Digging Down: Today's Self-Talk

This one was on "I can't be a filrt."

 

I notice that guy's a total flirt.  I can't do that.  Why can't I do that?  I'm shy and not smooth.  When I think about being open and flirty with women, what's the feeling in my body?  Tension – in my chest and shoulders.  What is behind that tension?  What am I resisting or holding back?  I'm protecting myself from looking bad and screwing up.  Also, being flirty feels fake to me.

What do I really want?  What's true for me?  I like the idea of being open, flirty, having fun with women.  What's holding me back?  The tension, the part of me holding back.

What if, just as an experiment, I allowed myself to feel that feeling of looking bad and screwing up.  Imagine a time I was flirty and felt that way.  What does it feel like?  It feels like I did something wrong – shame.  Where does that come up in my body?  The pit of my stomach – feels heavy, also in my throat.  I want to hide.

Be with the shame for a moment, the being ashamed of getting disapproval, of being wrong, of exposing my interest and getting shot down or ridiculed.  What is behind this? A belief that I shouldn't do things that are against the rules, that I should get permission first.  So the shame is from breaking the rules, so now I'm a bad boy.

Now check in and ask what it is I really want.  I want to be free from following rules or getting permission.  I want to write myself a blank check, go for it and not feel bad when I screw up.

Now imagine that there are no rules when it comes to women, that it's just a big canvas and I can pain whatever I want, or not even use paint, or the canvas.  Imagine this is my world, I'm king of everything and I just wrote myself a royal decree saying I have permission from the king of the world to do whatever the fuck I want.  How does that feel?  It feels open, light.  I can feel a release.

Now go back to that shame from wanting approval.  Can I let this go? Yes.  Can I let go of wanting permission?  Yes.  Can I let go of wanting to follow rules?  Yes.

Can I accept what I want, to live without rules, to live like the king of my own world?  Yes.  Can I let go of wanting to be restricted?  Yes.  Can I let go of wanting to be ashamed?  Yes.

How do I feel now, thinking about flirting with women, thinking about saying things women might not like, thinking about being a completely different personality?  Still tense around the heart.  I might be doing it wrong and screwing up my chances.

What if I lived in a world where it wasn't possible to have a right or wrong way of doing things?  What if I knew I could make a total ass out of myself all the time and still have an amazing love life?  That there's no way I could ever screw up my chances?  How does that feel?  It feels much lighter.

What if I lived in a world where nothing anybody else thought of me was any of my business whatsoever, that whatever I did was entirely up to what's true for me and I'd always love and accept myself completely no matter what?  I felt a shift, things moved around in front of me.

So imagine a world with no rules when it comes to women.  Imagine a world where I have exclusive permission to ignore every rule with impunity.  In this world, there is no right or wrong and I'm free to be as big of an ass as I want and still have an awesome sex life.  In this world, nothing anybody thinks of me is my business and what people think can't have any effect on me.  As long as I'm true to myself, I can't possibly screw up no matter what I do.  Imagine in this world I'm completely surrounded by unconditional love that never ends.

What if I told you that ideal world is actually REALITY?  That the "real world" is actually an invention and this "fantasy world" is the real deal?  Because it is.

How do you feel now?

…fuck, man.

Are you ready to accept this reality, to really open your eyes and accept the truth?  Letting go of the BS won't kill you, it'll make you happy.  And it's that easy.  Are you ready to accept this reality? Yes.

Can you let go of wanting certainty?  Yes.

Can you let go of wanting rules?  Yes.

Can you let go of wanting to be right?  Yes.

Can you let go of wanting to be judged?  Yes.

Can you allow yourself to accept what you really want and be true to yourself?  Yes.

*Huge fucking cathartic shift*

Two Month Transformation (Long)

The past two months have been interesting – a lot of challenges and a lot of growth.  I've been alluding to my circumstances, but not directly telling my story.

May started with an amazingly crappy week.  I took a day off work to take my baby son to the doctor, spent hours there dealing with tests and everything (he's okay).  On the way home I got a speeding ticket.  The next day my ex wife threatened me with a lawsuit because I questioned her psycho parenting.  My older son still does not spend weekends with me and hasn't since January. 

Then that Thursday I was laid off from my job.  Despite the economy and my liking my employer, I was actually glad for this.  I welcomed my change in circumstances, the opportunity to relax and improve myself, the opportunity to find a better job with less commute, the opportunity to handle a challenge thrown at me.

And my being a yes to my unemployment really bothered my wife.  I posted some things on my Facebook about how I was enjoying my unemployment and she got upset.  This isn't the first time she's complained about things on my Facebook page, and I don't appreciate what I see as controlling behavior.  And that's exactly what I told her, that I thought she was being unreasonably controlling, that there's nothing wrong with my Facebook postings, that I was working hard in my job search, that my unemployment wasn't costing her a dime and that her intrusion into my life was uncalled for.

Immediately after my unemployment my wife, our baby and I took a cross-country RV trip to Kansas to visit her family and bury her father's ashes.  It was an enlightening and liberating trip.  I experienced the amazing beauty of Grand Canyon, saw some cool things in Colorado and Utah, met some wonderful people in Kansas and helped my wife find her dad's old family farm through a random exploration of a town in western Kansas.  These were awesome experiences.  This was also my last "obligation vacation," which meant I was free.

I returned home needing some space from my wife and not really getting the space I needed.  But I did get the space and time to work on myself and really make some changes.  I finished the Sedona Method and applied the exercises to break some old stumbling blocks.  I got a good chunk through "The Power of Now" and felt moments of presence.  I worked through the AMP "Sexual Power" DVD set and discovered this incredible connection to my body and my sexuality, as well as a feeling of confidence and groundedness.

I thought I wanted space from my wife.  Instead we were having the best sex of our relationship and for the first time I really felt present in lovemaking.  We were being more adventurous and there was this incredible energy, which I attribute to my getting rid of the BS and getting right with my sexuality. 

At the same time, I was more assertive about my wants and needs.  I called her out for her bossy behavior.  I asserted what I wanted with vacations and separated myself from her expensive lifestyle.  I took time for me without worrying about her approval, or any needy issues.

I grew closer to my older son and spent more time with him.  I found more moments of presence with my baby boy.  I became more assertive as a father without being argumentative or overly emotional.

And I faced my fears about my job search.  I challenged myself to be bold and confident about my career, to commit myself to being successful, to kicking ass in my job, to believing in myself, to knowing I can do it.  I had great interviews and ended up taking a job offer that pays considerably better than my old job, cuts the commute by more than half and is a great fit.  Now I'm back to work.

I really grew during this unemployment, faced my fears, eliminated some stumbling blocks and came out a better man. I was a yes to my circumstances and embraced the opportunity.  This made all the difference.  I'm much more authentic, sexy and attractive now.  And I'm closer to my real path.  It's been an incredible couple months.

Strength in Vulnerability

I feel a sense of relief.  Tonight I finally confronted that part of me that just wants to go along and please people.  I told my wife I didn't want to go to Napa and Palm Springs.  She says she didn't set anything up at PS, but I could've sworn I heard her say something about it.  I could actually feel that emotion/ feeling trying to pull the words back into my throat.  But I stopped that part of me and owned up to my true feelings.

My wife was okay with it.  I opened up to her and told her how difficult it was for me to do that and this was kind of a new step for me.  I suppose opening up like that isn't in keeping with the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" formula, but fuck it, I want to be authentic, not create another BS persona, so I'll be open and direct, even if it means exposing myself and maybe not looking as good in people's eyes.

I had a cool breakthrough earlier today where I drilled down into my shyness and envy and found the source of my inability to give myself permission.  I felt that small, weak, vulnerable feeling, that feeling of being pitied.  I remember how I use to collapse into this feeling as a kid and how I'd do anything to avoid that awful feeling.

All this tightness, all this closed off feeling in my chest and heart, all this tension is me struggling every day to protect myself from this feeling, to run away from it, to avoid it.  And even when I felt it now, I wanted to run away, to make it never happen again. 

I talked my way through it and realized I'm not that little boy, that I can feel vulnerable like that and not collapse into tears or be the object of pity.  I can stand strong, own my vulnerability and actually make it a strength.  I can go through the fear and be present with this vulnerable feeling.  In fact, this is what I want. 

I felt my heart open up and I could see the mask in front of me.  Things haven't changed completely for me yet, but I know I'll now be questioning everything.  I can own this "weakness" and make it a strength, make it attractive, make it sexy.  I can be authentic with my "soft underbelly."  I don't have to withdraw to protect myself, I can choose how I want to be.

And this led me to assert myself.  It was a strange evening.  The woman who never stays up past seven and often is lying in bed doing nothing after the baby goes to bed suddenly has all this energy.  Lately she's been going to the gym, the tanning salon, going on this diet and acting very different, totally different energy and behavior.

Last week I acknowledged the recent disconnect and she said it was nothing.  Today I again expressed my confusion over her sudden change, with the same "what do you mean" response.  I asked her why she went to the El Segundo gym instead of the Redondo Beach one; I asked her about her sudden interest in socializing at the gym.  It felt good to speak my mind openly and confront her with my questions instead of just letting them fester in my mind like they usually do

I love for her to take better care of herself and do things she loves.  It was this weird, sudden, uncommunicated shift to something I'd never seen before.  That, coupled with her still trying to keep me on a short leash, had me feeling a certain unease.  There was even something odd and unnerving about her spontaneous whistling, which I'd never heard her do before.  I felt a real slippery, irritating, inauthentic feeling from her.

I wasn't being suspicious, but I kept acknowledging the shift that's occurred, and made her aware that I felt the difference.  The thing is, in my mind, I'm less jealous or suspicious than at any time in this relationship.  I'm actually coming from a place of calm acceptance.  But that doesn't mean I'm going to ignore that something's up.  And who knows?  Maybe this is a sign of trouble.  The thing is, I'm feeling myself letting go of needing to rehearse outcomes.  I'll be a yes to whatever is and whatever will be.  I'll also be a yes to myself and what I want, which means I can rest secure in knowing that I won't be misused.  I don't have to complain, just be true to what is and what I want, and know that the feeling of vulnerability is a strength.

Honestly, most of me doesn't care all that much if she were up to something.  In fact, I could see an upside, so long as I'm made aware of it before wasting too much more of my life on a charade.  The part of me that cares is coming from a place of pettiness and competition.  That part of me doesn't want her to get one over on me, or feel surpassed by another man.  It's the same part of me that's obsessed over her ex boyfriend to the point of insantiy.  I need to own that and release it, because that isn't the kind of energy I want to be bringing forth.

It's kind of like building a muscle, just keep doing the exercises.  Keep asserting myself from a place of groundedness.  Be in my body.  Be present to what is.  Be open with feeling vulnerable.  Over time, it'll get a little easier and feel more natural and the success will build on itself.  This is a good day, and a great step toward really being myself.

AMP "Authentic Sexual Power" Lessons Learned

I've had some big shifts from this.  One is this very cool feeling of accessing my body.  I've done some of the physical exercises and also a "Microcosmic Orbit" exercise and I feel so much more in my body.  Another shift happened when I was watching the interview with the "Erotic Rock Star," and I could feel his presence and the fluidity in his movement and especially in his eyes. 

It was this little thing, but a big shift.  I've been doing all these affirmations and really focusing on eye contact, and I could see by watching this DVD that I could bring that into my gaze, and back into my being, just feel more flow and be more a flow.  It's a great shift, it feels like it was the "missing piece" to really being present in my gaze.

I also gained this feeling of really feeling my desire for women and enjoying my desire.  It's brought a lot more energy and fun into things.

One more thing, and this just came up, is drilling down into what's motivating my emotions, particularly the anger that seems to come up without any reason.  Then the shift – being a yes to my feeling this.  So I'm feeling needy, there's neediness here.  Okay, great.  Be okay with neediness instead of fighting it.  Be with the "bad emotion" or "bad state" and let it be.  This is the key to releasing these feelings, being okay with them so there's no resistance.

The other piece I'm taking away is being a yes to the situation or the feeling and then checking in with what I really want.  The reason I'm having relationship troubles is first, not being a yes to the reality and my state and second, not being in touch with what I really want. 

Right now I want to go outside and play.  I'm feeling a sense of obligation to working through the AMP course and for getting ready for my vacation.  I often go toward obligation, or fear I'll lose approval, instead of going for what I really want.  Getting more present and actually observing my thoughts and feelings instead of living in my ego is helping me see this better.

Guilt Over Living My Life, Update

Saturday night the wife was asleep so I went out, just to walk around, be in the world and just get a sense of living my own life. I really enjoyed just being out and about, taking in the scene, taking in the natural beauty of the beach. It felt good. While I was out I noticed all these houses and apartments with people inside sitting there watching TV. Here we have this big beautiful world full of amazing things to see and do and all these people are sitting around being lame, right in the middle of it.

And I got angry because I realize that’s been me, too. I’ve been talking about putting myself into the moment, and frustrated that I’ve compromised myself into this lame existence, but I haven’t done anything to start giving myself that life I want and really living it the way I want to.

Lately I’ve been focusing on presence, on really being in the moment, owning myself and my emotions, and being who I am instead of letting my thoughts and emotions control me. This really works well with the Sedona Method, so I’m doing these together, letting go of things that are holding me back and really being in the moment.

I really had to convince myself to go out, and I felt guilty for doing it. I also felt this needy feeling, that I should have accomplished some sort of goal, like meeting new women, instead of just experiencing the evening and enjoying myself.

And it’s these very thoughts that I want to free myself from – these are the leakages of my energy, that suck the life out of me.

Then on the Fourth, again, the wife was asleep ridiculously early, so I went out, enjoyed the multitudes in our neighborhood and watched the fireworks. Again, there wasn’t a goal, just getting out, enjoying myself, feeling the energy of the crowds, appreciating the experience and feeling myself in the moment. When I was not being present, my thoughts were:

If I’m single again, these affirmations won’t work. I’ll just be back to struggling with this like I always do. I really don’t believe in myself.

If I’m going out and really being myself and enjoying the experience, I’ll be happy, and that’s all I want in life. This isn’t about whether or not I get women and it never was. That’ll take care of itself. It’s about living a life I enjoy and really expressing myself.

I felt guilty for going out.

I was afraid my wife would find out and be upset.

There’s a lot of room for removing stumbling blocks. I take the negative thoughts from these experiences as really great opportunities, so I’m grateful. I’m not upset that I discovered these negative thought patterns or that I’m “failing.” I want to be more present with myself and I am – I was listening to my thoughts without internalizing them and making them me. I was observing, even if just a little and in moments. This is great.

Clearly I have a lot of fear, guilt and obligation feelings around my wife, and perhaps this applies to all relationships with women, this “tied down” feeling, this need to please/ fear of displeasure.
I have in my mind an expectation that I struggle with women, that I’m not attractive, that they don’t like me, that I’m not that sexy stud. I expect to be mediocre with women.

Moreover, I expect to be mediocre in life. I expect things to go wrong with my career, to not get what I want, to fall short.

And there’s also a real desire to really express myself, to really be myself and live my life authentically. I’m more in my body, feeling the sensations, feeling my emotions, and that’s awesome. I’m more in the moment, separate from my thoughts and emotions, observing, in touch with something larger. I’m owning my desire. I’m releasing blockages.

I’ve noticed as I’ve gained momentum in releasing negative beliefs and being present that my attitude and behavior has changed for the better. I feel much more calm and confident about myself, more determined to get what I really want in life. I feel much more present and in the moment sexually, which is making the sex much better. And I’m seeing my life from a different perspective. I see where I’m “giving to get,” and where I’m compromising when I shouldn’t, and why.

One reason I compromise when I shouldn’t is when the sex is good. I’m somehow seeing that great sex makes it okay to accept less of what I want in “other aspects” of the relationship, but this is bullshit. Sex is a mutual joy and so is not part of anything as far as compromising goes. Either my sex life is satisfying or it isn’t. And if it is, I don’t owe her a damned thing in any other aspect of the relationship. And if it isn’t, no amount of “other things” I could get in a relationship will make up for it.

Go Boldly: Living My Potential

This process of improvement has been in waves, rising up and finding new heights and higher lows. I finally worked my way through the Sedona Method book, and it's been kickass for clearing out my BS beliefs and being my genuine self.

This week I've had a lot of success in the job search front and, coupled with my work at releasing old beliefs, I've arrived at a point where I'm looking at myself in a different light, one that isn't clouded (or not so much) by false external beliefs.

Earlier this week, I found that place where I felt completely free of the BS, or at least far more free than I'd ever been. In this state, I was powerful. I was magnetic. I wasn't thinking about myself at all, I was just living life. People wanted to talk with me, women wanted to be close to me, employers wanted to interview me. I felt completely genuine and free.

And it was once I found this place, where I was being instead of seeking, where I was accepting myself and allowing myself to be magnetic, that I saw myself in a different light and realized some things. I'm in another of those "alpha" mindsets where I'm pushing myself to reach for the stars, walk through my fears and think about what success I want in my life. It's a phase I find myself at regularly as I go through this process. I'm consciously pushing myself toward the positive, toward courage, and simply not accepting the negative BS and fear in my thinking.

This one is higher than the others have been. I'm feeling some traction, that I'm on my path and it's time to run down this path at full speed.

I'm an amazing man with incredible experiences and a deep well of untapped poetntial. For whatever reason over the years, I accumulated this pile of BS negativity from the world telling me to set my sights lower, that I wasn't ready, that I should do this or that, and all that other crap the losers of the world say to ensure they have lots of other pathetic losers around to keep them company on their journey to suckdom.

And I LAUGHED!

I see how how completely ridiculous it is that I thought I had to listen to this crap and actually take it seriously. All these voices telling me what I can't do, what if this happens, what if that happens, when there's a whole fucking world of untapped potential out there. It isn't about whether I can do it, it's about not feeling sorry for everybody else when I allow myself to thouroughly kick ass in life and start leaving all the mediocre people in the dust.

I looked at myself in the mirror and thought "what am I doing? I'm a fucking hottie, and I'm actually wasting my time listening to some of these guys who SUCK try and convince me that I need their help to have success with women??"

This was a first. I finally found my balls, stood up and realized that my problem hasn't been that I don't have the abilities, because meeting women is actually pretty easy, but that I've been allowing others to convince me I should be doubting myself instead of just being the sexy man I am!

I'm not blaming the community, I'm saying that I should have thought better of myself than to accept the negative bullshit of society, to take other people's failures to heart and lower my opinion of myself to conform to the group. I've been selling myself short at a deep level.

This week, I found "normal," and I could FEEL the magnetism. Seriously, it was cool. Life felt really fucking easy. So I'll take THAT and run with it, instead of looking behind me or looking down at possible failures. It's a while different mindset, and it fucking ROCKS!

I looked at my relationship with my wife completely differently. I married her because I thought she was the best. I deserve the best. If she isn't the best, if I was misled or my impression was wrong, then let her go live her second-rate life and demand the best for myself.

All these nights worrying about my job instead of focusing on how I can kick ass. Instead of worrying about whether I can survive at my job, or whether I can do this job, how about thinking about how I'm going to kick ass at this job. It may not be my true career path, but I can kick as at anything, so just do it. And stop feeling sorry for those who can't keep up.

It's a cool "alpha" mindset, a "killer instinct" where I stop listening to the losers of the world and feeling sorry for them and focus on the prize, focus on the moment, really live the life I want to live. No more thinking about whether my wife will be okay without me, she'll be fine with her low expectations. No more thinking about whether I'll survive, instead think about how I can thououghly kick ass today.

I'd been focusing a lot on "courageous" affirmations and they've taken hold. And I realize now how I've been completely checking out and selling myself short. This "nice guy" routine is a bunch of BS, my attempt to blend in with the group. But that's not who I am. Time to step up - better late than never.

Reframing Social Interactions

Throughout this process, I've been treating social interactions as a process of courage, that I need to muster up the courage to talk to people and be social. The whole concept of "social anxiety" centers around this. It's either overcoming fear or "making fear my friend."

It's been a LOT of work.

Then the other day as I was discovering my mindset, I thought "what if I just turn this around?" What if, instead of seeing social interactions as risky and something to fear, I saw them as an opportunity and something to look forward to. What if I saw the whole meeting new people as nothing but an opportunity for fun and new experiences and just didn't focus on the whole "courage"thing?

I mean, doing courage is great and all, but does everything have to be a struggle? What if the problem is just how I perceive it? What if meeting people was just this fun, who-gives-a-shit experience and I did it because it's fun and interesting? I could find other uses for courage, and it sure would free up a lot of energy.

I think it's time for an attitude adjustment.

Self-Discovery: I've Been Risk-Averse and Resistant to Change

I can talk the talk but, inside, I haven't been walking the walk, and that's why it's been such an effort to turn things around.

A couple days ago, I went to the beach and did some releasing on my goals. The goals I released on are:

I allow myself to be the sexy stud every woman wants to fuck.

I allow myself to be completely carefree and in the moment.

I allow myself to be the man I really am and live the life I truly want to live.

I allow myself to be the mayor.

I thought about each one separately, felt whatever negative emotions came out, discovered the source of that emotion, and let that want go. What kept coming up was that, even though I talk about taking risks and making changes, and want to change and let things go, instinctively I've been very resistant to change and taking real risk.

And it's this resistance that's been the reason why making real, permanent change has been so difficult, why I'd keep going back to an unhappy situation and doing things I don't want to or don't like. I haven't been seeing myself as the man who is truly good enough to deserve the life I want and to pull it off. This doubt leads to a desire for security, so I gravitate toward the FALSE SECURITY of what's known and acceptible, instead of the REAL SECURITY that comes from being secure in myself and solidly on my true path of happiness.

I've been afraid of risk, because I doubt my ability to handle things, even though when I've been on my path and motivated, I've surpassed even my own expectations for myself. I've been afraid of change because I haven't seen myself as worthy (shame, guilt) or able to achieve my desires ("not good enough"). Well, that's total bullshit, too, and I don't need to spend months to come to that conclusion, it's just not true.

I'm getting more than I expect in life because I don't see myself as the amazing man I really am. And what I'm getting is still far less than I can achieve and what I deserve. So even when I think I'm doing good, I'm still settling!

This was an awesome revelation, because it completely explains my life up to now, how I'd reach "levels" and then "backslide" into mediocrity. The best part is it points the way out of this, that I don't have to keep living in fear of "backsliding" or doubting that I can make a permanent change.

So I began focuing internally on three things:

1. Believing in myself at a deep level. Rejecting and reframing the old "can't handle it/ not good enough" beliefs and fully accept the amazing man I am. This is affirmations/ self hypnosis/ conscious reframing, and very focused.

2. Accept and enjoy risk taking. Refram risk as the opportunity for success, not the risk of failure. Totally turn around the entire concept of risk into opportunity. This is partly affirmations and partly actually choosing risk at every opportunity.

3. Embrace change. Reframe away from the loss of what is to the acceptance of what I truly want. Things are getting better and better every day the more I allow myself and my life to change. This is mostly an attitude shift to following my past instead of worrying about what I don't like or what I could lose.

This process also involved releasing all wanting of security and wanting of approval - keep releasing over and over and over and feel that shift. It's an awesome feeling. Later I'll write about my experiences in this mindset where I let everything go and just be who I really want to be, letting go of all desire for approval and security.