Are All Relationships Bad for Men?

Are relationships - long-term relationships - our downfall as men? Do most men marry out of an unhealthy sense of attachment? Or is the process of finding what we want - sexual fulfillment - such a draining one that we settle for a mediocre sex life that at least guarantees that we get a small part of our need fulfilled, and then go about filling the rest of the void with other crap we wouldn't want in our lives if we were really getting what we wanted?

Are there men out there who really put a value on crap like "companionship?" Are there men who actually convince themselves that "companionship" with a woman, day in and day out, is desirable? Is there any good reason, one that is beneficial to a man, to be in a marriage or long-term relationship aside from raising children?

Why do women claim to want a relationship and desire a man whose loyal, yet women are the first ones to cheat, are usually the ones who initiate a divorce or breakup, and get over past relationships more easily? Why do men give up what they want - freedom, variety and sexual fulfillment - to give a woman what she doesn't really want? Why are men so attached to something that is so destructive to their identity and personal happiness?

And why is it when a man does take ownership of his life and lives the life he truly wants, society brands him a "womanizer," an abusive man who needs to be "fixed" by society? When a man leaves a relationship, he's abandoning his woman and/or his family; when a woman does it, she's liberating herself from an unhappy situation that, of course, is always HIS fault.

And then there's the other side. There are devoted Christian couples who have awesome sex lives (highest frequency of sex per week of all subsets, according to most surveys/ highest degree of satisfcation with sex life), yet secular society looks down on Christians as "prudes."

So is the problem relationships? Women? Men? Society? Fucked up priorities? Lack of religion? Is there a way out of this mess?

My thoughts on this are too fuzzy right now. I have no answers, only questions leading to more questions.

Setbacks, thoughts

So last night I applied my "being my own man" idea of going out to a local bar instead of staying home and watching my life slowly slip into oblivion. And the bar, despite being pretty empty and lame, was a fun experience.

But I didn't leave a note (she was asleep) and I didn't bring my cell phone. And wouldn't you know it, the hospital calls and there's a problem with her dad, she's calling me and thinking I've left her and I'm cheating on her.

It sucked. It was another argument, although I didn't lose it or lose any sleep. I just felt bad that I'd made her sad. I stood my ground as far as going out, I did apologize for not keeping her informed. We talked some about the problems we'd been having.

I confessed I'd had little joy through these past nearly two years, just a lot of work, stress and disappointment. That bothered me. I was also feeling angry about things today and feeling off center.

I'm coming to the realization that this stressful situation is poisoning my progress. On the one hand, it's creating solid growth and it's exposing a ton of inner demons. But on the other hand, it's pusing me so much toward "no" it's hard to make real progress.

I've been a complete "no" to this marriage, to my baby boy, to my wife, to relationships in general, to women and to myself.

So I'm going to ponder on that. I'm also going to think about the concept of "Personal Authority" and how to cultivate my personal masculine power.

Right now I just feel overwhelmed. I'm being a "yes" to the stress, to the fact this is too much to handle, that I can't concentrate, that I'm not being myself because of this. Really. I'm opening to it and just accepting the feelings of dealing with all this bullshit in my life.

That's it. Just a random post.

Pep Talk

Alright, dude, if you want to be a nice guy, try being nice to yourself. Fuck these other people. If being nice means bending over to please other people, what’s the point? Nobody respects guys who are like that, and you end up pissed and taken advantage of.

I hate to tell you this, man, but that’s exactly how it’s been going in your life. You’ve spent all this time thinking you had to be this nice, safe guy because you thought if you showed any balls or confronted anybody, they’d get pissed and you’d have no friends. So now you’re pissed and you have no LIFE!

In an ideal world, people would repay you in kind for the nice things you do. They don’t. They might think they do, but even people who will return the favor usually only pay about forty cents on the karma dollar. So doing things because you think you’ll get good things in return is a losing proposition. You’ll just end up getting pissed, just like you are now.

You’ve put up with your wife’s bullshit about sex, even though it wasn’t what you wanted. You’ve tolerated a second-class sex life, you wouldn’t say what you wanted or set boundaries. And how did that work out for you? Did she repay you for your consideration with considerate behavior, with enthusiasm and tenderness? No, she rewarded your acquiescence with more neglect and disinterest.

So when you were pissed because she woke you up for *the* lamest sex session you’ve ever had, who were you mad at? Were you mad at her, because she treats the marriage with disrespect? Well, you should be mad at yourself, man, for not treating yourself better.

Look, I know that it’s scary and uncomfortable to assert your boundaries. It goes against your old nature. But really, think about how it feels when you do assert yourself. Think about how it feels when you put your cards on the table without any apologies and everybody just folds, which is what they do. Doesn’t that feel good? Doesn’t it feel good to be the one in control?

Sure, sometimes you have to be a dick. But admit it, you like how that feels. Doesn’t it feel good when women are intimidated by you, instead of you being intimidated by women? It’s not like you’re abusive or mean, you don’t put them down, you just put yourself out there. And sometimes you have to put a few people in their place in the process, but, dude, those people have it coming. The world’s a better place for you putting people back in their place.
All this time you’ve shied away from confrontation, giving up your identity to try to accommodate others. But all this time you were trying not to offend people, they were waiting for someone to take his balls in his hand and lead the way. Being a dick doesn’t offend people, it gives them security – it gives them someone to follow, which is what people want.
Don’t get me wrong, man, you’re doing some things right. You’ve started being assertive in starting conversations, that’s cool. You’re being the mayor. You really took over Sharkeez on Friday, covered that whole bar in like twenty minutes. You started that list, that’s cool. The more you can just not give a shit about what others thing, and the more you just focus on living out your own path, the better it’ll get.

You need to go further. This weekend, you saw your vision. Deep down inside, you’re a bad boy. You’ve got a dark side. Not an evil, devil-worshipping, rob-the-liquor-store kind of dark side, but a mischievous, question-authority, fuck-the-status-quo kind of dark side. You like to shake things up. You like to cause trouble. You don’t like hurting people, but you know some people have it coming and you’re not afraid to step on some toes.

That’s a great person to be. Honestly, you’ve been kind of soft, which makes it easier for others to push you around. In fact, you’ve been willing to push yourself around, to spare them the trouble. You’ve got balls, and you’ve used them, but then you go back to this soft, accommodating side. Then you get upset when people disrespect your soft side and lash out. Better to be your firm self from the beginning, let people see your badass self, because it’s a cool guy.

So it’s time to shed your old self, that tame, soft, accommodating guy, and let this real side out. Be firm. In fact, be a hard ass, it’s cool. Be a dick. Assert yourself openly and often. Say what you want and don’t want, it’s cool. You don’t have to agree with everybody all the time. You don’t disagree just to be disagreeable, but you know what you want and you don’t settle for bullshit.

You sent that “Just Fucking Fuck Me” post (post below) to your wife, that’s awesome! I want you to be happy with yourself for doing that. Just assume that she’ll appreciate it. If she doesn’t, then make it her problem. Keep going with this. There’s a lot you want to change, so fucking change it. Throw out all the crap in your life you don’t want and fill your life with the things you want, the way you want them.

Pay attention to what YOU want. Strengthen that voice. Speak out loud and assert your reality. Be dominant.

Be a dick. It’s okay. Chicks love dicks.

Just Fucking Fuck Me

Nice post on CraigsList:

Just fucking fuck me, already.Reply to: Date: 2008-02-03, 3:29PMDear Men of Craigslist,
Look, I know you men have it difficult. Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. In a post-feminist society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. Women are bloody picky, I know we are. It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. And men who do their best to be respectful, female-positive humans, I salute you, I do.

But please, please just fuck me already. Honestly, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I like that you want to take things slow. I can totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but dearjesusinheaven, FUCK ME. We've done dinner and drinks. We've gone dancing. We've cuddled and watched a movie. I'm wearing a low cut shirt and you've been staring at my breasts all night. Goodgodalmighty, get to it and fuck me.

When we get hot and heavy, please take charge. Please, please fuck me. Trust me, I'm not going to just lie still - I'll get involved. But don't make me force your hand into my panties. That makes me feel like a rapist. We've been kissing for a half hour and your hand keeps grazing my ass. That's nice, but it's time to move forward. Get on top of me. Don't make me get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing up and down on your cock like I'm practicing some crazy new aerobic yoga because YOU won't go down on me. Roll on top and start dry humping like a good boy should. Don't gently suck my nipples and then pull back when I moan with pleasure. You being coy is totally not what I want. It's not what WE want.

OK, I know it's scary. There are lots of women out there who make fucking really difficult. So, I have compiled some handy tips. Don't think of this as complaining, or as schadenfreude for the Andrea Dworkins of the world. Just some simple tips, for timid men who have forgotten what it means to fuck like men:

1. Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like "I'm sorry - you just look so fucking delicious. I'll go slower." Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you're both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it's not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU'RE the man. Act like one.

2. Ohmyfuckinggod, please learn to respect the clit. It's different for every woman, so ask what she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you're trying to tickle her. Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently waiting at the Sears Tire Center for your receipt. Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of. Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of her pussy. Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things. And if you really don't know what to do, ask her. Just ask. "How do you like it?". It's a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. If she's being all coy, ask "Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?" The clitoris is a varied item, indeed. Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before. Forget everything that your last partner liked.

3. Most women like to be fucked, and fucked well. Yes, there are women out there who want to "make love" every time - sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses. Those women are not the majority. The majority like to be pounded. The majority like to have their hair pulled. The majority like a good, solid jackhammering. When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it's not because she wants you to pull back and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you're mixing a cake batter up there. It's because she wants you to hold down her arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs above her head, and fuck her harder. Don't be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes - I am a raging feminist bitch, but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on fucking my throat from the inside out.

4. A little roughness is nice. Do not pretend that you had no idea that some women like their hair pulled. Do not act shocked if she wants you to spank her ("Really? Spanking? Won't it hurt?" - yes, it does. That's the fucking point). We know you've read Stuff and Maxim, and that's all those laddie mags talk about in their "How to Please Her" sections. Start with light, full handed smacks to the area of her ass that she sits on. Judge her response and continue on from there. You don't have to bend her over one knee and tell her she's a naughty girl and that Daddy's going to punish her; save that for the fifth date. Women are less delicate than you think, so don't worry about breaking her hip.

5. It's OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are fucking a ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. If you're banging a woman, and she's crying out and saying your name and moaning, and you can't even manage a grunt, she's going to feel like an idiot. You don't have to make the sounds she is making, but do SOMETHING. You know how when you are watching porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of goes "Ah!", half grunt, half yell? That's HOT. Do that. Whisper our name (assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan against her neck when you're in missionary position. You don't have to grunt like a mountain gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she's going to get worried.

6. Most women like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting. If you'd like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way you fuck her. If she responds well, continue with something like, "I love fucking you. God, you look so fucking hot." Is she still moaning in response? "Your tits are so beautiful." Does that work? If she doesn't respond well to the term "tits", you might have to stop there. If she keep moaning or responding, pass Go and collect $200. Try the following:

"Oh, god. Your pussy is SO tight." "You're so wet - are you wet because you like the feel of my cock ramming you?" "I think I'm going to come inside you. I'm going to fill up your little cunt." It doesn't matter that you're wearing a condom; we LOVE hearing this.

If all of those work, you can then progress to things like "sexy little bitch" and "dirty whore". Tread carefully, but please, tread. Do not tiptoe. Do not sit down. Charge.

6. You're not obligated to eat a woman out. In return, she's not obligated to choke on your dick. Don't skip one and expect the other. If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice it is. The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush - you are not John Madden. No time for color commentary.

7. Do not bitch about condoms. Oh, we hate them. Trust us. They hurt us more than they hurt you. But we don't want to be preggers, and you don't want to catch anything, right? Don't whine about condom sex. Do not explain that you can't come with one on. LEARN to come with one on, or if not, help us figure out what to do with you once we're satisfied and it's time for you to let loose your load.

8. We really like it when you come. It's called a money shot for a reason. Watching semen shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying things EVER. However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off onto her face. She might, but don't assume. Seeing and/or feeling you come is rewarding for us, so there's no need to deprive us of it, but please do consult us before unleashing. "I think I'm going to come - how do you like it?" is a fair question that shouldn't rob you of your testicles.

In recent memory, I've been fucked by a very aggressive, manly guy, and I've been... well, fucked is the wrong term here. I've been penetrated by a total and utter wuss. Who am I going to run back to when I'm ready for my fill? Manly McHardon, that's who. ----------------------------------------------------
*New point of clarification - some people have brought up some really great issues in response to this post, so let me say this: I don't mean to imply that all women like to be treated like whores. I do mean to say that most women I know have told me that they like sex rougher than most men give it to them. Rough does NOT equal chains and bondage. And this applies to the bedroom only, and does not mean that she wants you to choose her dinner for her, or treat her like less of a person. **Some women have said that they don't like it rough and what the hell am I thinking? Well, girls, you're in the minority. HOWEVER, all women need to remember that, in addition to be straight forward about your sexual desires, you need to be straight forward about your sexual limits. Don't be afraid to ask for more, but when something feels wrong, say so. Don't ever do something you don't want to do in silence and then blame the guy. Silence is dangerous.

Reestablishing My Reality

I was pissed last night about my marital situation, but I realize the anger is really with myself, for accomodating my reality to fit hers. She's been more assertive, I've been caving, for whatever reason, and the result is anger and frustration. As a part of my saying yes to myself, and also my "decisiveness training," I've created a list of goals that apply to my home life, decisive changes I want to make:

GOALS:

“BE MYSELF; BE DECISIVE”

1. Take at least one hour every day for myself. Spend at least three hours every week on social things, particularly meeting new people and going to social gatherings, to expand my social network and practice being more outgoing.

2. Make regular plans to meet with friends for dinner, etc. Shoot for once every two weeks.

3. Call everybody in my social network at least once a month

4. Once a week, make love to myself. Use candles, aromatherapy, wine, music and really make it a sensual, pleasurable experience. Maybe take a bath, experiment with different things. Be proud of my sexuality, be open with what I’m doing.

5. Once every week or two, get out the massage table and give myself a relaxing hour of meditation, just lying face-down on the table. Use aromatherapy, wine, maybe the Hypnotica meditations, whatever makes me happy.

6. On a daily basis, express my sexual desires through talking, touching and any other avenue I can think of. Get comfortable with talking dirty and expressing what I want. Touch her sexually, even if I know she's not interested, just because it's what I want. Say what I really want. Be a little crude and raunchy.

7. Respect my money. Stay within my budget. Make no exceptions either for my wife or myself.

8. Respect myself at all times. Allow nobody, whether it be my wife, my son, my parents, or anybody else, to put me down or disrespect me in any way.

9. At least once a week, when my wife is sleeping, go out to the bars for at least an hour.

10. Be territorial with regards to my son and my family. Don’t allow my wife to disrespect my son, my family or anybody else that’s important to me.

11. Return to skydiving. Ask for one day a month to go skydiving and do it.

12. Once every 1-2 months, purchase some porn or a sex toy and integrate it into my reality. Be open and honest about what I’m doing, just make it a part of who I am.

A Mental Shift with the "Three Second Rule"

I’d spent the past couple days struggling with the latest exercise from Hypnotica’s “Reinventing Yourself” program. I was getting out and meeting women, using the “three second rule,” not getting anywhere close to twenty and fighting it all the way. I felt very anxious, angry, frustrated and just not myself. Last night I’m lying awake in bed thinking this is the opposite of what I want. I wanted to be a yes, and I was struggling with this exercise and being more of a no than ever.

Somewhere last night I listened to one of his meditations. Then I thought, I’m going to do this, I’m going to put myself out there, but I’m not going to worry about it. I’m just going to relax and go about my life and just add this part to it, instead of putting my life on hold for two weeks to do this exercise.

And I decided that, since the goal of this is being “decisive,” I’m going to put my focus on that, making decisions, being bold, “doing courage,” and not hesitating. So I’m still going to do the exercise as he asks, but I’m going to integrate decisiveness into my life at every level. That means making the calls I’ve been putting off, doing the work I’ve been avoiding, writing the emails I’ve been hesitant to write, just living life decisively and taking action.

As I’m writing this post, I actually stopped and took care of two things that had been sitting on my “to do” list for weeks.

As far as women and dating, I decided to add another feature to this. I see a lot of women I already know, as in I’ve broken the ice and said hello, etc. So they’re not “cold approaches.” With these, I’m using the same principle to work in a little deeper conversation, maybe a compliment or question about something, anything where there’s a part of me that wants to do or say something and another that resists.

That seems like a more integrated and successful approach than turning my life upside down to run around and find twenty women to say “hi” or ask them if their name is Karen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m doing that. It’s just I’m doing it in a way that enhances my identity instead of supplanting it for two weeks.

And then an interesting thing happened this morning. I woke up with this really peaceful, relaxed feeling of alignment. I felt open, that I could just talk to people as I am without forcing it. I could just be me. Somehow what I’ve been doing and the thought process I went through clicked with something inside and now it feels like it’s an extension of who I am, that I can feel the difference between working through hesitation and forcing myself into a situation that I know is stupid. It feels really good, that cool shift.

So I did an alignment exercise to drive that feeling deeper into my mind so it can be a part of who I am, and I just feel really good, like my personality just became more outgoing, more open, more of a yes. I believe this Hypnotica stuff really does work, you just have to be patient and give you brain time to reprogram.

FR??? "Twenty a Day"

So I’m working through the third exercise of Hypnotica’s “Reinventing Yourself” (www.hypnotica.org) and this one is a doozie. The lesson is about “decisiveness” so the exercise is to do the “three second rule,” which is where you see a woman you want to meet and approach her within three seconds. The exercise calls for me to approach twenty women a day for a week.

Twenty…

…FUCK!

My first thought is “where the fuck am I going to find the time to meet twenty women a day?” I guess if I were *actually* single, this wouldn’t be that hard. Just go out every night to happy hours or bars/ whatever and you’re bound to find twenty women to talk to. But what if you have a full-time job? And what if your evening time is limited, because you have to go home and comfort your wife whose going through a personal crisis?

So basically I’m limited to trying to do twenty cold approaches a day in the daytime. Oh, and I have to do this while not coming off like some creepy married guy who hits on women. Ugh, talk about a baptism by fire.

Well, one good thing about this exercise is that I won’t have any more bullshit excuses when I’m done. If I can handle doing cold approaches in the daytime with essentially one hand tied behind my back, then I’ve conquered my worst approach anxiety.

Fortunately I work for a large company and I still don’t know a lot of the women there. So there’s always an opportunity or two just going about my day. That only leaves eighteen to go.

Alright, let’s suppose I can’t get to twenty a day but I’m making the effort. I’ll expand the number of days for the exercise until I hit 140.

So yesterday was my first initiation in this. (Notice I’ve been just assuming all along that I’m going to do the exercise, even though it’s scary and a complete pain in the ass. That alone is worth the price of the product!)

The first stop was the grocery store. Just try and push a cart across the store in three seconds without looking like a freak show. I dare you. So I had to modify my three-second rule to “I see the woman and decide within three seconds IF I’m going to talk with her and then commit to doing it in a way that ensures I can return to this store at some other point in time.” I was able to get *one* approach, I wussed out on an easy one and there were a couple others I just couldn’t reach, either being stuck in line or I lost them.

So grocery stores aren’t good time management for the shotgun approach (which is basically what this method is).

Okay, onto the next place, the food court near my work. Only problem, it was after lunch and most people were gone. I wimped out on at least four approaches, just flat-out didn’t do it. I had the approach in mind and just couldn’t pull the trigger. I was bummed about that.
I managed to do a couple approaches before going back to work.

After work, I went to a happy hour. Actually I went to two. The first was Stick & Stein in E Segundo. There were like fifty dudes and two fat women. (Monday Night Football – should’ve known!) So I bailed immediately, although it seemed like a fun place if I wasn’t on a mission to approach women. Then I go to Baja Sharkeez in Manhattan Beach. Also packed, but the ratio was only 3-1 men, and a couple of the few women there were actually cute, so I hung out.

Like I said, normally, this would be fun, hanging out, watching football with friendly people. All I’m thinking, though, is “shit, how am I going to talk to eighteen women in this sausage fest?” I did approach two attractive women, then later talked with one of the attractive women’s friends who came in later. (Does that count as an approach, it’s not exactly “cold.”)

So first day – five approaches (six if you count the friend), four wussouts. This is going to be fun!

What's Better Than Sex?

So this is day 2 of my post-coaching shift. I’m still doing the notations and finding my mind gravitating more toward the positive. I feel really great today – there’s momentum building here.

Yesterday at the happy hour I was more open and having fun being myself than I ever had at these things. It was great! Even “negative” comments just rolled off and I felt good just having fun being myself and not caring if anybody else approved. And generally, they did like that personality.

As I let more of myself out, become more vulnerable, more open and more myself, the rough edges will smooth out and it’ll flow even better. This was sure a great start!

I came home and the wife seemed pissed. I tried talking with her, was getting one-word responses, so I just went back to doing what I wanted to do – found some dinner, took care of a few things. I came back to see if she wanted to talk, and we had a nice, positive conversation, just connecting as good friends, a very positive, uplifting conversation. And one thing that was cool about it was it started with her talking about something negative and I kind of reframed it and put the conversation onto a good path - I was the emotional hero, moving her to my path, instead of following hers.

It was one of these “no-sex” evenings (SO many!) that have frustrated and dogged me in this marriage from the beginning. But I’ve reframed these nights to “be a yes.” These are opportunities to get my power back, to put choice around sex, to build my self-image from the inside and lose my attachment to the outcome.

So I embraced it, did my meditations and treated it as a gift, the gift of personal power and choice, taking control of my life.

And it worked! Between my positive outcome-independent attitude at the company happy hour and my positive, outcome-independent approach to what used to be a disappointment, I woke up today feeling awesome and it’s inspired me to keep going with “being a yes.”

Hypnotica’s exercises and meditation programs seem more powerful and effective. My affirmations seem to connect better. It feels like gravity is my friend now.

What’s better than sex? How about getting my life going where I want it to go. It’s finally starting to come together.

AMP Coaching Sesson Breakthrough

Yesterday will go down as the first day of my profound transformation, of real change for the better in my life. I had my free AMP coaching session yesterday, which I almost cancelled because I didn’t think it would have that much value. (Incidentally, I almost blew off the interview for the job I’m in now for the same reason.)

Almost right off the bat, she had me figured out – which was a little freaky, but also not that difficult to see. She said she felt an overwhelming sense of inner discontent. Man, just looking at my diaries I’ve been swimming in discontent. I realize this has been my motivation, that “something’s wrong and I need to fix it.”

It’s small, away-from motivation. It’s energy, but it’s negative energy. It’s draining and, in the end, not that motivating. You see, away-from motivation will get you from “extreme discomfort” to “mild discomfort,” and then the challenges of the self-improvement process become more uncomfortable than the problem, so there’s no motivation to continue. At best, with perseverance, one can use “away-from” motivation to get all the way to “no discomfort, and then you’re done and it’s time to look for another “problem” to “solve.”

As I thought about this, I had this profound shift, this deep realization that manifested itself in the physical (I actually felt my body “move” inside) as I was talking on the phone. I realized in this moment that, if I continued to think with the mindset I was using, there was NO WAY I could every succeed – all I could do was move away from perceived shortcomings.

Now, there is a place for dealing with things you don’t want – disempowering beliefs and habits, for example. Hypnotica calls this “pulling weeds.” But the real value in any self-improvement is in “planting the seeds,” in creating the new habits and beliefs that will lead to success. But if the mind is primarily looking around for problems to fix, those seeds will never grow to their potential.

She said there was a lot of work around my “being a yes.” And she’s right! Anybody looking at my writings would see they’re dripping with negativity. Yes, there’s an optimistic “I’ll get myself out of this,” but the underlying message is “this sucks, I’m going to fix it. Then I’ll allow myself to be happy.”

So one of the things I’m doing now is working on separating the time between stimulus and response. I’m starting by writing down whatever thought comes in. I see something, thought pops in, write it down. Then, as I start getting used to masking these thoughts, I can learn to take a couple breaths between stimulus and response, and put some choice around my thoughts and emotional responses.

One example, I drive home from work every day and pass a Harley dealership. This used to trigger an automatic negative response – a thought about an ex of my wife who loved Harleys, followed by the thought “oh crap, I shouldn’t be thinking this. Something’s wrong with me, I need to fix this.” Yesterday I looked at the dealership, took a couple breaths and thought "how can this image fit into MY life and make me happy?" – a reframe, but not the OPPOSITE, just a replacement of a “no” with a “yes” that I really believe. In this case, it was “I’d like to learn to ride a motorcycle someday,” which was a wish of mine way before I ever met my wife. I let the thought of her ex, and the negative energy from that, knock me off-course.

Just that one little change in thinking freed up a ton of energy and turned my thinking to a “yes.”
I’m working on getting away from this need to be perfect, to be right, and fully embrace who I am right now. And as I embrace myself more fully, I’m working on bringing that man out fully, getting out from behind those walls and that habit of being stiff and withdrawn in the beginning.

“Little SPG” (her expression, not mine)is in control of the situation too much. Staying small, safe, negative thinking, needing to be perfect, needing to be right, immature thoughts and behaviors. The key is to move more toward “Big SPG” thinking (leaving out the double entendres) which is self love, self acceptance, being on my path, being a yes to whatever there is to enjoy, being a yes to myself and finding safety within myself.

And I can fully see that, if “Big SPG” is in charge, these self-improvement lessons that now seem like pushing a rock uphill will actually build their own momentum. I could feel the difference between being happy now and moving toward a richer and more fulfilling life (working with the flow) and being discontent now and struggling to escape from that feeling (working against the flow). And for that reason, I see September 10, 2008 as the day I “got it” and too my first real steps down my natural path of happiness and alignment.

Facing the Abyss

I did some serious reprogramming this weekend, using Hpynotica's NLP methods and his meditations, as well as stuff from other methods. Just focusing on total reinvention. Last night the programming, the focus on "complete change" came to a head in the form of intense, frightening dreams.

In more than one dream I was running away from those who were trying to kill me, frantically running, screaming for help, hiding from the inevitable, scared I was going to die.

Then it dawned on me when I woke up - this was my internal climax. This was the little boy in me making one last desperate attempt to flee from his doom. Now the walls are closing in, the firing squad is here and the time has come. In my life, I was staring down the barell of my fear - leaving my wife and starting my life over. And much like my dream, a part of me wants to run away, hide from the change, buy myself more time.

So in my cold sweat, I look over at the alternative. If I stay a boy, I keep the girl, the beautiful woman that every other guy wanted to marry. Sure, I wouldn't be happy inside, and it would only be a matter of time before there would be another crushing disappointment or bitter fight. And even when things are "good," in the end, it's another day of wasted potential, hiding from real change.

So I look at my alternative, the easy route, the pain-free alternative that's really very painful and disheartening in the long term. I made this choice. I made this reality. I can grow up. I can change. I can assume my true destiny. I can face the firing squad and suffer the temporary pain of killing the boy within. I can get through this.

I tell myself to "close the door." Picture it over. Start mourning over the loss now. Accept that I will be alone, that she will be free to see other men, and will probably be a lot happier in that new situation. Picture all the "low points" there could possibly be, every bullet I'll have to endure before the boy is finally killed and the real man can emerge and claim that happy life I've been too scared to assume up to now.

Maybe it'll be painless, a quick shot to the head, and I'll be off and running with my new life. Maybe it'll be slower and more painful. Maybe I'll have to spend some time down on the ground in pain while my inner demons gloat. But even that will be temporary, and then the nightmare will be over.

As I rolled over, I committed to facing the firing squad, to finishing this nightmare. I closed the door in my mind and my heart.

Unfortunately, my wife couldn't fall asleep and was tossing and turning, which made it hard to get into good REM sleep, to face those nightmares. (I'm convinced it's the programming that put them there, that this is part of the training.) So I imagined myself in the situation I feared most, pictured myself alone, broke, disgraced, despised by the woman I loved. I pictured myself broken and rebuilding myself into the ideal man I wanted to be. I pictured that ideal man and realized the only way I could become that man is to cross this bridge and never look back.

I pictured the old me dying and being reborn.

It wasn't the same as facing the firing squad in my dreams - not to mention the deprivation of some quality sleep - but it was powerful.

I realize I'm mixing all kinds of metaphors here, but the constant message this weekend was that I can't grow and change until I've let go, at least in my mind and heart, if not in actual deed, of the things that are holding me back. I've reached that spiritual climax and it's time to make a permanent cut.

I can't wait to get out of this!!!!

My marriage has three aspects: parenting, which can be separated into two parts, the happy and rewarding partnership in raising our son (my youngest son), and the miserable, nasty fights over my parenting of my oldest son; nasty fights that bring out the worst in us; and dead energy.

Last night I got to experience another dose of the third aspect – dead energy. Her falling asleep at 8, me tiptoeing around the apartment to accommodate her schedule, unable to go out and have a life, obviously not enjoying any kind of a life with her, and frustrated and angry that another day of my life is being pissed away. So my marriage is a combination of tiring but rewarding parenting, heartache over the “blended family” failure, draining and self-devaluing fights and disappointing and esteem-degrading waste of life.

I started getting into that angry, frustrated mode – angry that our sex life sucks, angry that I was actually starting to feel warm feelings for her again, until she went back into her dead energy state. I felt the frustration at the latest happy hour – that feeling that I can’t get to where I want to go socially with this rock around my neck, this marriage that does nothing but drag me down. I get angry, wondering why she’s treating this marriage with such complete neglect, feeling cheated.

Then I stopped myself. I ran into the bathroom, looked into the mirror, looked myself in the eyes and told myself “IT’S OVER.”

It’s over. No if’s and’s or but’s. No waiting until I’ve got enough money in the bank. No holding out hope that things will get better. Even if this were the way it was when we were dating, that’s not good enough for me. She’s not good enough for me. I can do better. I was doing better, and I will do better, much better, better than ever. I deserve that. I didn’t ask for this shit marriage, I didn’t ask for this situation, I didn’t volunteer to throw away the best years of my life on a waste of energy.

No more wasting energy thinking about this, just thinking about leaving. Picture it. Feel it. See myself alone. Being alone and not getting laid is far, far, far better than being in this situation and rarely getting laid. At least I have control over my situation, I have options, and I’ll create the happy, fulfilling life. Here in this situation, I’ll never be happy – ever. I can’t wait to leave. Be ready. As soon as the opening happens, don’t walk, RUN.

It doesn’t matter what my family things, what she thinks, what her friends think. None of that matters. The only thing that matters is that I get the fuck out and escape with what’s left of my life. So get through this thing with her father, help a sick old man feel better and have some happiness. But when my job is done – run, RUN, RUN!!!!!

If I ever feel soft fuzzy feelings for her because I got laid a few nights in a row, I’ll get back in front of this mirror and SLAP MYSELF UPSIDE THE HEAD!! No more being swayed by sex, being manipulated by sweet words that aren’t backed up by action. Look around – are you happy?? Fuck no!

Remember that. Remember that always.

Then take this anger and remember it, use it as motivation. Next time you feel scared to take action, remember your miserable life, remember that anger, then do it. I want to change everything about my life, I want to emerge the awesome man I was born to be, not the wounded man this woman tried to break. I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES. I will use the anger, the disappointment and resentment from this disaster of a marriage, and recycle it into ACTION!
I will not allow this bitch, this situation, my fears and insecurities, or any other bullshit to take destroy one more day of my life. Fuck sticking around until I have money – I’d rather be broke and living with my parents than in this cesspool of dead energy for one more fucking day!!!

Don’t. Forget. This.

Non-Approach Anxiety

I don't think my "Approach Anxiety" is cured, not by a longshot, but this "inner game" work is starting to create some awesome shifts in my thinking.

I’m working through Hypnotica’s “Reinventing Yourself” program. As usual, I’m just amazed with the quality of his product. I’ve gone through maybe a fifth of the program, and already I’d say I highly recommend it. One thing I like is that he keeps pushing that you need to take action and not be a passive listener – no KJ’ing!

I posted the first exercise below– a list of goals. Now I’m going through his second exercise, which seemed lame but is actually kind of cool. I went out, looked at women I would want to approach, slow down my thoughts and find the first thought that pops into my head. I took a pad of paper to jot down these thoughts.

The thoughts seemed to fall into certain patterns: “I don’t want to disturb her/ interrupt what she’s doing/ butt into her conversation;” “Her body language says she’s not interested;” and “I don’t know how to approach this situation, so I’ll come off as a jackass.” I expected a lot of negative thoughts. What surprised me was that I found quite a few situations where my initial thought was “I should talk to her,” or a variation, which was “I dunno,” followed by “I really want to talk to her.” There were a few where the first thought was “wow, that was a connection!” followed by a sharp feeling of disappointment at not following through.

I have to admit, there are a lot of mixed emotions here. I have to separate my values from this exercise a little, or every thought would be “I’m married. This is wrong.” But despite all this, and despite the fact that the exercise is supposed to be a fact-finding mission, I couldn’t help but start a couple conversations. This was enlightening, because approach has always been something where I had to push myself into it and fight through the fear. Now I was experiencing non-approach anxiety – making eye contact, checking the women out and then not going up and saying something felt weird.

Maybe I really am starting to get more outgoing?? At least this confirms for me that this "inner game" stuff is producing real results and not just false states and mental masturbation. I know this stuff works, but this puts that nagging little voice to rest.

"Reinventing Yourself" Goals

I've starte on Hypnotica's "Reinventing Yourself" program. The first set of exercises is goals. here they are:

1. When I am around women, I have a powerful, sexy presence which creates instant and powerful attraction. I carry on fascinating conversations which deepen their attraction. My voice tone, body language, facial expressions, attitude, beliefs and demeanor are all fully aligned to display the powerful, sexy, charismatic man that I am.

2. In all social situations, I am outgoing, friendly, funny and the life of the party. I am “the man” in any situation, engaging in interesting conversations with everybody I meet, making everybody feel special, and projecting a relaxed, fun, powerful presence anytime and anywhere. My conversation style, facial expressions, voice tone, body language, demeanor and attitude are all fully aligned and convey a fun, powerful leader who enjoys people and has fun in any social situation.

3. I make and keep friends easily and create for myself a fascinating and dynamic social life. Even when I’m in a situation where I have no friends or social network, I know I can easily create such a life for myself and take action to bring the people I want into my life. My actions, body language, voice tone, attitude and beliefs are all fully aligned to reflect a man who is perfectly comfortable with who he is, who knows he can create for himself a great social life, and who is the kind of fun, interesting man that people are drawn to and want to be friends with.

4. When I am speaking to women, I captivate their attention and know just how to build the attraction. Through humor, playfulness, creativity and my strong sexual presence, I create attraction and sexual chemistry. I skillfully create sexual tension and lead the conversation whatever way I want to go. I can take the conversation all the way to sex on the first meeting with any woman. The more beautiful the woman, the easier it is to lead her to sex.

5. I have a powerful sexual confidence which radiates from me in my conversation, voice tone, body language, attitude, demeanor and presence. Women know instantly that I’m a sexually confident man.

6. I have access to a seemingly endless supply of beautiful, interesting, fun, sexy women who I can have at any time for dates, fuck buddies or girlfriends. I enjoy the women in my life on my terms and easily find more women to include in this category as I just go about my life.

7. I am an incredible lover. I know how to make a woman feel more satisfied than she’s ever felt. I lead my woman or women in the bedroom through an unforgettable experience, opening her up to pleasures she has never experienced before. My skills, the way I command respect, the way I guide her mind and fantasies, the way I touch her, the way I tease her, the way I make love to her, all give her an unforgettable experience of pleasure. My body language, voice tone, conversation and attitude are all fully aligned and convey that I am certain that if I were to choose to sleep with her, it would be the best experience of her life.

8. I have a rock star presence. People can feel me from the moment I walk into the room. Women are attracted to me before they even lay eyes on me, just from my presence. When I talk to people, I create a space that makes them feel special. When I talk to women, I create a sapce around us that amplifies the attraction. Everybody is paying attention to me and wants to know who this awesome man is.

9. My love life is one of complete integrity. I convey exactly who I am and I am completely congruent with my values, beliefs and desires. Because of this, women find me refreshing and even more attractive.

10. My life is one of balance and I am on my path. My voice tone, body language, conversation, attitude and beliefs are all fully aligned to my purpose in life. Women are an enhancement to my life and they follow my path. I am a fulfilled, happy, satisfied, mature, masculine man.

Getting Angry and Frustrated - Motivation to Action

In conjunction with my previous post, I've been dealing with some things that have made me very angry and frustrated. They've made me realize I'm living in a small world, that I'm not challenging myself enough, that I'm still looking around for permission to live the life I really want.

I stumbled on some old pictures of my father-in-law's, pictures of a woman he was dating - nekked pictures. She looked really good. (Why he settled on the lame wife he married, I have no idea, but that's not the point here.) My thought was "well, this is bullshit - why the fuck am I being such a lamewad? If he can do it, then there's no limit to what I can do."

I saw some old pictures of my wife, probably from her early thirties. I used to get angry about things like this, because I'd think of her exes. This time I looked at them and thought "I should be with THIS woman, or better looking, not the one I'm with!"

It was this innate feeling of "dammit, I can do better than this! A lot better! And I need to stop making excuses!"

Then I saw BigSend's latest lay report. My thought was that I'm sick of making excuses, it's time to take fucking action and make something of my life. My next thought is "why the fuck do I need to see these things to get me off my ass and doing something? Shouldn't I be able to see this for myself without looking for permission?"

So I'm in this"angry and frustrated" mode, but it's a good thing. It ties with my last post - okay, I'm pissed. Now what am I going to do about it? Leave my wife and start puckup again? It's good to focus my mind on action, to channel these feelings into creative energy. Why should other people be enjoying the life I want while I'm suffering through this life I don't want? Why can't I just go out and join those people right now and start living my life?

It also reinforces on an emotional level that there's no excuse for selling myself short. I want the best for myself. I want to be fulfilled, to have a kickass social and dating life, to have the life I really want with no excuses.

I'm fucking sick and tired of watching the world pass me by while I'm stuck in a life I don't want. So I'm going to really feel that feeling of anger and frustration and use it as my guide.

Next time I'm deciding between action and inaction, I'll think about that feeling. Next time I think about settling into an exclusive relationship instead of being a player, I'll think about that feeling. Next time I worry about money, being lonely, or how hard change will be, I'll think about that feeling and how much it sucks to feel that life is passing me by, that other people are enjoying the life I want while I'm in a prison of my own creation.

I consider these observations to be a gift. They're my spiritiual kick in the ass. I want the sexy woman that the other guys got, not the lame, tired woman who used to be cool and who is now living with me in this predicament. I want a young, beautiful woman. I want young, beautiful women. I want to control my own destiny, not to feel obligated to someone.

I don't want to worry another second about what my wife thinks of me, or what was going on with her and her exes. I want someone a million times better than her, and I'm going to find it, then another, and another, and another. No more indecision and inaction, life is too fucking short for that bullshit.

"What specifically are you doing?"

Sometimes I feel like this "inner game" stuff is a waste of time, that I'm just killing time until I can get the hell out of this predicament and start actually living in the real world again.

Then I find my mind saying and doing things, and I think "this is actually working!"

I was in my complaining phase, feeling that my life stinks, that my sex life is a joke, that I have no hobbies I can enjoy (I have hobbies, but no access to them), that I can't connect with my friends, that I'm getting stale as a person.

Then my mind asks me "What specifically are you doing to fix this problem? What actual steps are you taking now to make your life into the life you want?"

Okay, so I've been diligently going through the "On Being a Man" program, doing these affirmations, this reframing, the "Power Sexuality" program and lately some powerful stuff with Hypnotica and AMP. So my thoughts and beliefs are changing. I'm not dependent on my wife, I don't look to her for approval, I'm completely changing my self image and self esteem.

But what specific steps have I taken to improve my life? I've been actively socializing, at the company happy hours, at other happy hours I go to on my own and out and about. It's not as much as I'd like to do, but it's something, and it's working. I'm becoming way more social and outgoing.

What else am I doing? I'm going to the gym as much as I can, usually 3-4 days a week. I'm more involved as a father. I'm starting to reconnect with old long-lost friends.

But in the aspects of my life that really disappoint me, the deficiencies that are "marriage-related" and are the reason I'm looking to leave this relationship as soon as I can, what am I doing? What am I doing to reconnect with my hobbies? What am I doing to gain sexual power and fulfillment, perhaps from self-validation? How am I being more dominant as a lover, expressing myself because it's what I want to do, instead of just doing what I already know she wants and likes?

I'm making myself better on the inside, but where's the action to go with it?