Desire for Masculine

This surge in sexual confidence is awesome! The changes and commitment to making more change is astounding, simply incredible

Last night I gave my wife a sensual massage… with a happy ending! The whole experience was so rich and beautiful. I was lost in the moment and felt so in command, confident and fluid. I totally "breathed her in" and felt her energy in a way I haven't before. It was almost a spiritual sexual experience, I actually grew from it. And it's only getting better – this is the beginning!! I can tell this is just the very first few steps on a bold new journey of change. Soon even this SPG will be a distant memory, a speck on the horizon. And I really dig this guy!

Today I'm feeling this desire to bring more ferocity and masculine energy into this change. I'm wanting to feel the "real man" in me – dominant, fearless, confident, bold and assertive. I'm ready to own that. I rewrote my mission statement to include that element, I'm doing some new self hypnosis affirmations to embody this and I'm actively practicing BEING that man – living my life as the "real man" I'm wanting to be.

I can see a cycle to this growth, but the movement is in days from wave to wave, not weeks or months, and the movement is more dramatic, accelerated and certain.

I wonder…

I wonder what changes will be happening in my life now that's I've crossed over into my own identity?

I wonder how my relationships will change now that I've finally allowed myself to be the sexy, sexually confident, attractive man I've always wanted to be up to now?

I wonder what new things will come into my life as I live my dreams.

I wonder what, if anything, from the life I've been living, the life I've just today let go, will come with me to my new life?

I wonder how different this new life will be from the fantasies I've had of this life.

This is the Real Deal

I can actually feel the difference in my sexual confidence. I keep having the crazy dreams. This morning, I'm feeling pressure in my head and in my chest and a weird, uneasy feeling. So I do self-hypnosis to let go of the fears and resistance and allow myself to change. It produced a very strong shift and a surprising result – I felt sad!

I was disappointed that my wife and I didn't make love this evening, and a little disappointed at the sex last night – it felt like she wasn't there with me. Usually that sort of thing makes me feel angry, not sad. And it's not a hurt sad, it's more of a morning sadness, like I'm saying goodbye. I'm saying goodbye to the old SPG, my old life and seeing the disappointments of my marriage in the context of who I am now and what I want in life.

I've been doing a lot of these challenging shifts and self-hypnosis things and it's been amazing the results I'm getting. I've been feeling a little frazzled, but that's really where I want to be. I want to mix things up really good so nothing can ever go back to the way it was in my mind. And I'm going to do the same thing with my whole life.

Today I felt like a "new man," it felt very peaceful, and sad, and new. I felt like my voice was new.

Tonight I'm going to find some time to meditate, to get centered and find my guiding purpose. This is an exciting change and it's going to be a whole new life. I don't even know what it's going to be like, whose going with me, or what I'll be doing. But I feel like I'm getting prepped for the journey right now, washed clean of all the old BS and moving forward. I know it's going to be amazing – this is the real deal!

Transformation Underway

I'm not ready to sing the praises of my latest evolution system, but let me share what's happening so far:

• A DRAMATIC increase in sexual confidence. Old negative beliefs are fading away, I feel amazing, connected and I'm noticing a very surprising change in the attraction I'm receiving from and sharing with women;
  
• A new and growing sense of purpose and meaning in my life. I don't feel rudderless anymore, I can see now what I want, I can see a purpose in everything I'm doing and a growing desire to make massive changes to align myself with this purpose;
  
• A growing and unshakable desire to cast off the old BS life and completely start anew;
  
• Inspiration to really listen to my affirmations, read and visualize my mission statement and study the lessons that are being presented to me that are guiding me to my higher purpose;
  
• Wild dreams, nightmares, tumultuous sleep that is signifying an integration of the changes, casting away old beliefs and setting the groundwork for even more dramatic changes;
  
• Questioning everything – Am I happy being a father? (Honest answer – no.) Have I fully separated myself from my parents? (No, the pull is still there, but I'm committed to cutting this cord.)
  

There's a lot going on here, but it's so early in the process. Things are changing and I'm committed to that, but whether this process I'm doing is going to put me all the way "over the top" remains to be seen. I have to say, so far, I'm impressed, to the point of finding myself saying "wow" at the person I'm being, how I'm feeling and the reactions I'm receiving. At any rate, this is accelerating me along my path.

Redefining My Reality

My sexual confidence has been skyrocketing this week. I actually found a self-hypnosis system that works, and I can literally feel and see the difference. I've been really busy this week and hadn't been doing much aside from my work, workout out and work on myself in the form of reading my mission statement and self hypnosis exercises to instill positive beliefs and habits. I've felt really different, though - so much more grounded and masculine. Everything about sex and my sexuality just felt GOOD. I've noticed more attraction from women and just feel so muc more comfortable around women and present with my attraction.

Then I looked in the mirror. I could SEE a difference! I'm the same guy but a MUCH different vibe, it's wild.

So I've been going through "Redefine Your Reality," made my mission statement and here's the great part of this, it demands ACTION! You don't just sit back and wait for "the universe" to take care of everything, you take action to CREATE what you want, let go of the beliefs that you can't and just do. I found out that my inaction and excuses were my way of dealing with the voices that said I can't. Now I've got that "drill sergeant" inside pushing me to act, because I CAN!

Then I found some killer information on improving my sex life and started reading it. Then I found some killer self-hypnosis techniques for eliminating limiting beliefs. These plus the whole "Redefine Your Reality" program put me out, like $60, since some of the stuff was free. Things are finding me as I'm going through this program. I'm on the right track.

Last night my wife attacked me and I felt such a rich enjoyment and growing confidence – everything is feeding off each other. Today this cute girl at the gym who I'd spent months making eye contact with and not talking to stopped me in the parking lot and invited me to work out with her sometime. She remembered my name and everything. Just going about my life, things are happening.

Oh, and today, for the first time since 2003, I'm DEBT FREE!

And I can tell this is just the tip of the iceberg. I've never felt this GOOD! Seriously, those days of worrying about what my wife said or what she's feeling seem like distant specs now on the horizon. All I can see is just potential and abundance everywhere. I LOVE my wife! I could see things becoming amazing and growing into something fantastic that I WANT, for a change, no more of this whining about what I'm not getting, just challenging myself, believing in myself, and going about getting what I want and deserve, and everybody wins in the process!

I can already feel the abundance in my life and I've been dedicating to this for not even a week!

So maybe the marriage will evolve into something incredible, maybe I'll evolve away from the marriage. Either way, where I'm at right now feels incredible and I see this amazing future that I don't have to worry about one bit.

And I haven't even finished the RYR ebook; I've barely gotten through 1/3 of the awesome sex manual; I haven't even finished the entire self hypnosis training.

A Weekend Alone

I got through an interesting weekend, one which brought home some powerful truths. This was the weekend when my wife had made plans to go to San Diego with her friend, when I thought we were having a family trip. This led to a big fight and eventually culminated in a very big fight that almost ended the marriage.

As a result of that last fight, I faced and overcame my intense fear of being cheated on and realized that, if that ever happened (and it hasn't, just to be clear) my life would be okay. I also faced the possibility that the relationship would end and I'd also be okay. And I faced the reality that I'm not "broken," which is something I've been carrying around for most of my life. In fact, that part of me I thought was broken is actually amazing. My wife has believed in me more than I've believed in myself, and that really got to me.

I opened up and started really loving myself, and I saw my wife in a different light, too. I really saw just what an incredible, vibrant woman she is. She really is an incredible woman. And at the same time as I'm falling in love with her more than ever, I can accept that there's a possibility that we might be on different paths and not be compatible – I find it impossible to accept that EVERYTHING she wrote "in anger" and ALL my intuitions are off the mark. But it doesn't matter – things will go the way they're supposed to, and I can enjoy the ride. From this place, it just feels really good.

That realization caused me to rethink everything, why I've been focusing on attracting women, this "fear of being alone," my relating to people, sex and myself. It's caused me to think about what I really want and rediscover my passions in life.

This weekend was a three-day weekend, thanks to my 9-80 day off at work. It started with a wonderful lovemaking sendoff. Then my wife took the toddler and went to San Diego and I watched my older son, whose suffering from bad headaches and having a lot of psychological problems, for the day. So maybe things happen for a reason and all this drama was just fighting the grand design.

After that, I came back to my wife's apartment (it's hers because I moved in with her and it's never been something I wanted in my life, it's another obligation I tolerate) and went to the park overlooking the beach and saw the most beautiful sunset, so clear and colorful and peaceful. It was an amazing experience. Then I turned around to go back and saw this bright, nearly full moon. Then I went to the gym, came home and found these cards and notes my wife left for me that were so sweet, ate dinner, did some meditation and went to bed.

I had written two poems and an erotic writing for her to read, one each day, and she did, and loved them all.

Saturday I had a great workout, came home, ate and had a really amazing masturbation session before cleaning up, getting dressed and watching the football game at a local bar. The good guys won. I decided to avoid the Halloween circus in my wife's neighborhood and visit my parents. It ended up being a nonstop argument all evening, about my son, my ex, my wife, my parenting, my work ethic, how I'm being manipulated, on and on and on, ruined the whole evening.

Then my wife calls and is upset because I didn't respond to her texts – but she NEVER replies to my texts – and giving me attitude. I smoothed things out a little with her, but the whole experience was enlightening. I realized my best time was when I was "alone" and doing my own thing. And I wasn't even doing anything that interesting, I was just going about my life. It felt very real, very fulfilling. When I started worrying that "I was alone" when watching the game, and allowing myself to "miss my wife," and worry that I wasn't attractive, I wasn't enjoying myself.

When I sought comfort with my parents, I found none, and none with my wife, either. And it dawned on me then that I really am my own best friend. I don't need these people, I can't please them, they all seem to enjoy making me hurt more when they see me suffering, and I was perfectly content in front of that sunset.

I don't need to go out. I don't need someone around. I don't need a woman's approval, or to have people take care of me when I'm down. There's nothing at all bad or scary about being alone – in fact, it's kind of a relief and recharging. People can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but I'm good to myself when I'm not listening to other people saying what I should be doing.

It felt good, like from there I can go out or not, I can talk to whoever or not, I can be with whoever or not, and I know whatever I'm doing, whether I'm all alone or with whoever, it'll be fun as long as I'm living my truth. There's no pressure. I don't have to worry about what I "should" be doing. What a nice place to be, and what a nice epiphany.

Sunday was breakfast, gym, me cleaning my wife's apartment, dying my hair, another killer masturbation session and a great night's sleep – alone. I woke up, alone, slept in a little, since the toddler wasn't around, had a great workout at the gym, and I've been thinking about the lessons here ever since. I'm not the same man I was before the big arguments early in October, and I'm not the same man I was before this weekend. Actually, that's not true, either. I'm actually more of the man I always was and I'm that much closer to being that man, and there's no going back.

I’ve Lost All My Attraction for My Wife

I never thought it was possible for attraction to just end on the spot. In most of my relationships, either the sexual desire died out slowly for me or never died but I wanted to move on for other reasons. Most of my exes I would still find sexually desirable and could, in the right circumstances, could allow myself to be seduced. I can only think of maybe two exes I don't have sexual desire for at some level, one of whom happens to be my ex wife.

So it's never happened where the sexual desire would just die off, especially immediately. Until yesterday, when in a moment I felt all of my attraction for my wife completely disappear.

Our relationship has been rocky, gut-wrenching and downright dysfunctional. There have been a lot of great moments and wonderful experiences, but it's certainly had its' problems. What I believe kept us together was the chemistry and desire. Even though the sex wasn't the white-hot sex I'd been used to with many of my exes, the desire was super strong. I sometimes think I stayed in this unhealthy situation because of the attraction, so the flame was always there.

There were things that challenged my attraction, but nothing that landed. She had an old, unattractive motor cop ex fiancé who I saw as completely not in her league. There was the frustration of not being able to get the sex above the "very good" level and into that insanely awesome category where "best ever" is obvious. There was the recent fight, seeing the crap she wrote about me in her diary. There were challenges, but the attraction never died. I planned to leave, but I knew I wanted her the whole time.

Then yesterday I finally researched this guy who she claimed was her most memorable lover. What a total buzzkill. Turns out to be yet another old, unattractive cop. And in that moment, I not only logically saw that my wife and I are just from totally different worlds, but it landed for me. Maybe the pictures of the other old, ugly ex cocked the gun and this just pulled the trigger, but I actually felt my attraction for the woman I'd been insanely (literally) attracted to die. The desire completely died.

I found myself in a place of peace. It's actually a very nice place. No anger, no jealousy, just a calm, grounded realization that my wife and I are completely incompatible, that we've always been sexually incompatible, and that it's time for us to go back to our own worlds and part as friends. It felt sad that the relationship was over, but also really good that I'd found peace. I was completely over the woman I had been head-over-heels for just that morning.

At first I thought maybe this was fatigue, that seeing her would bring back the spark. When I got home, I felt this weird pressure. There was no desire on my part, but definitely on hers. I found myself doing things to keep her from making a move on me, which I'd never do. I spoke to her as a friend. Kissing her felt like kissing a sister. The feeling was totally gone. I guess seeing the disconnect between her choice in men and the man I am just snapped that wire and the electricity went completely off. I'd never experienced anything like this.

That night, I found myself worrying that she'd pursue me and force me to speak the truth. I really wanted my sleep, and I thought maybe a good night's sleep would reset things. In the morning I was making sure I was sleeping in a way that she couldn't grab me, played it like I really needed my sleep.

This is just a bizarre situation! I'd never felt this non-sexual around a woman. It's actually a good place to be, maybe I could integrate some of this and be more grounded in myself and lose my attachment to sex that I've been swimming in.

In the morning, she kissed me hard. Nothing. I saw her naked body. Nothing. I'm going about my day, thinking of her. Nothing. It's really dead. Huh. My intuition must've been on to something.

And now I think about all the wasted years, all the incompatibility, all the obsession over her. I wish I knew the truth about her – I would have ended this three or four months into this thing and not let any of my other women go. I'm actually ashamed of this relationship – I'm seeing she's not in my league. She can go back to her old cop boyfriends and I'll find some younger, more fit, more attractive, more supportive women who have more normal sense of what's attractive and what isn't.

So how do I end things with my wife? I could write a letter, I could just sit down and talk with her. But right now I'm thinking I'll let this play out. I know what I feel, what I want and I'm going to let the how happen organically. In the meantime, I'm actually enjoying my total non-attraction as a way to detach from my need for sex and validation.

Weird how things turn out.

Reality Check

This new job has to be the most non-sexual environment I've ever seen. There are seriously two women who are attractive in this place, and the environment is just totally listless in that arena. My last job always had some tension and excitement – young, attractive people, lots of great energy. This place is mostly old, lifeless geeks

Holy crap, it's been a wild few weeks. I had my psychic ass handed to me a few weeks ago. I'm not going to get into the details of it, but it was a very humbling experience that might very well have set me down the right path.

Pretty much throughout my "sexual life" I've been holding onto a fear of being cheated on. As I think on it, what was really scaring me was that I wouldn't be able to handle something like that – I'd be crushed, I'd go crazy with rage, I'd never believe in myself as a man or a lover or whatever. I wasn't cheated on but I got a really good taste of not only what it feels like to be cheated on, but to be held in complete contempt – in other words, total rejection. It felt worse than if I had been cheated on, because there was no compassion or caring whatsoever, just total disdain.

It was coming from a place of hurt and it wasn't genuine, but I allowed myself to let the impact fully hit me, to fully accept the message and how it landed. I didn't allow myself to go to anger, I stayed with the real feeling. And it sucked. It hurt – a lot. I went into the hurt, really felt it an allowed it to sink in. I didn't collapse, but I did really feel the impact, and it was intense.

Later that evening, the pain transformed into this awesome realization that this was something I could handle, that this whole "being cheated on" didn't have to run me. I was a lot stronger than I'd been giving myself credit for. The worst someone could throw at me might hurt, but it wouldn't kill me, and it wouldn't diminish me as a man. In fact, it might actually make me better for the bargain.

I came away feeling very different about everything. I looked at sex differently – I realized I have made something that is not a big deal into a "BIG DEAL." I looked at myself differently – I could see where I've been basing my identity on things outside of me, like my sex life, like being the "best lover," what the woman thinks of me. And I could see that me, the real me, was almost nowhere to be found in all this. I was spending my energy worrying about her fidelity, needing constant validation, needing attraction, and almost no energy on me, what I want, what I enjoy, finding strength and confidence from within.

So I started giving some things up. I have worked on accepting the possibility that no woman would ever find me attractive – not because I believe that I'm unattractive, but because I want my happiness and confidence to be centered on me, and I want to stop seeking anything from women. I'm working on accepting the possibility that I will never be "the best lover," again, not because I want to suck, but because I want to focus to be on me being in the moment and enjoying it, which just so happens to be a hell of a lot more pleasurable for her than me trying to get her to be pleased.

And I am accepting that sex is not a big deal, that I can be sexy and sexual without needing anything from women. This one's been hard for me, because I've made it into this big thing. So I've also had to work on letting go of a few other things – having a girl around is no big deal, being "cool" is no big deal, being accepted by my peers is no big deal, being seen as "the man" is no big deal, basically all the other external junk that's being held up by this belief that sex is a "BIG DEAL" that will get me all these other "BIG DEAL" things.

It's a process. I still feel the charge over these things, the need for validation the accepting outside validation instead of looking at things as they are, so it's still a process of change. But it does feel different, a lot different. More humble, more real. A combination of both humility and confidence based on a more grounded sense of what's real.