A PROFOUND Realization About "Her Exes"

I was going through and exercise "What Makes Me Uncomfortable and What's the Underlying Reason for It?"

I started with my biggest issue over the past couple years - my wife's exes. Here's how it went:

Thinking about my wife’s exes makes me very uncomfortable, particularly what I know about T, her ex from Montana and her continued attachment to G. I compare her experiences with them to us – I wonder what they were doing with her in bed, for instance (like what made T so damn good), and whether she really thinks our sex is any good in comparison. I find our sex to be pretty lousy, unsatisfying and disappointing, so I assume her past experiences were better as well and that she’s lying to me, too.

She was younger when she was with them, so I think I should be with a younger, more attractive woman, that I’m settling on some lamewad’s leftovers and should be expecting more from myself.

I look at our relationship and experiences and think about what I know about her past experiences with them and feel a tremendous disappointment, because they had much better experiences with her, while my experiences in this marriage have been pretty miserable.
As I work through this, I can see that my insecurity is actually a projection of my own sadness, frustration and disappointment with my marriage. I worry that she doesn’t like our sex life because I don’t like our sex life. I worry that she’s pining away for her exes because I’ve wished I was with my exes instead of marrying her (now I wish I were alone, so I’ve evolved past that one – one small step). I worry that she’s looking elsewhere or cheating because I’m miserable and looking around.

It’s all me. It always was. G pisses me off because he’s older and uglier than me, yet he dated a younger and prettier version of my wife. So I think I should be doing better, because I certainly should be doing better than HIM. And I should be doing better than THIS. My insecurity with T is because I’m SO frustrated and unhappy with our sex life, not because I really think I can’t hold my own in bed.

And these feelings were there from the beginning because deep down I KNEW I wasn’t happy, this wasn’t what I wanted, and I was miserable. I still cannot fathom why all of these guys waited for her to dump them, and then hung around trying to get her back. If she dumped me, I’d be doing fucking CARTWHEELS out the door! As it is, every time she threatens to pull the plug, even if I say it sounds like a good idea, or even if I GOAD her into it, she pulls back. I wish she’d end this, but I have a feeling I’m going to have to be the bad guy.

Because I fully believe that women I desire are having sex and have had sex with other men and that’s a good thing. I feel that in my heart as a liberating truth, yet I can’t cross it over to her exes. Why? Because I’m projecting my profound unhappiness on them, while “the women I desire” aren’t attached to disappointment and sadness. Even my “exes exes” don’t hold that place with me – I acknowledge them maturely, because I don’t have such bad feeling wrapped up into them.

WHOA… this all came out JUST NOW! It’s the kind of truth that stings like a dagger in my chest. I put a lot of importance into this relationship (DUH… it’s a MARRIAGE), and the disappointment really hurts. To cope, I’ve been projecting it onto her exes – they’re not there, which makes it easy. This keeps me from having to fully face my reality.

Now I'm facing it - FUCK! How could I have been so blind for so long??

I’m feeling a lot of sadness right now.

Affirmations Update

I have changed my affirmations. I realize I need to take a step back and really focus on BEING THE MAN from the deepest sense. So I've focused most of my attention on connecting with that primal man within:

Getting present with my body and my masculine power

Being a real man.

Letting go of anger and frustration (my biggest stumbling block next to fear)

Being outgoing and beign committed to being a social man.

So here they are, for the next three weeks:

Anchors:

I exude an awesome, loving ENERGY which draws people to me and invigorates me. This is symbolized in the word ENERGY.

I am carefree. I have fun no matter what happens. I enjoy the moment, expect nothing and am completely detached from any outcome. This is symbolized in the word INDIFFERENCE.

I am fully connected and present to my strong, primal, raw, masculine POWER. It is located in the area of my diaphragm. It is the POWER I draw when I need to rescue and protect people. It is symbolized in the word POWER.

Affirmations:

I am a real man – a pillar of strength and a source of grounding ENERGY and masculine POWER, fully committed to my purpose and desires.

I let go of my anger and frustration. I actively identify and fully confront the sources of my anger and frustration, and I forgive and fully let go of past wrongs and hurt.

I am a strong, dominant and attentive father. I guide my children lovingly and discipline them firmly.

I am outgoing, magnetic and charming, so I love meeting new people, make new friends easily and people love hanging out with me.

I am becoming more outgoing, friendly and extroverted every day.

I am fully present in my body, strong and vigorous, and present with my primal, masculine POWER.

I deserve beautiful women. I deserve to fuck beautiful women hard and good. Beautiful women deserve me. Beautiful women deserve to be fucked hard and good by me.

This last one seems like one of the old ones that was "off course," worrying about getting women before getting myself where I need to be, but actually this one taps directly into that primal nature. I realize I have been detached from that primal sexual nature. I started this affirmation a couple days ago and then gave the Mrs. a good, primal fuck and felt VERY connected to that inner masculine.

A Disturbing Weekend

I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the weekend. It started with me not wanting to go to My father-in-law’s, seven hours away, which led to a huge fight, and probably permanently damaged our marriage. I was exhausted, mentally and physically. I was sick and tired of dealing with my whiny, needy wife, my whiny, needy kid and a bunch of milquetoasts at work. On top of that, I am going through a lot of personal changes as I move from “introverted” to “outgoing and extroverted,” a transformation that is taking place, but it is taking a lot of energy to move that needle.

I have no real outlets. I’ve been so busy taking care of every problem of my wife, listening to every drama, dealing with a baby and a needy nine-year-old I haven’t had time for myself to decompress and just enjoy life. I know I should have been right there supporting her but I was at my end. I still had to get a present for my older son, whose birthday was Sunday, I was running to get a humidifier for the babyand I didn’t want to deal with this.

I acted badly. I wanted to do the right thing, but I couldn’t stop myself from balking, giving into fatigue. Then when the fight started, that angry part of me took over. I know why I’m angry – my life is so far from what I want it’s maddening. My marriage is a complete disappointment. I know I deserve far better than this life and this relationship. I’m forcing myself to live in a situation that isn’t what I want. It’s no wonder I’m angry.

So the fight dragged on. I was remorseful, but the reality remains. I really don’t want to be in this relationship, but I want to help My wife through her difficult situation. I have to fully accept reality, let go of the anger, and do the right thing. In the meantime, I can work on myself and my personal growth. I’ll emerge a real man, an outgoing personality and a strong, authentic presence.

I was wrong to fight. I need to let go of the anger. I’ve given up on the marriage, but I still care about my wife and I want to do right by her right now. So I need to accept reality and let go of all the past hurt and disappointments that led to my decision that this isn’t what I want. I’ve let go of the marriage, and I’ve chosen to stick through this right now because it’s the right thing to do by My wife. I need to let go of the reasons I’m done with this and just focus on being her friend.

Somehow we got through the fight and went up with the baby to her dad’s. When we were there we met His “wife” . We actually had a discussion with her, and it was disturbing. She’s never around to take care of her dying husband, and it was clear from her answers to our questions that she doesn’t love him or care about him at all. No sadness over his situation; no compassion for what My wife’s going through; no guilt for leaving him alone to fend for himself. She said flat-out “he’s not leaving me anything,” so she didn’t feel she needed to take care of him. She added “well, I’m not getting a paycheck for (taking care of him), so I have to focus on my own future.” Un-Fucking-Believable!

It was one of the most disturbing conversations I’ve ever had with someone. I’ve never met someone so cold, callous and selfish in my life. I always thought there was some good in everybody, but there was NONE in her. She’s a sociopath, devoid of a conscience.
Even more scary, I can see parts of her attitude and personality that apply to me. I’ve allowed my resentment and anger to suffocate the love in my heart. I need to let that go – NOW – and get back to being the loving, genuine me.

The next day, the bitch called My father-in-law to complain about our confrontation with her – we were very calm and considerate, no yelling or abusive language. I told her I felt sad for her and hoped she’d change her ways. But she started in about how awful we were to her, we overheard it, and I exploded. I told My father-in-law off, saying His “wife” was evil, that everybody hated her, that I couldn’t stand by and let this continue. I was furious! I regained my center and apologized for going off like that, but looking back I think that was a “good” emotional outburst. It came from a place of love and concern, not anger. There’s good outrage that is a verbal slap on the forehead to get someone’s attention, and he needed that. Of course, I don’t like being out of control like that, but in that case it was good.

I’m still trying to process everything. I was so uncomfortable being around that woman, it took me completely off my game for days. I was kind of an asshole at work yesterday, just not myself.

So what are the lessons? I need to operate from a place of love and authenticity. I don’t want to stay married to My wife, but I’m going about this the right way now. I’m being her friend and companion when she really needs one, I’ve stopped being a selfish jerk and I really do care about her happiness. So I’ve found the right place, but I’m holding onto all this resentment and anger because the marriage isn’t working out. It’s causing me to suppress my inner love and be inauthentic. I need to let that go, accept reality, accept that I do care about My wife even if the disappointment of the relationship breaks my heart. I need to accept this fully and honestly, accept the reality, work through the hurt and let go, and I need to do this now, not wait until the bitter end to start this process.

What other lessons are there? I need to work more on not letting negative energy affect my personality. I have to accept that evil does exist and be more aware of it. And sometimes losing control and acting emotional is the right thing to do.

My Bitchiness and an Instant Turnaround!

Okay, I know I'm not supposed to complain, but I deserve to bitch a little. So here goes:

This morning, my wife had two things to say to me, “will you get me some coffee?” in an annoyed tone. Maybe it was even “will you at least get me some coffee,” but that was the implied, if not explicit, message. This was after she left the bedroom door open when she got up at 5:45. The other thing she had to say was “so, are you going to help me with my car, or will I have to get a cab?” Unbelievable, considering all the things I've done to support her, the sacrifices I've made... fucking bullshit!!

I hate mornings. I’m so tired and not with it. But I just operated out of the old habits. I still haven’t changed enough. I got her the coffee without calling her out on her attitude. And I said I’d help her with the car without immediately calling her out. I subsequently sent her a text: “WTF was with your taxi comment?” But that’s too little, too late.

As often as she checks out, and as seldom as she follows through, my wifeis a real hypocrite with this attitude. She needs to spend a lot more time working on herself and acknowledging her flaws and a LOT less time judging others.

I know… “neediness free zone.” But it’s draining when I have to live with this bullshit. Draining and educating.

As I’m going through this process, one of the ways I can measure my growth is to see what areas of my current life are starting to irritate me. This is a good sign, because it means there are parts of my life that are incongruent because my personality is changing and no longer accepting things.

One of these irritations is the total lack of a social life in my current arrangement. My wife goes to bed early, and just expects me to hang out with her and live her life. But her job schedule is her problem – I want a life! I deserve a life. But I haven’t been irritated enough up to now to demand that life, because part of me was afraid of going out and being social, so I liked being in my comfort zone. Now that I enjoy social interaction, that comfort zone feels very uncomfortable.

Another irritation, and this was an irritation way before my current quest for growth, is her general hostility toward my doing things for myself, like going to the gym, enjoying happy hours at work (which are on company time and paid for by the company), and even having dinner on my own. Part of this is her jealousy, which is fucked up. Part of this is also her deep-seeded resistance to my being more social – he’s becoming more social and independent/ he’s going to find someone else and leave me. She SHOULD be worried, but it should be more like this “I’m being too controlling, needy and demanding, which is depriving my husband of his life essence. He is inevitably going to fulfill his destiny. So if I keep resisting and trying to control him, he’ll become more resentful and leave. I better clean up my act.”

She could add: “I’ve totally neglected my husband in the bedroom. I realize that my husband is a sexy, desirable man with a healthy sex drive, so he’s going to find his fulfillment one way or another. If I keep neglecting him, he will find someone else and/ or leave. I better figure out what’s wrong and take measures to fix it unless I’m okay with sharing or losing my husband.”
I could also add the affirmation: “Monkeys are now flying out of my asshole.” Some things even the Law of Attraction can’t resolve.

So I came to work all pissy, and then it changed in an instant! Two auditors showed up, and they’re HOT! So I was playing host, being social and charming and enjoying the vibe – so easy and natural, like this is what I’m SUPPOSED to be doing. Meanwhile, the new, and also very hot, receptionist is trying to get my attention and introduce herself to me, so I take a moment to ask her a few questions and welcome her to the company. So I go from being pissed and bummed about my lack of social options to being a bit of the “Mayor,” as Brent describes. Now I feel like my new self again – woohoo!!

Current Affirmations and "Power Words"

The affirmations are kicking ass. I'm being FAR more outgoing and socially confident and just being a real man in all aspects of my life. Here's what I'm using now:

I exude/radiate an awesome, loving energy which draws people to me and invigorates me. This affirmation is embodied in the word "ENERGY." (Working on some stacking here.)

I have a great time everywhere I am just being me, meeting new people and sharing my ENERGY with others.

I am outgoing, magnetic and charming, so guys want to hang out with me and women are attracted to me, pursue me and seduce me.

I am completely detached from the outcome when it comes to sex, so I just enjoy the experience without a care. Whatever happens during sex always has a positive effect on me. (I was putting WAAAAAAAYYYYYY too much importance on the act and the outcome, so this is to "reset" as I go about my training.)

My ENERGY is irresistible, so women approach me and compete over me.

"Power Words"

I'm also working on some "anchors," that is affirmations I want to have in my life at all times and call up with a one-word power affirmation. I can also stick that "power word" into other affirmations, multiplying their effectiveness. This is something I'm trying on my own and it's effective. So far, "ENERGY" is anchored.

Some others I've written out and am working on anchoring:

I am carefree. I have fun no matter what happens. I enjoy the moment, want nothing, and am detached from any outcome. This affirmation is embodied in the word "INDIFFERENCE."

I am powerful and feel my power growing everyday. I have an awesome presence. I keep my power for me, never giving it away to others. I don't give status to others until they prove to me they are worthy of it. I give myself the highest possible status at all times. This belief is embodied in the word "POWER."

Some other "Power Words" I am going to generate (there will be seven in all):

WEALTH - Monetary wealth, abundance mentality
SUCCESS - Belief all goals are achieved, delivering for myself my every desire
PRESENCE - Social aura, confidence, masculinity, dominance
PATIENCE - Belief in LOA, letting things happen in their due time, relaxing, trusting the process, enjoying the moment without worry (perhaps the most important one of all)

So the seven "Power Words," when I'm finished with this effort, will be:

ENERGY. WEALTH. POWER. SUCCESS. INDIFFERENCE. PRESENCE. PATIENCE.

After I master creating and integrating these "power words" into my life, I'll write my bestselling self-help book "The Seven Power Words for the Successful Man" (I'm kind of joking about this, because it seems like the formula for a cheesy self-help ripoff book. But hey, maybe I'll get this shit so together that I can create a useful and effective instruction manual that actually helps guys out with this stuff, instead of ripping them off with a cheesy gimmick.

Stepping out of the Past: My Meditation Vision

As of this moment I am reborn a new man, separate from my past. I have extracted all the lessons from my past experiences, and I am no longer attached to those past experiences. I forgive all who have wronged me and let go of the hurt and anger. Those people and experiences are no longer a part of me. I only carry the lessons and the people I currently welcome into my life. I forgive myself for all the wrongs I’ve done and things I’ve done and later regretted. The actions were those of a boy or a boy personality who no longer exists. Those experiences are not mine. I let them go, keeping only the lessons.

I now have no emotional attachment to my past. I separate the past from my being, let it go, and watch it sink forever into oblivion, never to be recovered. I move forward unburdened and unaffected by anything that went before. It is as if that was the life of another person. As of this moment, I am a new man, unencumbered by what transpired before. I feel light and liberated with no emotional attachment whatsoever with the past.

I step forward into a new man entirely of my own creation, a product of my own positive beliefs and desires. My now former past is only an abstract thought with no emotion. It was somebody else's life. I feel only in the present.

Inner Game Exercises

I'm starting to realize that living my own home is probably the most intense "inner game" exercise available, hahaha. It's a fucking expensive boot camp, though, and I think I'd get laid with more frequency at any of the other bootcamps. Ah well. Go with what you got...

Where was I?

I finished reading “The Power of Your Subconscious Mind,” and I highly recommend it. I thought I’d get one thing out of it, and the affirmation stuff is very important. What I didn’t expect was that the book would expose some big holes in my belief system.

First, I haven’t been practicing forgiveness and gratitude. These are HUGE elements to creating a good life and real masculinity. I’ve adjusted my affirmations and goals to include these essential elements.

Second, I have neglected the desire to find the good in others. This is one of my basic strengths, but I’ve become so focused on repelling the negative I’ve neglected accepting, embracing and celebrating the good. This is another huge piece.

I have purchased and downloaded a huge number of recorded affirmations at William Marshall’s http://www.poweraffirmations.com

I don’t recommend them yet. I’m test-driving them, putting about 40 minutes worth on a playlist and running it through a loop a couple times a day. I’ll keep track of the results and post those results here.

I checked out a couple books at the library, one of my “family activities,” which I did for my older son to get caught up on his reading. I checked out “Iron John” by Robert Bly and “Why Men Do the Things They Do.” And my son did a good job with his reading - I'm proud of him, he's really applying himself now! After I read them, I’ll provide my book reports.

Negative to Positive: Being a Man as a Father

I’m getting a lot more joy and happiness out of these weekends when my oldest son is over. I see him every other weekend, and it's been a strain on the marriage - at least it was when my focus was on the marriage. I've reclaimed my center and my fatherhood.

Since I stopped getting taken off-center by my wife's reactions, and since I’m being more assertive in my parenting, it feels a lot better and I’m getting far more enjoyment and fulfillment from my children. As stressful and busy as these weekends are, they are also the most important times of my life and I’m appreciating them a lot more.

With her bad attitude toward my parenting and toward my oldest son, my wife had done a good job of taking the joy out of my fatherhood. I had let her effectively emasculate me when it comes to my boys, because I was fearful of her reaction. In the past, she had threatened to get a divorce because of something or other that wasn’t going according to her narrow and selfish viewpoint. Either my oldest son was being too “rude” or “disrespectful,” I wasn’t paying enough attention to her on these weekends, I didn’t show enough care and attention for our baby, or some other thing would come up and cause her to launch into her temper tantrum.

She would never show this to my son – or she’d be gone yesterday – but she had no problem giving me the full brunt of her rage, disrespect and bad attitude. At first, I got defensive and responded in kind. This led to some HUGE fights with mutual outrage, sleepless nights and mutual misery. Eventually, I tried avoidance, anything to keep her from exploding. In other words, I gave away my power. So my son suffered, because the weekend revolved around my wife's wishes.

Then I had enough and started practicing indifference. She’d get upset, I didn’t care. When she insulted me or said nasty things about my son – such as calling me a “loser,” a “jerk,” or calling my son a “fucking kid,” I’d call her on her bad behavior, tell her firmly that I wasn’t going to tolerate her disrespect, and wouldn’t let her change the subject. Eventually she would apologize.

I began asserting my own parenting wishes – I’d make arrangements to share the caretaking time with the baby so each of us had time to do things on our own. Then I’d have one-on-one time with my oldest son, she could go shopping or whatever, and I’d also get to enjoy some time with both brothers enjoying each other. And if the Mrs. got upset or gave me attitude, I adopted the attitude that this is her unfortunate character flaw, and I’m bigger than this. I simply refused to give her what she wanted or allow myself to get upset with her bad attitude. She would still be upset, but the burden was on her to get over herself.

In addition, I’ve become more assertive as a father. I actively discipline the boys (as appropriate), I take control of the agenda for the day, I insist on certain things being done, and I represent my family with pride when we’re out in the community, acting as the representative for my family to the community at large. I’ve also learned to evict the little bitch boy that gets upset when I have to do work or the kids don’t do what I want them to do. I’ve practiced patience and personal discipline, and I’ve made myself be more involved directly with my children.

This process has been INCREDIBLY empowering. I’m fathering like a man and getting more enjoyment out of my parenting. I’m more present and enjoying the moment. I’m keeping my power by not letting my wife’s unreasonable and unacceptable attitude and behavior toward me affect me and not trying to placate the beast. I’ve learned to stand up to the bad behavior and enforce my boundaries – it’s great to have my testicles back!

I need to keep working at this, but I’m on the right path and doing the right things. Some might wonder why I don’t just leave the Mrs. and her unacceptable attitude, but there is a value in learning to stand up to the woman and not just running away. I can face the beast, remain unaffected, and know things will be fine and I can build an awesome life no matter what attitude she has at any moment.

If she gets upset, that's her problem. If she wants a divorce, fine, I'll pack my bags. If she gets over herself and feels sorry, great, but don't expect me to do what you want just because you act like a bratty little girl.

That’s real power, and I can draw on that confidence in future relationships. And she’s not mistreating my older son – I’m looking out for him. She takes it all out on me, and I’ve created an emotional force field, so her powers are useless on me. Sure, I can do better, but I’ll take the appropriate steps when the time is right FOR ME, not run away just because the beast is getting angry. I live my life for me and my children.

Everything happens for a reason. Negatives can be turned into powerful positives.

Backing Up - What's This All About?

It's important to step back and figure out what this is about. Where do I want to do, where I am, where I've been, where I'm going.

So I'll spend a little time on the past. I want to emotionally detach from the past, but first I need to get real with it, make friends with it and absorb the lessons.

Some of my old stuff is still out on the Internet, which is a trip. I'm glad guys get something out of these writings, but my own relationship with that period is mixed.

I started my dating life as a dateless wonder, the high school "nerd," the WBAFC. I went to college, had some success, so I moved up to AFC - manipulated by girlfriends, settling, insecure about breaking up because I wondered if I'd find someone, neediness. It was pathetic, but at least I was in the game and getting laid.

Out of college, I was lost, very lonely, very needy. I settled on someone WAYYYYYY below my level - old, unattractive, not a good compatibility match - and I married her. After a few years, I did some things that booseted my confidence, including running for public office and becoming a father. Nothing matures you faster than fatherhood, and I went through some heavy experiences that grew me up fast.

After going through those expereiences, I felt that I wanted more in my life. I expanded my deservedness. I used David DeAngelo's products and came to the realization that I deserved better.

So I got out of that marriage and fell into a vortex of neediness, fear and desperation. I was suffering MASSIVE panic attacks, I was so unsure of myself and afraid my life was going to be a disaster. I dated a girl, had built the attraction the right way, then turned into a total wuss and she broke up with me.

I used that as my inspiration. I started rebuilding my life from scratch. All my so-called friends had left because I had abandoned my real friends and just hung out with my ex-wife's friends. So I had NO life. It was fucking scary. But I survivied and started building a life. Soon I was dating again, dating better looking women than I'd ever dated before, having better relationships and having fun discovering new things I loved to do.

I'm proud of that stretch of my life. This was the first time I was really living. I kept building on this, learning more, dating more and having more options. It evolved into my foray into "chick juggling" where I was dating three or four women at a time and doing a little rotation.

This is when I started my first blog, which was a chance for me to log my development, think out loud about things going on in the community, in my life and in life in general, and brag. I really needed that outlet at that point in my life because I'd spent thirty one years of my life in SUCKY realtionships and really not living life. So I broke out of that prison, and I wanted to boast.

But I was NOT a PUA. Not even CLOSE. I was still AFC, but a very happy and successful AFC who understood the process but who hadn't crossed the threshhold. For me, that was a big step.

In my next post, I'll talk about what happened after that. Have a great weekend!

I DIG Approach Anxiety!!

So I talked to that cute girl on Wednesday, and things… got a little better!

I’ve started getting out of my head, and it felt good! Now the recent affirmations, which were starting to seem lame and ineffective, are being integrated.

I was WAAYYYYY too much in my head, to the point that I’d psyched myself out. So I was pretty fearful at approach, which was all the more reason to charge in. So I did, talking to cute women, making strong eye contact, just jumping in to the game.

And… it was… fine. Really. I talked to the cute girl I couldn’t get myself to talk to before, put aside all limiting beliefs, kept the conversation going, ended it first, and it was good. Then I did it again. It was no big deal. I had that major rush of nervous energy, but I kept my composure and had fun. I can handle this, even with the pressure on.

Aside from practicing courage, I got a takeaway, which was confirmed today. Most of these “hot chicks” that seem so inaccessible and with it are actually pretty insecure, often shy and pretty normal people. Like the adage about the bears, “they’re more scared of you than you are of them.”

Once that sinks in, it’s easy to focus on having interest and concern for her, putting her at ease and just being myself. In that mind frame, it’s much easier to avoid neediness and avoid giving the woman status, because I can see I really have done far more work on myself than 90% of these women have done with themselves.

So the “manly lesson” is that I need to be the leader, to take charge, because I really AM the high-status person. I need to be a responsible male leader and lead the woman through a comfortable conversation. She’s got her own fears and issues going on, as well as her hopes of finding a good guy, or just having an enjoyable time, and I can provide that by just being myself, being the man and leading.

And it wasn’t one experience, although introducing myself to that one girl yesterday was the catalyst, but all of a sudden they pop up all over. Women wanting me to initiate contact. Women trying to get my attention from their CAR even. Pretty cool, but the lesson is the same, so that’s the reference I’m coming from.

And suddenly, in that moment, all this training that seemed like useless overkill started integrating. So I feel I’m on a path now to tremendous growth.

I liked the fear, the adrenaline rush. It felt good. I wanted more. I can build on this.

I also realized that this marriage, my approach to this whole relationship, and my response to wife's bad behavior has left me in a very weakened state. My self esteem is in disrepair, and it’s going to take a while to fix things up and get moving. Everything I’m doing is in the right direction, but there’s some catch-up work to do. Far from being good for me, the wife has been very bad for me. Learning to deal with this situation will be good for me in the long-run, but putting up with second-class behavior, living a second-rate lifestyle, putting up with a fourth-rate sex life, acting needy, outcome dependent, jealous and fearful, this has put me, from a psychic standpoint, in a very bad place.

I’ve got a long ways to go to dig out from this relationship mistake. The neediness-free zone is a very good start.

I’ve also figured out my calling – to be the a spiritual, psychic and psychological healer. YES!!!

And I was able to build on this momentum during the week. I was a social leader yesterday during parts of the meeting (BRUTAL meeting), kind of playing host. I was very outgoing to coworkers. I was making connections even at friggin’ TARGET last night! I actually ENJOY that feeling of approach anxiety, kind of like riding a roller coaster.

The indifference/ “neediness free zone” at home is going SOLID! I had these great two days, then the wife attacks me at home. We’ve had some intense sex lately, she’s LOVED it! I also got out the massage table and gave her a full-body massage, which she loves and is very spiritually recharging for me.

My affirmations (I take these in shifts):

The big one is “I exude an awesome energy which draws people to me and invigorates me.”

Then there’s a two-set: “I have a great time everywhere I am.” “I enjoy meeting new people and I want nothing from them.”

Then there’s this set: “My sex life is completely fulfilling. I have an abundance of sexual opportunities and I take advantage of them. I receive an abundance of sexual pleasure. I give women incredible sexual pleasure.”

And one more, I do on occasion, usually when the time is right: “My sexual energy is automatically drawn into my body. It feels awesome. I have to force myself if I want to ejaculate.” (And, yes, I'm getting results with this one!)

I just got a hold of a “Power Affirmation” course and coaching session for free, so we’ll see if I can supercharge these affirmations. I’ll read the book, along with “The Power of Your Subconscious Mind,” this weekend.

It’s starting to come together!

Onward!

Information overload...

I've been doing a ton of head-work and it's getting to be a lot!

I came across an inner game program from the "Authentic Man Program" which appears to be very congruent with my personal beliefs and perspective. Then I accessed a podcast from the famous Brent Smith, and that COMPLETELY agrees with my personal belief, which is that all game is inner game.

Then "The Power of Your Subconscious Mind" came in. More building on the affirmations, which I believe in.

The problem is it's "Affirmation Overload." They work, and I believe even the crazy affirmations can work if the belief system is in place. But I think I'm taking on too much too fast and it's overload!

I need to remember what I'm trying to do. I want to Be the Man, to kill the inner bitch-boy, to gro, to evolve and to live the awesome, incredible life I want to live.

So all these things are great, and certainly a guy like Brent is an awesome role model for living an authentic life. And certainly the AMP stuff is great for bringing out that masculine "inner man," but remember the goal. It's not to pick up chicks. It's not to replace one set of problems with another. It's to fix the real problem once and for all - to evict the inner bitch-boy whose been ruining my life and BE THE MAN!

It's about living life with integrity. It's about patience. It's about saying "no" to the impatience, to the desire for instant gratification, to the need to "do something now" about whatever insecurity I'm feeling. It's about perservering and not quitting when things don't come easily right away. It's about respecting and valuing myself from deep within and expressing the confidence and self esteem.

It's about eliminating neediness, fear and outcome dependence and replacing those negative feelings with feelings of self-esteem, confidence and integrity.

So I've been busy writing these huge lists of affirmations, and certainly some of them are valid. Certainly the affirmations will come true if the beliefs are there. But the better question is, are these the RIGHT affirmations? Are they coming from a place of self-esteem, confidence and integrity, or am I just looking to transport my baggage to a different lifestyle? Is the bitch-boy going to be killed, or just transferred to another department?

THAT'S the question. So here's the list of "affirmations," which I'm thinking I'll look at twice a day for inspiration:

I am a player

I am relaxed and carefree.

I have a great time everywhere I am.

I enjoy meeting new people and I want nothing from them.

Whatever happens, I’m happy with it.

I don’t take myself seriously
.
I charge through every open door.

I exude an awesome energy, so people are drawn to me.

I am incredibly sexy, so women compete for my attention.

My value is ever-increasing. My value is separate from any person, experience or outcome.

I only give people status after they prove they deserve it. I always give myself the highest possible status.

I live my life for me. I don’t care what others think.

I was born a natural. I will remove every negative habit and belief and be reborn as the natural, sexy masculine me I was always meant to be.

When I look at people, I hold my gaze and allow it to soften, relax and open. My gaze is filled with kindness, joy and desire.

Like the European lover, I enjoy and express my desire for women.

I am present in my body. I feel sensations without resisting them.

I imagine this is my party, my house, my room, my friends and my guests. I imagine the room is small enough and I’m big enough to easily reach out and put my hands on both opposite walls at the same time.

A lot of these are good, but some have the feeling of "looking for something." They're coming from a place of looking for validation, instead of building my validation from within and having the confidence to know that, if I give myself the status, the external will take care of itself. But the only way I can wean myself off that neediness is to admit it.

Yes, I do look to women for validation. I want women to see me as attractive, I want women to think I'm sexy, to approach me, to hit on me, to be receptive to me, to sleep with me. I want women to think I'm desireable. So there's a neediness, a void that I must fix. I see a part of me as broken, when I have the power to fill this void. So I must purge the urge for validation, recognize the void, and fill it.

And I do so desperately want to be social, to be outgoing, to be that cool guy. And I want people to tell me I'm cool, to acknowledge that I'm nothing like the shy geek I used to be. Again... neediness. I care way too much.

So I used some new affirmations this weekend and practiced "being the mayor." I felt a lot more outgoing, which is a great feeling, and builds a lot of confidence. I struck up conversations with people, I learned some things, I had fun.

Now all I need to do is not give a shit, to be outgoing, have fun and just not care. Be carefree. Don't take myself so seriously. Relax. Want nothing.

Onward.

Becoming a Man: Ending the Affair

Yesterday I ended my affair. I was feeling uneasy with myself over it and realized this was an expression of neediness and second-rate behavior. It was making me think less of myself and be less of a man. So I cut it off and got my integrity back. Cheating, lying and deceit are self-destructive. I'm no more convinced that the marriage is salvagable, but at least I can be fixed. I did this out of respect for me, not because deserves a loyal husband, I don't believe she does. But just because I've lost respect for her is no reason to give up my own self-respect.

This was a good move. I feel very good about this.

I enjoyed being alone last night. It felt good.

I have some new affirmations. I made some yesterday, but I think they suck.

The new couplets are:

I enjoy every experience at it is.
I let go of any concerns over the outcome.

My value is ever increasing.
My value is separate from any person, experience or outcome.

Neediness, Sex, Women and Letting Go

My latest thought process. I'm examining how my neediness has colored my approach to women, my interactions with them and my relationships. I'd say Neediness, along with its partner Outcome Dependence, is the number one enemy of my happiness.

Whether it manifests itself in approach anxiety, shyness, choosing the wrong women, relationship dependence, jealousy, sexual performance issues, unhealthy attitudes toward sex and relationships or self-destructive behavior, Neediness/ Outcome Dependence (N/OD) is at the core of every roadblock when it comes to women and sex. I know this because I know what it's been like to act both with and without N/OD.

So how do I go about getting rid of it?

I started by looking at what needs I'm trying to fill with women, imagining interactions, relationships, all asepects:

Needs I’m looking to fill with women:

Need to be appreciated.
Need to be liked and adored.
Need for attention.
Need to be told I’m good. (To make up for overly-critical mother.)
Need to keep me from feeling lonely. (Because I can’t handle keeping myself company – low self-image.)

Next, I go through the neediness, dig down and find all forms. I realize not all desires are truly "needy," or bad things. Some are natural and should be taken seriously. So first I go through and list everything.

What need am I trying to get when I’m pushy about:

1. Wanting sex. Need to be told I’m great. Need to feel wanted and desired. Need to give pleasure, to know I feel important to her. Need for feminine beauty. Need to express my sexuality. Need for release and to be pleasured. Need to know I’m adored and appreciated. Need for physical, emotional and spiritual connection. Need for enjoyment, pleasure and fun. Need to feel cool in relation to other men. Need to feel secure in relationship.

2. Wanting her to be with me instead of doing her own thing. Need to feel important, that I’m the most important thing in her life. Need to feel valuable. Need to be with someone, instead of being alone. Need to feel secure in relationship.

3. Wanting her to do what I want to do. Need to be in control. Need to feel important. Need to assert my own desires.

4. Not being told what to do/ not being criticized. Need to look good compared to other men. Need to be in control. Need to be right. Need to be perfect. Need to be a leader.

Then I listed out the needs that are destructive and "needy." I found they seem to fit a pattern, that there are a small number of critical areas. So I looked at each area deeply. How does this need relate to women? What am I expecting? Where is the faulty thinking? How can I let go? What would it feel like to be free of this neediness and limiting belief?

A breakdown of the needs, what they mean, and letting go:

1. Need to be told I’m great, to feel important and valued.
I’m looking to women and sex in order to compensate for my not feeling that I’m important or valuable as a man and a lover. (Feeling right now at realizing this – GRIEF!)
Know deep down at my core that I am important and valuable as a man, a father, a lover, an employee, a friend, a brother and a son. Respect myself and learn to see and appreciate my value. Then acknowledge the value of others. I share myself with others who respect me and themselves. I do not look to other people, things or activities to find my value.
I feel how it would be to let go of the need to have women tell me I’m important. I feel how free it would feel to give myself value and not look for women to tell me how important I am.

2. Need to feel wanted and desired.
I’m looking to women and sex to prove to myself that I’m attractive, sexy and desirable. If the woman I’m with isn’t wanting to have sex with me, then at that moment I think less of myself and think she doesn’t want me or appreciate me.
See #1. Know deep down in my core that I am important. Know deep down in my core, and drawing upon a lifetime of experience, that I am very attractive, sexy and desirable. I don’t need “proof” from the world at any given moment, I just need to relax and enjoy my life.
I feel how it would be to just appreciate desiring women and being desired, without needing it to prove something to myself. I feel how liberating and energizing it would feel to let go of the need and be free to enjoy being attractive from within without assigning meaning to any particular experience.

3. Looking to others for permission to feel sexual.
I don’t feel comfortable with my sexuality, so I’m afraid to express myself or admit my desires. Conversely, I might be too pushy or try too hard, to “prove” to myself I’m sexual, instead of just relaxing and getting in touch with my natural masculine sexuality.
I feel how it would be to be free to be the sexual man that I am inside, without any self doubt, fully secure and comfortable with my feelings, thoughts and desires.

4. Need to feel cool in relation to other men.
I look to women and sex to prove to myself that I’m cool, that I’m no longer the geek I once was and that I’m worthy to hang out with other men. I think that how many women I have sex with, how many times I have sex with them, whether I can “be the best lover ever,” how attractive the woman is and how desired she is by other men makes me cool, makes me more of a man and means I’m no longer the geek in school who nobody liked.
Know deep in my core that I have nothing to prove, that my relationship with women won’t make me any more or less cool or any more or less of a man. My relationships with women are about my own fulfillment and happiness, not about running away from the image of myself as a child. Feel how it would be to be free of the need to use women to prove myself to other men, that I can enjoy women for her and my own happiness. Imagine feeling cool and feeling good about myself without needing proof from anyone else.

5. Need to feel secure in the relationship/ fear of failure
I think if we’re not having enough sex then there’s something wrong with our relationship, that I’m failing as a husband, a lover, a man, that I’ll never get relationships to work and that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life.
Feel how it would be to be secure in myself knowing that I’ll always attract quality women. Know that I choose relationships that work best for me. Feel how it would feel to embrace the idea of being alone. Feel how it would be to be free of the need to validate my relationship through sex, and just enjoy sex as a celebration of sexuality and closeness, not as some judgment on the relationship.

6. Need to be with someone, instead of being alone.
See #5. Feel how it would be to embrace the idea of being alone and see a relationship as an enhancement to a great life, not a necessary part of it.

7. Need to be in control, to be right, to be perfect.
Let go of the need to control things. Feel the freedom of accepting things are outside of my control and focus on my own growth and development. Realize I’m wrong more often than I’m right and this is good, because it’s the path to true enlightenment. Realize the perfect is the enemy of the good and that I strive for excellence, nor perfection. Learn to appreciate and thoroughly enjoy the moment, enjoying life “AS-IS,” even if I want to see things change in the future or it’s not exactly what I hoped for.

Notes from Today's Work

Feature insecurities until you're over them. The more personal, the more universal.
*When I masturbate to ejaculation, I like to come on my wife's toothbrush. It's my little way of getting even for her not asking me to come in her mouth anymore.* (Somehow I doubt this is very universal... and it's probably NOT a huge step in the direction of manhood, at least not a step forward.)

Think about featuring these: I'm awkward in social situations. I sometimes say the wrong things. I don't have a cool job, I'm nerdy. I'm broke. I'm shy.

1. Understand Men (working on this now)
2. Understand myself (constantly doing this)
3. Understand women (yeeeeeahhhh... um, I'm going to go ahead and wait on this... although this could apply to the pickup process, too)
4. Understand woman I'm with (the "universal woman")

So, bottom line, don't work on "the game" right now, focus on masculinity and personal development. And stay away from entangling relationships.

Provide CERTAINTY and CLARITY.
Communicate and embody STRONG, STABLE, SECURE, MASCULINE MATURITY and CLARITY.

See places where I'm feeling loss that I'm not necessary and stop (neediness)

Mistake: Acting based on what I think she'd think if she really knew what I was thinking. In other words, adjusting myself to fit her, or my perception of her, instead of being up front. (Example of giving away power.)

Give up:
1. Throwing emotional tantrums to get attention
2. Correcting people to feel important
3. Disagreeing with people to show superiority (I'm going to start busting on people for this one.)
4. Being a know-it-all to get approval.
5. Saying and doing things to win approval, not to add value or genuinely help the situation.

Creating a "Neediness Free Zone"

I feel really happy today, and it's one of those days when I used to be so angry and unhappy.

It's given me a realization that happiness occurs in an environment where neediness and outcome dependence are not around.

In other words... wait for it...

HAPPINESS LIVES IN A NEEDINESS-FREE ZONE

The whole realization is that happiness exists in a neediness-free and outcome independent zone, but outcome dependence is tied to neediness, so I can boil it down, even though the two evils aren't exactly the same.

So what made today happy? I didn't let events in my marriage that used to piss me off get to me. I didn't take my wife's behavior personally.

Yesterday I rush home and the wife is needing some TLC, so I listen to her whining and whatever. I cooked some lasagna (heated – from Costco), even though she said she didn’t want any. I wanted the leftovers for lunches, so I went ahead, just did my thing without much hesitation. Right there, I did what I wanted.

No sex last night or this morning. This used to piss me off, but I don't need her. I don't need sex from her or anyone else in particular. And I know it's not something I should take personally. I'm doing SO much to become not just a great lover but a masterful lover, I'm transforming my cor beliefs and becoming a better man. I've got it covered, nothing to worry about here. So I just sleep and relax as best I can.

Then she has her stupid snooze alarm going off every ten minutes or so from 4:00 until 4:45 in the morning (if you can call it that) when she finally got up. That's rude and annoying, and I don't like being sleep deprived, but I roll with it. I don't take it personally or get upset. I just go back to sleep and enjoy what's left of my sleep.

I enjoyed the morning, got the little man to school early, got to the gym on time, had a great workout (I so needed that), got to work on time and… STARTED WORKING!

And before I went to the gym, I sent the wife a text responding to her "I miss you" text, saying I missed her, too, but that snooze alarm episode was rude. I didn't even think twice about it, neither getting worked up nor worrying she was going to get upset. I laid down an appropriate boundary and went about my workout without a second thought.

So I've begun to establish at home a nice little Neediness Free Zone. And the result? I'm happy.

I'd mentioned earlier that I felt I was "backsliding." At lunch, I realized what that's about. It's about NEEDINESS and OUTCOME DEPENDENCE. I'm so worried about maintaining my social momentum that I've forgotten what it's all about - being completely comfortable and relaxed in the moment and waiting for the best opportunity.

I came up with a baseball analogy. To be a good batter, you can’t try too hard at the plate, you need to be loose and just ready for the opportunity. It’s about swinging at good pitches, establishing a presence on the plate, and timing. It’s not about connecting with every pitch. So in many respects, I had the fundamentals down right. My basic problems were getting uptight, not enjoying the moment, not being comfortable with myself and not being ready to make that connection when the opportunity presents itself. Then the flip side would be when I psyched myself up and went after everything indiscriminately and forced things. People can tell when you’re forcing it.

Once I got that mindset down and just relaxed at lunch, I was fine. I felt good, I enjoyed lunch, and I found myself once again getting interested looks, because I wasn’t looking for it or thinking I need this in order to prove I’m making progress. I AM making progress, because my subconscious made that shift.

It shouldn’t be forced. It should feel natural. Sure, I have to make an effort to expand what “natural” feels like so I can take advantage of more opportunities, but the basic concept is still the same. Backsliding is a product of letting neediness in.

I ordered some books – “The Power of Your Subconscious Thought,” which I noticed at my friend's house over the holiday, “Think and Grow Rich,” “The Emperor’s Handbook,” and “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover.” Onward!

Weekend Update - Backslides, Epiphanies and Lessons

I could go into whiny bitch-boy mode, but I won’t. This stuff is making a change, but there are a lot of things to work on.

This weekend, and a good part of today, had its disappointments and setbacks, so I have my work cut out for me. But my focus has to be enjoying the moment, and there were a lot of moments to enjoy as well.

Thursday afternoon I had a HUGE realization as I was driving home, one which will have far-reaching implications:

Women are having sex with other men, women have had sex with other men, and this is very good news for me.

I didn’t think this, I FELT it.

That’s a huge reframe and it was tremendously liberating. I’ve spent my whole post-pubescent life frustrated that guys are having sex with girls I want – how unfair/ why can’t I be the one having sex/ thinking it cheapens my enjoyment with her/ feeling I’m left out or there’s something wrong with me/ feeling like a loser/ vague and powerful feelings of sexual frustration. This was a big problem that led to jealousy over exes, obsessing over other guys who had the woman I’m with first and what they did with her, obsessing over the period of time I was desperately wanting sex and not getting any, even comparing my sex life to others.
It was total scarcity thinking. Somehow the training kicked in and it just hit me as I was driving home – the opposite is true – my life is BETTER because of this reality! If they’re having sex, then I can enjoy sex, too. I have permission – it’s acceptable and I deserve it. In fact, I’m doing the whole world a favor by enjoying it!

Powerful stuff. Then I came home and struck up a conversation with the cute downstairs neighbor. It was friendly. She used to be kind of standoffish with me, but now she’s nice. And a woman at the sushi place just opened up and said hello, it was like people could feel the difference in me.

That was the high point. It started going the other way, which is normal, but bummed me out nonetheless. I felt myself giving away my power Friday morning, kind of acting shy and socially evasive in line at the coffee shop (big event going on, lots of people). I enjoyed cleaning the apartment, and used my Secret Meditation on the iPod (which I need to continue), and this was good. I expanded my sexual energy through a kick-ass masturbation session later on that morning – again, not coming, just absorbing the energy.

Then the Mrs.and I made love. I tried the deep spot, she said it hurt. I’m bummed. Still, the lovemaking was very good, she had a powerful orgasm and LOVED it.

This morning I was listening to the David Shade CDs and feeling grief, which I worked through. I felt like that was proof that I’m a failure as a lover. I came back and realized I’m not at all a failure, that most women would love what I’m doing. The problem is the Mrs. and her limited beliefs. This also made me sad, but again I can accept this reality. I can still grow sexually and enjoy making love to her by getting more into the experience. I can, and should, do more things outside the bedroom to increase anticipation and attraction. I can and will work on sexy dirty talk, clitoral stimulation techniques, foreplay, nipple stimulation, massage and other techniques. I can and will get myself really, really good at pleasing her within her narrow envelope of sexuality, and I will enjoy pleasing her in the ways she can handle.

So I won’t give up and settle, I’ll grow in other ways with her, continue to expand my own sexual power, strengthen my beliefs, and find other women to satisfy in other ways while I’m in this relationship. I’ll let go of the expectation or wish to make her vaginally orgasmic, but I’ll continue to make myself a better lover and find ways to please her that will come in handy for my future life as a single man. I will not sit still, I will not backpedal. I will continue to explore and nurture avenues for sexual growth. Just no more fingering inside, and no hopes of breaking through her shell and giving her the vaginal orgasm… *sigh*

One thing I can do is explore this capacity to absorb sexual energy by bringing my orgasms inside, learning to absorb more and more excitement and stimulation and becoming a Tantric lover.

So instead of being depressed and thinking I’ll never get this, or reverting to my childish comparisons with others from her past, I’m looking at this as an opportunity. I can work on other techniques, I’ll expand and strengthen my inner sexual man, I’ll create stronger attraction and anticipation and work on the cerebral.

Of course, this realization came after the weekend was over, so there was a bit of a setback.
The rest of the day was nice. Went to a house party at a friend’s, which was nice. I got my older son later and we played with the baby, had dinner and watched the fireworks.

There was a moment when my older son was being disrespectful to my wife. We did discipline my son, and I realize I need to be a lot more proactive with him, instilling a sense of respect and looking for ways I lose my power in these situations. I’ve been too accommodating.

What’s disturbing, though, is how she went on her psycho rampage at me, calling me names and displaying her usually crappy attitude toward my son. She doesn’t say that stuff to him, but to me she calls him a “fucking kid,” a “brat,” a “stupid little shit” and whatever other names she can come up with. I called her out for her disrespect to me.

It’s bullshit, but on the other side, I do need to improve my parenting skills and be more proactive. I need to instill a sense of respect in my son. I need to be more proactive, look at how I’m giving away my power, and stop doing it. So while I’m terribly disappointed with my wife, I’ve decided to compartmentalize that and just not let it affect me. I’ll be good to her, enjoy my moments, and not let her attitude take away from them. I’ll focus on being a better father, being more proactive and being more present with my children. And I’ll continue to have a good time with my son, who isn’t exposed to her bad side.

And, no, I’m not just *taking* her crap. I’ll leave on my own terms, thank you. When my debt is gone, I’m gone. I’ll be God damned if I’m going to punish myself because of her attitude. I’ll work on myself, grow into a real man, expand my sexuality, get out of debt and the women I’m fucking when I’ve left the wife behind will get a real treat. And I won’t have a shred of guilt for bailing, because this is my life on my terms, starting NOW, not months after the marriage goes down in flames.

So good lessons, even if I felt like all I did was backslide.

Sunday was pretty good. A mellow day, not much to talk about. My wife and I had good talks Saturday and last night. I kept my cool and my personal power. I was nice to her, but on my terms. I didn’t ask, I acted, I stood my ground and I acknowledged my mistakes like a man. A lot of work to do, but significant progress. And I had a lot of moments where I was enjoying the moment, which was great.

Today… ugh. Spilt the breakfast shake all over the car. Forgot the sheet and blanket. Was late for work. Didn’t take advantage of social opportunities both during lunch and while grocery shopping. A lot of backsliding.

So, to-do list for the short term:

1. Continue to nurture my sexual power and explore non-vaginal techniques to enhance My wife’s experience.
2. Look for the opportunity, don’t rush to disappointment
3. Remember that women I desire have had and are having sex with other men, and this is great news for me.
4. Make love to other women without a shred of guilt. Pursue other women without self-doubt. (That’s right. That’s what I said. I’m not going to wait to start having a life.)
5. Don’t ask, act.
6. Stand my ground, ignore derisive comments, maintain self-respect. Be the stronger person in the situation at all times.
7. Be a proactive father. Look at how I’m giving away power to my older son and stop. Instill respect, command respect, give respect. Be present and attentive with my children.
8. Enjoy the moment, every moment, all the time.
9. Take full and immediate advantage of all social opportunities.

Another "On Becoming a Man" Exercise

Remember a kid from childhood that you really liked, then one that you didn’t like.

My Best Friend
The Asshole from Elementary School

Remember what you liked about your dad when you were little, remember what you didn’t like.

I liked that he took us on trips and fished and skied with us. I liked talking politics with him. I liked that he helped me with my homework. He was reasonable.

I didn’t like that he was strict and a hardass. I was afraid of his authority. I thought he yelled at mom too much and was mean to her. I thought he was kind of a goofball when he was coaching us. I never felt like I was quite good enough.

Think about what you admire in men right now, think about what you hate.

I like that men are direct and straightforward. I like that they’re strong and decisive. I like that men are logical. You can disagree with men and they won’t take it personally. I like that men enjoy watching competitive sports. I like that men aren’t catty or overly dramatic. Men are stable and reliable.

I hate that men disrespect women and aren’t that involved in raising their children. I hate that men are irresponsible and prone to immature behavior. I hate that many men go out of their way to be redneck and don’t appreciate culture, class or sophistication. I hate that men can’t figure out how to clothe themselves. I hate that men are standoffish, detached and uncaring. I hate that men let the women in their lives control them, buy women expensive gifts, take women out to dinner and otherwise spoil women into thinking they deserve something from men for simply having tits and a pussy.

Think about what you love about women and what you hate.

I love that women are so curvy, soft and wonderful to touch. I love that women like to be protected by men. I love the way women taste and feel. I love that women are delicate and like cute things. I love that women are sensual. I love the way women come, and that they can come multiple times. I love that women have a delicate palate and love good food and wine. I love that women have an eye for beauty, appreciate art and culture, know how to dress well and give a home a special touch. I love that women are empathetic. I love that women become mothers and bring babies into the world. I love that women are nurturing, caring and dedicated to their children. I love that women are loyal and invest in their relationships.

I hate that women aren’t direct in their communication and expect men to read their minds. I hate that women are indecisive or prone to changing their minds. I hate that women are such skilled and successful liars. I hate that women are prone to drama and obsessed with fictional drama like “Sex and the City.” I hate when women act superior to men and try to manipulate or control men. I hate that women think it’s okay to insult or demean their husband or boyfriend in public. I hate that a woman will lie about her happiness with her relationship, her sex life, even whether she’s having an orgasm, even though doing so is destructive to her partner and herself. I hate that beautiful women will date old, ugly men and then turn around and judge a man for having a girlfriend in his past who is less than her ideal when it comes to looks.

Limiting Beliefs Around Sex

Nothing exposes the deepest insecurities of a man like sex and nothing brings out the limiting beliefs like adopting manhood and expanding my sexual energy. I should have known these would come up. Fortunately, I'm prepared and can look at them as the attitudes and beliefs of the bitchy little inner boy, reframe them and grow up. But it sucks to go through this and admit these things. So here goes:

Inner Bitch-Boy Attitudes Toward Sex

Sex is this incredible, unattainable thing. If I’m having sex it means I’m extremely lucky.

Reaction: This is pure scarcity mentality, that I'm "getting" something scarce and precious. It's VALUABLE, but it's not scarce. There's plenty to go around.

Sex is a “BIG DEAL” so every time I have sex it’s really important and should be taken very seriously. Sex is the end-all of human existence and should be obsessed over at all times.

Reaction: Laughter. I can see the absurdity of this thinking and how it applies to me. I need to separate my root sexuality, which is essential and should be nurtured at all times, from an act of sex, which by itself is no more important than a meal. Do I obsess like this over lunch, get upset when my food is a little undercooked?

I must be the best at sex, and the only way I will know if I’m doing it right is if she tells me I’m good and that I’m the best. Even then, she’s probably lying, because deep down inside I know I’m a loser who sucks in bed.

Reaction: Again, I can see the absurdity of this thinking, even though I admit this is how I think! I need to be more self-validated in this area and learn to enjoy the experience instead of turning it into some bizarre competition. This is SUCH negative programming - I'm a loser no matter what. Flip it. The opposite is actually the truth.

All the kids said I’m a loser, a dork, and not cool, so there’s no way I could ever be good in bed and I just shouldn’t try.

Reaction: This is boy thinking from when I was a boy. The boy must die, and these experiences must die with him. What people thought of the boy is irrelevant. I am a man now, and nobody’s called me any of those things. Quite the opposite. And women have enjoyed my lovemaking, despite my limiting beliefs. This belief is just NOT TRUE!

The only women who would find me good in bed are dorks and losers who have never met a real man and/or who also suck in bed, so they don’t know the difference. It’s critically important that I make sure they are never exposed to other men, because if they are they will immediately realize just how much I suck in bed and they will leave.

Reaction: Women are all sexual creatures. Dorks and losers have the same capacity for pleasure (and probably less) than the average woman. If “ugly” women think I rock their world, “hot” women will think so, too. They all accept pleasure the same way, the only difference is my selection.

Women that stay with me either don’t like sex, can’t do better, or are cheating on me with a guy who knows how to treat a woman and she’s just keeping me around out of convenience or because she feels sorry for me.

Reaction: While I readily admit that I can (and will) improve my technique, this statement is not and has never been true. I could go through the examples, but bottom line the problems in all past relationships stemmed from my behavior OUTSIDE the bedroom, not INSIDE. And in almost all the cases, I left THEM. Some of my exes were deliriously happy and some still want me, would cheat on their “other” with ME, and would even accept sharing me with my wife. What does THAT indicate?

Sex is this sacred thing. The thought of the woman I’m with having sex with other men, or having had sex with other men, bothers me.

Reaction: This is because of low self-esteem, putting myself below other men. It is also an unrealistic belief that women should be virginal. If I look at reality, this explodes. I have stolen women from other men, I have had women choose me over a ton of other men, I have had women follow me around and do crazy things to get back into bed with me. This fear of competition from other men is unhealthy and just plain untrue.

I think about her enjoying sex with other men and it makes me feel uncomfortable, unworthy, jealous, self-conscious and insecure.

Reaction: Yah, this sucks. Again, it’s low self-esteem mixed with bad social programming. This bothers me because I feel I’m no good at attracting women, so sex is scarce for me. Therefore her enjoying sex with other men devalues this precious thing I have. If I look at reality, I see sex is abundant and I’m perfectly capable of having many sexual relationships with relatively little effort. In fact, not that it matters, but compared to “most guys,” I do far better in this area, even with my social shortcomings which I see as being so painful and glaring. She is with me and she enjoys being with me. I need to reframe and refocus on her enjoyment, being in the moment, and fully enjoying the experience. Only a little bitch boy tries to fuck with the past.

Even if I know she’s enjoying making love to me, I think in the back of my mind that she enjoyed the other men more and I feel inadequate and unworthy.

Reaction: This is the little bitch boy desperately trying to find reasons to feel insecure and unworthy. This is just stupid and untrue. Thoughts like this are when I need to step up and recognize that’s stupid bitch-boy thinking and shut it down. Bitch boy has lost the argument and is just inventing a belief to keep the bitch boy alive.

Every time something goes wrong sexually, I attribute this to mean I’m a failure as a man.

Reaction: It’s the lame, false, bitch-boy beliefs that are causing the “problems” in the first place. I’m only failing myself as a man by not accepting myself as a man and making love like a man, which I’m fully capable of doing. By accepting this thinking, I’m allowing the inner bitch to stay in control and keeping the real man from emerging.

Every time we make love, I worry that something will go wrong and that I’ll be a failure.

Reaction: Of course. Because the little bitch boy mentality can’t handle a manly act such as pleasing a woman. That’s a job for a real man. Little bitch boy needs to die and let the man handle the woman.

When my wife doesn’t want to have sex with me, that means she doesn’t want me, that I’m unattractive, that she hates our lovemaking and that I’m a complete failure and loser when it comes to sex.

Reaction: Say WHAT?? Yah, that’s what the sheisters want you to think, so they can SELL you more STUFF! Do you think people like ------- make their money off secure, masculine men, or insecure girly-men? Sure, when the sex is great, women want more of it, and maybe this relationship is just not going to work out, but while I’m in the relationship, I need to appreciate and enjoy it as it is, not get into this bizarre and childish competition with society or take things that are outside of my control personally. The obvious reason is usually the correct one - she's very tired. I can accept this without accepting a second-class lifestyle, and I don't have to get all bent out of shape to accept both of these viewpoints.

Reaction #2: Be more assertive in bed. Be a man. Lead. Be in control of the lovemaking process. Then you won’t be a human vibrator, because you’ll be making love on your terms.

I’m less of a man because I can’t get a handle on the most basic and essential part of being a man – pleasing my woman.

Reaction: Yah, that sucks, if it were true! But I’m less of a man because I’ve accepted less-than-a-man beliefs which are UNTRUE. Fix the beliefs, accept my sexuality, accept my masculinity, and I’ll feel like a complete man because I’ll BE a complete man. See assertive comment.

I learn techniques but I’m afraid to apply them because I don’t believe they’ll work for me, that the problem is there’s something intrinsically wrong with me, so whatever I do, it won’t work, and I should just accept that I’ll always suck, even if she seems happy.

Reaction: This is wimpy bitch-boy thinking. A real man wants to please his woman and doesn’t obsess over fear that somehow the technique won’t work for him. It might not work ON HER, but taking the technique personally is silly.

I’m afraid if I try something she won’t like it and will get upset.

Reaction: The antidote to fear is courage. Act boldly, and you’ll build a ton of confidence and the fears will go away.

I’m afraid if I try something it won’t work and it’ll confirm that I’m a loser and I’m doomed to a lifetime of being a lousy lover and having lame, unsatisfying sex with uninterested women.

Reaction: Stop taking sex so personally! Separate sexuality from the act. Enjoy the moment. Don’t think – ACT! And what's this about a lifetime of lame, unsatisfying sex? Dude, you sex life before this woman was AWESOME! With her, it was awesome until about a year ago, and there are a ton of reasons for that, some of which are outside your control. Focus on the moment, stop worrying or feeling your future depends on whether some technique works or not, and be a man!

Women are only attracted and aroused by me because of my looks.

Reaction: It’s not for me to decide why women are and aren’t attracted and aroused by me. Go with whatever works and enjoy the moment.

Deep down inside, I am not sexy or sexual.

Reaction: Being a whiny little bitch isn’t sexy or sexual. Try being a man, then you’ll feel sexual.

I’m afraid of sex.

Reaction: Boys are afraid of sex. Men aren’t. Grow up and be a man!

The thought of making love to a new woman scares me. I’m afraid she’ll reject me right away.

Reaction: Because that happened… when?? Oh, RIGHT, your IMAGINARY girlfriend left you! I guess you need to choose better imaginary girlfriends. Or try dealing with reality, either way.

I can't STAND this inner bitch-boy!

I can’t measure up sexually for quality women, so I shouldn’t even try.

Reaction: Meaning that EVERY WOMAN you’ve ever been with is poor quality? Bullshit! Women are all designed the same, so however hot they are on the outside, they come pretty much the same way on the inside. And, yes, your wife and exes are "high quality." Just because you want better for yourself doesn't give you the right to put people down. Get real!

Deep down inside, I’m nothing but a loser and a nerd who will never get the women I want, and couldn’t satisfy them if I did. I should just accept my lot in life, be grateful for what I have, and not try to improve, because it’s just a waste of time.

Reaction: If you hold onto the boy mentality, you will never improve. If you become a man, as you have in other big aspects of your life, the improvement will be dramatic, lifelong and multiply you happiness manyfold.

Seeing Some Success

Anxiety is cured by courageous action. Anger is cured by assertiveness. Today I felt a shift, that the work I’ve been doing on myself is having a real impact. I felt a powerfulness, a relaxed comfort in my own skin that I’ve never felt before. I felt… like a MAN! It was awesome.
I told myself to go out and TAKE ACTION today, that this was the day for ACTION! And I have been taking action, with INCREDIBLE results!

I went to the gym and had a great workout. I felt so comfortable, like this was my gym. Work was awesome, looked everybody in the eye, said hello, initiated conversation, held my own, total security and confidence. Just a few texts with the wife, and no – NO – NONE – feeling of attachment, of wondering if she would emails me back. Just power. Calm power.

Then I had email with the ex wife and I was ASSERTIVE. Not demanding, not arrogant, but calmly, kindly and powerfully ASSERTIVE. It was SUCH a shift! Away goes the guilt and self-doubt and in comes the powerful man. No more of letting this awful situation control me, I’m the one in control, setting the rules and taking responsibility like a MAN. No more fear of what the weekend will be like with my son over – this is my life, I’m running the show and being the MAN, being the FATHER. YES!!

Then I go to the grocery store, and it was like I OWNED the place! I’ve NEVER felt this comfortable in my own skin, and stone cold SOBER!! I could have picked up women there at the store, but I felt a sense of personal integrity, that I wanted to honor and respect my wife. I could, but I won’t, because I want what’s best for me and my life. Men looked at me differently, like I was cool, I could sense the respect. Fucking AWESOME!

I know it’s early, but that’s some AWESOME initial progress. I’m SO stoked to keep going with this and fully grow into the man I am.

Lessons from Death

Lately I've been surrounded by death in a way I never have before. A relative came close to dying recently. A friend lost her newborn baby. A dear friend (and possibly more than that) lost her brother under tragic circumstances. A coworker lost his brother. Another coworker has a husband dying of cancer. My father-in-law is dying of cancer.

This has come as I've been going through my own commitment to kill the boy within me, a sort of spiritual death and rebirth. One of the things the program asks is that I contemplate death.

I've thought about it from many perspectives. I nearly lost a child of my own. I thought about the loss of my parents and how that will feel. Then I thought about my own death.

There was a lot of grief, fear and other emotions in this exercise. It's heavy, but important. Here are the lessons I pulled from this, and I'll continue to examine this going forward.

1. Don’t fear death. Death is my partner in life. Hold onto it, don’t hide from it.

2. Don’t fear the afterworld. Live a life of purpose and integrity, put faith in God and Jesus, and don’t worry about things I can’t control.

3. Focus on enjoying life. Focus efforts on getting the most enjoyment out of life, on making life more fulfilling. Learn to appreciate the moment, either to enjoy for the happiness in the moment, or to derive the lesson from the unpleasant experience. Make changes to enhance the positive, not to run away from the negative.

On #3, I realize that even my self-improvement efforts, which have yielded awesome results, were borne out of a desire to get away from something bad, not a desire to enhance my happiness and enjoyment of life. The results were positive, but the motivation was negative. I need to focus a lot more effort on enjoying the moment, even with its imperfections and working on enhancing the enjoyment of life instead of just trying to eliminate things I don't want. On #2, it's the same thing. I need to appreciate toe love of God, instead of being motivated by a fear of Hell. It's motivation TOWARD, instead of motivation AWAY, and it'll make my life a lot more positive and happy.