What’s Going On…?

I had a very strange day yesterday, and I still feel strange, like something in me is craving a change now and it's making that change happen whether I fight it or not.

First of all, my day was sandwiched with two annoyingly unsatisfying sexual episodes. And what was particularly interesting about these was, while I was not okay with the lame sex, I was completely okay with myself. I accepted that I was not being exciting, that something was off, I took ownership, and I was absolutely not okay with it, but I didn't see myself as I have in the past as a "bad lover,' or worried about her reaction. It was more like someone who is committed to getting better, who messed up and wants to learn from it.

Very interesting. One was phone sex. I was getting her to come on command, but the energy was off somehow and I was left feeling like it was mediocre and not sure what I could do differently.

What happened was I woke up early, even though I was tired. I had a feeling that I was facing some fears and beliefs from when I first came out of college. I realized I'd been running from these things and not dealing with them squarely, so they've never really gone away. And here I am, much later in life, thinking I've evolved, and still dealing with this shit.

But what's different is I was committed to actually facing this shit and taking the time to work through this. I wasn't going to be able to NLP or hypnotize myself out of this, I was going to have to do some work.

Then the unenergetic phone sex – well no wonder, my energy was elsewhere and I was thinking – well, I'm up, I know she wants to play, so why not throw her a bone?

Later I decided to access "Dark Knight," from my Destin Gerek coaching days. It had been months since I utilized this. To my surprise, he came up stronger than ever and I felt a strong tingling up my spine. He told me I was his now, and as I drew closer and closer, I sneezed, out of nowhere. Then again, closer and closer – and again, sneezed. And a third time!

It confirmed that this is my edge. It's time to face and work through my fear of women and social situations that is holding me back, really deal with it, and whatever consequences come from this.

Then I get to the office, and there's a post on my Facebook from my first roommate out of college when I was first "out on my own." And he never posts on my FB. That's freaky coincidence.

I listen to these self-hypnosis recordings I've made about talking to women – I'm still haven't found that place of comfort with women where I feel like it's my choice. Sure, I talked a good game, and I could conjure up success, but it always felt like my fear was running me and I've never fully addressed that.

And I found myself doing something out of character, watching these PUA videos from Day Game and being riveted. Here's the invitation to face my worst fears head-on and work through them once and for all. But why was I watching this? Why now?

And as I listened to the recordings, I felt my nose run. Here's the thing – the sneezes and nose running, I knew this was psychosomatic. I could tell this wasn't a real cold coming on, just my body playing tricks on me.

Yet still, it doesn't make sense. Clearly this is something I've run away from and something is drawing me to face it now. And I'm connecting more powerfully with Dark Knight, my whole thought pattern is scrambling, what's going on?

I feel my whole life changing, rearranging. My mind is realigning with the old single me, the old single me, now facing this one fear I've been avoiding, walking through this one fear. Everything is different now. Life is different. All the skills I've learned are being used now to go through this and then everything I've built up to now with these skills is going away, and only the skills themselves remain.

The day included a call from a friend whose pregnant and scared at 42 and me being surprised that I was being a really caring, supportive person while giving her some pretty strong reality of what to expect and telling her to wait until the shock wears off before making any decision. I hung up the phone and was like "wow, where did that come from?" My intuitive mind is taking over.

I also had a conversation with Destin about becoming a coach for him – which on the one hand seems pretty funny, given what I'm going through, but on the other hand, maybe it's perfect timing.

After work, I went to a meditation at someone's house – really nice, but it felt surreal. It felt like someone else doing this, not me. I had a very enjoyable release.

Then I came home and had lame sex with the Mrs. Again, my energy was elsewhere and I wasn't feeling sexual. Apparently my vibe was being reflected, because again the woman I was with seemed to lack the usual excitement and fire.

And after I was a little frustrated but more curiously frustrated, like how was it this shift is causing a drop in my sexual energy? One day I'm drinking this tea and feeling like a horny teenager, and yesterday I could barely care, and it showed. And how is this me getting closer to Dark Knight? And why am I pretty much okay with it, like I know I was having a off day sexually, I know why, and… eh, so what? The old me would get down on myself, get all frustrated, get upset, worry… maybe this change is pulling in a lot of energy and it's actually sucking energy from other people? Maybe my state was cooling off my wife and phone sex friend? That's how it feels. What could THAT mean?

Then today, I did something even more out of character – I BOUGHT a PUA program. Why? It called to me. And I'm really enjoying it and going to put it to work. Why is it calling to me now? Why this? I delete so many of these emails, but I clicked this one. I ignore so many videos but stuck on this one. Why this? Why now?

And the weird part, I can feel it's focused at the heart of where my deep-seeded fear is. Which is also weird, for a lot of reasons. My intuition is totally in control now. I don't understand what's going on, but I trust it completely.

So… back to my PUA videos…?

“Erotic Hypnosis:” Life’s About To Get A Whole Lot Badder

Yah, I'm a bad boy. And I intend to get a whole lot badder. Because it feels fucking great and it's totally in alignment with my letting go/ not giving a shit. (See my "public blog" for info on that.)

A couple months ago I ordered David Shade's (www.masterful-lover.com) "Erotic Hypnosis" training course, which he did with "Major Mark" Cunningham (www.trucor.com). This teaches guys the basics of hypnotic induction and how to (among other things) teach women to have powerful orgasms on command through hypnosis.

I've studied a lot of hypnosis and NLP, so I'm seeing how all this ties together. What I haven't done is spent a lot of time applying this in-person. I have, but in parts. For example, I learned to tell a woman to come, to come harder and to keep coming in sex – kind of through just doing it. I didn't know at the time (as this was before my training) why it works, I just knew that women LOVE it when their guy tells them what to do in bed – yah, just tell her to come and if she's responsive to you, she will. It's easy-peasy and takes all the "effort" out of sex. And I just thought, wow, this girl's just really into me! Turns out most women are like this.

Seriously, all these techniques about hitting the right spot and all this, and all you have to do is get her to really trust you and just friggin tell her to come hard and – boom – she does. The physical techniques are still nice, but I'm realizing they're SOOOOO secondary to the mental aspect, and the mental aspect is as simple as setting up and giving simply hypnosis and NLP (which is hypnosis) commands.

No, this doesn't mean get all creepy and "hey I'm a hypnotist, baby," that's just pathetic (and a lot of "erotic hypnotists" go down that road, which is why a lot of these guys are shockingly bad with women). But as I get deeper into understanding what is and isn't hypnosis and how it all ties together, I can move things to what works. For instance, noticing when she's about to come, pacing her experience so that she's getting more excited as I talk her through it, and telling her to come now – this is an NLP anchor, which is a hypnotic command. And they work! Then tell her she's a good girl for coming for me, how she loves to come hard for me and can't wait to show me how hard she can come again for me. Going with the flow, pretty soon, she's coming on command. No induction, no manipulation.

But knowing what's going on makes sure it's a conscious process and not just "accidental." It also has her feeling held and in control, because I know what I'm doing and I know what she's doing, and she can just let go and come for me when I tell her to.

Which brings me to now. I have a friend across the country who I like to chat with on the phone from time to time – it keeps me on my toes, gives me a chance to try some things out. I've opened her up to phone sex, and she's responded beautifully. Now, with my newfound powers, I've been able to give her orgasms on command over the phone, and get her to come harder and as long as I want her to. Again, without the need for a formal induction – I understand how to adapt the lessons I'm learning to the situation to create an experience without making it all formalized and weird.

I've even been able to install some verbal anchors on my wife and get her to enjoy being told what to do, though I have to tread oh so carefully because she's a lot more resistant than most women… *sigh*…

Now, I would L-O-V-E to do the whole induction-to-wild-orgasm thing with women, and fully intend to as I find women who are open to the hypnosis experience. This is something I am making an intention of adding to my life in a big way. Like I said, about to get a whole lot badder. From what I've experienced so far, Erotic Hypnosis in all its forms is huge in giving women incredible pleasure.

I've been pretty much running the DVDs on my computer, listening to them in the background as I go about my day – my commute, at work, soaking in the message and more importantly the attitudes and beliefs, the micro-lessons. It's made a huge change. I'm giving myself all the time I need, so it's a matter of making progress, not meeting a deadline.

Dance Floor Breakthrough

And as we danced to the music, I felt my body filled with the beat of the music, moving to the rhythm and the beat, moving with her rhythm. I'd never felt so open and free and embodied in a club before. We were probably the only people on the floor for a good half hour and I was completely in that moment, in the music. It felt so relaxed, my hips and body seemed to ride the waves of the music. A completely different experience of dancing than I'd ever enjoyed before.

Of course, it had been years since I'd been on the dance floor. Before the breakthroughs. Before finding Destin Gerek. Before really finding myself. And all this time, I'd never actually gone back to that situation and felt the difference. But I sure felt it now!

I could see people looking at us, and I was connecting in such an open, relaxed, sexy way. I was flirting with my eyes, totally in my element – and a dance floor has NEVER been my element! And especially the only one out there. And me dancing with someone who wasn't my wife and I just didn't care.

This was the most fun I'd had dancing… ever… by a long shot!

All the usual feelings in a club – nervousness, looking around, self-consciousness, neediness, fear – gone. Now I was inspiring others to come out of their shell. I was embodied, in the moment, flirting, I was the center of attention, not because I'm a great dancer but because I was 100% myself and exuding awesome energy.

And in that moment, it dawned on me – this is what I was missing in my life. I've been doing all this stuff to create new energy and NOTHING to get into alignment to express that energy. I want to flirt, I want to connect, I want to play, I want to… dance! And dance I did!

And somewhere on that floor, I experienced a shift, because in that moment I connected with the life I want. I found that flow of energy that is mine. And I'd been standing on the shore, getting good at being really fucking ready, but not getting in the river and experiencing the flow.

And oh, how I've changed! I could've owned that club. Sure, I still don't know what the fuck to say, but neither does anyone else, so just exude good energy, engage in that awesome flirty eye contact, dance, touch and say whatever, nobody's even paying attention to the 7% that's words when the rest of your 93% is rocking.

I knew it, I had already "got it" and had that shift, but MAN, it sure felt good to EXPERIENCE that "getting it." Okay, this is good. Some might say I'm wrong for what I did, but this was right. I finally stopped cheating on myself, and that reunion feels… awesome!!!

It’s Friday!

I'm ready for a blow job, a beer and a nap.

Simple Pleasures

Few things in life are as exquisite as being in the presence of a beautiful woman, feeling and savoring that connection and energy. It's that place where you're just going on feeling and in the beautiful flow. All that self-consciousness and "thinking what to do" crap flies out the window and it's just you and her connecting and riding this moment. It's a beautiful place to be.

When You Stop Looking, It Comes to You

I'm loving this. Just holding my hands together in Namaste is now my grounding and evolutionary meditation practice. I'll sit here at my desk and do a quick grounding and feel that energy. I'm welcoming that masculine energy, that growing and deepening strength and relaxed presence.

I'm feeling that energy growing after I penned that post. Yesterday at lunch, the girls there were totally vibing – I could feel the energy in the room elevate just from my being there. Then later, I get a really good review and a raise. I keep integrating the energy. This is who I am. This is the life I live as a powerful man standing fully in his energy. Last night my wife could totally feel this shift, she's relaxing in my presence, it's actually healing her brutal cold.

Yesterday morning I could feel the beginning of that nasty cold that's been going around the office settling in. This energy seems to have stopped it in its tracks. I feel really good today and thinking that box of Kleenex I brought in is going to waste.

This morning I'm feeling awesome on the train, connecting with everyone. That Metro ride can be hairball – it gets seedy characters and a lot of the passengers have rough lives, but I could visibly see that my presence was giving comfort to the passengers around me. I kept bringing awareness to this, more and more. This is the life I live as a powerful man standing fully in his energy.

And what an energy! I keep doing little "Namaste Hands Meditation," just to feel that energy. And I bring awareness to moving it to other parts of my body – my eyes, my hips.

Then in the break room, hot Asian coworker goes out of her way to compliment my jeans. "Those jeans look really good on you. Wow. Yah, really good." I've been wearing these jeans for a while. I had my intention on getting a different pair. Interesting. This is my life, this is my energy, and this is only the beginning.

Musings: “Self-Improvement Addiction,” A Powerful Masculine Touch

The past couple months I've been feeling a profound deepening in my evolution. I've transitioned to solidness and calmness in my presence. And this has led to much stronger and more relaxed connections. I'm connected to my strong, attractive core. There's still some anxiety and limiting beliefs I'm releasing on, but the energy is so strong and positive now, it feels amazing.

I've placed more attention on my true passion of fiction writing and I've connected with that inspiration and joy of creativity. I'm stepping powerfully into erotic writing and that's serving as the nexus between my personal evolution and my creative path, the intersection of my erotic, masculine evolution and my creative purpose. This has been a source of energy and growth for me – my second chakra is glowing, radiating.

I've been challenging a lot of established patterns in my life, particularly my relationship to "inner game" and all the self-improvement stuff out there. I've been on a lot of mailing lists, read a lot of emails from "gurus," and I don't feel it's serving me well anymore. For me, all of these "make yourself better" things were feeding into a belief that something was wrong with me that needed to be "fixed" before I could go out and take action. I needed something to get to the place where I could feel strong, powerful, sexy, relaxed, fulfilled.

Later I began using them as a way to gain insight into better Internet marketing. And "maybe I'll get something useful" out of this. So I gave all this up, got myself off the marketing mail lists and deleted the emails. I'm far from perfect, but I really don't need this shit. It's felt good letting all that go.

As I let go of the "self- improvement addiction," I gave myself those things I was looking for in a more powerful way. And I welcomed my "imperfections" without judgment. It led me to question the energy I'd been putting into helping others, especially since I was getting so much out of my fiction writing. Was this even on my path anymore?

I came to the truth that it is a part of my life path, but not as a goal unto itself. My evolutionary insight is a byproduct of my following my true path. In other words, when I let go of "doing self-improvement" and focus my energies on being where I want to be, doing what I want to do, the breakthroughs and epiphanies happen – and I love sharing those insights and breakthroughs.

So that's where I'm at. I'm realizing I'm less the teacher and more the careful observer of my own life's journey, sharing highlights of my journey and life lessons along the way, contributing to the body of knowledge for the benefit of others. Sometimes I get enough good shit together to make a book, sometimes it's an article. But in every case, it only occurs when I'm on a bigger path.

So what's the latest "byproduct?" I was at the gym, totally in my center, feeling very relaxed and powerful. I pressed my hands together - think Namaste, but a lot more pressure, as it was actually a wrist exercise – and felt this warm, strong energy in my hands, a sense of warmth and solidness.

Have you ever had a man who was really solid and commanded respect put his hand on you? A father or grandfather, or some strong authority figure? There's something just in feeling the way they touch with their hands that gives you a feeling of calm and security. It's a touch that's powerfully reassuring and inspiring. It feels really good to receive that touch, and I think every man either has a man in his life who gave him that connection or craves that masculine strength and energy. And here it was, I was feeling that awesome touch – and it was me!

And it was powerful. I wasn't suddenly "Mr. Perfectly Awesome Man," I have my fuckups, but after that, it felt like, yah, I've got this shit I'm working on, but they're not that big of a deal. Even with these imperfections, I can give this powerful touch to other people, and myself. I can reassure and inspire myself in a way that wasn't possible before that moment.

I've been playing a lot with that since then – healing my chakras with my hands, pressing my hands together, drawing strength from that touch, finding ways to touch others physically with that intention and that energy. The last part is still a work-in-process, but as far as inner strength and self-assurance, it's been powerful.

The thing is, I didn't "do" anything to discover that feeling, I just noticed it. Was it always there and now I'm open to it? Were there other shifts that happened that opened up this pathway? Was I just finally ready to step into this role? I don't know. What I do know is it's a whole new level of energy and awareness. I'm going to continue to develop this awareness and see where it leads.