeling and one I can create for myself with other women in my future. I can be attached to the feeling (and should - it's one of the most awesome feelings in life) without being attached to the person. I can carry the feeling and the energy with me throughout my day and bring it out to the world, realizing this is a feeling I can share with many women on this level, instead of treating her (or any other woman) as the source of this feeling.

Hmm. This is interesting. I'm onto something here.

Yesterday I had lunch with a female friend. I'm not cheating, nor am I considering it, but I felt the attraction and I liked it. At the time, I was feeling like I was getting "too into" this woman, that it would either lead to a bad situation or take me "off my game." But what if instead I'd been a "yes" to that attraction and instead of fighting against it, went into it and brought that feeling into my being?

What if I could feel that "one-itis" and thoroughly enjoy the attraction? What if I could go deeper into that feeling and integrate it into me, and carry it with me, making the energy mine, instead of giving my power away by assigning her credit for the feeling of attraction and sexual chemistry?

I'm on the cusp of something pretty cool here.

So, instead of pushing my feelings down and lessening them to "stay in control" and avoid "one-itis," I EMBRACE the emotions and OWN them. I celebrate them, savor them and make them mine. Then I don't have to rely on HER to be the source of these feelings - they're MINE to enjoy with whomever I choose. So whether I'm with this woman or that woman, I can embrace the moment with her in full presence and not have to fear being attached, because she can't take the feelings away from me. They're mine. I stay with her for the right reasons - because we are a good match - NOT because of attraction and chemistry.

Instead of trying to control my emotions by denying them, I let them out freely. I nurture them. I can savor the woman, the universal "woman," and not be concerned about the singular woman. Women want to feel these feelings as much as I do - probably more - so the female species needs me as much as I need the female species. So the game is set in my favor, so long as I don't waste my time and resources worrying about what this PARTICULAR woman wants and instead focus on making the woman - the universal woman - happy. Which I can do simply by being my own man.

Either I'm on to something, or someone slipped some pot into my lunch.